Having trouble moving on after being the other man

[Youngpro]

This is very long, so I apologize in advance. It's hard to give this a short summary.

 

 

Context:

Myself (31, M) and A (29, F) met at a bar in the suburbs of Toronto one night back in July 2018. She’s 5″11, blonde and absolutely stunning, a country girl from Texas with all the charm that goes with being from the south. We had immediate sparks/oozing chemistry and spent the whole night dancing, talking, flirting. At the end of the night she chose to go home in the cab with her best friend but gave me her number and said she wanted to see me again.

 

 

I wrote her the next day and we get to chatting via text. She tells me she’s been in a long-term, long distance relationship with some guy in the infantry but she barely sees him and he puts more time and effort into his video games than he does into his relationship with her. Tells me other stuff about him too and basically says she’s seen no future with him since the start of the summer and feels like its time to call it quits. OK, fine. I end up on a phone call with her as I’m a bit impressed that she didn’t go home with me the night before, given the 10+ drinks she’d had on the evening (would have been an easy way out for a girl who wanted to cheat - blame it on the booze). We ended up on the phone with each other for 2 hours before I even looked at the clock. Talked about everything under the sun, including my own experiences with being the cheated partner and the one time I tried to do it myself, told her what she’d be doing to the guy if she followed through with this, and what she would probably experience, herself.

 

 

We talked for four more days before I finally went to her place, and feeling more than a little uncomfortable about the situation I would be putting myself in, I said beers and patio: yes; her place and sex: no. Long story short, it did not play out that way.

 

 

What did transpire was the sort of fall they write about in country songs. I fell in love once before with this sort of intensity but if I had to compare the two, I would say that this had a bit more of an edge to it than the previous time. I found a lot of pieces of myself with her that I thought I had lost/forgotten about. For three weeks in August, I had the most connected, organic, honest-about-everything relationship I’ve ever had in my life. We did a lot of stuff together and had the sort of relationship I felt I should have had but never did in my senior year of high school. We rarely slept for more than 2 or 3 hours a night when we were together and that, too, was entirely organic, had tremendous connection. She said to me that she’s never experienced anything like the way we were together and from the way she looked at me, I never questioned her sincerity or the way she felt. The whole experience of being with her, and “being with her” left me feeling like I had some form of superpower. It was that intense and real.

 

 

But we had this thing hanging over our heads - her ailing relationship - that was still a problem. Prior to meeting me, she had arranged to move up to the base (middle of nowhere) to be with this guy and despite my suggestion that “maybe” she should reconsider.. wink wink nudge nudge.. she didn’t make any moves to change her course. He came down the second last weekend of August to move her out and that Saturday I told her it had to end, and to come find me if things didn’t work out with him. She flipped and broke down into tears.. didn’t talk to me for the rest of the day. Got drunk with her coworkers in the evening (to celebrate her last day of work as a bartender) and called me in quite a state.

 

 

We ended up going from situation to situation after that. She told me she fell in love with me. She had a lot of fights with him and dumped him a couple of times, and him threatening her and her stuff, etc.. typical high-conflict breakup kind of things. Eventually she told him about me and the affair we had and he suddenly wants her back regardless of the extent to which she betrayed him. It got pretty ugly and uncomfortable for me after that because they got back together and she gave him access to her phone - so he got my number, fb, insta, etc… and contacted me directly. Had to put him in his place about that one, which was definitely an interesting conversation but ultimately he backed down.

 

 

After that, she left him again “for good” and came down from the base to see me and get her life in Toronto back. She stayed at my apartment that night and we talked for a solid 6 hours. I had been fighting back my feelings for this girl since the beginning because I didn’t want to fall for a girl who was taken, but by this point (mid-Sept), I knew that I loved her. I desperately wanted to be with her but at the same time, knowing what she might be to me, I also wanted her to take some time to sort out her head before she got into another relationship. I asked her to take a few weeks to grieve and to put her life together and then give me a call - something I’d been saying should happen ever since we started. She had already arranged to stay with her friend until she had her life back in order but four days after I saw her, she went back to her bf.

 

 

I guess the writing’s on the wall because she has been there ever since, though she promised him she had severed contact with me and was going to make it work with him (in actual fact, called me a good 50+ times over the next month with me having to eventually block her because she was intentionally interfering with the girls I was trying to move on from her with). I’m told that the guy monitors her calls, FB, Insta, and text messages mercilessly, now.

 

 

We went a month after that not talking and then in mid-Nov, she reached out to me again (while he was out in the wilderness with his platoon for a week). It was nice to talk to her, to get some clarity and closure on the situation and to express some of what I felt about the situation and how I truly felt about her… over the following couple of days, we reconnected and I could tell from her body language (we do a lot of video chats) that she still likes me a lot. But that was on Monday/Tuesday and by Thursday/Friday, she was again intentionally texting or calling me when she knew I was out on dates, so I had to block her again. During this time, she asked me whether I would still have a sexual experience with her, and we talked about whether we could ever have a relationship in the future (I said no, because at this point, she had told me she loved me and betrayed me afterward.. puts a tarnish on everything we shared). It wasn’t what my heart wanted to say but what I felt I had to. Not saying that my decision was wrong, but since then, I’ve been with other women but I just cannot get A out of my head.

 

 

I’ve changed my number and tried to close off her ability to find me via social media but I know that if she decides she wants to, she will. She lit up my life and showed me parts of my character that I’d forgotten even existed. I felt happier and more connected to my life than I have in years. I still love this girl to the moon but if I think about being with her, the first thought is “how would I ever trust her?”.. second thought is “I would be settling for a lower standard than I hold myself to”.

 

 

In my heart, I feel like she’s probably going to try to re-enter my life at some point. There’s a part of me that thinks she still loves me. There’s a part of me that thinks she never did. I know that it’s been toxic and stressful but it was also incredibly good. And since dating/sleeping with other women hasn’t helped, and since time and distance (we haven’t talked in over a month as of Dec 26) seems to achieve absolutely nothing, I’m at a bit of a loss.

[Giraffe-A]

I’m from Texas. If you need someone to knock you off your socks, take a trip there. Girls like this one are dime a dozen, but if you want the keeper, she’s there too. I spent a decade with my cowboy. There’s just no place like it. Cheer up.

[Youngpro]

I’m from Texas. If you need someone to knock you off your socks, take a trip there. Girls like this one are dime a dozen, but if you want the keeper, she’s there too. I spent a decade with my cowboy. There’s just no place like it. Cheer up.

 

 

Giraffe, you're not the first person to tell me I need to visit the south. One of my oldest friends did a year's work in Charlotte, NC and had quite some stories to tell me about the women he met there and in Nashville, TN. Apparently us farm boy Canadians have more in common with y'all than we thought.

 

 

FWIW - She's the first American girl I've dated.. very down to earth & humble.. not afraid to get her hands dirty and outdoorsy too. It was really refreshing.

Edited December 27, 2018 by Youngpro

[Giraffe-A]

Giraffe, you're not the first person to tell me I need to visit the south. One of my oldest friends did a year's work in Charlotte, NC and had quite some stories to tell me about the women he met there and in Nashville, TN. Apparently us farm boy Canadians have more in common with y'all than we thought.

 

 

FWIW - She's the first American girl I've dated.. very down to earth & humble.. not afraid to get her hands dirty and outdoorsy too. It was really refreshing.

I’ve never met a Canadian, so don’t know. Talking to my family in Michigan, I hear you guys are great. But yeah.. go get your little heart mended down south.

[Youngpro]

I’ve never met a Canadian, so don’t know. Talking to my family in Michigan, I hear you guys are great. But yeah.. go get your little heart mended down south.

 

 

Haha.. well that's an invitation if ever I've heard one! She grew up in Canyon, which she told me is barely on the map, near Amarillo. Realistically, I know nothing about Texas though.

 

So from your "dime-a-dozen" comment I'm guessing that this kind of thing has been known to happen in your life's experience? If this girl tried to come back, down the road, I've got a decision to make.. Seems she doesn't want me to move on but likewise won't leave her guy unless I offer her a safe landing (which I wont, because I know she'll just do the same thing to me).

[Giraffe-A]

Haha.. well that's an invitation if ever I've heard one! She grew up in Canyon, which she told me is barely on the map, near Amarillo. Realistically, I know nothing about Texas though.

 

So from your "dime-a-dozen" comment I'm guessing that this kind of thing has been known to happen in your life's experience? If this girl tried to come back, down the road, I've got a decision to make.. Seems she doesn't want me to move on but likewise won't leave her guy unless I offer her a safe landing (which I wont, because I know she'll just do the same thing to me).

That is very true. Girls there don’t mind a little sweat and dirt. It’s big on family, work, and passionate, fiery love.

You get absolute loyalty, or absolute cheating girls like that one you met. Somehow, you’ll love either of them just as much.

That girl is not leaving that guy anytime soon, or at all. She’s not good for you even if she did.. If you can handle that reality, you can have her everytime that guy leaves the gate open.

Or, soon he’ll have to move again far away and you won’t see her again. The choice is yours.

[Youngpro]

That is very true. Girls there don’t mind a little sweat and dirt. It’s big on family, work, and passionate, fiery love.

You get absolute loyalty, or absolute cheating girls like that one you met. Somehow, you’ll love either of them just as much.

That girl is not leaving that guy anytime soon, or at all. She’s not good for you even if she did.. If you can handle that reality, you can have her everytime that guy leaves the gate open.

Or, soon he’ll have to move again far away and you won’t see her again. The choice is yours.

 

 

So this is literally a cultural thing?

 

Just so you know.. I've learned more from our discussion than I have on my own figuring this chick out in 4 months. I think I'm starting to understand her mentality. Would love to pick your brain for more if you're down.

Edited December 27, 2018 by Youngpro

[Mr. Lucky]

So this is literally a cultural thing?

 

Of course not, and there's nothing particularly unusual about your story either.

 

The question you don't seem to have asked yourself is this - she's not married, no kids with him, they don't own a home together, etc. So what would have stopped her, at any point, from walking out his door and in yours? If she felt the same connection you did - why isn't she with you?

 

Youngpro, I don't think you were ever anything more than Plan B, the fallback if things didn't work out with him. Sucks that she would use you this way, but people are so focused on their own needs they don't care if they trample yours in the process.

 

She's a cake-eating user, pure and simple. You now know it and would be crazy if you ever took her call again. Lesson learned...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Giraffe-A]

I’ve had friends make their rounds but at the same time maintain some of the longest relationships with the same guy. And the odd thing is that there’s options there. And it may very well be that due to the options, people focus more on who you are as a person...good or bad, you fall hard.

I remember when I met my ex, he made his rounds. I was convinced he was made for me and that was that. That first year was rough watching him come and go but towards the end of the decade before he passed, he told me that after I moved in, it was a good 8 months before he realized I was there to stay and told that once last girl to scram. Course I had my suspicions but again, I had made that decision he was made for me, and let him be. In the end, we both had a great one together.

To really answer question, love is what’s cultural.

[Youngpro]

Of course not, and there's nothing particularly unusual about your story either.

 

The question you don't seem to have asked yourself is this - she's not married, no kids with him, they don't own a home together, etc. So what would have stopped her, at any point, from walking out his door and in yours? If she felt the same connection you did - why isn't she with you?

 

Youngpro, I don't think you were ever anything more than Plan B, the fallback if things didn't work out with him. Sucks that she would use you this way, but people are so focused on their own needs they don't care if they trample yours in the process.

 

She's a cake-eating user, pure and simple. You now know it and would be crazy if you ever took her call again. Lesson learned...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I've chewed on that one more that a little bit and yeah.. I was Plan B; at the same time she hasn't been single for more than a couple months in the last 8 years. Not that its a viable excuse for a grown-ass woman, but I know she's got abandonment issues tied into being cheated on herself (guy married and had kids with the girl he left her for, within a year) and (probably much more emotionally significant) when she was 8 years old, she was diagnosed with Leukemia and it just about killed her. I.e. platelets ruptured, immune system shut down and she caught an infection. They had to put her in medical quarantine for the better part of a year while they did rad, chemo, etc.. and the only family contact she got during that time was through a pane of glass.

 

 

Again, as an adult, she's gotta learn to deal with that issue but I also recognize that my own experiences have led me to be a lot more emotionally aware than most people (especially most men). I don't know whether my standard for myself is a reasonable one to place on other people in this regard.

 

The weekend that she came down to see me and we ended up talking for 6 hours.. was her trying to be with me instead of him. She told me that day that she wanted to be with me, plain and simple, and she was prepared to leave him for me. I said no because I thought it wise to wait (got burned in the past for investing too early).

 

That decision has haunted me for months.

[Youngpro]

I’ve had friends make their rounds but at the same time maintain some of the longest relationships with the same guy. And the odd thing is that there’s options there. And it may very well be that due to the options, people focus more on who you are as a person...good or bad, you fall hard.

I remember when I met my ex, he made his rounds. I was convinced he was made for me and that was that. That first year was rough watching him come and go but towards the end of the decade before he passed, he told me that after I moved in, it was a good 8 months before he realized I was there to stay and told that once last girl to scram. Course I had my suspicions but again, I had made that decision he was made for me, and let him be. In the end, we both had a great one together.

To really answer question, love is what’s cultural.

 

You may have just overthrown my brain with this one.. If I understand you correctly, you're telling me that the dating environment down there may be a little different than the one up here. When she and I were getting acquainted, she repeatedly told me she was "talking to" this guy in the military, and that it had been about 2.5 years that way. For my own part, if I've stayed with a girl for more than 3-4 months its because I think there's serious potential and I more or less write off other options until my main squeeze is clearly not going to work. To me, her telling me she was "talking to" some guy was really intentionally minimizing her relationship with him.. "talking to" someone for me is what happens in the first month or two before there's any kind of commitment or serious emotional investment.

 

Are you telling me that what she did is more or less in line with how people date in her part of the world?

[darkbloom]

If she wanted to be with you she would. She can 100% love you and have this connection with you and not be willing to take the leap and leave her relationship for good. People are motivated by fear and it sounds like she’s afraid of being alone. So she’s working on plan A and you are Plan B. I don’t think she’s intentionally lying to you but her actions speak way louder than her words.

 

 

She’s being incredibly unfair to you by sabotaging your dates and prohibiting you from moving on when she is unwilling to commit herself to you. That’s pure selfishness on her part. The ball has never been in your court, it’s always been up to her.

[Youngpro]

I’ve had friends make their rounds but at the same time maintain some of the longest relationships with the same guy. And the odd thing is that there’s options there. And it may very well be that due to the options, people focus more on who you are as a person...good or bad, you fall hard.

I remember when I met my ex, he made his rounds. I was convinced he was made for me and that was that. That first year was rough watching him come and go but towards the end of the decade before he passed, he told me that after I moved in, it was a good 8 months before he realized I was there to stay and told that once last girl to scram. Course I had my suspicions but again, I had made that decision he was made for me, and let him be. In the end, we both had a great one together.

To really answer question, love is what’s cultural.

 

 

Also, just re-read your comment and realized I should share something vis-a-vis this. The night that she and I met... spent most of the night together but she said she had to go home with her friend about 15 minutes before bar close. We parted and I went back to my group of friends (oddly enough a group of girls, that had invited me to crash their bachelorette... one of whom grabbed me the minute she saw me and said if I'm not going home with A, I'm going home with her)

 

So when I got A's phone number, it was literally in the parking lot while my friend was dragging me to the car. Ended up sleeping with the other girl that night and A was literally unfazed by this when she asked me the next day if I got laid.

 

You'll forgive me for thinking this was a little (more than a little) strange (a few times asked myself if I'd found a total creep), I've never met a girl who didn't care that I was sleeping around.. was also a little disturbed when she's asked me about the other girls I've slept with since her...

Edited December 27, 2018 by Youngpro

[Giraffe-A]

You may have just overthrown my brain with this one.. If I understand you correctly, you're telling me that the dating environment down there may be a little different than the one up here. When she and I were getting acquainted, she repeatedly told me she was "talking to" this guy in the military, and that it had been about 2.5 years that way. For my own part, if I've stayed with a girl for more than 3-4 months its because I think there's serious potential and I more or less write off other options until my main squeeze is clearly not going to work. To me, her telling me she was "talking to" some guy was really intentionally minimizing her relationship with him.. "talking to" someone for me is what happens in the first month or two before there's any kind of commitment or serious emotional investment.

 

Are you telling me that what she did is more or less in line with how people date in her part of the world?

No. That’s anyone anywhere in the planet. We’re just more aware of what the person is all about early on. I would’ve of told you based on that line she gave you that she’s left a broken heart in every state, and there’s always someone who falls in love with her knowing more about her than this one piece of information. At least when I was there, I got to experience some interesting relationships that are still ongoing years after I left. A lot of them have tremendous loyatly having been two people we perceive as decent, but I also see a lot of them that started with town’s nympho, or the wild person end up as solid strong relationships. No one hides who they are and everyone chooses what they are willing to put up with. I grew up around a lot of folks who really loved their partner no matter what the situation. I guess that’s what I’ve been trying to say for the past 5 hours lol.

[Youngpro]

No. That’s anyone anywhere in the planet. We’re just more aware of what the person is all about early on. I would’ve of told you based on that line she gave you that she’s left a broken heart in every state, and there’s always someone who falls in love with her knowing more about her than this one piece of information. At least when I was there, I got to experience some interesting relationships that are still ongoing years after I left. A lot of them have tremendous loyatly having been two people we perceive as decent, but I also see a lot of them that started with town’s nympho, or the wild person end up as solid strong relationships. No one hides who they are and everyone chooses what they are willing to put up with. I grew up around a lot of folks who really loved their partner no matter what the situation. I guess that’s what I’ve been trying to say for the past 5 hours lol.

 

 

Were you in Amarillo or actually in Canyon?

 

You're making a lot of the pieces fit for me so sorry if I'm being slow about all of this but this is a very interesting conversation for me.. just trying to put everything together. I've been on the inside track in terms of her situation with him and her decision process and also things she's told me about conversations with her parents where they've basically told her if he was willing to take her back after all this, he must really love her and she should do everything in her power to be with him. When she told me she was measuring her choice to be with him based on the fact that he loved her I literally had a WTF moment where I questioned her basic sanity for making her choice about him based on what level of feeling she was receiving, instead of what she felt for him, herself. This, combined with her abandonment issues made me fairly confident, in the aftermath, that she has a personality disorder.

 

If I'm to understand correctly, though, it seems like she may have been taught to make the safe choice all the time (whatever keeps her protected i.e. be with the man that wont leave)..

 

...there was never a day when I didn't frame my interactions with her from the perspective of "I'm willing to do this with you now, but once you leave him, you go and stand on your own for a while and trust me when I say that I'm very interested.. give it some time then come back to me if you really think I'm the guy". I looked at her 8 year history of going from guy-to-guy-to-guy and thought wow.. this girl could really derail my life. Better to see her on her own and see what she can accomplish before I get too involved.

 

Again, if you're telling me that the way she made her choice is the sort of thing that's just culturally normal down there I think this is one hell of an eye opener. Obviously we judge people based on our own cultural norms but I may have gotten it very wrong on a few key points with this girl. It doesn't change the end result but it does add some unexpected color to my perspective on this..

Edited December 27, 2018 by Youngpro

[pepperbird]

I’m from Texas. If you need someone to knock you off your socks, take a trip there. Girls like this one are dime a dozen, but if you want the keeper, she’s there too. I spent a decade with my cowboy. There’s just no place like it. Cheer up.

 

 

 

 

Whatever you do, avoid Dallas. I have never met so many cranky and depressed people in my life as I did there!

[Mr. Lucky]

That decision has haunted me for months.

 

Unless you have some undisclosed need for pain and drama, you should thank your lucky stars. You seem to have the dreaded "White Knight Syndrome", a dangerous tendency to pick broken partners on the assumption you can somehow complete their missing pieces.

 

You have a better chance of winning the lottery...

 

Mr. Lucky

[anika99]

Were you in Amarillo or actually in Canyon?

 

You're making a lot of the pieces fit for me so sorry if I'm being slow about all of this but this is a very interesting conversation for me.. just trying to put everything together. I've been on the inside track in terms of her situation with him and her decision process and also things she's told me about conversations with her parents where they've basically told her if he was willing to take her back after all this, he must really love her and she should do everything in her power to be with him. When she told me she was measuring her choice to be with him based on the fact that he loved her I literally had a WTF moment where I questioned her basic sanity for making her choice about him based on what level of feeling she was receiving, instead of what she felt for him, herself. This, combined with her abandonment issues made me fairly confident, in the aftermath, that she has a personality disorder.

 

If I'm to understand correctly, though, it seems like she may have been taught to make the safe choice all the time (whatever keeps her protected i.e. be with the man that wont leave)..

 

...there was never a day when I didn't frame my interactions with her from the perspective of "I'm willing to do this with you now, but once you leave him, you go and stand on your own for a while and trust me when I say that I'm very interested.. give it some time then come back to me if you really think I'm the guy". I looked at her 8 year history of going from guy-to-guy-to-guy and thought wow.. this girl could really derail my life. Better to see her on her own and see what she can accomplish before I get too involved.

 

Again, if you're telling me that the way she made her choice is the sort of thing that's just culturally normal down there I think this is one hell of an eye opener. Obviously we judge people based on our own cultural norms but I may have gotten it very wrong on a few key points with this girl. It doesn't change the end result but it does add some unexpected color to my perspective on this..

 

This has nothing to do with Texas. It's the typical cheater mind set. Cheaters use people for what they can receive. They love having their egos stroked and getting as many perks as they can and yes, many cheaters are personality disordered. You're really reaching if you're trying to excuse or normalize this behaviour by pretending it's a cultural thing in Texas. There are people just like this all over the world, just read the stories here. Everyone says the same stuff. "It was the most intense relationship. Best sex ever. The most authentic. The greatest passion, blah,blah, blah" It's the nature of affairs. Everything is heightened and intensified by the drama, the push pull, the multiple breakups, the anticipation and the never knowing what will happen next. Your story has been told thousands of time by thousands of others. Stop trying to make it about Texan culture.

[lunarnaut]

If she will do this to him, she will do it to you after her needs aren't being met.

[Origin]

Hi,

I read your story and you remind me of myself when I first got involved with an engaged girl. Same vibe at least when I read how you write and what she tells you.

 

I know deep down you don't feel like you're plan B even thou you wanna convince yourself that it's like that in order to move on faster but I think that's a mistake. Don't lie to yourself is all I'm saying.

 

It seems to me you have fallen into limerence with this girl. The way you wrote about how you feel about her, how you've never experienced this before, I'm sure you're in limerence. Google it and find some podcasts so you can familiarize yourself. I recommend podcasts by Dr Joe Beam.

 

 

Now, about your girl. She gives of a classic BPD vibe. People with BPD have insane insecurities and fear of abandonment so they jump from relationship to a relationship. I truly believe she loves you when she says it...in that moment that is. But she also loves the other guy as much as you may not wanna accept that. I understand she may say things to you and it may appear she doesn't love him but trust me she does. Does she always appear to be a victim when talking about the other guy? If yes that's another classic BPD flag.

 

So when you tell her she needs to take some time to recollect herself before dating you're literally triggering her worst fear, fear of being alone and abandoned so she will always resort to somebody.

 

Anyways, I'm not an expert so you should research yourself these things and see what fits what doesn't.

 

If she truly has BPD tendencies you should stay away.

 

Good luck.

[Youngpro]

Wow lots of well thought out replies! Thanks guys and girls!!

 

 

I'm going to close out this thread, because, well... two days ago I finally got to close out the relationship properly (she got back in touch with me after ghosting me for a month.. more on this later)

 

 

Origin - you're absolutely right, about everything. And I think that's the hardest part about it. I suspected (even told her about Borderline PD once) that she had it, and being a reasonably well read individual, I know what can manifest in a person's relationships as a result.

 

 

 

I do know that this girl felt love for me - of this there could be no doubt. When we were together it was light, fun and playful but it was very clear that her attention was on me and that I had what she needed (more than I realized at the time). This may get a little non-PG but the intensity of our intimate encounters also left me with little doubt of the way she felt (used to look me dead in the eyes during orgasms and generally throughout our sexual experiences, for which we would typically sacrifice all but one to two hours of sleep in a night..) and it carried over into the non-intimate areas of my life. We didn't really have boundaries with each other and the level of closeness I experienced with her felt complete.

 

Anyways, it seems that I've finally managed to get the upper hand in this situation - she reached out to me again a few days ago... hadn't heard from her since late November when she called me and left a cryptic voicemail. The message simply said "Hey.. can you call me back? If not, I understand.. A." I called her back within an hour or two to discover I was blocked, from absolutely everything. Couldn't reach her at all over the next couple of weeks so I decided to change my number and lock down all of my social media so she couldn't find me. There was nothing adult about what she did that day - a simple explanation would have sufficed but she decided on her own (apparently) that she couldn't talk to me or be casual friends with me even though she had requested it.

 

So as I got this very weak justification for what she did and for leaving me hanging and wondering for a month just what the heck had happened, my rising blood pressure lead me to an inescapable conclusion. She had to go, permanently. Told her exactly where to put her inappropriate behaviors and advised her that further contact from her would result in a phone call/visit from the cops. I slept on the decision before I sent that message, didn't want to be hasty about it but at the same time.. I needed to reclaim my sanity from her as the spot she had me in, I was consistently wondering when was the next time she was going to show up, and what was the going to throw at me next.

 

Clearly this is a person who struggled with emotional disregulation (typical for BPD) and feels strongly compelled to protect her own interests above all else because of her excessive emotionality. It was hard but I know I made the right call.

 

I'm going to close this out now as I think I've taken the steps I needed to in order to reclaim my own agency in the situation. Very glad I came to this forum and I want to thank you all for your input. It's been very helpful! I'll probably lurk around here from time to time and see if I can pay it forward to others who can learn from my experiences.

 

Cheers until then,

J

Edited December 30, 2018 by Youngpro