Husband’s mess and constant unfulfilled promises making me crazy

[HugosVoice]

About 8 years ago my partner of nearly 15 years discovered eBay and began selling toys on there. We weren’t struggling financially or anything, he is just a hobby enthusiast and enjoys finding the stock and preparing the sales.

 

As time went on though I began to realise his physical stock was taking up a lot of our home. When we bought our new house about 5 years ago I sat him down and voiced my concern about the mess. He assured me it wouldn’t happen in the new home we owned and I believed him.

 

5 years later and it is a pigsty. Every room in our home is floor to ceiling with boxes, containers and papers. Our guest room bed is completely piled up with stuff and no one can ever stay over. I’m beyond humiliated when people come over.

 

I have spoken to him about it a few times and he always calls me a nag and says he’s getting to it. Recently I told him it is making me feel really depressed and affecting me. He just went on selling like I hadn’t said a word. I would never expect him to shut it down, but at least put it on hold for a few weeks to crack down on the clean up.

 

3 more months have passed since that conversation and it just gets worse. I don’t know what do anymore. He makes me feel guilty for not trusting he’s getting to cleaning up but it’s been 5 god damn years and the complete lack of consideration for me and my space in our home where we both pay the mortgage is really driving me crazy. I stay awake and night and cry a lot. He’s a 53 year old man and I feel like a mother constantly telling her teenage son to clean his room. Any advice?

[todreaminblue]

why not invest in a storage shed to suit the stock size and if it is affecting you

maybe its worth paying a labourer for a couple of hours to set it up once you purchase the storage shed....and move the boxes and paper work into it.......a storage shed could be a real solution to make both of you happy...

you could both do a stock take together and color code boxes like m&ms so you know where everything is....

if you cant beat him...join him mentality....you have tried persistent asking it is not working for you or for him.......maybe its time for persistent actions.you can slam that ball first..motivate him...hobbyists love going over stock of what they have and what they want to go fro next....set up some books instead of papers all over the place or a good filing system.........

 

...for your own mental health sake..i wish you well.......deb

Edited December 27, 2018 by todreaminblue

[HugosVoice]

Thanks Deb but I have tried that. He refuses to keep them anywhere where he has to actually go and pick them up. Our garage is also full to the brim with his toys. :’(

[basil67]

Are you at the stage where you're considering leaving over this? And if you are, have you told him? What does he say?

[lana-banana]

Even for a messy person, floor to ceiling papers are extreme. This sounds like it could potentially be a type of hoarding. Have you spoken to a psychologist?

 

Another major concern is that your husband seems disinterested in how this is affecting you. He should at least be willing to take this on for your well-being. When your partner is indifferent to you crying all night, something is very wrong.

[d0nnivain]

Get him to hire an assistant & get that storage unit. Explain to him both are a small price to pay to save your marriage.

[Wallysbears]

He sounds like a hoarder. I'm not sure how you go about dealing with that. Lots of hugs.

[stillafool]

Is he selling any of the stuff? Is he making money?

[HugosVoice]

Is he selling any of the stuff? Is he making money?

 

Yes. I’m not sure how this is relevant to the mess though?

[HugosVoice]

Another major concern is that your husband seems disinterested in how this is affecting you. He should at least be willing to take this on for your well-being. When your partner is indifferent to you crying all night, something is very wrong.

 

Yes, I must admit when I told him how depressed it is making me and he didn’t immediately scramble to fix it and still hasn’t worked on it, I was/am very hurt.

 

He doesn’t know about the crying part because he makes it so hard for me to talk to him. A few weeks ago he left a few bags of cars next to his bed and I nearly tripped. When I asked him to move them he told he to “stop getting on his case” and went and slept on the couch.

[bathtub-row]

Stop talking to him about it and move everything out of the house - either into the garage, the back yard (temporarily-but that should light a fire under him), or a storage facility. Pay movers to do the work. Preferably do it while your idiot husband isn’t home. But if that’s not possible, then do it while he’s there.

 

There’s no way in hell I’d let my home get trashed in such a way. You need to make your husband understand in no uncertain terms that you will no longer tolerate this nonsense. So, stop talking and start acting.

[bathtub-row]

From your husband’s perspective, you are whining and complaining. When you’ve talked and have gotten nowhere, then continually talking and trying to get him to see reason is as productive as bashing your head into a brick wall. Your husband is convinced that you’ll just nag and complain and he’ll continue to do as he pleases.

 

I’ll tell you this much, his hoarding and lack of respect would be a total dealbreaker for me and it would either get fixed like yesterday or the marriage would be over. My guess is, your husband is hoping you’ll leave him so that he can hoard in peace.

Edited December 28, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
reference to deleted post

[Mr. Lucky]

Yes. I’m not sure how this is relevant to the mess though?

 

It means he can afford someone to organize, sort and retrieve his inventory. You might compromise by allowing him one or two rooms (or part of the garage) to fill as he pleases, the rest has to be stored offsite.

 

I get the boxes but why papers everywhere? And was he like this before the side business began?

 

Mr. Lucky

[elaine567]

Whether or not he is making money is relevant as to whether he is just a hoarder or he is actually running a small business.

I guess he needs to sell a lot of toys to make money, so cutting back on stock is probably something he can't or won't want to do.

He is probably on a treadmill of buying and selling so has no time to clean up and organise, as he will no doubt have "a system" already in place.

To you it is pure chaos and a mess, to him he probably knows where he can find everything.

He is also probably a bit of a "collector" too.

If you give him an ultimatum, he could very well choose the toys...

[HugosVoice]

Stop talking to him about it and move everything out of the house - either into the garage, the back yard (temporarily-but that should light a fire under him), or a storage facility.

 

TOUCH his precious cars? haha. A few months ago he asked me to hold a bag for him and I dropped it. It damaged a car and he started throwing things and becoming aggressive. Not towards me, but just in general. I was scared so I left the house and he told me I was making him feel bad doing that. Not that he was actually sorry for doing it, of course.. Sorry but if a man throws an angry tantrum like that over one dropped car, I’m not going near them.

 

Another time I cleaned our house (as well as I can when it’s full of junk) from top to bottom alone, and happened to move a container with a rare 10 pack in it.. He didn’t thank me for the clean up or even acknowledge it. His only words to me were “I hope you didn’t damage that 10 pack”.

[bathtub-row]

Oh, I see, he threatens you with violence. For the life of me, I don’t understand why you’re with this guy. He controls every aspect of your life.

[elaine567]

I guess he is in full mid life crisis mode.

[preraph]

He's obsessive. And violent. If you can't get a permit for a large storage shed for the backyard, I can only tell you to leave if it's driving you nuts. He certainly isn't respecting you, but I realize there are financial considerations. I don't understand why he doesn't at least rent a booth at an indoor flea market type place and he could GO there each weekend and sell stuff but wouldn't have to be there and could even work from there. Maybe you fork over a few hundred to rent a booth and surprise him.

[HugosVoice]

Oh, I see, he threatens you with violence. For the life of me, I don’t understand why you’re with this guy. He controls every aspect of your life.

 

That’s not what I said. He took his cap off and threw it at the window with force. I started shaking and just left. You’re right though. I need to start making some serious decisions about my future.

[bathtub-row]

That’s not what I said. He took his cap off and threw it at the window with force. I started shaking and just left. You’re right though. I need to start making some serious decisions about my future.

 

When a guy puts his fist through a wall during an argument, that’s a threat of violence because it puts fear in the person that’s standing there. It’s a gesture to show you that he’s just a breath away from becoming physically violent. What your husband did was along the same lines. You’re scared of him, scared of crossing him. He’s basically abusive in numerous ways, you’ve just become numb to it.

[Giraffe-A]

That would drive me insane. Depending on the space and or funds, try to create his own man-shed and organize what he needs to package this stuff with a desk to sell and store his paperwork. When he goes to his shed, you can fnally have the rest of the house to make it a home.

[Haru-no-yuki]

That’s not what I said. He took his cap off and threw it at the window with force. I started shaking and just left. You’re right though. I need to start making some serious decisions about my future.

 

 

This isn't a viable relationship from everything you've written.

Edited December 28, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed rude comment

[L0nely]

I, too, also have to tolerate my husbands hoarding and messy habits. But in my case, i have to tolerate it because only he pays for the mortgage. If you also pays for half of the mortgage, then you deserve half of the house that you can call your own space. Marriage is about compromise and tolerate each other. Either you tolerate it, or compromise with him that some rooms is yours only because u also pay for half of the mortgage. If you have a backyard, maybe set up some extra large storage shed just for his stuff. If he doesn't want to compromise, then it's time you make some serious decisions about your life. Good luck.

[todreaminblue]

Thanks Deb but I have tried that. He refuses to keep them anywhere where he has to actually go and pick them up. Our garage is also full to the brim with his toys. :’(

 

im sorry hugos voice.:0{..what does he say when you have let him know how unhappy you are?

[todreaminblue]

hey hugosvoice just read some of your replies and found out he is abusive towards you...you never deserve abuse or should put up with it have you ever done professional counselling with him.....your esteem must be pretty low.....

 

maybe if he doesnt want to get couples counselling.....you should see a counsellor on your own so you have the support to make you stronger....to get your boundaries in order...to let your voice be heard without feeling intimidated..to either leave or to stay....you do need support....does your family know he is abusive.......deb