abandoned2018 Posted December 27, 2018 Share Posted December 27, 2018 Does your husband/wife/partner stay angry for days after a disagreement/fight? do they say let's stop this relationship/get a divorce/i don't love you after a disagreement/fight? do they say "you are fighting" when you try to talk about your feelings/any issues you are having in the relationship? how do i deal with a man who is doing all of the above? i was in a relationship with a man like this and my best friend is married to someone like this... is this how men are...? we are just confused about how to talk about issues (we always talk calmly, no name calling yelling etc) without being accused of fighting.... Link to post Share on other sites
Sinister Posted December 27, 2018 Share Posted December 27, 2018 I've always said that 2 adults can talk through a situation. If not...then someone is not being an adult about it. Or there is something that matters to them more than the other person in the relationship. If thats the case, the relationship is compromised. Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted December 27, 2018 Share Posted December 27, 2018 Does your husband/wife/partner stay angry for days after a disagreement/fight? No, neither of us do. What is the purpose of that? I am proud of the fact that we have always been able to at least make up enough to hug and sleep together after a disagreement. do they say let's stop this relationship/get a divorce/i don't love you after a disagreement/fight? No - why go nuclear? Once things are said, they can not be unsaid. do they say "you are fighting" when you try to talk about your feelings/any issues you are having in the relationship? No, but I may have to change my tone or rearrange what I am saying so that I can be understood. how do i deal with a man who is doing all of the above? i was in a relationship with a man like this and my best friend is married to someone like this... is this how men are...? we are just confused about how to talk about issues (we always talk calmly, no name calling yelling etc) without being accused of fighting.... No this isn't how men are. But sounds like a serious communication / conflict resolution issue. Which in my book are the number one necessary things to have if someone wants a long and happy marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Garcon1986 Posted December 27, 2018 Share Posted December 27, 2018 I think that this thread should be a sticky - many conflicts arise from the fundamental differences men and women are trained to communicate. Two classic examples - woman reports problem, man provides solution, then woman says he's not listening. Unfair accusation - woman should have said she's looking for an empathetic ear not an actual solution. Man says he's going to give a big show of affection, woman says he doesn't do enough for the relationship - man forgot that most women need frequent shows of affection rather than one big demonstration and then nothing for three weeks. I always try to: - fight fair - not generate conflict based upon the inherently different ways our minds work - never raise my voice and pledge never to hurt her - I would only ever hurt anybody going for my kid or somebody going to hurt her or the family - be willing to put arguments on pause if they are going into the wee hours of the night - insist on fighting on the weekend if she always insists on fighting at night when we are tired - insist on arguing based on positions rather than "below the belt" negative attacks - be ready to let her have her way on small things, but always make a joint decision on big moves in the marriage - if I think an argument should be discussed logically, request of her to hear my point of view - arguments that are "I want my way because I said so" are unhelpful in my book And of course try to sort this out during the dating process, or at least get her to agree to some of these criteria. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted December 28, 2018 Share Posted December 28, 2018 I've always been of the mindset that there is always an option "C". She wants option "A" and he wants option "B", and both parties think they are right. My long term girlfriend and I always had the same disagreement... week after week, month after month, year after year... I am cheap, I chose cheap dates, I travel/adventure cheaply, Cheap... Cheap... Cheap... So my solution was give her the "Travel and Entertainment" budget. She can plan the dates/travels/adventures and as long as they fit into the monthly budget. If the activities don't fit into the budget, she has the option to make up the shortfall out of her money or change the accommodations/arrangements. If she doesn't use up all of the travel budget, the excess can rollover into the next month. Solution "C" solved the problem, no more fights. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Giraffe-A Posted December 28, 2018 Share Posted December 28, 2018 It starts with love and ends with love. We used to start our arguments with, "I want to tell you that I really love you...why XYZ" We would put caps on the amount of alone time we took to defuse. I remember when I locked myself in the bathroom, I was determined to stay there for a year. My guy slipped a note under the door stating he was sorry and I should come out. I was the one who had started it, so I couldn't stay mad. The first time it lasted through the night, before he left for work he woke me up to say he was sorry he got mad at me the previous night. I covered him in kisses and told him it was okay. We'd later talk it out and found that after dealing with it that way made us compromise of back off out of respect for the other person. Link to post Share on other sites
ShadeOfGreen Posted December 28, 2018 Share Posted December 28, 2018 Partners staying angry for days, frequently threatening to end the relationship, and quick to put up walls when confronted with concerns is very fatiguing. It's not healthy, and the wedge between both people grows bigger over time. I like to be direct. This is what I need in this relationship. This is how I feel about it. You both may not always agree, but I find it better when both people try to close the gaps. If there's no progress, then suggest counseling as a tool. Seeing how your partner responds can indicate how much more effort you want to continue to put into the relationship, or if you think it's better to take a different path. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 28, 2018 Share Posted December 28, 2018 10 paces and a six-shooter? When married, my exW and I fought rarely and tended to reach middle-ground without rancor. Sometimes she gave in, sometimes I did, sometimes we met in the middle. Perhaps the marriage would've lasted longer if we'd fought more, IDK. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 28, 2018 Share Posted December 28, 2018 how do i deal with a man who is doing all of the above? i was in a relationship with a man like this and my best friend is married to someone like this... is this how men are...? we are just confused about how to talk about issues (we always talk calmly, no name calling yelling etc) without being accused of fighting.... The problem you had is that the main issue was external to your relationship. You cannot fix something that is not yours to fix. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Kitty Tantrum Posted December 28, 2018 Share Posted December 28, 2018 My ex-husband and I didn't solve very many disagreements. He had a way of escalating most everything to the point where I just wanted it to be over. I usually keep a pretty tight cap on my emotions, but he was highly skilled at pushing my buttons. He'd push and push and push until I finally raised my voice and then wouldn't let me walk away to cool down (following me around, not letting me leave the house, picking the lock on the bathroom door while I was hiding in there crying and getting in my face again, etc.). He'd just keep pushing until I was begging him to leave me alone, until he reached the point where he could eventually be the "good guy" by shifting gears and de-escalating the situation he had created - and I was happy to sweep everything under the rug as long as it meant the immediate conflict was over. It's totally different with my fiancé. For starters, it's amazing to me how many things we can simply disagree on without it being much of an issue at all. In practical matters that necessitate a consensus, there hasn't been anything yet that a civil (if sometimes tense) discussion hasn't solved. One of the biggest differences is that if I start getting emotional, he'll immediately make an effort to bring me down (softening his tone, taking my hand, pulling me in and holding me if I start crying, etc.) instead of playing that up to gain the upper hand. Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted October 13, 2019 Author Share Posted October 13, 2019 My ex-husband and I didn't solve very many disagreements. He had a way of escalating most everything to the point where I just wanted it to be over. I usually keep a pretty tight cap on my emotions, but he was highly skilled at pushing my buttons. He'd push and push and push until I finally raised my voice and then wouldn't let me walk away to cool down (following me around, not letting me leave the house, picking the lock on the bathroom door while I was hiding in there crying and getting in my face again, etc.). He'd just keep pushing until I was begging him to leave me alone, until he reached the point where he could eventually be the "good guy" by shifting gears and de-escalating the situation he had created - and I was happy to sweep everything under the rug as long as it meant the immediate conflict was over. It's totally different with my fiancé. For starters, it's amazing to me how many things we can simply disagree on without it being much of an issue at all. In practical matters that necessitate a consensus, there hasn't been anything yet that a civil (if sometimes tense) discussion hasn't solved. One of the biggest differences is that if I start getting emotional, he'll immediately make an effort to bring me down (softening his tone, taking my hand, pulling me in and holding me if I start crying, etc.) instead of playing that up to gain the upper hand. so happy to read that there are men who can handle situations like your fiancé. you are lucky.. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 (edited) Many years ago a good friend of mine gave some advice to a woman I was dating. "never give Mrin an ultimatum unless you want him to take it." She didn't listen. And she learned the hard way. I negotiate for a living. Many people think ultimatums or going nuclear is a sign of strength. It is the complete opposite. The second an opposing party issues an ultimatum or goes nuclear, I love it. It basically gives me complete power to dictate how the rest of the negotiation occurs - if it occurs at all. Same with relationships. Any time I'm in a relationship and the woman goes nuclear and threatens breaking up then I now know that the time for rational discussion is over. And it is now entirely in my power as to how to dispose of the situation - which 90% of the time results in an immediate acceptance of the ultimatum and a breakup. Life is too short to spend trying to resolve differences with irrational people. If I choose to rekindle it - it is on and only on my terms. Never go nuclear. Edited October 13, 2019 by Mrin Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 Agree with Mrin. I have never given an ultimatum. Instead, I've said that I'm ending it and have given a reason. On the odd occasion, they have said "OK, I will change that thing if you stay and I would talk". But if they don't offer, that's fine too because I don't end things lightly. The ones who were really, really gone didn't get a reason why. I wasn't willing to give points of negotiation. Also, I thought you were a girl Mrin. So sorry...I mustn't have been paying attention Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 ^^^ Ha! No worries! That's good news as I sometimes wonder if I come off like a meathead with some of the things I say. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 we always talk calmly, no name calling yelling etc We're I to give your husband any benefit of the doubt, I'll just say many people, both men and women, make this claim. Rarely is it true. It's much easier to be aware of someone else's change of tone, verbiage and body language than it is to track your own, lots of study to back this up. I'm not saying his conduct is reasonable and/or constructive. But your own role likely more contributory than you're admitting... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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