***Revised*** My gf needs constant validation, it’s draining... should I break up?

[KBS]

**NOTE** This is a repost of a thread that needed to be revised due to some confusion when last posted... please disregard other threads I posted prior as they are not related. I helped a friend write this, this is not my story, it’s his story. He’s hurting people and needs some guidance from those who may have gone through a similar experience or have an understanding of the situation. I introduced him to this site, as it has really helped me to get over a break up Please show my friend the same support; thank you.......

 

 

Hello,

 

I’ve been in a relationship for 3 years and I thought this would cool down by now, but it only seems to get more intense. My gf is a beautiful, loving, caring individual and I love her very much. Sometimes I questioned why she always needed validation/reassurance as I found her wonderful, and she would tell me she had insecurities because of her past relationships...I’ll get into that in a bit.

 

We work in towns about a couple of hours away from each other, we try visit each other as often as possible. When we are away from each other, she would want to talk on the phone for hours throughout the day, everyday, and if we’re not talking, we’re texting. At first I found it fine, but as the years went by I realized it was starting to impact my health as I didn’t have enough time to focus on myself and have become less in contact with my friends and family. One day, I told her that I need some space to take of myself, and that it’s ok if we didn’t talk for a day or two. She did not take that very well, she cries, and started accusing me of being neglectful, and that I didn’t prioritize her as much as she did. It almost felt like she was trying to guilt trip me, and I didn’t have none of it because I know myself and my intentions well and I’ve always been accommodating to her. I felt suffocated and told her that she needs to respect my boundaries, as I would do that for her if she felt the same way.

 

When we are together though, we have intense sex constantly (3 times a day on average). Probably a lot of you guys are wondering what the problem is. The very few times I’m drained because of a long day or whatever, and she asks for sex, i explain to her I’m actually tired and I probably won’t be able to perform. I also suggest that we can embrace each other without having sex, like cuddling. Again, she did not take that very well... started crying, telling me I am withholding from her and that it is unfair. Again, I started feeling that sensation of being suffocated and I told her that she obviously doesn’t realize or appreciate how much I truly love her and that she takes it for granted, which is very true.

 

She constantly tells me that she loves me, 10+ times a day, and I tell it back to her most of the time. The times that I don’t, I explain to her that my actions should prove to her that I do truly love her, and that I would prefer reserving the word for meaningful occasions so that it doesn’t lose its value. She always found that to be odd, but I believe actions speak louder than words.

 

This girl is head over heels for me, but she has a history of relationships where it always starts off great, but the man eventually would start neglecting her and it would blow over (her side of the story of course). She also claimed that her ex husband was neglectful, and once they were separated for 3 months, and during that time she was having sex with another guy. Eventually, her then husband called her and suggested that they should work thing out, and she goes back to him without ever telling him. That story always bothered me, and made me wonder if she only expresses love to somebody under the condition of sex, even if she is in a committed relationship. I knew that we got together soon after her divorce, but from her story it seemed like he was a really bad partner to her, and now I’m not too sure.

 

I’m starting to have doubts about her feelings for me, once I asked for a break so I can focus on myself, it was open ended. It lasted 3 weeks, and I called her up and said that I missed her and that we should continue... she agreed. She was a bit cold and distant at first, but in a few days of being with each other, she became as fiery as ever. One night, we were watching some Netflix and she asked me out of the blue if there was anybody else during our break. I said “obviously not” and that I still had feelings for her, and I just needed a break to focus on a few things, like career and family. But then I asked her back, and she said she has been hanging out with work colleagues at a bar and one of them brought a friend who was giving her attention. She hung out with her work colleagues several times during the break, and buddy would always be there. One night, they made out, for 20 MIN outside the bar!!! She claimed he tried to take her home, but she turned him down. I lost my **** at her and told her how she can just forget about me and be physically intimate with someone else only weeks after the start of our break. And she justified it by saying that there was no guarantee that we would get back together and so she didn’t do anything wrong.

 

Her incessant need for validation, reassurance, and insatiable sex still persists... and it is draining me. But at this point I’m not sure if she truly loves me as she expresses or if she is using me to feel fulfilled in her own selfish ways. I am on the verge of breaking up with her, but I truly care for her, but I feel like I’m trapped. She’s been telling me that she wants a baby as well. I’m confused and I’m hesitating, but my gut tells me that if I continue this relationship, that I would be making a mistake.

 

Any advice/insight would be appreciated, thank you for your time and consideration.

Edited December 28, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Wallysbears]

Is this the same girl?

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/670272-i-want-friends-my-ex-she-s-not-ready

 

 

Because the story you are telling here and that story are a bit different and I'm trying to put the pieces together.

[KBS]

No, separate story. A friend experienced this lately and I told him about this website and he asked if he can post his story on here for others opinions.

[Wallysbears]

So you and your friend are both in long term relationships with women 3 hours away? And you've decided to try to post HIS story for him but relate it as being your story instead by using the I pronoun?

 

 

Maybe you should both try dating locally?

[KBS]

Posting it on my account as a favor...he feels that I’m too involved as a close friend. I say to dump her and that he can do better and that she’ll probably jump on the very next guy that gives her attention, which is not true love to begin with.

[See-Me-Feel-Me]

Be wary of BPD (borderline personality disorder) in her. It's a shortfall in childhood development which tends to lead to co-dependence--meaning she makes her partner the entire focus of her interests in the world and has extreme insecurities that eat her up if she is not being fed the messages she expects. My life was destroyed by such a relationship, largely because I didn't even know there was such a thing and was fining out the hard way. It took up two years.

 

 

Because she was beautiful, sexy and always ready for action in bed I didn't want to quit on her. But she did some things that defied any reason I could come up with--betraying my intimacy with her and taking things disclosed in confidence and using them as weapons against me when she would have one of her co-dependent insecurity BPD attacks. I was in shambles by the time I finally quit her. And it was so hard to give up that sex and face the unknown again at 35.

[KBS]

I am already dating someone locally... thank you very much We travel for work, we’re also colleagues.

[KBS]

See-Me-Feel-Me:

 

Thank you for the insight, I will definitely share this with him... I hope you find someone who is healthier. Yeah, my friend is having a hard time giving up the sex but I keep telling him relationships are way more than just that. He’s a well rounded guy, I’m sure once he finds a girl that’s right for him he’ll forget this one

[grays]

I am already dating someone locally... thank you very much We travel for work, we’re also colleagues.

 

I’m so confused. Is this the same woman you’re talking about in this post? Or a different one?

 

You work in separate towns but live in the same town?

[KBS]

I’m so confused. Is this the same woman you’re talking about in this post? Or a different one?

 

You work in separate towns but live in the same town?

 

Greys:

 

I’m sorry for the confusion, I was responding to Wallysbear. The first post is the main focus and my friend wrote it directly through my account on my laptop as he was visiting, which explain the personal pronouns.

 

To clear the confusion to anyone who reads this thread, please focus on the first post and disregard the previous thread I posted last month as they are unrelated.

 

Thank you again for your time and consideration.

[littleblackheart]

 

I’ve been in a relationship for 3 years and I thought this would cool down by now, but it only seems to get more intense. My gf is a beautiful, loving, caring individual and I love her very much. Sometimes I questioned why she always needed validation/reassurance as I found her wonderful, and she would tell me she had insecurities because of her past relationships...I’ll get into that in a bit.

 

We work in towns about a couple of hours away from each other, we try visit each other as often as possible. When we are away from each other, she would want to talk on the phone for hours throughout the day, everyday, and if we’re not talking, we’re texting. At first I found it fine, but as the years went by I realized it was starting to impact my health as I didn’t have enough time to focus on myself and have become less in contact with my friends and family. One day, I told her that I need some space to take of myself, and that it’s ok if we didn’t talk for a day or two. She did not take that very well, she cries, and started accusing me of being neglectful, and that I didn’t prioritize her as much as she did. It almost felt like she was trying to guilt trip me, and I didn’t have none of it because I know myself and my intentions well and I’ve always been accommodating to her. I felt suffocated and told her that she needs to respect my boundaries, as I would do that for her if she felt the same way.

 

When we are together though, we have intense sex constantly (3 times a day on average). Probably a lot of you guys are wondering what the problem is. The very few times I’m drained because of a long day or whatever, and she asks for sex, i explain to her I’m actually tired and I probably won’t be able to perform. I also suggest that we can embrace each other without having sex, like cuddling. Again, she did not take that very well... started crying, telling me I am withholding from her and that it is unfair. Again, I started feeling that sensation of being suffocated and I told her that she obviously doesn’t realize or appreciate how much I truly love her and that she takes it for granted, which is very true.

 

She constantly tells me that she loves me, 10+ times a day, and I tell it back to her most of the time. The times that I don’t, I explain to her that my actions should prove to her that I do truly love her, and that I would prefer reserving the word for meaningful occasions so that it doesn’t lose its value. She always found that to be odd, but I believe actions speak louder than words.

 

This girl is head over heels for me, but she has a history of relationships where it always starts off great, but the man eventually would start neglecting her and it would blow over (her side of the story of course). She also claimed that her ex husband was neglectful, and once they were separated for 3 months, and during that time she was having sex with another guy. Eventually, her then husband called her and suggested that they should work thing out, and she goes back to him without ever telling him. That story always bothered me, and made me wonder if she only expresses love to somebody under the condition of sex, even if she is in a committed relationship. I knew that we got together soon after her divorce, but from her story it seemed like he was a really bad partner to her, and now I’m not too sure.

 

I’m starting to have doubts about her feelings for me, once I asked for a break so I can focus on myself, it was open ended. It lasted 3 weeks, and I called her up and said that I missed her and that we should continue... she agreed. She was a bit cold and distant at first, but in a few days of being with each other, she became as fiery as ever. One night, we were watching some Netflix and she asked me out of the blue if there was anybody else during our break. I said “obviously not” and that I still had feelings for her, and I just needed a break to focus on a few things, like career and family. But then I asked her back, and she said she has been hanging out with work colleagues at a bar and one of them brought a friend who was giving her attention. She hung out with her work colleagues several times during the break, and buddy would always be there. One night, they made out, for 20 MIN outside the bar!!! She claimed he tried to take her home, but she turned him down. I lost my **** at her and told her how she can just forget about me and be physically intimate with someone else only weeks after the start of our break. And she justified it by saying that there was no guarantee that we would get back together and so she didn’t do anything wrong.

 

Her incessant need for validation, reassurance, and insatiable sex still persists... and it is draining me. But at this point I’m not sure if she truly loves me as she expresses or if she is using me to feel fulfilled in her own selfish ways. I am on the verge of breaking up with her, but I truly care for her, but I feel like I’m trapped. She’s been telling me that she wants a baby as well. I’m confused and I’m hesitating, but my gut tells me that if I continue this relationship, that I would be making a mistake.

 

Any advice/insight would be appreciated, thank you for your time and consideration.

 

The bolded gives a pretty clear picture of where your friend is at. For the sake of his mental health, he should detach himself from this dysfunctional relationship.

 

There is no need to try and rationalise this or diagnose her - he is not feeling good about her, himself or the future of the relationship. Based on this, this looks like a no-brainer.

[KBS]

The bolded gives a pretty clear picture of where your friend is at. For the sake of his mental health, he should detach himself from this dysfunctional relationship.

 

There is no need to try and rationalise this or diagnose her - he is not feeling good about her, himself or the future of the relationship. Based on this, this looks like a no-brainer.

 

I told him the same thing, I guess he needs to hear it from more people. He says he feels guilty about it and it’s difficult to break it off after 3 years because the good times are really good, but then again the bad times are really bad too. Thank you for your insight, I will share it with him.