AlexAD Posted December 28, 2018 Share Posted December 28, 2018 Hello- Hope someone out there has experienced this and can provide some sound guidance... My partner and I have been seeing one another for almost 2 years and have a good, respectful, strong relationship. We love one another and try to be attentive and work to focus on the other as much as possible with work and other life happenings. We are two women- we live together for a year now. I love living with her. My family is fine with my sexuality and live nearby, we see them often and they more than accept her and us. We’ve gone on vacation together- my nephews call her, “Aunt,” etc. and while we’re small, we live in the states. Her family lives 2.25 hr by plane in Puerto Rico. My family includes my partner in all holidays and events...we are different religions (I am jewish she celebrates Xmas) but without second thought she gets presents and is invited etc. She lived in the states for Grad school (doctorate), and now has been here 3 years prior (2 of which with me). 4 years were in another state and 3 here. She is established, career, etc., and me too. The thing is, starting about 8 months in she started to reveal that she was extremely homesick and had to visit her family. Okay- no surprise and makes sense. So she went for a long weekend. Then we went again for a birthday weekend. Then we visited her mother and family here for 4 days when they went to another state. Then her mother came here and stayed with us. Every time now she has had a break from work (and she’s a doctor so not frequently) it is spent with her family. I’ve gone 2/4 times in the past year but now she booked a trip for this Xmas. What was supposed to be the 21st to the 25th became the 21st to the 28th, first off, without acknowledging me. Second- everytime one of these trips ends, there’s about a one week period of sulking, crying, tearing up, moping around. So after every one of these there’s the one week lag time of depression. Now she left for 8 days and the thing is: I understand seeing family and missing them. Who wouldn’t? But what I don’t understand is being second. I don’t understand being alone during the holidays when I have to take off work and have days off and she’s in another place with family and I’m alone? Technically I’m not alone but I’m here watching our pets and seeing photos of everyone in ugly matching pajamas and as a Jewish person, I would have loved to have somewhere to go on Xmas with my partner. So now- it’s been about 4 days since Xmas and I’m back at work today so that was nice Bc I saw some of my work people but honestly, I’m very hurt by this. Now I will never understand what it’s like for her to have her family far and be apart from them but at the same time I can’t also understand leaving the person you love for 8 days during the holidays. I could see 4-5, compromise. When I said this to her too- she did not agree and turned it to me having a problem with her seeing her family. I said thats far from it- I actually would love to see them WITH you! And I threw out there: what if I said, “I’m coming!” And she said then you would have come- so I mean, great answer, but I didn’t go. And I wasn’t invited. I know it isnt all about ME, but this is my life and my future here. If I say to my partner, “I don’t think I can live like this where someone puts me second and doesn’t think to want to be with me during their time off or on the holidays...” and I explained to her that it’s very immature too and that when you’re our ages (she:33 me:34) you need to separate your family you were born into from the one you’re creating. She says she wants a future with me but this really really threw me. And to make matters worse I’m so bothered by it I’m doing that psychotic **** where I’m like, “oh this just doesn’t add up....is there anything you want to tell me,” and my mind is off the rails. She comes home tomorrow and I do not want to be mad at this person I love so dearly. I do not want to lose her or separate her from her family- it’s NOT my intention. What do I do guys..... Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 28, 2018 Share Posted December 28, 2018 I know it isnt all about ME And yet you seem determined to make it so. Your partner is very close to her family and feels attached to her homeland and culture, both factors that will inure to your benefit when you have a family of your own. And yes, it's annoying to see the disproportionate allocation of her vacation time. She's been with you for two years, them for 30+. Given some time and patience on your part, things will settle down. Think long-term. including avoiding the temptation to make a little problem into a big one... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author AlexAD Posted December 28, 2018 Author Share Posted December 28, 2018 And yet you seem determined to make it so. Your partner is very close to her family and feels attached to her homeland and culture, both factors that will inure to your benefit when you have a family of your own. And yes, it's annoying to see the disproportionate allocation of her vacation time. She's been with you for two years, them for 30+. Given some time and patience on your part, things will settle down. Think long-term. including avoiding the temptation to make a little problem into a big one... Mr. Lucky I’m 34 turning 35- how much time and patience must I have “Mr” Lucky, until I can’t have children with this person, or until we do have children and the same **** is happening. Away every 2 months then returns home with her head still there. I think it’s time to grow up. Being close is all fine and well- but if you’re living here and chose a partner here, priorities? And clearly- I’m not one. That’s what I am feeling. Not that I made it all about me. And guess what- there are two people in this relationship. Not one. I have patience for everything- how much more do I have until I’m 40, no children and wasted years of this - where she says, yeah we’re going to have a problem then- and does whatever the hell she wants without any consideration for me?? Easier said than done - your zen, ohm, oh just wait it out theory. Kind of difficult when you’re hurt, been left on holidays while this person cavorts with family for 8 days, you’re watchig pets and carrying on here and barely speaking while their overbearing family takes over and you’re not so much as invited let alone feel like you’re even cared for. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 29, 2018 Share Posted December 29, 2018 The thing is, starting about 8 months in she started to reveal that she was extremely homesick and had to visit her family. Okay- no surprise and makes sense. So she went for a long weekend. Then we went again for a birthday weekend. Then we visited her mother and family here for 4 days when they went to another state. Then her mother came here and stayed with us. "Alex", you've known this about her since early on in the relationship. I'll simply wish you luck in trying to change this now. I get the frustration, I'd feel neglected also. But I'd guess home and family are always going to be a big part of her, travel included. You'll have to make your plans, whatever they are, accordingly... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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