alwayswondering Posted September 15, 2005 Share Posted September 15, 2005 Just wanting some really honest advice about knowing when it is just cold feet or soem signs you should call it off. I have been engaged a month and having some serious doubts. I can't tell if it is just me freaking out over losing my independance, the transition to living together, or just that it is not right. I don't want to make a mistake either way. How do ya know. Everyone says to follow my heart, but I don't know what it is telling me anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted September 15, 2005 Share Posted September 15, 2005 Everyone says to follow my heart, but I don't know what it is telling me anymore. Is that why you haven't mentioned whether you love your fiance or not? I think some more information would be helpful. What is your history with this guy? Was this a whirlwind romance? Why do you feel getting married would mean a loss of independence? Have you both finished school & are working full time? Is there a date set for the wedding? Link to post Share on other sites
Jas Posted September 16, 2005 Share Posted September 16, 2005 Hey tngirl1976 - I just posted something very similar under the Marriage forum and then came across yours. Anyway, it looks like we may be going through the same type of thing right now. I know what you mean by not knowing what your heart is telling you. How long have you lived together? Are you noticing that things are changing in your relationship ie: more comfortable with each other and less concern w/ impressing one another? Well I could go on, but feel free to PM me if you want to swap stories. Link to post Share on other sites
Nyasa Posted September 16, 2005 Share Posted September 16, 2005 Speaking from experience I am pretty sure you just do not want to get married to him or you are not ready, doesn't mean you don't love him. Falling in love or geniunaly caring for someone is pretty easy, but making a realtionship work, finding a partner you can see yourself spending your entire life with now that it HARD! Realize marriage is work, you become a team in life, you are making a pretty big commitment so you better be sure you are doing it b/c YOU know this and are certain you want to be in the long haul with this person, this person has to be your best friend and your rock. Losing independence, sharing your entire life with someone is scary,but if you really love him you will feel at peace with this as well. Doubts are normal, fear is normal, but overall you should be overjoyed to marry this person, to combine your lives. I was engaged and living with my fiance up until about 3 months ago. I knew it was wrong, wrong, wrong from the beginning and I blamed it on everything, it was my issues with commitment or it was b/c I couldn't get over a silly crush or I was just plain nervous b/c it was a big step. Never could I admit that maybe it just wasn't meant to be. I am telling you something, intuition is a beautiful tool we have been blessed with. Somehow we always know the ansewer and the truth of things, but rarely are we strong enough to admit to it and do what needs to be done, no matter how painful it is. Sometimes we cloud our emotions and thoughts with everything from busying ourselves to even listening to our friends and family (who while they mean well have a bias opinion). Really sit with this, is it just fear or are there other signs in your realtionship that give validation for it maybe being the wrong descison. For example is he absoultly wonderful to you, is he a good guy, do you really love him in the right way and do you feel he loves you the right way? Are you doing all this for the right reason, not b/c you guys think it's the next natural step or b/c you are getting to an age that you think you shpuld or b/c everyone else around you is doing it? These are all the reasons my fiance and I were moving forward with it despite all the signs and feelings that is was wrong! I wrote a lot during this time, that's important, write your very honest feelings about things, be free with it and then go back and keep reading it, I bet you will see things you didn't relaize were there. I found that I doubted it from the beginning and felt trapped and depressed, it's supposed to one of the most exciting times of your life! I only found happiness out it b/c it was safe and I loved the whole planning thing, the dress and all. That is not a valid reason to get married! Ironically my fiance was the one that called it off and when it first happened I was mortified, I thought it was all my fault, I was a bad person and he sensed that and now I just lost the best guy ever, but then I started really looking at things. I was soon estactic b/c I felt free, I felt like I could be me again and have a real chance at love and you know what I started realizing (through therpy, a great tool for ANYONE) that he wasn't such a great guy and our realtionship was far from perfect, no realtionship is, but neither one of us ever wanted to compromise and that is key in a realtionship. We were complete opposites and we were never open and honest with how we felt, so we basically stayed together miserable for 6 months until one of us was brave enough to bring it up! Thank god he did b/f we walked down that aisle. It is hard to admit those feelings and figure out if they are valid, but I suggest you TALK TO HIM! Maybe you will find he feels the same or maybe he will comfort you and you can talk it out and you will realize it is the right descison or that maybe you should just hold off on wedding plans until you feel ready, but by all means do not hide your feelings, be honest, that is what makes marriage and realtionships work! Good luck to you and please search your soul and TALK TO HIM. Whatever comes from it will be for the best. I won't lie and say it wasn't hard and painful and still is sometimes, but overall I am so much happier and I look forward to the day that I will be READY to be married and find the right partener, not what is right in front of me. My ex and I are now good friends and I wouldn't have it any other way!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
roxyg Posted September 16, 2005 Share Posted September 16, 2005 I've been engaged for six months now, and it got really rough for a while there. Everything happened all of a sudden, and I had no real time to think about what I was getting into. It wasn't or isn't just dating anymore, it's a complete and total committment to marriage and life with someone else. Although my fiance and I dated for two years prior to our engagement, I wasn't ready for all of that. And then the arguing began over everything, and I became so confused. I even tried to talk my fiance out of marrying me, not on one occasion, but several. My emotions were on a rollercoaster ride everyday! Eventually I became so fed up with how I was feeling, that I started counseling. A very good friend of mine advised me to do this, and after a couple sessions I realized that more was going on within me alone, than with just being engaged. I've learned so far that a lot of past issues come into play when you get engaged because it brings about other memories, and a lot of my memories were of painful relationships. I could not be anymore thankful for my fiance, he is wonderful, patient, and most of all he loves me. I hope this is how you see your fiance because when it comes down to it, it was you that said, "yes." Link to post Share on other sites
Jas Posted September 16, 2005 Share Posted September 16, 2005 Roxyg and Nyasa, your posts brought tears to my eyes. What you each said was very powerful - yet so different. Going from one post to the other is pretty much how my thought process works. One day I'm feeling that intuition that I should leave, but the next day I'm feeling like I've got such a great guy and it's definitely no secret that I've got a past crammed full of issues. There is no pressure coming from him to get married soon, so he is patient enough to wait until I feel 100% ready. I am in couselling and plan on giving this much more time, regardless of which route is chosen. Hopefully your messages help the OP as well, but from me- thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Nyasa Posted September 19, 2005 Share Posted September 19, 2005 I'm happy it helped you Jas. Good luck and keep up with the counseling, it really helps and really opens your eyes and HEART! Link to post Share on other sites
Author alwayswondering Posted September 19, 2005 Author Share Posted September 19, 2005 thanks for everything, ya'll have really helped me a lot. Today I feel overjoyed and happy, but in the back of my mind, I don't know how long that will last. Everytime I am happy about something, no matter what, it always seems short-lived. I think I am starting to figure out that I am mostly having doubts about my life changing so much, I have been single for the last 5 years so it is scary to open up to such a big change after working so hard to be independant, even though that is what I ultimately want. I think it has less to do with him and more to do with myself and fear of the unknown and fear of losing my social life that I have always depended on to survive. I know I will figure it out in time. Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted September 19, 2005 Share Posted September 19, 2005 I read some advice not too long ago on how to know whether you should get married that was pretty thought provoking. Basically, it said that you shouldn't get married until you already feel married to that person. Marriage should just be a confirmation of that to each other and an announcement to your friends and family. Maybe that didn't help any, but I hope it does a little. In any case, I hope I didn't confuse you more. Link to post Share on other sites
Firebird Posted September 23, 2005 Share Posted September 23, 2005 I completeing understand what everyone is going through I'm going through the same thing but I think my situation is worse I'm suppose to be getting married next month but I met somebody now I'm even more confused please help! Link to post Share on other sites
Firebird Posted September 23, 2005 Share Posted September 23, 2005 Sorry about my grammer this is very difficult for me to talk about it makes me nervous!!! Anybody feel free to ask anything about my relationship my wedding day is around the corner and I have my fingers crossed that I can figure this out by then. Link to post Share on other sites
vixen123 Posted November 28, 2005 Share Posted November 28, 2005 fire bird, did u eventually get married.... Link to post Share on other sites
sophia34 Posted November 28, 2005 Share Posted November 28, 2005 I'm right there with you, always. I've put up a similar post, because I just got engaged and I'm feeling incredibly alone and uncertain in that decision. There is nothing my fiance does that would be a "red flag." He is wonderful to me, he supports me in every way, we get along great, we resolve arguments well and fairly, etc., etc. The only problem is that I may not love him. I just don't feel right about that. How could I not love someone who is so good to me in every way? So I've gotten myself into the situation where I said yes to his proposal hoping that I would come to realize I DID love him and that my feelings would stabilize. Not yet. It's only been a week since I said yes, and I DID call a counselor (appointment is this Thursday--not nearly soon enough). Like you, I need to decide whether the turmoil I feel is a result of the propsect of losing my single life and independence or whether it's because I really am about to marry a man I don't love. I liked crazy girl's question: Do you feel like you're already married to him? Yes, I do feel like that, really. I'm hoping that's the true feeling, and that all the rest is coming from somewhere else. But just know you're not the only one! Link to post Share on other sites
Hot Coco Posted November 28, 2005 Share Posted November 28, 2005 Whether it's because of the prospect of losing your single life or that you don't love him, you shouldn't be getting married any time soon. It's not right either way. Don't be sorry. Read Tony's post on this subject. Link to post Share on other sites
Author alwayswondering Posted November 28, 2005 Author Share Posted November 28, 2005 Hey everyone, I just wanted to let you know I called it off several weeks ago. I found out some stuff about him such as he prefers to buy electronic toys instead of pay bills and has an enormous amount of debt because of it, his credit is to bad that his car was in his ex fiance's father's name and he saw nothing wrong with this, the father took the car back and he was without a vehicle for a month, again saw nothing wrong with this and depended on others to take care of him, and I found out he had been lying about some major things since we had been together and I caught him looking at teenage porn on my computer! So I threw his free-loading, non paying, mooching butt out of my place and he is now living in a trailer park and his trailer is completely furnished by the rent - a- center. Talk about pathetic! And I am so lucky I didn't end up with this loser, not to mention he tried to control everything I did and tell me who I could and couldn't invite to my own wedding.....and I have a damn master's degree and he barely made it outta high school. Link to post Share on other sites
bab Posted November 28, 2005 Share Posted November 28, 2005 Congrats!! Sounds like you definitely made the right call, good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
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