"Boyfriend" acting like friend

[hollyrose2]

TL;DR - "boyfriend" treating me only as a friend (no affection at all etc, feel like he doesnt really care about me) I've been silent about my hurt/confused feelings out of fear of freaking him out as he's quite an anxious person and I'm a bit of a doormat (bad mix I know). What do I do? I do still like him and want to make things work but is it worth it or just a lost cause?

 

Ok so, first post on here because I need some serious advice. Basically I've been friends with this guy for a couple of years now, we started by talking on Facebook everyday then started hanging out more in person a few months in (usually go to movies and dinner). A few months ago he told me over Facebook that he really liked me and wanted things to go further than friendship, then said he wanted things between us to be "official" (which I assumed meant a relationship).

 

I've liked him for ages so told him how I felt and said yes. Since then nothing has really changed and that discussion has been swept under the rug, he treats me only as a friend and I'm extremely confused. Absolutely no physical affection from him apart from the occasional hug (usually initiated by me - which I've now stopped doing because I always feel I'm making him uncomfortable). We recently went on a trip to see a band he liked and even sleeping in the same bed together nothing happened, not even anything innocent like a cuddle.

 

He's extremely active (and obsessed with) social media but takes forever to answer my messages even when hes the one to start the conversation, likes none of my posts and spends most of his time when were together snapchatting his work friends. Also hasn't changed his fb relationship status which still says single (have not changed mine either - I know some people are more private about that than others so may not signal a huge problem but still). He barely ever asks about my day or how I'm doing but will always tell me about himself.

 

Obviously I've been letting him take control of the situation and sitting back and letting it happen. I thought for awhile that if I was patient with him something would eventually happen, but it's becoming extremely frustrating and hurtful. When he told me he liked me he did say he was "bad at these sorts of things" and was "a complicated and indecisive mess" but that despite that he still wanted more than friendship. I thought that meant it might make this a slow relationship, which I was fine with because I struggle with anxiety and vulnerability issues myself due to past relationships, but this isn't slow, it's basically non-existent.

 

My feelings for him are definitely lessening because I feel like I can't express them, like if I'm affectionate with him or talk about them he'll just blow me off or something, so I hold myself back. I guess I'm also afraid to lose him as a friend because (apart from all the relationship crap) we get along great and have so much in common, so I might be a bit scared of "rocking the boat" by bringing all this up (abandonment issues lol). But I'm getting really sick of feeling so confused and down all the time about it and just letting things slide out of fear of losing him (probably never had him in the first place though I know).

 

Do I talk to him about my concerns or just ignore him and back off?

Edited December 28, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Garcon1986]

Welcome to LS, Sorry to hear you are going through this.

 

If there's no affection, I don't understand how you classify your relationship as being BF/GF?

 

You are in a tough situation. You should at least have one meeting of the minds and see what reaction he has. If it's small requests like showing affection and love, I think it's reasonable and a reasonable man wouldn't get to angry over it. If you are so afraid of sharing your opinion this relationship is a dead end. As we men say, it's easier to make a relationship into a friendship than the other way around. See if you can make a concrete plan to transform your friendship into a BF/GF. If not, you are well within reason to seek out another who will love you properly.

[Noproblem]

I don't think you are friends either!

 

I think you are his emotional support and his confidence boost and his therapist.

 

You are there for him, you listen to him, but he never does listen to you or cares about what you do with your life.

 

He is the center of the attention and you are his cheerleader!

 

You will always be his sidekick and cheerleader!

 

The end!

 

 

Time to make a decision.

[Lotsgoingon]

Really awkward and confusing ... Hang in there.

 

Forget the friendship. There is no friendship independent of your romance--you crossed that bridge long ago.

 

Now there are a few ... very few ... very very very few ... people who can transition out of romance into friendship ... But the conditions for that kind of transition aren't in place in your case because both of you guys edit and hide ... Friendship requires real honesty ... no way you guys can negotiate a real friendship that survives the romance--given how shut down you are. You might both PRETEND you can be friends. But you can't.

 

You're suffering in silence ... You might as well voice your feelings and find out what's going on ... your suffering will be no worse if you get the truth. You're FEELING his coldness and distance and disinterest now ... Hearing the words will sting but then you'll get out of the current silent agony you're in.

 

Time to practice getting a voice ... You can not be a partner in a relationship without a voice... it's sort of the equivalent of trying to be a modern citizen and an educated worker without the ability to read or write. Your silence and fear is THAT handicapping.

 

Seems like he wants to break up ... or he's depressed ... but like you ... he doesn't have a voice ... so he can't tell you ... so he just withdraws into his shell without saying anything ... Both of you guys seem like you need to find counseling ... But I would go with individual work ... because you guys are so shut down, so afraid to confront and be honest and direct with the other, that couples counseling is likely to fall flat. You'll each edit yourselves and not get anywhere.

 

The good news: this painful impasse can be a great learning experience, one you really need if you want to have real relationships and connections in the future.

[d0nnivain]

You absolutely talk to him about your concerns. This is your relationship too & if your needs aren't being met, you are entitled to change things