2 years, yet I can't seem to be able to forget

[AsheSky]

Hi. I'm a guy and I just turned 22.

 

I had my first heart break ever. She was the first girl I ever dated, and in short fashion, she's the one who broke things off after 4 years. I was kind of devastated but I walked away and respected her decision.

 

It's been 2 years now. During this time, I discovered (and found proof) that she cheated on me when we were together. I didn't talk to her about it, as it didn't matter anymore. I also found out that she told her BFF that she never saw a future (marriage, kids, etc.) between us and didn't take it our relationship super seriously.

 

Yet, even after knowing all this, even after all this time, I still miss her. About an hour ago, I recieved a photo from a common friend on which there was my ex, and I felt really sad. I don't know why she seems so pretty to me. Everybody tells me she's gained weight and that she is no beauty pageant, but I don't manage to see things this way.

 

Over these 2 years, I tried everything to move on and forget her. I didn't keep in touch with her, namely I told her that I'm here if she needs me but I will not remain her friend. I didn't keep any reminder of her, picked up a new hobby (astrophotography) and started working out. I try to focus as much as I can on my studies, but even after all this, I still miss her. Sometimes, I have dreams in which I'm crying my eyes out, and she's there to hug me and console me. I don't think I feel lonely because, though I am far from being a highly social person, I still have enough social support and I am not asking for more.

 

So here. I don't really know what to do. I sincerely hope there's a way for me to get over her, because I know I'll suffer my entire life if I don't.

[nolanola]

I'll share my story with you, I hope it helps. I dated a guy for many, many years. We met when I was 16 and he was 19. I fell totally in love with him and he was my first everything. We dated through college and I started getting kind of restless, as I had never dated anyone else. I cheated on him and broke up with him for another guy. He was devastated and I felt horrible for breaking his heart.

To my surprise, the grass was not greener with the new guy and he broke up with me a few months later (for another girl, talk about karma!!). I went back to the first guy and he took me back. We dated for a few more years after that, even moving in together and talking about marriage. I wasn't ready to get married and wasn't sure about him and we eventually broke up. He moved across the country for graduate school, but we stayed in very close touch. He was my best friend. He dated a few other people, but we were still closely tied together. We had been in each other's lives for around 10 years at that point.

Eventually, he met a woman and they got serious. I remember when I realized that he was serious with her. I was devastated and lashed out at him. He told me we would never be together again and he stopped talking to me for a while. The next time I heard from him was when he called to tell me that he was engaged. He invited me to their wedding, but there was no way I could go and watch that.

That was about 10 years ago. He is still married to her as far as I know (we are friends on Facebook, but I don't look at his page). I still love him, but not the same way. I think it has to do with him being the first person to show me what love is and also how much pain it can cause. He has a special place in my heart.

I think you will always love her and will always find her special and beautiful. She was your first love and that's understandable. Sometimes you just have to love someone from afar and wish them the best. I don't look at my exes Facebook page because even though it's been years and years, seeing a picture of him with his wife and children still makes me ache a little. But I care about him immensely and want him to be happy.

[Nukem]

I'll also share my story.

We met more than 20 years ago. She was 16, I was 20. During the first 4 years we broke up 1 time. I was inexperienced, didn't know how to love, she was my first, I was her first. She tried with another guy, somehow I won her back. We got married and became parents at the age of me 26, she 22. We were married almost 10 years, have been divorced for 7. I suggested the divorce since there has been OM in the game. She explained me that the OM is not to blame, I was who pushed her in his hands.

All the time we have been living in the same neighborhood. I see and talk with her almost every week. Occasionally we celebrate family events.

She is prettier then ever. I cannot win her back and I won't try. Still I regret all my mistakes. There is positive side. I give more time to our daughter, I am more mature and self-controlled.

[LuckyM]

I still fondly recall GFs and would be GFs from long long ago. I look them up on the internet and facebook to no avail. If you are the introspective obsessive type like me then yes you will dwell on her indefinitely into the future. Sad but very true. Or as time passes you may meet someone much better and she will recede into the background forever. You may never forget her, but that is okay!

Store her photo and other things about her away out of sight. Try to avoid thinking of the enjoyable nice times you had and instead recall any arguments or tiffs and things you have nothing in common. Diminish her image and do not idealize her, as I have done.

Avoid even writing about her on the web, if you can.

[Beachead]

Hey OP,

 

I'm going to go ahead and assume you two were young when you started out since you are now 22. In the grand scheme of things, this is a young age. People are still figuring out themselves and therefore figuring out their taste in partners. A lot of changes happen between this time. 22 is still young. You are just starting your life out. And life will change tremendously over the next few years for you.

 

It's the same for her. She is in development.

 

Your girl was never serious and no matter how good you could have been as a boyfriend, it wouldn't have made a difference in her ultimately leaving.

 

I'll tell you why.

 

You two were together. You were her boyfriend. Therefore, you were the person she should have spoken to about these things. If not you, who else? Instead, she went to an outside source and never mentioned anything to you. Left you in the dark. That is the mark of someone who is not committed to a future. Someone who keeps secrets. Communication is always important. Doesn't matter if it causes fights or arguments..people who are working on a future together get it done and hash it out.

 

Secondly..she cheated on you. Man oh man if there is any deal breaker, its that. Again, she lied and again this is the mark of someone who is not long-term material. You can never trust that girl again. Every guy she talks to will forever be a potential threat in your mind no matter how hard you try to not think about it. The cheating and then lying about it also shows how little respect she had for you. If she wanted to try other men out, all she had to do was end it. Instead, she kept it on the downlow, covered her bases, made sure she kept a sure thing around which was you, while she lined another guy up as a possible new partner. This way, she could bounce from one relationship to the next without ever having to be alone. This tells me, she was afraid to be alone which has to do with a lot of issues she is dealing with in her life and within herself. These things don't just happen. People looking for a way out leave all the doors unlocked for someone else to walk in and take over.

 

You miss her for who you thought she was. Who you wanted her to be. Not for who she really was. You miss what could have been based on this facade rather than what actually was. The reality wasn't very pretty and you know that. You miss affection, intimacy, being close with someone. It's not her you miss..it's the idea that you miss.

 

In regards to solutions, I would block her social media accounts and delete her numbers. Social Media has given a way for people to broadcast, only the best of their life, while hiding the struggles happening behind the scenes. The tears, the pain, the bs etc. They can manipulate their image and choose what to show and not show, it is therefore a false picture. A false picture we get fooled by, thinking that what we see online is what is happening in their real life. We compare our worst to this false picture and we try to compete against it. We suffer because try as we might, we can never make ourself feel better and wind up caught in a game of who can "One Up the Other." When it comes to exes, this is far more pronounced.

 

So take her off of it.

 

By doing this, you are subconsciously severing the last link to your ex and closing a chapter in your life and moving forward. You can even pull yourself off of social media for awhile (6 months or so) and focus on your life. Focus on having in-person interactions. Concentrate on your long-term goals and spend your time working on accomplishing those. You're going to notice a change in yourself. It is almost like a detox. After 6 months , see how you feel. See if you even want to come back to Facebook or Instagram or whatever. You may be surprised by how you feel.

 

The wounds people cause us may sometimes leave scars that won't fully go away but sometimes, they can go away, with a lot of internal work.

 

Focus on you

 

- Beach

Edited December 29, 2018 by Beachead