Seeking sympathetic emotional support/input on this break up/situation

[smellysocksuni]

I and someone in my uni class dated earlier this year. She initiated most of it, and was the first out of the two of us to express interest. It was very intense, with her making jokes about getting married, constant hanging out/messaging, etc.

 

One thing I did notice about her was that she was at times quite inconsistent. Sometimes, she'd just not reply and a couple of times would avoid/ignore me in the flesh at uni, despite us being in quite a small class. I never really got to the bottom of this, and never questioned it. It was often very confusing and awkward.

 

We then broke up for summer. The last day of term we were talking, she was being very flirty, very touch-feely, etc. I thought, OK, so perhaps we can begin hanging out again. I asked her three separate times whether she'd like to hang out with me - the first time, she agreed but then cancelled. The other two times (which were like two weeks apart) I was ignored completely.

 

I then gave up, and concentrated on my fitness goals. I was quite confused/hurt, and was convinced I'd done something wrong, but didn't know what. I didn't message her again, and had no real intention to.

 

Four months later, she messaged me apologising for disappearing, claiming that she had been too 'anxious' and that she wanted to be 'better' at communicating. I didn't quite believe the anxious part, as I'd seen her going on holiday with a mutual friend from uni, and so that didn't make sense; anxious about what? I'm not naive enough to believe that there wasn't/isn't someone else in the picture.

 

I did think that this might have meant she was ready to start hanging out again, but it hasn't happened that way.

 

When we returned to uni, she has been acting inconsistent again. Sometimes she is warm and bubbly, saying hello to me - other times she is cold and distant. It has now reached the point that she no longer acknowledges me, and that's a shame because we were actually friends, first and foremost.

 

I asked her if everything was cool, and that I wanted to clear things up after what had happened over the summer - she said that she'd like us to be friends again, and for things not to be weird. But they have been, and tbh she has made them weird by being awkward with me.

 

As the person who was ghosted, I feel it's a bit backwards for me to keep approaching her, so I haven't. I haven't spoken to her, or revealed anything about my feelings towards her - so I don't think it's that she thinks I'm acting creepy or anything. I've caught her staring at me a few times, but I don't know what to make of that.

 

I find it odd that she is doing this, as everything that's happened in this situation has been something she's instigated. I also don't understand why I'm being ignored most of the time. As we are in a small class, it's very awkward. We haven't spoken enough for anything to have happened.

 

I was not thinking about her at all until she got back in touch, and I'm feeling as if it may have been better for her to maintain her silence. I also don't know how to really 'move on' when I see her all the time, and this is proving more difficult than I thought it would be.

 

Why would someone do this? I've read that it could be either no interest, or that there is interest but I'm expected to chase her (which I'm not going to do)

 

I'm feeling quite frustrated at this, because of course I did like her and I'm finding that seeing her, knowing how well we get on and the fact that she doesn't seem to want to talk to me and the fact that I can't really approach her about this is very difficult; and the ghosting and now this - I'm finding her quite confusing.

 

Why would someone act like this?

 

(We're both female, so that's why I've written an essay, lol)

 

(I'm bracing myself for the harsh replies!)

Edited October 10, 2018 by smellysocksuni

[Art Anderson]

I think if there is anything to be called a relationship, you need to make a total reset with this person, like you barely know her.

By your account, she is treating you like a door mat, literally. She can come and go across your space. She can decide to tread carefully or drag her dirty boots over the threshold. You are getting zero respect.

 

i know enough people that are bi-polar or have life long disabilities that keep them down or in pain but they don't continue to treat people they care about like this. Maybe an outburst but then it's over, even if they won't/can't recall it and apologize.

 

If she needs help improving her behavior, she needs to work on that and you can't be the test subject. Be gone or be her friend only (I say that because I personally don't bail on people with problems but they can't abuse me like I do or don't matter at their whim).

[SouthernIslander]

College years is the best times that you can’t get back and it goes fast. Full of fun and single people.

 

Enjoy it and don’t waste it on someone who is flaky.

[smellysocksuni]

I think if there is anything to be called a relationship, you need to make a total reset with this person, like you barely know her.

 

By your account, she is treating you like a door mat, literally. She can come and go across your space. She can decide to tread carefully or drag her dirty boots over the threshold. You are getting zero respect.

 

i know enough people that are bi-polar or have life long disabilities that keep them down or in pain but they don't continue to treat people they care about like this. Maybe an outburst but then it's over, even if they won't/can't recall it and apologize.

 

If she needs help improving her behavior, she needs to work on that and you can't be the test subject. Be gone or be her friend only (I say that because I personally don't bail on people with problems but they can't abuse me like I do or don't matter at their whim).

 

May I ask what you mean by 'a total reset'?

 

I agree with you, I am getting zero respect in this situation. I am frustrated at myself for not walking away from this, and not feeling strong enough to do so. I saw her, a few days after I wrote this. We hung out for a good few hours, then went home. I then, stupidly, went to follow her on Instagram.

 

My reasoning was that we'd just hung out, we attend uni together, it's what people do, right? She didn't follow me back, and still hasn't. She follows people in the class that she doesn't even speak to, yet I haven't been followed. I am careful not to keep minimising and denying the reality of this action, as I often tend to do with the behaviour of others. She clearly doesn't regard me with enough value to even want to reciprocate a 'follow'.

 

To go back to your point about the lack of respect - she doesn't give much. I am giving a lot of myself (which of course I know she didn't ask me to do) but I am getting nothing back, here. Nothing. I get that she may not even be into me, and that's OK. But I still feel very hurt and confused.

[smellysocksuni]

I am really struggling with feelings of being into someone who I don’t think feels the same.

 

There was a point in which she expressed liking me – I understand that she may just not feel like that, anymore. I don’t think I would struggle in this way if I didn’t have to see her three times a week.

 

We dated very briefly, and we got on amazingly well. Even she commented on just how well we got on. Then she started going distant and disappeared – once we broke up for our summer holiday, I invited her out a couple of times and she never responded. I just left it, didn’t expect her to get back in touch.

 

Four months (!) later, she messaged me saying how sorry she was for disappearing, that she had anxiety and that’s why she went quiet. I have my own reasons for not really believing this – she was very active with other friends and that leads me to wonder.

 

Anyway. It’s been very difficult. I made progress (I thought) in moving forward from this, but once she came back, I felt everything again. I have no idea what her feelings are towards me or whether there even are any.

 

I feel as if this is beginning to get me down; I don’t know if I should tell her how I feel. The reason I haven’t so far is because she was the one who ghosted me and that is something I still feel funny about.

 

I’ve asked her to hang out once, she said she was busy. I’m hesitant to ask again. The last time I saw her she was back to ‘normal’ – very engaged in conversation with me, etc.

 

I am struggling with these feelings and I feel as if I want things to come to some sort of conclusion. I’m wary of saying anything to her because we have to see each other three times a week and this is all weird enough with the added awkwardness of me having ‘confessed’ my feelings.

 

I’m also friends with her friend at the uni; this friend always comes up to me to talk and so, the girl is always with her. It’s quite a small, close-knit type class.

 

Also, her behaviour is very inconsistent in general. She will literally avoid me/act cold at times, other times she is very warm and bubbly with me. It’s as if I have to guess how she’ll be with me that week, rather than a consistent pattern of behaviour. I followed her on Instagram, and she didn’t follow me back. I only did that because we’d just hung out, but oddly, that’s offended me and I think my feelings are just getting a bit much.

 

I don’t know how to ‘closure’ this situation. I just want to know how she feels; even if she only views me as a friend, fine, I can work on moving forward emotionally.

 

I don’t know what to do, here. I feel very confused.

[lurker74]

She is immature. And she is using you. I don't know the dynamics of being gay and that might add confusion for her but it's more than that, it's a push pull relationship. When you're interested, she pushes you away and when you're distant she pulls you back. And it works... Even though she has treated you badly you are on a forum asking what it is that happened and what it is that you did wrong. About the only thing I can say that I think you did wrong is let her control the relationship so much. If you're interested in somebody it is perfectly acceptable to show that interest and ask if the interest is returned but when that person shows inconsistency they are showing a level of disdain for you as a person and when you allow that to continue you are weakening yourself both in your eyes and in hers. And once you are weak in her eyes she'll continue to do the push-pull. Not because she's a bad person but because subconsciously many human beings play this game without even knowing it.

 

Don't chase her, if she becomes friendly and bubbly again remain polite but distant, and find somebody who truly values being with you.

[ExpatInItaly]

Honestly? She probably resurfaces in your life when the guy she's interested in isn't giving her enough attention.

 

Then when he is, she backs way off from you. She keeps you at a distance unless it otherwise suits her to pull you back in. This sort of behaviour is typical from someone who doesn't want to quite let go of their Plan B (you, in this case) unless and until Plan A is a sure bet.

 

That's my theory, anyway. Whatever the case might be, she is not a serious prospect and she is not very mature, either.

[smellysocksuni]

She is immature. And she is using you. I don't know the dynamics of being gay and that might add confusion for her but it's more than that, it's a push pull relationship. When you're interested, she pushes you away and when you're distant she pulls you back. And it works... Even though she has treated you badly you are on a forum asking what it is that happened and what it is that you did wrong. About the only thing I can say that I think you did wrong is let her control the relationship so much. If you're interested in somebody it is perfectly acceptable to show that interest and ask if the interest is returned but when that person shows inconsistency they are showing a level of disdain for you as a person and when you allow that to continue you are weakening yourself both in your eyes and in hers. And once you are weak in her eyes she'll continue to do the push-pull. Not because she's a bad person but because subconsciously many human beings play this game without even knowing it.

 

Don't chase her, if she becomes friendly and bubbly again remain polite but distant, and find somebody who truly values being with you.

 

She has previously expressed that she's never been with a woman before, and is scared of doing so because of.. well, she said she doesn't know what involves. She also mentioned that her family are liberal, but that she thinks being involved with a woman may cause issues for them. So it is not usually like this with the same sex dynamics I've been involved in, but maybe it's an issue here.

 

I agree. I can feel that I am becoming 'weaker' - I also agree that I've allowed too much control, and that upsets me, too. I gave the benefit of the doubt and she has just done the same thing. I also believe that she only came back after four months because she realised that I wasn't interested (or it appeared so, as I'd stopped contacting her) and literally the week after her messaging me, she was ignoring me in the flesh (and denying that she was doing so, despite it being very clear that she was).

 

I can't really disagree with what you're saying. I think you're spot on.

[smackie9]

It's obvious she enjoys the flirting, etc, because it's fun. It's university....most people date but keep their options open. It's a time of exploration, and having experiences. Emotionally you are going to have to detach yourself if you are going to survive. Can't let this eat at you because someone doesn't want the same as you. It's a learning curve we all have gone through. The lesson today is about "letting go"

[smellysocksuni]

It's obvious she enjoys the flirting, etc, because it's fun. It's university....most people date but keep their options open. It's a time of exploration, and having experiences. Emotionally you are going to have to detach yourself if you are going to survive. Can't let this eat at you because someone doesn't want the same as you. It's a learning curve we all have gone through. The lesson today is about "letting go"

 

The flirting is fun, I agree. What isn't fun is when she ignores me, avoids me, acts inconsistent. Can't you flirt and be consistent? Maybe we do want different things, but more than anything it's the disappearing/reappearing, inconsistent, sometimes rude, difficult to understand behaviour.

[ExpatInItaly]

The flirting is fun, I agree. What isn't fun is when she ignores me, avoids me, acts inconsistent. Can't you flirt and be consistent? Maybe we do want different things, but more than anything it's the disappearing/reappearing, inconsistent, sometimes rude, difficult to understand behaviour.

 

Why would you want that from someone who doesn't want to date you anymore, though?

[smackie9]

The flirting is fun, I agree. What isn't fun is when she ignores me, avoids me, acts inconsistent. Can't you flirt and be consistent? Maybe we do want different things, but more than anything it's the disappearing/reappearing, inconsistent, sometimes rude, difficult to understand behaviour.

Hot/cold people feel very insecure about emotional attachment. When things seem too serious they run away. Then when the anxiety subsides the come back again. It's a vicious cycle you have no control over. The majority of psychologists recommend you run the other way.

 

 

 

Note: about people who suffer from anxiety/insecurity: they are mistaken as being rude, and a disconnect type of behavior. It's how they deal with it.

[smellysocksuni]

Why would you want that from someone who doesn't want to date you anymore, though?

 

No, I'm saying that even if someone enjoys flirting, what's wrong with just being consistent about it - in general, not with my situation.

[smackie9]

No, I'm saying that even if someone enjoys flirting, what's wrong with just being consistent about it - in general, not with my situation.

There's nothing wrong with it. BUT people who are constant are usually doing it to show their interest and are confident about their interest.

[smellysocksuni]

There's nothing wrong with it. BUT people who are constant are usually doing it to show their interest and are confident about their interest.

 

Yeah, so she's either not interested or not confident about the interest. I think that's what you mean...?

 

It's a shame, really. It's always overwhelmingly negative when I ask friends about her or whatever. I feel frustrated that I like someone who is like this.

[smackie9]

Yeah, so she's either not interested or not confident about the interest. I think that's what you mean...?

 

It's a shame, really. It's always overwhelmingly negative when I ask friends about her or whatever. I feel frustrated that I like someone who is like this.

Why this happen? because it human nature to desire more what we can't have....it's a b&^%$

[smellysocksuni]

I went through the same process as you. Liked a girl and wondered if she felt the same way. From what you said, she doesn't seem to like you the same way you like her. You are mentally conscious of this but not emotionally. You still have hopes that she feels the same way. You feel like confessing because you think there is a slim chance she will correspond those feelings.

 

You can proceed in two different ways but both end up with the same result:

1) Ask her (even when you already know the answer) what does she think about you and then go cold turkey, no contact with her.

2)Save yourself some pain (Not having to read/listen the old "I want you as a friend") and go cold turkey with her without asking her or confessing your love.

 

Best of luck

 

I think I'd be more likely to proceed with the 'confession' if we didn't go to uni together and have to see each other all the time. I know that she probably won't talk to me afterwards, and that will be quite difficult for me, having to see her walk around, seemingly not being affected by things.

 

What you've said is true, I KNOW she's probably not interested, but emotionally I hope, yeah. The confessing - of course, when you think about it. That's the main reason I'd want to do it, in the hope that she suddenly reveals she's into me. Of course, it really doesn't appear that way based on her actions.

[smellysocksuni]

Why this happen? because it human nature to desire more what we can't have....it's a b&^%$

 

It really is. I'll leave it a few days then just unfollow her. Not really helpful to keep seeing her face pop up on my feed

[smellysocksuni]

I know I've already received some (helpful) advice, but each time uni rolls around, I begin to feel quite anxious about going in, and sometimes consider not even doing so. It's a no-win situation. She'll either not speak to me which then makes me feel bad, or she'll be warm and bubbly with me again, which makes me feel bad because, well, I like her and I have to hide how I feel.

 

I wish my feelings on this person would just disappear completely, because I do find this quite stressful/irritating/difficult.

[ExpatInItaly]

I wish my feelings on this person would just disappear completely, because I do find this quite stressful/irritating/difficult.

 

And they will, with time. You have to be consistent in your efforts to keep your distance from her, but slowly you will lose attraction to her.

[smellysocksuni]

Hi,

 

I posted before about this person back in October, my original story is here:https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/666480-i-can-t-understand-behaviour-hoping-some-insight

 

We began dating shortly after that all happened. She was insistent from the beginning that it was never going to be a relationship, and, at the time I didn't have any really strong feelings so I was able to manage the concept. We began spending a LOT of time together - at uni, outside of uni, and she would often come to my house and stay for three/four days. We'd message every single day, constantly. In all honesty, it began to feel very much like a relationship.

 

There was a lot of talk about things between us feeling "natural", as if we'd known each other for years, she'd use phrases such as "twin flame" and talk about how many connections we had and how odd it was that we'd never seen each other before, how much we had in common, etc.

 

Every so often, she would withdraw from me. It was often after we'd spent time together. When I asked why she was doing this, she'd give me the 'speech' about how it was never going to be a relationship, it's only supposed to be casual, etc. I never pressed her for a relationship, and I was unsure why she kept telling me it wasn't going to be one in such an adamant way. Then, it would go back to 'normal' and we'd get quite close again. And the cycle would continue, with her eventually pulling away, again.

 

She began to exhibit irrational anger/tantrums at minor things I would do/say. I remember on one occasion being highly exhausted from being at uni all week, and being with her and her sister and the sister's boyfriend. At one point, the boyfriend took out a sort of gaming device, so I took out my phone briefly, thinking it was OK to do so. Anyway, once her and I got off the train and left the pair of them, she began chastising me - told me I had been rude, that I didn't know her sister/boyfriend well enough to be as relaxed as that, that I could have said this/that at certain points in the conversation, that I might as well just go home if I'm in a bad mood. I wasn't in a bad mood, and this was confusing as hell.

 

She once took me to meet her family, and I was invited for Christmas dinner. When the I was invited, I could tell that she wasn't happy about it and she began jokingly making awkward faces - I don't think she was ready for that to have happened, and I had a feeling at the time that it wouldn't happen, for whatever reason.

 

We had another argument in which she accused me of lying about the time it had taken me to get home - I hadn't lied. This turned into a three-day anger interrogation, in which everything I said was twisted and I was told I couldn't be trusted, etc.

 

She went distant (which coincided with the breaking up of uni for Christmas) and we didn't really see each other much that week, as classes weren't compulsory. I ended up asking her what was going on, and she told me she didn't want to continue with me, as it was making her feel anxious to be involved with someone and that she wanted to be friends.

 

This conversation was via WhatsApp. I replied to that message with "could we talk about this?" and she instantly became angry - "I've just told you what I want and how I want things to go" and "You're ignoring everything I'm saying, this is so frustrating".

 

(I'd like to state that she used those exact same words and tone with me before when we dated briefly and she ended things, telling me that I wouldn't be able to change her mind. She returned a few months later, which is where we began spending time together)

 

The next morning, I sent one message, asking if we could talk. I thought she may have calmed down. She hadn't.

 

I respect that people make decisions, and that we cannot force people to change their minds. I wanted to talk to her because I wanted to a) understand what exactly was causing her anxiety and b) wanted to see if there was any way we could work things out. I approached her in a calm way on both occasions, and wasn't sure why she was so angry, although she'd been angry at me like that throughout our 'relationship'.

 

Anyway, she continued to be be angry. I told her that I thought she was being quite insensitive, and she then blocked me everywhere, telling me that I was being blocked because I was "throwing out insults" at her.

 

Five days after this, I contacted her through email. I didn't plead or beg. I simply said in a very short message that perhaps we should sort things out as things will be awkward at uni - which is something we'd discussed before, things not working out and how we'd deal with them. She replied angrily, telling me to stop harassing her. I told her then, that I felt she'd really disrespected me - not only in this situation, but throughout the relationship, with the inconsistencies and the controlling behaviours, and that I thought she lacked emotional sensitivity, and that she had hurt me.

 

She told me that I knew who she was from the outset, and that I shouldn't have gotten involved with someone who I knew was going to hurt me, and that she was never going to change, no matter what anyone said to her.

 

This conversation went on, and she backed down and appeared to become upset that I thought she was a horrible person (despite admitting to being one). I told her that I would have liked us to be friends, and that it's fun hanging with her at uni and that I'd like to sort it out.

 

She said she needs time, and that we'll deal with the uni situation "when we need to".

 

I then just left it and didn't respond to that. The anger from her wasn't only present in this situation, it seemed to begin from the incident with the text message, and I realised that it was just going to be like that with her, no matter the situation.

 

I am not suggesting that I am perfect, but I am struggling with a lot of negative emotions and feelings. I of course miss her, and I am aware that it may be that she has met someone else, or that she simply doesn't like me anymore.

 

I've struggled to find sympathetic advice and I think I'd just like to try and understand her behaviour - I find that the sudden argument just before Christmas may have been engineered on purpose so that I wasn't able to come to her house? I think that may have been too 'real' for her, so she cut it off. I knew at the time in my gut that something would have stopped me from going there, and I felt that she'd do something like this. I don't really know if that's the reason, but it certainly ties in with her past behaviours.

 

I am worried about going back to uni, as I don't know how things will be, because of her past inconsistent treatment of talking to me/not talking to me. I of course miss her, and I am upset that everything we seemed to have shared has just gone, and confused as to her intense anger at me. I also feel as if the prospect of seeing her is hindering my moving on process.

 

(Please note that we're both female)

Edited December 28, 2018 by smellysocksuni

[smellysocksuni]

I also feel as if, while she offered me the 'choice' of being friends, there was no space or freedom for me to even talk to her about how I felt. The use of the phrase "I've told you how I want things to go" made me feel as if I was expected to be friends, straight away.

 

I did not message her excessively, and I didn't plead or beg. I was calmly asking, once or twice, if we could talk on the phone or meet up. Her anger was rising and rising with each reply she sent me, and I felt quite upset at that alone. It felt very much as if she had decided how everything was going to go, and the fact that I wanted to express my feelings or talk was getting in her way.

 

I feel as if, while it may have been annoying or not ideal that I wanted to speak, but I felt that the disproportionate anger and subsequent blocking - as if it had been weeks of me pestering her, and not one conversation - was not really needed. I now feel intense self-blame - if I'd have just gone against my own feelings and agreed to be friends with her then and there, she wouldn't have blocked me, and I wouldn't be in this situation.

 

Her intense anger had always been present, as I'd said. She never wanted to discuss my feelings while we were actually seeing each other, once referring to me expressing myself as "annoying", despite me always taking the time to listen to her worries and concerns.

 

Who knows, anyway. Perhaps I AM in the wrong. I have no idea.

 

I really hope that I receive some insight into this, as I can't shake this feeling of self-blame and I also just feel so depressed and low that yet another relationship hasn't worked out, and I am beginning to feel as if it will never happen for me.

[nolanola]

There is another thread on here somewhere about emotionally unavailable people -- your ex to me seems to be emotionally unavailable. If she doesn't want a relationship and you do, you guys might just be incompatible. And she seems kind of immature too. Unfortunately it doesn't seem she wants to talk to you right now, which sucks for you. I know you'd like to have some resolution or something so you can feel peace or not worry about how things will be when you go back to school. Unfortunately a lot of times we have to make peace by ourselves.

 

I know you care about her, but I think you are going to have to let her be for a while.

[smellysocksuni]

There is another thread on here somewhere about emotionally unavailable people -- your ex to me seems to be emotionally unavailable. If she doesn't want a relationship and you do, you guys might just be incompatible. And she seems kind of immature too. Unfortunately it doesn't seem she wants to talk to you right now, which sucks for you. I know you'd like to have some resolution or something so you can feel peace or not worry about how things will be when you go back to school. Unfortunately a lot of times we have to make peace by ourselves.

 

I know you care about her, but I think you are going to have to let her be for a while.

 

Hey, thank you for replying. I really appreciate it.

 

I think, I wasn't really trying to push for a relationship, but it was beginning to feel very much like one and she would act in ways that suggested she was moving forwards with it. She would say things such as "I was fighting my feelings for you, but I'm not now" - I would always tell myself that these things didn't mean anything, but I guess my feelings just grew, even though I knew the situation.

 

I'll take a look at the emotionally unavailable thing if I can find it. I do wish there was a resolution because our classes are very small, and it's causing me a lot of anxiety wondering how things will be. As my friend tells me, time will pass and we will eventually see how things pan out, I guess.

 

I was thinking about contacting her just before uni starts, maybe. I don't know. I don't know why, or what I'd say. I am really trying to find my own peace in this situation, but I feel quite "cut off", in a way.

 

I agree that she is emotionally unavailable. She is deeply emotionally unavailable. It's a shame.

[nolanola]

I wish I had some good advice for you about how to approach things at uni. When do you go back? I'm not very good in those situations either. I wind up trying so hard to be "natural" and "over it" that I think I probably go too far. Do you have other friends in your classes? I would let one or two of them that you trust know the situation and try to lean on them a bit in the beginning. When you're in class, try to focus on talking to those people and be polite but distant with your ex. You certainly don't owe her anything as far as being polite and you could ignore her, but I think that will only make you feel worse.

One thing that my therapist told me might help you. My ex and I will likely see each other in the spring when we will be traveling together for a week and I have a ton of anxiety about it, even though it's about 4 months from now. When I told my therapist, she said that if I'm anxious, my ex is probably just as anxious, if not more so, because he was the one that was a jerk. So it might help some to think that she might be feeling uneasy about seeing you as well.