Seeking sympathetic emotional support/input on this break up/situation

[smellysocksuni]

I wish I had some good advice for you about how to approach things at uni. When do you go back? I'm not very good in those situations either. I wind up trying so hard to be "natural" and "over it" that I think I probably go too far. Do you have other friends in your classes? I would let one or two of them that you trust know the situation and try to lean on them a bit in the beginning. When you're in class, try to focus on talking to those people and be polite but distant with your ex. You certainly don't owe her anything as far as being polite and you could ignore her, but I think that will only make you feel worse.

 

One thing that my therapist told me might help you. My ex and I will likely see each other in the spring when we will be traveling together for a week and I have a ton of anxiety about it, even though it's about 4 months from now. When I told my therapist, she said that if I'm anxious, my ex is probably just as anxious, if not more so, because he was the one that was a jerk. So it might help some to think that she might be feeling uneasy about seeing you as well.

 

I have one other friend who she's friends with, annoyingly. I think they've drifted apart, though - it wouldn't surprise me if she suddenly ramped up the friendship again, though. I've spoken to the friend and she has said if things become too awkward she'll be there, whatever. Which is nice, I guess.

 

I think she'll ignore me, if anything. She has a habit of doing that - I think she just avoids a lot of things. That will be quite difficult to deal with, but hey. I also think she may just slip back into normality, which she's done before. It's literally a case of I have NO idea what she'll do.

 

Your therapist is right, though. I didn't create this situation, and it's not me who has to feel awkward or strange.

[smellysocksuni]

It's been around four days since we last spoke, and I suppose I'm struggling. I do want to contact her and talk, and see if we are able to salvage a friendship, but I realise that my motives behind that may not be actually wanting to be friends but to just be in contact with her.

 

I'm worried that she'll never speak to me again - despite her saying that we'd be in contact before uni begins, I can't help but feel that the blocking is going on a bit long, now. I feel as if she is either still upset at me telling her how she'd hurt me and calling her selfish, etc (which she expressed being upset at and needing time to process it all) or what. I'm aware that it may just be that she doesn't want me in her life at all, or knows that being blocked bothers me and wants some sort of control over me?

 

I also feel as if this relationship had turned abusive, and that I am experiencing a form of trauma bonding. She has always been inconsistent with me, and it would be no surprise for her to return and to act totally normal with me, as she has done that once before - in a university holiday she ignored me flat out, then messaged me right before we were due to go back.

 

The fact that that has happened before is almost hindering my view of this situation, and causing me a lot of anxiety and worry, and I honestly am having trouble thinking of anything else. I feel very alone in this and as if no-one really understands what I'm going through.

[smellysocksuni]

Emotionally, this is incredibly difficult. All of the conflicting things I have found out about BPD, her pattern of disappearing/coming back, the intensity of the time we shared, the confusion at how she turned this all into her being the victim, the self-blame, the guilt, the rumination and worry about Jan, when I’m going to see her, and most of all the missing her.

 

It’s all so so difficult, and I feel like I’m alone in going through all of this. I stopped posting for a while because the things people were saying Started to make me feel anxious, so took a break. But this is my only outlet, and I have no one else to talk to. When I see her it will kill me - she doesn’t want to be with me, and I feel as strongly as ever. I hate this.

 

I just want to run away and disappear, I can’t stand these feelings and there doesn’t seem to be a way out. I fell for her and she doesn’t even seem to care.

[guest569]

I think that some behaviour we will never understood, and if you keep trying to analyse her it’s going to make things harder and still leave a lot of unknowns. Throughout this thread it just seems like she was not as interested as you were/are. She’s not treating you right and never has. Does it really matter if she was briefly nice and it briefly appeared to be a sort of almost relationship? When she turns around the next day and goes cold? She said it won’t be a relationship, believe her and start to let go. Chuck the smelly socks into the laundry and start a fresh new year. Develop some more strength, pride, self respect. Don’t put up with being treated like this! Picture a time in your life where you felt the most strength and power. find the key to that, and when you’re back at Uni, completely ignore her and avoid her as much as you can. Go no contact even if it’s tricky. It will help you. She has treated you like crap for a long time and enough is enough. You deserve better, from someone better. Not what you want to hear but you need to start moving in that direction. That’s how you get closure. What is the alternative?

 

My friend in 1st grade used to do this to me and I would just cry for hours and hours. Another friend in 4th grade did this once and never again cause I kicked her to the curb. I just can’t deal with hot and cold, immature, passive aggressive and bitchy behaviour??

Edited January 1, 2019 by smiley1

[smellysocksuni]

(We're both female)

Today was the first day we went back to university after the winter break, and she ignored and avoided not only me, but pretty much everyone in class. When I got home, I decided to email her. I told her that it felt quite awkward and difficult to have to avoid each other at such an extreme, and would we be able to become friends, or try and sort things out, maybe. She replied, telling me that the break up had hurt her and that she needs time before we can try and be friends.

 

We then spoke about our connection, and I was surprised to hear her say that it was a shame things ended like that, as we had a great connection. She doesn't usually speak about things like that, and is often blunt.

 

I suppose, the main thing is that, during the three weeks off, I was able to emotionally detach slightly, as I wasn't seeing her anywhere. However, today, after seeing her, I felt everything again. I am not suggesting that I try and get her back, or force her to talk to me.

 

I struggle with the advice of 'move on!' - for me, I am unable to just switch what I'm feeling off, and the class is so small, and I am bound to bump into her every single day, and it feels harder than it needs to be. I have thought about trying to date again, but, aside from this situation, I don't actually want to date anyone. This just happened, and I wasn't choosing to be involved with anyone.

 

I don't know if, now that we've spoken more, she'll perhaps gradually begin to engage with me in person. I don't know. What this did do is just reignite all the feelings. I don't really know how to handle the feelings I'm feeling - of wanting to be around her, speak to her, just for us to be close again. I feel as if I'm just going to have to let the feelings stay, because I've tried a lot to get rid of them, and they haven't gone.

 

Has anyone been in anything similar to this, before? I really need help, lol

[ExpatInItaly]

You need to let her go, for good.

 

Maybe you can friends someday, but it won't be for a while. She was never as into you as you were into her, unfortunately, and she seems immature and petty. I am guessing you are both still quite young? She in particular appears to have a lot of maturing to do.

 

When you see her in class, be civil. But stop reaching out. Don't worry about trying to be friends at this point. You haven't lost your feelings for her yet because it's only been a few weeks since this all happened. You're going to need much more time than that for you to feel relative indifference towards her again.

 

Next time, when someone tells you they don't want a relationship with you, believe them. Stay away, don't pursue anything and don't respond to attempts to engage you in something causal if that's not what you want.

[Morello]

I think you need to call it what it is. She has clear narcissistic traits and her behaviour has been abusive and manipulative. You, on the other hand, seems to have some sort of abandonment trauma that keeps you from letting go people who are treating you very badly and disrespectfully.

 

The very reason you feel so attached to her (along with your potential anxious attachment style, google it) is exactly because of the hot/cold push/pull treatment, that keeps your self-esteem shattered and make you feel inadequate, while she appears as a confident and independent person that can easily ignore someone she claimed to like a lot before.

 

I have experienced something very similar to you, although in a straight relationship. The same manipulation tactics of ignoring, just to come back months later as if nothing happened. People like her will never say sorry, no matter how much they hurt you. They will never acknowledge their role in hurting people. They are just not made for normal and secure relationships. They are emotionally unavailable.

 

While you must be feeling inadequate, I guess you need to consider that she's the one that has very big issues to deal with, probably arising from her past. You probably could benefit from some therapy too, to understand why you let someone disrespect you and treat you like a doormat while you insist on keeping a friendship and wanting to be the good girl with her all the time.

 

I hope I was not too blunt. I experienced it similarly and it took me a while to see things clearly and understand the person I was engaging with and, more importantly, understand why I was still keen on participating in such an abusive relationship. I hope this experience will open your eyes for some things you might need to work on to get some of your self-respect and self-worth back.

 

I think you should try very hard to keep no contact with this person. Every time you attempt to contact or to do anything to 'clear the air' or to 'keep a friendship' with someone like her, who treats you like crap most of the time, will keep damaging your self-esteem.

 

No contact will not only show her that you're regaining your self-respect but, more importantly, it will show it to yourself. Everyday you maintain your dignity and avoid her and ignore her back will be an extra point to your self-image and slowly you will get back to your olf confident self.

[smellysocksuni]

Hi Morello, thank you for such a detailed response.

 

I realise that she has several traits which are concurrent with those of a PD, and that she can be incredibly manipulative. Since I have known her, even from being 'friends', she was deeply inconsistent - often not responding to messages, reappearing, disappearing.

 

Yes, it is this behaviour which not only causes my attachment to her, but that is also making it difficult to begin to try to let go and accept anything she says/does as final, if that makes sense.

 

I am unsure what my abandonment trauma is stemming from. I think it may be the sudden and unexpected death of my mother when I was 23; before she died, I don't remember experiencing these feelings of difficulty in letting go of people who treat me badly. In fact, the people I date are progressively getting 'worse' in terms of the treatment I'm receiving. I am able to see that.

 

She seems very hung up on me addressing her abusive behaviours, or my assertiveness with her when she ended it and was being very rude and unfair, and WHY I ended up speaking to her like that, and not the ways in which she was treating me then and throughout, and is somehow now the victim in all of this, despite issuing more treatment which is causing me pain.

 

She doesn't seem to intend on apologising, and if what I have read and what people are saying is true, will probably try and re-enter my life at some point. I am trying to force myself to accept that this won't happen, as hope and waiting is becoming quite difficult and unhealthy.

[brent878]

{snip} I think you should try very hard to keep no contact with this person. Every time you attempt to contact or to do anything to 'clear the air' or to 'keep a friendship' with someone like her, who treats you like crap most of the time, will keep damaging your self-esteem.

 

No contact will not only show her that you're regaining your self-respect but, more importantly, it will show it to yourself. Everyday you maintain your dignity and avoid her and ignore her back will be an extra point to your self-image and slowly you will get back to your olf confident self.

 

This is a really good post. Human behaviour is fascinating. Wanting what we cannot have is such a silly and stupid thing, it really is almost child-like. playing with a ball that you discard, suddenly picked up by another child, and now you want it again. I have been involved with women who I pined after precisely because of the fact that they were emotionally unavailable, distant, unresponsive, aloof. You want to finally get them.

 

I have also been involved with women who were TEN TIMES better partners than those above but who made it very clear they wanted me at all times. Very sweet. responsive. affectionate. blew up my phone. But I didn't want them because it wasn't challenging.

 

I can unequivocally say, this has been one of the biggest regrets of my life. Pursuing unavailable or disinterested people has been such a waste of of my time and mental energy and effort. It is a reflection of my low self worth, not their high value. People like that will never know true happiness or feel genuinely in love. It's kind of sad.

Edited January 18, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[smellysocksuni]

This is a really good post. Human behaviour is fascinating. Wanting what we cannot have is such a silly and stupid thing, it really is almost child-like. playing with a ball that you discard, suddenly picked up by another child, and now you want it again. I have been involved with women who I pined after precisely because of the fact that they were emotionally unavailable, distant, unresponsive, aloof. You want to finally get them.

 

I have also been involved with women who were TEN TIMES better partners than those above but who made it very clear they wanted me at all times. Very sweet. responsive. affectionate. blew up my phone. But I didn't want them because it wasn't challenging.

 

I can unequivocally say, this has been one of the biggest regrets of my life. Pursuing unavailable or disinterested people has been such a waste of of my time and mental energy and effort. It is a reflection of my low self worth, not their high value. People like that will never know true happiness or feel genuinely in love. It's kind of sad.

 

Yes. There is a girl in my class who wanted to date me, before. She would contact me all the time, talk to me all the time, wanted to be with me, and I was extremely rude to her and began to find her annoying. I wanted nothing to do with her. She would have been a lovely partner, but yes, it was just not challenging enough.

 

That is true about the 'high value' part. The particular person I am interested in isn't really that 'good', if we are to be truly honest. She doesn't work, she stays at home all day, doesn't have much ambition, cannot stick to anything, has a slightly strange way of dressing, is quite childish and immature in many ways, very impulsive and has odd ideas - yet I had convinced myself that I'd somehow snared someone amazing. That I'd somehow achieved something by being with her, and that I was the envy of people everywhere, because LOOK! She chose ME! When in reality, she isn't that special, and most people ignore her, and she only gets attention from co-dependent, low self-esteem, unattractive men (I probably fit that description, too!)

 

It really is fascinating.

[smellysocksuni]

Well, I hadn't wanted to return to this thread, but here I am.

 

After my last few posts, we became involved again. We ended up being put in the same group at uni, and started gradually talking again. Ended up dating again. Things had been seemingly going well until a couple of weeks ago.

 

She broke up with me for the second time a couple of weeks ago. This break up came immediately after she became angry with me at her sister's house for my mood being 'bad' (I was just more quiet than usual), shouted at me in front of her sister and sister's boyfriend, then told me to leave because I was making her angrier (I was sitting on the sofa, not saying anything, at this point). I was then sent a message in which she broke up with me.

 

She then told me to give her a few days to calm down, so I didn't contact her for a week. After a week, I messaged her, asking her how she was feeling - she responded with "I told you not to message me". I mean, she had said that, but she said a few days, which was what I had given her.

 

I then saw her at university, when she came in and sat next to me. I thought then, things must be OK, because the last time she broke up with me and came into university, she didn't sit with me. She spoke to me as normal that day, until the last lesson in which she suddenly sat somewhere else. When that lesson finished, she got up and walked out very quickly. I tried to catch up with her and ask if she wanted to go for a coffee - she was very blunt and rude, didn't look at me, and said no.

 

I then said that I was a bit confused because she'd been OK with me all day. Again, didn't look at me and just said "you're not listening to a word I'm saying, I said no". At that point I just walked away.

 

Couple of hours later she messaged me and said "I just want to be uni friends. Not a difficult concept to understand. I don't want to discuss this again". I expressed that I just wanted to clear the air about what had happened at the sister's, and she said that "my feelings have changed. that whole situation has put me off the whole idea. I am no longer interested and have no desire to continue things the way they were". I can't remember what else was said in this conversation.

 

I tried to be friends for the next couple of days, but I found it a bit difficult. I messaged her with the intention of just telling her how I felt about the situation, that there were no hard feelings, but that I couldn't really be friends right now. Before I could really say what I was going to say, she became very angry, repeatedly telling me that she didn't want to know about my feelings, swearing, writing in capital letters, and telling me we couldn't be friends now.

 

She called me when I got home and we had a long conversation about all of this. It turned into her listing lots of things that she felt was wrong with me, in a way that I was at first defending myself, but then I was just reduced to saying "oh, ok" and "yeah" intermittently. She then got angry at those responses, saying that I was uninterested and rude. I explained that I was finding it difficult to want to be interested in being attacked, and that I felt very attacked at this point. She just kept saying "good. good".

 

She then started talking about the incident at the sister's house, and got very angry, and hung up. She then messaged me, telling me she was about to block me. Blocked me.

 

I did then send her an email telling her that I thought she was really abusive, and how she had really hurt me and affected so many things in my life.

 

The next morning she messaged me telling me that she had unblocked me, and that she didn't want to talk to me until Tuesday (at uni) when we could forget about all this **** and just start again.

 

On Tuesday, she came in and sat next to me. I tried to talk to her about something non-serious, I mentioned the work or something, and she just said "yeah" really dismissively and didn't look at me. Didn't speak to me all day.

 

The same thing happened the next day. Sat next to me, didn't speak to me.

 

I messaged her on the way home and just said that I'd really like to be friends, but I'm unsure what's going on as you said we could start again, but we haven't really spoken much, and I'd really like us to move forwards from everything. She didn't respond.

 

I feel as if this situation has at times made me quite anxious, and this isn't the first time she has broken up with me so perhaps I have been hoping that this isn't final as it wasn't the first time. But it does feel very real, at this stage, and I am finding it difficult. Our relationship was very intense at the beginning and she was beginning to get very close to me until the event at the sister's which took me by complete surprise. She had in fact been closer to me than she's ever been. Then, all of a sudden, this argument took place.

 

I don't really know what to do. In the past she has calmed down over a few weeks, when we haven't had to see each other. I don't know if this is a final break up or if she is just still angry from everything that has been going on. I don't really know what to do. I am finding it hard to move on, especially as we are in the same class and she appears to be acting very happy and carefree, when before she wasn't really like that in class. I feel as if I don't exist to her, and it's really difficult.

[assertives]

I cannot imagine what a life with a person like that would be. You need to be honest with yourself if this is crazy behavior is what you want to deal with in life. Whatever treatment you are getting from her now is here to stay and is only going to get worse. I'm sorry, but this girl is just crazy. Forget about "being friends", how about just be classmates and leave it at that. A person like that is draining even to be friends with and probably doesn't know to make friends.

Edited March 15, 2019 by assertives

[smellysocksuni]

I feel as if I won’t be able to get over this. I feel such strong intense ‘trauma bonding’ to this person, and I don’t have any access to any therapy, or any supportive friends or family. I have nowhere to go and stay for respite, such as a friend’s house or something like that. I am pretty much all alone, and I feel even more alone now that this person doesn’t want to be involved with me, anymore.

 

Every day I feel an intense urge to speak to her, and I am overwhelmed with anxiety and I’ve developed restless legs, constantly shaking and feeling tense, thinking about what to say to her. I don’t contact her because I’m scared of the pain that no response/insults/blocking will cause me, but at the same time, I just want her back and I want to feel that feeling of it just being us two again.

 

I can’t understand, no matter how many times I read about it, how she can not be feeling anything for me, and is quite content to be not in contact with me, not speak to me at university, not care? I feel invisible and worthless. I am hurting so much that I just can’t see a way out of this pain, and I have even had slightly suicidal thoughts.

 

I feel as if I am at my lowest, and I don’t know what the hell I am supposed to do to feel any better.

[assertives]

I know it may not seem like it, but you will definitely get over this. Take things one step at a time, start by getting yourself busy, take up a new hobby, learn a new language, participate in interest groups like a running club, cycling club, etc. Volunteer at a hospital or animal shelter, etc. Go out there and make friends and keep yourself busy. These activities not only take your mind of thinking of her but can also enrich your life.

 

Another thing you can also try is to spend some time with yourself. Go cafe hopping, people watching, hiking, watch a movie alone. It can be quite enriching. Lastly, as others have already previously advised you, you need to cut her off. Go NC and FORGET ABOUT BEING FRIENDS. Just leave it as classmates. Everytime you think about ignoring the advice and contacting her or getting back together, remind yourself how unfulfilling the call/message/contact ended up being and the pain and the crazy behavior that accompanied that.

 

It won't be easy, but remember, you only need to take one step at a time.

[mark clemson]

I don’t have any access to any therapy, or any supportive friends or family. I have nowhere to go and stay for respite, such as a friend’s house or something like that. I am pretty much all alone, and I feel even more alone now

 

I am overwhelmed with anxiety and I’ve developed restless legs, constantly shaking and feeling tense,

 

I feel invisible and worthless. I am hurting so much that I just can’t see a way out of this pain, and I have even had slightly suicidal thoughts.

 

I feel as if I am at my lowest, and I don’t know what the hell I am supposed to do to feel any better.

 

 

If you are experiencing this much distress I think it's imperative that you get some help. You can ask about resources such as Help Lines and Crisis Hotlines at your university's offices, possibly they have some in-person counseling resources available to you also.

 

You can also search for crisis phone lines online + there is a suicide hotline list pinned near the top of the Coping section of this site. If you've been having any suicidal thoughts, you should call one or more of these hotlines.

 

While these feelings may be very strong, they are also likely to be transitory. Getting some in-person help and/or someone to talk to is probably one of the best things you can do for yourself right now.

[smellysocksuni]

If you are experiencing this much distress I think it's imperative that you get some help. You can ask about resources such as Help Lines and Crisis Hotlines at your university's offices, possibly they have some in-person counseling resources available to you also.

 

You can also search for crisis phone lines online + there is a suicide hotline list pinned near the top of the Coping section of this site. If you've been having any suicidal thoughts, you should call one or more of these hotlines.

 

While these feelings may be very strong, they are also likely to be transitory. Getting some in-person help and/or someone to talk to is probably one of the best things you can do for yourself right now.

 

Hello, thank you for replying.

 

I've contacted my university's help services about getting some help, I'm now just waiting to hear back from them.

 

These feelings are really strong, yes. I do feel very worried about just how strong they seem to be, but I am trying to understand that it may be because of how unhealthy the relationship actually was, and that it may just be taking it's toll on me. I don't know.

[mark clemson]

Yes, don't be surprised. Love and relationships trigger some of the strongest emotions that human beings have.

 

Glad to hear you have reached out for help. While you're waiting, suggest finding a help line/crisis hotline number you can call in a pinch. Sometimes even just small steps like this to take a measure of control over the situation can help quite a bit.

[healing light]

This woman sounds like a nightmare.

 

She's giving you physical health problems.

 

Typically university students have access to mental health services as part of their student services offerings.

 

In the meantime, I would tap on this through a free process you can find on YouTube called EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique). Some people have labeled it pseudoscience on here when I recommend it, but it has actually helped me quite a bit and there are scientific studies validating its effectiveness in treating PTSD. The VA approved its use as a generally safe therapy for PTSD, anxiety, etc. and since its free, can be used in the comfort of your own home, and easy to learn, I recommend giving it a try until you can get access to the therapy you need.

[smellysocksuni]

This has been a very strange and intense period in my life.

 

It's taken almost two months of severe emotional and psychological pain, loneliness, constant self-education about BPD and NPD and abusive relationships to get to the point where I have almost stripped away all romantic attachments and trauma bonds to her, and can almost, full time, see her for who she is.

 

Sadly I am now of the mindset that the connection her and I shared wasn't genuine, and that I was a mere 'target'. I never really, truly, felt as if she liked/loved me for me.

 

She'd often just talk about how I made her feel, as opposed to what she liked about me. She'd never really compliment me - only at the very end, but that lasted for two days and then came the anger. I don't think that everyone with BPD is abusive, but I do think that she was. I was constantly criticised - tiny things that I did were always noted and commented on. It hurt, a lot of the time.

 

She is able to end the relationship very suddenly during a rage, and cut me out of her life completely. I have no reason to think that she does or ever did care about me. I think I was merely in her life to provide her with an ego boost, or a distraction from boredom, or some other reason.

 

The more I think about it - the four month silence last year, for example - the more it just seems that she jumps from person to person. It struck me as odd that she suddenly contacted me after four months and jumped straight into hanging out with me every day and dating me.

 

The first time she broke up with me, she went and stayed with a guy for NYE and they were intimate. There was only a short period of three weeks that we didn't speak, so I do believe she was in contact with him while her and I were dating, and things must have been taking off between them, so she ended it with me. This seems to be a common pattern on BPD forums. When she got back in touch with me, I found out that her and this man had fallen out. Makes sense then, for her to pick things up with me again.

 

I had, for so long, just thought that she was a person who struggled with intimacy, who perhaps felt so much for me that she had to cut it off. But I don't, anymore. There are a lot of dark qualities and habits that she would do with me that suggest someone with NPD - which I've been reading a lot about. I can't make a diagnosis, but it seems to be something that's present with her.

 

I don't know what the point of this post is, I guess I'm reaching a different stage in my healing. I'd always wanted to be friends with her but she causes me too much pain. She isn't consistent; not just with me, but with everyone she knows. Even some old friend of hers said "maybe this time she'll be able to maintain a relationship!". She does it to everyone.

 

I can't keep hoping she ever cares/cared about me. I don't think she ever did. Yeah, that hurts. It'll hurt to see her at university. We were always a unit there, and it'll be strange and a bit painful to not have that anymore. But there's nothing I can do about that. I can only resolve to go back to university stronger and better than I've ever been, and complete my third year to the best of my ability.