Why [don't we hear about] happy endings [from affairs]?

[PhoenixRising8]

Of course not.

 

Assuming I'd given my marriage every chance, I'd have no hesitation about moving out, filing for separation and completing a negotiated settlement and divorce.

 

What I'd NEVER do is lie, cheat and manipulate to position myself in a new relationship while my spouse sits uninformed at home.

 

As this thread attests, some have trouble seeing the difference between those two courses...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

It takes some strength and courage to leave a long term relationship. Some of us have found ourselves without that courage because the neglect and abuse of our partners led to depression and despair which overwhelmed us. It is sometimes the compassion and self validation we find in our affair partners that finally gives us the courage we otherwise would not have. If you haven't lived it from the standpoint of being the spouse of a psychologically abusive partner you might not understand. As they say, walk a mile in my shoes. Life is not black and white sadly.

[amaysngrace]

There probably aren’t as many happy endings because there’s a lot of bad mojo lingering around. Like Bradgelina.

 

It must be tough to trust your partner when you know for a fact they’re a cheat.

[Mr. Lucky]

Some of us have found ourselves without that courage because the neglect and abuse of our partners led to depression and despair which overwhelmed us. It is sometimes the compassion and self validation we find in our affair partners that finally gives us the courage we otherwise would not have.

 

Nothing but the dressed-up rationalization every cheater uses to validate their poor choices. I have yet to be convinced a spouse could make me unfaithful, that's a path only I can chose...

 

Mr. Lucky

[PhoenixRising8]

Nothing but the dressed-up rationalization every cheater uses to validate their poor choices. I have yet to be convinced a spouse could make me unfaithful, that's a path only I can chose...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Any person who has survived abuse will understand the despair. Abuse takes a lot away from a person. It's easy for people to judge, to say you should have left. Dressed up rationalization? Perhaps in your opinion. Reality, not so much. With that, I bow out of the debate as I doubt I will convince you it is anything more substantial than rationalization.

[OpenBook]

Any person who has survived abuse will understand the despair. Abuse takes a lot away from a person. It's easy for people to judge, to say you should have left. Dressed up rationalization? Perhaps in your opinion. Reality, not so much.

 

I've seen enough cases where one spouse is doing a number on the other spouse's head - usually gradually over a period of years, wearing them down little by little - to know that this is the truth. It's amazing how many people are really good at this.

 

Yet another reason why I'm so glad to be not married. That kind of entrapment leaves the floor wide open for all kinds of abuse on another human being.

[DKT3]

I hear alot of talk of abuse leading to affairs, studies show this is actually very unlikely and rarely. Abused spouses dont usually engage in actions that will increase the likelihood of abuse.

 

It's not often in the same league as "my affair shower me what I was missing in my marriage " it's all rationization after the fact. One thing that is always a sign is those same people fail to acknowledge that the affair itself is abusive.

 

Of course there are affairs turned legitimate that are happy, many keep the fact that it started as an affair silent, there is shame and regret when there isnt there is a great deal of delusion or extreme selfishness maybe even some sociopathic behavior. Truth is not all people are good people. Its mostly good people that find themselves in affairs, that makes it difficult to separate the good from the destruction that led to it.

 

Not too long ago we had a poster here who left her marriage for her affair, she says it was happy but her guilt and poor relationship with her daughters had her wanting to end the relationship.

[elaine567]

I hear alot of talk of abuse leading to affairs, studies show this is actually very unlikely and rarely.

 

Abused spouses dont usually engage in actions that will increase the likelihood of abuse.

That is how I view it too. Many are so petrified of their abuser they do not want to put a foot wrong, their self confidence is so low that they can not contemplate conducting extra marital relationships and abusers often isolate and monitor their victims so much that the opportunity for cheating is minimal if not non existent.

[BaileyB]

I hear alot of talk of abuse leading to affairs, studies show this is actually very unlikely and rarely. Abused spouses dont usually engage in actions that will increase the likelihood of abuse.

 

Having not had this experience personally, I'm trying really hard not to judge. But, agree with the above comment. Although exit affairs definitely do happen, I can't imagine wanting to put myself in a situation where there is the potential for more abuse.

 

It goes without saying, there is a big difference between having an exit affair (ie. starting a relationship with a single man) and having an exit affair with a married man. Talk about jumping from the pot into the frying pan...

[Mr. Lucky]

Any person who has survived abuse will understand the despair. Abuse takes a lot away from a person. It's easy for people to judge, to say you should have left. Dressed up rationalization? Perhaps in your opinion. Reality, not so much. With that, I bow out of the debate as I doubt I will convince you it is anything more substantial than rationalization.

 

Here's what I think you're missing. If, as a victimized spouse, you use an affair with a married man to find courage to leave the relationship, you're trading in one abuser for someone willing to dish out another form of the same thing to his spouse.

 

Doesn't seem like progress...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Timshel]

Please tell our friends, neighbours and colleagues they should shun us. They think our “love story” is an inspiration, the triumph of love over adversity.

 

 

 

We get asked how we met all the time, as happens with many international couples. We don’t hide that he was M to someone else at the time - why would we? We have never had anyone respond negatively.

 

I would do no such thing, it's not who I am. Are you suggesting that your circumstance of being well received and accepted are the norm?

[Timshel]

The end doesn't necessarily justify the means.

 

When a fractured bone heals, the end result is often stronger than the original.

 

So am I doing you a service if I break your arm?

 

You don't get to make those choices for other people, especially those you chose to marry...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Of course not.

 

Assuming I'd given my marriage every chance, I'd have no hesitation about moving out, filing for separation and completing a negotiated settlement and divorce.

 

What I'd NEVER do is lie, cheat and manipulate to position myself in a new relationship while my spouse sits uninformed at home.

As this thread attests, some have trouble seeing the difference between those two courses...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

There is no defense from me for cheating as a ideal means of leaving a marriage. I won't take that position. My point however, is that in the context of an affair having a 'happy ending,' part of that includes that there is no longer an uniformed spouse.

 

I do think that despite the pain caused, a betrayed spouse is far better off with the freedom of knowledge and freedom from an uncaring spouse.

All parties finally know exactly where they stand and may move forward with their eyes wide open.

I have always thought that if a person wants free, they should be and if they believe that I am not the right person for them, then equally, they couldn't possibly be the right person for me.

So, it would work out just fine for me, if my spouse had a 'happy ending' with someone else. Hallelujah!

[Arieswoman]

niteandfog,

your question

Why [don't we hear about] happy endings [from affairs]?

 

is a bit vague - what do you mean by "a happy ending"?

[pepperbird]

My guess?

 

 

They aren't as common as some would like to believe.

 

 

Statistics show that, "About 67-80% of second marriages end in divorce." and , " 90%. That’s the risk of getting divorced in a second marriage compared to if it had been the first marriage for that couple."

 

 

(source:https://healthresearchfunding.org/55-surprising-divorce-statistics-second-marriages/ )

 

 

 

As marriage from an affair, would be, by it's very nature, a second marriage, then it stands to reason it has a high chance of ending in divorce.

 

I did a bit of looking and one of the predictors of a successful second marriage is if the former husband or wife recognizes their contribution to the demise of the marriage and does something to change. If a married man or women keeps up the same negative behavior with their former om/ow that they did with their spouse, it makes sense that relationship may not stand much of a chance. Some can do that, others, not so much.

[PhoenixRising8]

Here's what I think you're missing. If, as a victimized spouse, you use an affair with a married man to find courage to leave the relationship, you're trading in one abuser for someone willing to dish out another form of the same thing to his spouse.

 

Doesn't seem like progress...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

On this we absolutely agree. Something I did not realize almost 10 months ago, never, ever having contemplated an affair in all the years I was with my ex. After years of trying to explain how I felt and why I was sinking into an abyss of depression, I gave up. All I got was "get over it" - exact quote. I was in need of attention and affirmation and human touch.

 

As the abandoned adult child of an alcoholic, leaving him and being alone was my worst fear. The last 3 months I have been truly alone and it isn't as bad as I imagined. So while I am strong and determined in most aspects of my life, that one aspect I was petrified of which prevented me from leaving. Never again would I be afraid.

Edited January 7, 2019 by LilKatKat

[MissBee]

I think this won't make a lot of sense in the general board without some context... I meant relationships that start as affairs. You barely read happy endings on these forums

 

Chances are because most affairs don't end happily, so many of the people here will reflect that trend as well. Since I've been here though, a handful of people have reported to have happy affair endings (and this is also relative, in the sense that they can report it "ending" happy today, but who knows what may happen a year from now, so it's hard to say what you mean by ending. Is ending they get married or have a committed non-affair relationship for years after? Is ending, it is never found out and they go their separate ways, glad for what happened during the affair? Is ending, the married person leaves and is with their affair partner regardless of what happens a few months or a year after?).

 

Just like on the breakup board, so many people want to hear hopeful stories of getting their ex back, and it does happen, but is also not as common and most people don't end up back with their ex happily. I think that's also typical of affairs, if happy ending means the married person leaves to be with their affair partner and they have a whole new life together for years. But if happy ending means something else, then that also changes how often that occurs too.

[Prudence V]

Are you suggesting that your circumstance of being well received and accepted are the norm?

 

“The norm” depends on where you live and the circles you move in. Where I live, and the circles I move in, it is pretty much the norm. Many, if not most, people of my H’s and my age are on their second M; several of these were once As (often between professors and their PhD students; though that was not our situation, it was for a number of our friends). Academia is very accepting of infidelity, as long as it doesn’t compromise teaching or research ethics, or scupper departmental politics.

 

But even outside of our work contexts, people have been very positive. I’m sure if we lived somewhere more conservative like the US it may be different, but here it’s pretty much live and let live.

[Prudence V]

Statistics show that, "About 67-80% of second marriages end in divorce." and , " 90%. That’s the risk of getting divorced in a second marriage compared to if it had been the first marriage for that couple."

 

(source:https://healthresearchfunding.org/55-surprising-divorce-statistics-second-marriages/ )

 

“Statistics”.... That site provides a list of numbers, with no sources - they could be totally made up. Also the site seems to be some populist blog, mainly advertising, but certainly not authoritative in any way.

 

This report cites figures from the ONS (office for national statistics) that suggests second marriages here (in the UK) are less likely to end in divorce than first marriages.

Edited January 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[niteandfog]

“Statistics”.... That site provides a list of numbers, with no sources - they could be totally made up. Also the site seems to be some populist blog, mainly advertising, but certainly not authoritative in any way.

 

This report cites figures from the ONS (office for national statistics) that suggests second marriages here (in the UK) are less likely to end in divorce than first marriages.

 

 

I agree with that. And I think affairs that become primary relationships have to go.through so much to be "validated" that if they survive that, they'll possible survive anything.

[somanymistakes]

It would seem logical to me that second marriages have a higher divorce rate than first marriages, and that's not necessarily anything to do with affairs at all.

 

One of the biggest roadblocks that stops people from getting a divorce in a bad marriage is self-image. They believed that marriage was forever, they believe that divorce would make them a failure and/or a bad person. So they resist with all their might, even if the relationship is CLEARLY broken. There are people who resist divorce because they don't know how divorce works and the paperwork is intimidating, there are people who are absolutely terrified to be alone, there are people who are scared about how they feel those around them will judge them if they get divorced.... Lots of external pressure.

 

But if you've been married and divorced before, you KNOW it can be done. You know that marriage isn't necessarily a life sentence. You know that it's possible to bow out and leave the stage if things aren't going well.

 

Sure, a few people cling harder to a second marriage because they don't want to go through all that AGAIN, or they think multiple divorces are much more shameful. But in general, I think it's easier for people to "give up" on a second marriage IF IT GOES BAD. (And of course in some situations with serial cheaters, it'a slmost guaranteed to go bad eventually.)

 

 

However, statistics are changed by a lot of other factors as well. For example, the report Prudence linked is in the UK isn't it? As I recall, the UK has seen a big decline in both marriage and divorce. More people don't bother getting married because they don't see it as necessary. Which means that they people who DO get married are more likely to be seriously devoted to the concept, instead of just doing it because they think they HAVE to do it to be normal adults. Which probably leads to lower divorce rates.

 

But that's all guesswork really.

[DKT3]

Hundreds of studies out there that all indicate second marriage fail at a much higher rate. If you search hard enough you will find some that break down many circumstances. IE affairs turned marriage . Those looking for hope or encouragement will be very disappointed.

 

As far as discounting those that dont support whatever you want, simply pay attention to those done by or associated with governments and universities, they will have been vetted

[pepperbird]

Hundreds of studies out there that all indicate second marriage fail at a much higher rate. If you search hard enough you will find some that break down many circumstances. IE affairs turned marriage . Those looking for hope or encouragement will be very disappointed.

 

As far as discounting those that dont support whatever you want, simply pay attention to those done by or associated with governments and universities, they will have been vetted

 

 

I would think that a predictor of the future success of a marriage that started out as an affair would be whether or not the individual(s) that cheated are willing to do some work on themselves so they can figure out why they chose to cheat so they will be able to make better decisions in the future.

 

 

 

My brother was in the situation. His second marriage started as an affair, and it fell apart. They both brought a lot of baggage with them, but hadn't put in any of the work needed to deal with it. I think they both assumed it was their marriages that were the problem, but really, they would have been there no matter who they chose to be with. They divorced a few years later.

[DKT3]

I would think that a predictor of the future success of a marriage that started out as an affair would be whether or not the individual(s) that cheated are willing to do some work on themselves so they can figure out why they chose to cheat so they will be able to make better decisions in the future.

 

 

 

My brother was in the situation. His second marriage started as an affair, and it fell apart. They both brought a lot of baggage with them, but hadn't put in any of the work needed to deal with it. I think they both assumed it was their marriages that were the problem, but really, they would have been there no matter who they chose to be with. They divorced a few years later.

 

Exactly, the low (very low) success rate of these particular types of relationships are greatly affected by by the coping mechanisms of those involved. They have proven to not have the tools or willingness to do the work. The odds that they carry on into the relationship blaming and believing that the former partner is/was the problem is high. therefore find no need to adjust their behavior. Add the fact that both share that trait you have a relationship with a fairly firm expiration date.

 

of course they can be successful, being that those involved recognize that they where a big reason why the pervious relationship failed, and they have issues that need to be addressed. Honestly, in my time here I've only seen one poster who really understood that. Her problem is she is still in love with her ex husband but moving ahead with her affair partner. Unfortunately most will fail, usually within 5 years.

[somanymistakes]

Of course, if you automatically consider the relationships 'failures' if they chose NOT to rush into being married... that sort of reveals some of the weakness in plain statistics.

[Hopeful30]

I imagine because people want to avoid the stigma or looking like that bad guy. If someone heard that your relationship started as an affair, they would assume you guys would cheat on each other with others since that's how you started out (and in my experiences, affair -started relationships ended with another affair outside of the affair-started relationship). The relationship would lose validity in most people's eyes.

[DKT3]

 

Yes, but that isnt why they fail. At least not many. The failure is based internally. Although, I believe external forces will have a impact being that people tend to distance themselves from these types of situations. Losing outside relationships will add stress and strain. Lost of affection from children and so on. All these things can create a divide and start that whole cycle of unhappiness blame and then reacting again with those same unhealthy poor coping mechanisms.