Why [don't we hear about] happy endings [from affairs]?

[BaileyB]

By that definition then mine was never an affair. Neither of us wanted to be in our previous relationships. I filed for.divorce two weeks after meeting him. He announced he was leaving about two weeks later. There were three months between us meeting and moving out from our respective marital homes.

 

We're you both married when the relationship started/you had sex? That is the very definition of an affair... If an individual is in a legally binding relationship, and engaging in an emotional or sexual relationship with another person, that is an extramarital affair. You both had "exit affairs." Let's not try to pretend that it was anything different...

[Bittersweetie]

^this %110. Statistically affairs are deeply flawed for many reasons. People tend to bring their existing problems with them, they tend to not see the flaws in their affair partner due to lack of time spent together, not too mention the level of attention just isn't there due to more than one ongoing relationship. They are far more complex than the average relationship.

 

Yes, this was what I was trying to say earlier. If one doesn't address the existing problem before entering a new relationship, whether it's brand new or a previous A...then one is possibly doomed to repeat mistakes. It's like the A/new relationship is just putting a bandaid over the problem rather than seeing the doctor and fixing the problem. I know in the aftermath of my d-day, I decided to fix myself so that I would be healthy for a relationship, whether that was going to be with my husband or another man in the future. I didn't want to repeat my past choices.

[Normm]

People that cheat on their so called "lifelong committed partners" tend to have personality characteristics that do not lend themselves well to healthy relationships including but not limited to dishonesty, extreme selfishness, entitlement issues, inability to remain faithful, narcissism, etc.

 

 

 

When you've got not one but two cheaters in the same union? With all that dysfunction, the odds for success are almost nonexistent.

[Lotus_Luna]

People that cheat on their so called "lifelong committed partners" tend to have personality characteristics that do not lend themselves well to healthy relationships including but not limited to dishonesty, extreme selfishness, entitlement issues, inability to remain faithful, narcissism, etc.

 

 

 

When you've got not one but two cheaters in the same union? With all that dysfunction, the odds for success are almost nonexistent.

 

Ehhh, too much generalizing here

 

Many who cheat are actually hurting or angry... they feel ignored/neglected in thier relationship and step out because they so badly crave the connection.

They want to be seen, loved and valued

 

I know for myself years of abuse and neglect broke me. When the one man I found attractive in 14 years stopped to help, I didnt want to resist. I had literally told my husband he was killing our marriage with his selfishness and he told me he didnt care, he had other priorities.

 

There are certainly patterns, but you cant generalize all affair types and people...

[niteandfog]

People that cheat on their so called "lifelong committed partners" tend to have personality characteristics that do not lend themselves well to healthy relationships including but not limited to dishonesty, extreme selfishness, entitlement issues, inability to remain faithful, narcissism, etc.

 

 

 

When you've got not one but two cheaters in the same union? With all that dysfunction, the odds for success are almost nonexistent.

 

This is too reductionist... Too many variables are in place. Many couples end up together due to circumstances (ie unplanned pregnancy). Sometimes, time passes and everything just becomes part of the routine but that doesn't mean people choose them as lifelong partners. Maybe they think to just make the most of it. I know if I had never got pregnant I would not have stayed with my exH in a million years. In fact by the time I found out I was pregnant I knew I already wanted out. Same happened to my AP.

[Mr. Lucky]

Well then, to get back to the thread topic, I find it ironic that the OP defines "happy endings" as a positive outcome for the AP's. Unsurprisingly, left unaddressed is the fate of the respective BS's...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Overtaxed]

Because they are very rare. Depending on who's stats you read, you need to have between 25 and 100 affairs (with different AP's) to have a statistically good chance at having a happy ending (marriage that doesn't end in D). So for every OM/OW here, you'd need to read dozens/hundred stories to find one happy ending.

 

I don't think it has to do with bias, but if you define "happy ending" as love/happy marriage, it's just really rare. If you define "happy ending" as sex with the AP (as many do) well then, there are plenty of stories about that here.

[BaileyB]

Well then, to get back to the thread topic, I find it ironic that the OP defines "happy endings" as a positive outcome for the AP's. Unsurprisingly, left unaddressed is the fate of the respective BS's...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Well considering that most affairs develop and are defined by what the APs want, it is probably to be expected that a “happy ending” would be defined in much the same way...

[divegrl]

I don’t condone affairs but.....

 

I have known many people irl whose affairs worked out. Meaning the two affair partners got together and have had a successful relationship. In these cases, there was a finalized divorce within 6 months of starting the affair, which is very quick in my state.

 

On LS you get all the sad stories of women/men being strung along for years. I guess the people who are in pain and confused come here. So there is a skewed view.

 

Have a beautiful day my friend.

[niteandfog]

I think happy endings for the APs also mean acceptance from the BSs . They'll understand that they were going to divorce anyways or find happiness without their former spouse. My exH is still an ahole and he's the unhappiest of the lot so I really couldn't care less but I digress. The other BS is happy now, she even mentions how the anger has just disappeared. From the moment the children met me, all issues have been a thing of the past.

[littleblackheart]

Plenty of relationships / marriages that started in affairs are flourishing; just not in public.

 

It's an open topic of conversation in my home country (France). Not because people cheat more (I've not seen any less cheating in the UK, where I live - exH among the stats...) or are less affected by it, contrary to baseless stereotypes. It just seems to be less of a taboo topic in general.

 

In any event, it's difficult to find reliable data on this, for obvious reasons. Sometimes affairs are never found out, couples separate for other reasons and go public with their affair partners after some time has lapsed. Sometimes affairs are known to the spouse and kept quiet to save face, etc.

[Lotus_Luna]

Plenty of relationships / marriages that started in affairs are flourishing; just not in public.

 

It's an open topic of conversation in my home country (France). Not because people cheat more (I've not seen any less cheating in the UK, where I live - exH among the stats...) or are less affected by it, contrary to baseless stereotypes. It just seems to be less of a taboo topic in general.

 

In any event, it's difficult to find reliable data on this, for obvious reasons. Sometimes affairs are never found out, couples separate for other reasons and go public with their affair partners after some time has lapsed. Sometimes affairs are known to the spouse and kept quiet to save face, etc.

 

I am curious what the statistics would be if it wasnt taboo.

 

I know some affairs are simply lust

But I also see ones built when two people have taken time to really re evaluate who they are and change. They have a better isea of what partner they are and what partner they need and the relationship is a reflection of that.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think happy endings for the APs also mean acceptance from the BSs .

 

Again, what choice does a BS typically have? And what level of pain and hard work to arrive at acceptance?

 

Though I'm sure that's how most WS's see the outcome, they did every one a favor...

 

Mr. Lucky

[littleblackheart]

I am curious what the statistics would be if it wasnt taboo.

 

Realistically, probably the same as any relationship with the added complications of blending 2 families together, when children are involved. So it'd more or less mirror the same stats as second marriage success stats, at a calculated guess.

 

Concretely, I'm not really sure what good would come from knowing these sorts of stats, from a societal point of view, other than maybe, undermine the institution of marriage as a whole.

 

For me, exH cheating was like a life-time ago; he did much worse during the marriage (and since). He has had a few partners since the divorce, which he used as bargaining chips to detach from our kids. I've learned to shrug it off and steer clear of all his drama.

 

I also know a few couples who met while married to other people, living as normal a life as any couple. Life goes on for all eventually, I guess.

[Mrs._December]

I also know a handful of people who've ended marrying their affair partner and living happily ever after.

 

I only know one couple who ended up marrying due to an affair. She left her husband for this guy and they were married for 8 years before it imploded on them. She wasted no time replacing him and took up with his BEST FRIEND with whom she is still married 9 years later.

 

You can't make this crap up.

 

But sometimes you will see on message boards posts from women or men who have gone on to marry their affair partners and have now caught them cheating in their marriage. I'm always amazed to see how shocked and surprised these people are when they discover that THEY are now being cheated on and they're now the BS.

 

I mean, they KNEW their spouse was a snake when they picked him/her up, right?

[Timshel]

Though I'm sure that's how most WS's see the outcome, they did every one a favor...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Of course they did...every person finally knew exactly where they stood. That's imperatively important.

 

 

Other people have already made good points as to why 'we don't hear about happy endings.'

 

They are living their lives and dredging the past to satiate small numbers would be regressive and futile; as successful relationships post affair are both rare and shunned. They have probably kept their mouths shut about how they met.

 

 

Niteandfog, if you are truly content...that is all. No need to extrapolate on 'happiness,' at any person's expense.

 

Get it?

[Mr. Lucky]

Of course they did...every person finally knew exactly where they stood. That's imperatively important.

 

The end doesn't necessarily justify the means.

 

When a fractured bone heals, the end result is often stronger than the original.

 

So am I doing you a service if I break your arm?

 

You don't get to make those choices for other people, especially those you chose to marry...

 

Mr. Lucky

[pepperbird]

Interesting take. When I ended up here I was desperate for even the tiniest crumb of hope. Maybe I was lucky but having that hope would have helped during some weeks of uncertainty. I'm in a very happy place now, but I also think such negativity was borderline toxic.

 

 

This is their reality. This is what they are sharing. If it doesn't match with yours, that's unfortunate for you, but it is what it is.

 

 

 

If someone has a positive experience, they are also free to share.Nothing stops them.

[Prudence V]

 

successful relationships post affair are both rare and shunned.

 

Please tell our friends, neighbours and colleagues they should shun us. They think our “love story” is an inspiration, the triumph of love over adversity.

 

They have probably kept their mouths shut about how they met.

 

We get asked how we met all the time, as happens with many international couples. We don’t hide that he was M to someone else at the time - why would we? We have never had anyone respond negatively.

[Prudence V]

 

If someone has a positive experience, they are also free to share.Nothing stops them.

 

Except for... all the bashing (thankfully much less these days);

Being accused of gloating;

Being accused of being obsessed with the past, and not moving on;

Triggering the inevitable “but it wasn’t so nice an outcome for the ‘poor’ BS”, and variations on that theme, about poor “blameless” BS suffering at the hands of “selfish”, “heartless” APs;

Being told, “you’re such an exception, stop creating false hope”;

Being accused of being a cheerleader for infidelity;

Etc.

 

Yes, you can report individual posts when they overstep the mark. It still marks you as a target, for those gangs of members who hang about on the dodgy corners of the internet plotting how to “take down” those APs who seem too happy, confident or anything other than abjectly apologetic for their role. It still sets you up for dogpiles, whenever you post, whatever you actually say in your post. Some of us laugh it off - but for those whose lives have been disrupted by these gangs mailing their bosses, children, extended families or others, it’s not so easy.

[lana-banana]

Affairs aside for the moment, who talks about "happy endings" in life unless they have one foot in the grave? Life is always changing, an ever-moving kaleidoscope of fortune and uncertainty. My marriage is a thing I work at every day. I recognize it could end any day, from divorce to cancer to one of us getting hit by a bus. It didn't become a "happy ending" just because I ran around in a white dress for a day. Love is a process, not an end. Per your previous thread you've been together with this guy for a year. Do you really feel like it's all smooth sailing from here on out?

 

Humans are generally decent, and folks don't like to gloat about knowingly causing pain to others. This goes for most things in life. Most of us don't like to hurt people, and if we do, we're at least a little ashamed of it. Would you brag about a job you got by humiliating a coworker? Would you talk up the amazing deal you got on your condo because you harassed the previous homeowners until they were forced to move?

 

(More simply, it could well be that we don't hear more about happy outcomes to affairs because there just aren't that many. But I don't know nearly enough about the topic to have any sort of authority.)

[Normm]

Affairs aside for the moment, who talks about "happy endings" in life unless they have one foot in the grave?

 

 

Massage parlor patrons.

[niteandfog]

Massage parlor patrons.

 

That's funny!

 

I do agree that success rates must be similar to second marriages

[PhoenixRising8]

The end doesn't necessarily justify the means.

 

When a fractured bone heals, the end result is often stronger than the original.

 

So am I doing you a service if I break your arm?

 

You don't get to make those choices for other people, especially those you chose to marry...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

So are you suggesting that one spouse should not leave the other until both are ready to do so? I know my BS would not have got there and I was so miserable in the marriage, death would have been preferable. So I made a choice and it gave him none. I didn't want to be in the marriage - how is that better for either in the long haul? A marriage certificate doesn't convey ownership, sorry.

[Mr. Lucky]

A marriage certificate doesn't convey ownership, sorry.

 

Of course not.

 

Assuming I'd given my marriage every chance, I'd have no hesitation about moving out, filing for separation and completing a negotiated settlement and divorce.

 

What I'd NEVER do is lie, cheat and manipulate to position myself in a new relationship while my spouse sits uninformed at home.

 

As this thread attests, some have trouble seeing the difference between those two courses...

 

Mr. Lucky