5 Months of Pain & Misery

[LostLiam]

I'm desperate for help or some sound advice...

 

2018 has been one of the worse years of my life. My wife had been growing distant from me for some time now. Earlier in 2018 I felt us growing apart. I had been trying to rekindle our sex life but she had every excuse not to be sexual. In fairness, we have a 6-year-old and since her birth, it's been rocky. Our marriage wasn't perfect but who's is.

 

There were a series of red flags that I ignored like getting upset if I picked up her phone. She also wanted to run errands on her own. A sudden dedication to the gym. Being contemptuous or getting angry with me when I called her to let her know that my position was eliminated and I was just laid off back in May.

 

During my unemployment, we went to a party to network a little and while we were there, I came up behind her while she was texting someone and she jumped to the high heavens. That was the reg flag that really raised my suspicions. That night I activated her phone's GPS so I can track her.

 

While I was hustling to get interviews and another job, she was secretly seeing someone else after work. Just 4 days before I was to start my new job, I confronted her because I didn't feel I could start a new job with this hanging over my head or try to play detective. Needless to say, she denied it. Gaslighted her way through it and tried to make me feel like it was all in my head until I showed her proof that I knew where she was. That's all I knew but she didn't know that. She admitted to seeing someone but told me nothing ever happened. They just talked. I then asked her to leave.

 

After a week of being at her sister's house, she wanted to come back home. I pressed her some more and asked her to stop lying. It's only until I threatened her to take her to that apartment to knock on the door that she turned cold and finally admitted it was just a one-night stand. This all happened in July.

 

Since then I've been trying to catch my breath. It felt like a sucker punch but I should have seen the signs sooner. The holidays are rough for me and I've already started the mediation process so I can file for divorce. The problem I have is I still believe we can work this out but she's given me no signs of trying to build trust or even wanting to try. That should be more than enough but it hurts like a bitch. The thought of my daughter having to grow up in a broken home like I did, kills me.

 

There's so much uncertainty and I've wasted months agonizing over this, I'm concerned I may end up losing my job again because I haven't been focused. I now have an opportunity to put this behind me and start a new job but I would be traveling more. That would be great for me - I can get away but I'm concerned that my little girl would feel I've abandoned her.

 

Good friends and my family are telling me to end the marriage and I'm coming around to this idea, hence the mediation process but I'm still looking for hope...a Christmas miracle? I just needed to vent and get some much-needed support.

 

Thanks,

LL

[Iamyoungjuan]

I’m two months in and my ex wife just told me she’s seeing someone else I been trying to win her back go to counseling and everything but she don’t wanna try at all she told me to file for divorce I feel like my life is over she’s all I know over the last 14 years

 

I hope that things work out for y’all we just have to be strong this one one of the worst feelings in the world

[LostLiam]

Hey iamyoungjuan,

 

Thanks for replying. Sorry to hear about your situation. I know the first few months were gut wrenching. As painful as it was, it has subsided a bit. Not nearly as painful as when I first learned about my wives infidelity. Hang in there. I did find some comfort in watching a great YouTube channel called Affair Recovery. Definitely check it out. I wish I had found this earlier on. Make sure if you do get into therapy that this person actually has personal experience as well as professional. It make a world of difference. The therapist I desperately reached out to only made things worse.

[Mr. Lucky]

she turned cold and finally admitted it was just a one-night stand. This all happened in July.

 

So she lied about everything up to this point but now she's suddenly telling the truth? Not very likely my friend, you've just seen the tip of the iceberg. Her affair most likely ongoing, hence the secrecy and guarding of her phone.

 

Understand also chances are she only came home after a week because things didn't work out with her OM. At least right now, you're the fall-back plan as she's got nowhere else to go.

 

None of this means you have to end your marriage. But you're months behind her, she's been planning her exit since early this year. Focus right now on what works best for you and take things one day at a time,

 

I I now have an opportunity to put this behind me and start a new job but I would be traveling more. That would be great for me - I can get away but I'm concerned that my little girl would feel I've abandoned her.

 

Can only speak for myself, but the last thing I'd want during separation and divorce would be to be away from my child. She needs you and you her. Your wife may also attempt to use your unavailability and travel schedule against you in support and custody matters. Plan accordingly...

 

Mr. Lucky

[LostLiam]

Thanks Mr Lucky. My mind knows the obvious but my heart is telling me something else. However, there’s a truth I have to accept and move on. As for the new job, nothing is set in stone. I don’t want to be away from my daughter. Sadly I probably just want to escape. I’ll need to man up and let time heal the pain. Thanks for your feedback.

[healing light]

It's worse, imo, for your daughter to be subjected to a household where the parents are no longer in love/just in it for the kids but resent each other/can't trust each other. I, too, would not believe that it was just a one-night stand if she's always on her phone.

 

It doesn't sound like your wife is invested in earning your trust back. I agree with the other poster that you may just be a convenient place to stay right now. Is she joining you in marriage counseling? And yes, sometimes you need therapy from the experience of a bad therapist. I think people who are charming or narcissistic are often able to get a therapist who isn't that insightful on their sides... or therapists can be so hellbent to make a relationship work that they whitewash the betrayed partner's real concerns.

 

Personally, I would proceed with the divorce unless your wife seems to signal some real remorse for her actions and is upfront with you. Just be mindful of any employment changes you make and how that might affect divorce proceedings. How old is your little girl? How much travel are we talking about for work? I could see where you might need the occasional travel for your own sanity. However, it may not be worth it to shake up other areas of your life if you're content in your current job while taking steps to dissolve your marriage.

Edited December 29, 2018 by healing light

[vla1120]

#1 - Do whatever you need to do to stay focused at your job, for you and for your daughter. The last thing you need right now is another job search.

 

#2 - Stay in the area and devote as much time as possible to your daughter. It is good that you stayed in the marital home and she left to stay with her sister. Keep as much normalcy as possible for your daughter and her daily routine.

 

#3 - You cannot work on your marriage in good faith when she has only told you a small part of the truth. That was no one-night stand and I am sure you know that.

 

I am sorry you are going through this. Stay strong, talk to a lawyer and protect your interests. One last thing - there are worse things than coming from a broken home. Regardless of how you and your wife feel about one another, you can work together to make your daughter's life calm, nurturing, and let her know she has unconditional love from both of you.

[LostLiam]

Thanks @head_light. Better to be a lone than wish you were alone. That's were my wife is at. And you're absolutely correct. My wife hasn't come around and doesn't want to work things out. I do see she is struggling though but that's not my concern any longer. Tomorrow is her last day and she'll be moving out so technically she's already made the decision for both of us.

 

With regards to the potential new gig. I'm still interviewing. I know now isn't the time and I will most likely turn it down should they make an offer. I really hope 2019 is better than 2018.

[LostLiam]

Thanks vla1120. I appreciate your input. Next to being betrayed and heartbroken, I hate this feeling of uncertainty. This will be the loneliest New Years holiday but I do need to stay strong for my little girl.

 

Thanks again everyone!!

[Marc878]

You’re getting the cheater script. Nothing but lies. You do need to realize this is very typical. Nothing special. Except it’s happening to you.

 

The only one who can keep you in this is you.

 

The longer you lay in infidelity the worse it gets.

 

Get out now and save yourself

[Blind-Sided]

Hi,

 

 

I feel your pain. Out of the blue, my wife started acting strange, and I can't really get a handle on it. In my case... I think it's a breakdown of some kind, but I still have a gut feeling that it's someone else.

 

 

Unfortunately, if you found her cheating... even if it was just once... it may happen again. This happened with my brother and his marriage. He even went as far as to move to another state, but his ex just found someone else. When you are married to someone who finds it OK to fool around... it wont stop, and the trust you should have will never come back.

 

 

My advice is to move on without her. I know it's hard to think about, but all you will be doing is torturing yourself. You have already put your new job in jeopardy over it, and you can't heal until you move on.

 

 

Sorry.

[Endnote]

My ex-wife cheated and me and left me for the other guy years ago. It really sucks. She had herself in a relationship on FB before I even filed for divorce. After about a year some crazy **** went down that didn't involve me, but I was feeling so much better. But it really did take a year before I could even spend a full day without thinking about her. And I had to change a lot in my life to get there.

 

 

It's pretty rare in my experience (and I think most of those who experience cheating, esp in a marriage) that cheaters show genuine remorse. Usually their actions indicate this the most, not what they say. You've said her decision in terms of her actions seems pretty clear. Will she change her mind? Maybe months or years down the road. But it's probably not gonna be worth the wait for her to figure out her BS. In my experience trying to sway someone willing to cheat is a lost cause. They'll typically compartmentalize and do whatever they can to assuage their own guilt to try and justify their actions. I wouldn't stick around.

 

 

 

At the end of the day, I'm telling you, the process of moving on is emotionally excruciating and arduous. I'm about 4 months from a breakup (separate relationship from my ex wife I just discussed) and I still have long days where I struggle to not think about my failed relationship(s). And it's definitely not easy, but what in life that's worth having comes easy right?

 

 

Ultimately, I hope you can do whatever it may take to make things work with your daughter and keep your relationship with her as stable as possible. If you're ex-wife becomes vindictive and willing to use your daughter as a bargaining chip then just prepare yourself for tough times. I'd highly recommend therapy if it is available to you. If you can find a depression/anxiety/divorce support group in your area then I can't recommend that enough. I'm sorry you're going through this, I can't promise you some timeline all I can say is that I know how painful it can be, come to this forum whenever you can and read others stories, they can help. Many of us are feeling the same things.

 

 

Also, there's a lot of stuff with No Contact (NC) on here, considering you have a child together I don't have much info to give you, but NC has made this process much easier for me. Ask around for strategies on how to handle it considering your situation, and consider what advice people give.