Husband is driving me crazy..

[Rainbowstars]

When I met my Husband he was sweet, kind, generous and caring. I was unaware he would turn out to be this way after marriage. My Husband gets onto me over everything and it has got to the point where I feel as though I'm walking on egg shells at nearly every turn. From “Why do you walk like that? Stop being a drama queen..” to “Why do you have that face? It looks like you are being so dramatic.” “God you are not really hurting..” to yelling “Why you doing that?! No!! I'm not going to stop!”

 

He has called me names in the past such as.”Idiot, stupid and piece of trash. I was close to leaving him and demanded he stop, or else if he ever called me either of those names I'd file for divorce. (He considers this a threat) Since then, those insults have stopped, but they remain a part of our past and it's hard not to think back at how much those words have stung.

 

Fast forward to Christmas and his Mother came down to spend time with us during the holidays. I have discovered, that he also raises his voice to her at times. I have stepped in and told him to not do this. She has even gave him looks when he snaps at me, leaving us standing there looking at each other in shock.. She is incredibly sweet and I would absolutely hate losing her as my MIL.

 

At the moment I don't know how to feel, but I'm definitely growing numb to our marriage and my feelings towards him are becoming fogged. I ask myself all the time, can I take this for years to come? I love him deeply, but also know that what he is doing is wrong. I don't ever doubt that we could both change, but my emotions have shifted to the point where I have no control over feeling differently. I have off dreams of meeting new people, emotional or physical affairs. I would never, nor have I ever cheated, but again these are dreams that I have no control over. I have dreams of being single and wake up feeling very uncomfortable. Like I committed a terrible act against our marriage, when I haven't.

 

I have suggested marriage counseling, but he either refuses to go, never commits to going, thinks we can solve it or that its a waste of money that we don't have. We've had times where I've mentioned divorce and he will either try to cuddle, laugh (turn it into a joke), say we are fine “ok ok ok..” or whatever to wiggle away from this issue. No matter how serious of a conversation we have. He will always say “Ugh..you are right..I need to change..you are right..” Then it just repeats itself again down the road again and again.. My Grandparents want children, but I REALLY feel we should not try for a baby. Not because I don't want to be a Mother, but that I'm scared to move deeper into life with him, don't want to cause trauma to a baby and feel we have to majorly change first. No matter how much I've asked my Grandmother to stop mentioning us having a baby, she persists.. This gets others involved in encouraging for a baby.

 

What I'd like to have is a healthy marriage, where we both love one another to the fullest and don't fight all the time. I don't want to walk on egg shells or question myself allthe time. At the moment I'm locked in a 1 year lease with him, located 2 hours from my Family's home, so I have no one to help me. (He does..) At times I don't know how to leave, if it comes to that.. How to even start.. Leaving MIL behind, letting her and my Family down hurts incredibly.

 

What can I do? Advice?

[BaileyB]

In other words, your husband is emotionally abusive. If we call a spade a spade...

 

I personally would never bring children into this world if I was in an emotionally abusive marriage. He will do to your children what is he is doing to you, and to his own mother... and frankly, children deserve more than to be brought into this world only to be yelled at and criticized by their father.

 

Your husband, at least, has the insight to know that his behavior needs to change. The question is - will he actually do what is required to change. To date, the answer has been no because he has declined to accept your invitation to attend marriage counselling... I suppose you will see how badly he wants to keep his marriage...

 

My advice would be that he must attend marriage counselling and learn to control his anger, communicate, and treat others with respect. In other words, either he stops the emotional abuse or I would end the marriage.

 

I’m very sorry that you find yourself in this situation.

[SameMistake]

Honey, *holds hands*. I have been in your shoes. Chances are you're committed to him and bettering (staying in) this marriage. I get it. He's made it clear he is not interested in changing or bettering your Union.

 

MIL has helped him become the abusive man you see before you. Usually by allowing and enabling and excusing. You should expect very little from her or him.

 

Instead, get yourself some counseling and ask yourself some hard questions.

 

If nothing changed, can I remain in this marriage for life?

 

Is he holding to his vows as my husband to honor, cherish, protect, and respect me?

 

At what point do I choose to honor, cherish, protect, and respect myself above this man?

 

My exH said similar things and did simliar things. They only escalated.

 

He will not get better if he sees nothing wrong with his actions and the abuse will continue until you are a mere shell of yourself. I am going to pray for you. Sending you hugs also. You are worthy of respect.

[Mr. Lucky]

I have discovered, that he also raises his voice to her at times. I have stepped in and told him to not do this.

 

They're both adults with a history that predates yours. It's not up to you to monitor or referee his relationship with his Mother.

 

The last thing you want to do is have a child in the middle of your marital dysfunction. Were I you, I'd make an appointment with a counselor and tell him he has a choice - he can come with you and work on the marriage or he can suffer the consequences of inaction.

 

You can't control him, you're only in charge of yourself. Start focusing on what a healthier future looks like, with or without him...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Rainbowstars]

SameMistake: Thank you very much for the advice and relating to this situation. Its a relief to know I'm not alone in having this happen. I will definitely be asking myself those serious questions and giving everything deep thought. I agree that him changing more than likely will never happen. Thank you again..

[SameMistake]

SameMistake: Thank you very much for the advice and relating to this situation. Its a relief to know I'm not alone in having this happen. I will definitely be asking myself those serious questions and giving everything deep thought. I agree that him changing more than likely will never happen. Thank you again..

Unfortunately there are MANY people who can relate to you. Also, fortunately there's lots of support and love and TRUTH, if you allow it in.

[Rainbowstars]

SameMistake:Very true and this is a relief to hear, but also something I will have to learn to accept. Thank you..

 

Mr.Lucky: You're right and I didn't think about that till this thread. I can't be a parent to both of them, as they are adults.. If anything this is a sign that there is abd has been distinction there prior. I'm taking great consideration of this advice and will be giving him that choice and continuing with taking care of myself. Regardless of how much emotion there is behind it.. Thank you..

 

Bailey: I think I've tried pushing aside the thought of it being emotional abuse, mainly because it is. This is something I now know I'll need to come to terms with. I as well agree with you that bringing children into this world, only to be in the same situation of abuse would be abuse at my own hands. Its wrong and that would be selfish of me to do. Children deserve to be loved by both parents and not treated like the way he has been doing to me. I feel like I'm breaking at times, because when I get the chance to sit down and give it serious thought I know I'm at my ropes end. I will be following everyone's advice and giving him a final ultimatum, as well planning an exit should he choose not to save our marriage. Thank you again..

Edited December 28, 2018 by Rainbowstars

[Simple Logic]

Maybe you should just ask him if he married you to make you feel like crap.

[L0nely]

how long did you guys meet before you married and have been married for how long? do you have your own car? do you have a job?

[BaileyB]

Bailey: I think I've tried pushing aside the thought of it being emotional abuse, mainly because it is. This is something I now know I'll need to come to terms with. I as well agree with you that bringing children into this world, only to be in the same situation of abuse would be abuse at my own hands. Its wrong and that would be selfish of me to do. Children deserve to be loved by both parents and not treated like the way he has been doing to me. I feel like I'm breaking at times, because when I get the chance to sit down and give it serious thought I know I'm at my ropes end. I will be following everyone's advice and giving him a final ultimatum, as well planning an exit should he choose not to save our marriage. Thank you again..

 

Hugs to you. This is hard. I wish you all the best and hope you find the strength to do what you need to do. I hope you are able to find a better and healthier future for yourself. You deserve it. Good luck.

[See-Me-Feel-Me]

I'm sorry you're experiencing this. It is wrong. A man should know when he is being unreasonable and, dare I say it, abusive. I don't know if you can even speak to him but you will have to try. His impulses are chemically driven--his temperament is a risk to everyone in the household. There is excellent medicine these days--I am a changed man from it (not that I was ever like him. I just get to choose my feelings now and what there proportions should be). If he won't even consider your ultimatum to get psychiatric help or else you're leaving, then leave the bastard. He needs an SSRI and maybe a good rap in his mouth from a superior man.