Son wanted dna-kit for X-mas.

[Familysecret]

I have been married for over 40yrs and we have two wonderful sons. The younger son’s gf took a dna-test for fun to see ancestry thousands of years back. Now my younger son wanted one. I am frantic.

 

My husband spent 6 mo/yr away from home throughout our marriage. He was away for a graduation, for x-Mases, easters, birthdays, vacations, you name it.I worked fulltime outside the home, took care of the kids, our home, in-laws as they became sick and died ( cancer), my siblings and my dysfunctional mother.

This was a heavy load. At one time I was disliked at work for siding with management on an issue where I thought that blame, if any, should be passed higher up in the hierarchy. I was mercilessly bullied as people were very upset at the time. One night, in need of comfort, I cheated and slept with another man.

 

A few months later I discovered I was pregnant, but didn’t give any thought to my son being the result of my infidelity. Had I suspected it I would have had a termination.

Once he was born I began to suspect my son might not be my husband’s. I was in shock. I love my husband and our children and could not bring myself to voice my suspicion. The boys are similar enough to pass as siblings. Had there been dna tests back in the day I would most certainly have had an abortion so as not to jeopardise my marriage. I love my sons with all my heart and am glad I didn’t abort.

 

I now have the dna package for my son that he asked for for xmas and I am panicing about what to do. I Will not tell my husband. I do not want to break his, or my son’s heart. Before dna-testing this would not have been an issue.

Judge me if you wish. I am only human and have had a deep sense of loneliness all my life and have had no other relatives outside my birth family of mother and two brothers.

I just don’t know what to do.

Edited December 29, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[salparadise]

Well, it happens. Women often get the itch for some strange when ovulating. Are you reasonably sure he's not your husband's, or are you just afraid to risk it? It seems like you would know if your husband was away for many months at a time. Was he home or not 266* days prior to the birth?

 

If your husband knows nothing at all about his ancestry, and nobody else in his family has had the dna kit done, then it might go unnoticed even if your son is not his. Or, if the two men had similar ancestry it might go unnoticed... but if your husband or other son, or other close relatives got tested as well, it would likely be discovered, or at least pique someone's curiosity.

 

If you can let it slide without seeming to object too much I'd say do that. But if you'd have to put up a fuss then I'd go ahead and allow it and hope for the best, IF your husband doesn't know his ancestry, and if none his relatives have had the test done.

 

If he's not your husband's child and he gets the dna test, there's a good chance it will be discovered sooner or later. I doubt that your husband will consider the fact that you were "in need of comfort" to be a mitigating circumstance.

 

*280 days is the expected gestation, but that it from the start of the menses prior to conception. Ovulation occurs approximately 14 days later.

Edited December 29, 2018 by salparadise

[Familysecret]

Thank you for replying. I am certain that my son’s cousins Will get kits.

I was inebriated and off guard when it all happened. Ugh!

[salparadise]

Thank you for replying. I am certain that my son’s cousins Will get kits.

I was inebriated and off guard when it all happened. Ugh!

 

In that case I'd do my best to slide by without giving him that kit. You know he's not your husband's, don't you? I wonder if your husband has ever counted back 40 weeks?

[Familysecret]

Don’t know for sure. Husband Came home two weeks early, a few days after infidelity. Son does not resemble husband.

[littleblackheart]

More difficult than the dna kit situation is your conscience, that you will need to make peace with. I don't really know how you managed to keep this to yourself for so long without it eating you alive - survival instincts kicking in, I guess?

 

Could you use this opportunity to actually come clean to your family before the dna results are revealed? The only other solution would be stick your head in the sand and hope nothing gets revealed - and, coincidentally, leave your family in the dark.

[FMW]

If your son is a minor then you can maybe get away with just not giving the test kit to him by putting him off until he just lets it to. If he's an adult there probably isn't much you can do about it, he'll get the test on his own if he really wants it.

 

You'll have to prepare yourself for what you are going to say if questions arise about the results, especially if his cousins on your husband's side of the family are tested.

 

Our past sometimes does come back to haunt us

[BaileyB]

It seems to me that your son may well find out the truth. If he really wants the DNA kit, and all his other family have it, he will find a way to get it.

 

The question is - would you rather he learn this potentially devastating secret from you, or from a DNA kit? Which would be easier to forgive...

[Mr. Lucky]

If your son is a minor then you can maybe get away with just not giving the test kit to him by putting him off until he just lets it to. If he's an adult there probably isn't much you can do about it, he'll get the test on his own if he really wants it.(

 

OP, you’re thinking more about your husband right now than you are your son. While that’s understandable, your son has a right - and maybe medically at some point a need - to his own ancestry and genetic make-up.

 

This isn’t just about you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[snowcones]

I've taken the dna test before. It won't tell him that his father is not his father until his father (or brother) takes it as well. It will just tell him the regions he is from and some other stuff.

[FMW]

To stay strictly on topic, this test kit is for countries of origin, not close genetic matches.

 

The medical need issue is a separate issue. But yes, it's something OP should certainly consider, and maybe this will be the catalyst.

[FMW]

My mom and I did the testing for fun. I got "matches" from her side of the family as well as my father's side. So the problem would be if OP's husband's close relatives (like nieces and nephews) got the testing done then it would raise a question as to why they did not show up as "matches".

[Familysecret]

I am not sure which medical issues my son would need to know about. The biological father is still Alive and in his seventies.

Edited December 31, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
typo

[m2r2]

I am not sure which medieval issues my son would need to know about. The biological father is still Alive and in his seventies.

 

 

Is this your husband or AP

[Familysecret]

Depends on who the biological father is. Both husband and OM in seventies.

[salparadise]

I wonder if your son already suspects that your husband might not be his father?

[m2r2]

I guess for you doesn't really matter.

 

The real question is how's your son going to take it. If your husband is in he's mid seventy's he might just suffer for the remaining of he's life but son has to deal with it. This might effect he's relationship and he's view in life inn general.

Let's hope he doesn't find out soon enough

[preraph]

Any way to get the other son's saliva and put it in there instead? I mean, their dna ought to be the same if they're brothers, anyway, so you could just say, Yours is just like your brother's and just not do it.

[Cersei]

Any way to get the other son's saliva and put it in there instead? I mean, their dna ought to be the same if they're brothers, anyway, so you could just say, Yours is just like your brother's and just not do it.

 

You watch too much tv. Lol But I was thinking something sneaky too. Get it ready to send and then it "accidentally" gets lost in the mail.

[Mr. Lucky]

I am not sure which medical issues my son would need to know about. The biological father is still Alive and in his seventies.

 

Going to assume you'd been to a doctor's appointment and filled out the paperwork, much of which is about your family medical history. It's part of understanding your risk factors and identifying issues one might face going forward.

 

Beyond that, he has a right to have access to his own DNA and genetic make-up. Are you really going to deny him that?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mrschaney]

You did wrong years ago and have gotten away with it. You cant keep your son from getting his DNA tested if he wants to. Sit back and wait for what comes. Maybe youll get lucky, if not, admit your wrong doing, apologize, and accept what comes. Its all you can do.

[Guildford]

Familysecrete - If your husband finds out he is not the father, is he likely to disinherit your son? With your husband in his seventies, I believe you should do everything in your power to take this secrete to the grave.

[bigman1]

Let's be reasonable here. You either tell your husband that you cheated a lifetime ago and then do DNA or you do DNA and find out if you have to tell him of your affair and the fact that he's not the father of your son. All of that gaming the DNA test crap is just horrible. He could be the father and it is only the cheating you have to deal with.

 

I doubt that a man in his 70's is gonna leave his wife for a decades old affair. You are gonna break his heart or maybe he confesses to cheating too during his long trips and you both have do deal with it. Lastly, if you deceive your son and husband you could ruin both relationships.

 

In his 70's, adult son, comfortable life, he is not going to leave. It is gonna be emotionally hard, but you owe them both honesty. Ignore any talk of trying to game the system.

[Familysecret]

I guess for you doesn't really matter.

 

The real question is how's your son going to take it. If your husband is in he's mid seventy's he might just suffer for the remaining of he's life but son has to deal with it. This might effect he's relationship and he's view in life inn general.

Let's hope he doesn't find out soon enough

 

This precisely what I fear. I have read online so many accounts of children/adults being devastated and I don’t want this for my son. There is something about his eyes that makes me suspect my DH isn’t the father.I do not want my son to be hyrt and confused. In my mind, the man who raises you is the parent. Not someone on a piece of paper.

[elaine567]

Are your older son or husband interested in taking the test?