Emotional affair with girl at work

[Orokotikki]

Thanks for your outlook, i get what you're saying but in all honesty I dont want to stop. Yes i have a SO but I'm infatuated with this person, plus she listens to me and makes me feel appreciated which lately my SO hasn't been doing and my AP said she feels the same (besides the infatuation bit) as she jas to fish for compliments from her SO. Part of me knows its bad and should walk away but another part of me wants to see where this goes in the hopes ot may go further.

 

When my spouse was checked out of the marriage and starting her affair, I didn't have many compliments for her either.

 

When your SO finds out, or just decides she can do better than someone who has quit trying...

 

You know what... nevermind.

[Vivir]

Bear1987 literally wrote that he posted here to see if any of us have been in this exact same situation and come out unscathed and/or how best to have his cake and eat it, too.

 

You and the married woman are using each other to make your primary relationships more bearable so that you can continue to avoid conflict(s) at home. You are also inviting pain and drama into your lives.

 

The facts are that no one enters into these kinds of affairs and comes out unscathed. Everyone in the triangle, except maybe sociopaths, will be negatively affected to some degree.

 

You may get to have your cake and eat it too for a while, but this will come at a price we're not sure you've even considered or are willing to pay.

[Bear1987]

I'm sure a lot of you will be happy to know that the married woman broke it off to focus on her marriage...... I know i should feel slightly relieved because the decision of whether or not to end it was done for me, but in all honesty I feel even worse. I fell for this woman hard and even though i have the mrs at home and the kids, a big part of me was hoping that maybe the affair could have gone on longer or something i dunno, all i do know is I'm in love with this woman.... What makes it worse is its next to impossible to avoid her at work and on top of that we still txt each other on a daily basis but now as "friends". Part of me wants to confess to her about how this whole thing is eating me up inside, but i know telling her how i feel make things even worse at work. I know really i should cut her out of my life and have minimal contact at work but truth is i dont want that, i want her.... I realise saying all this and what i said previously makes me sound like a right ass, but genuinely I've had feelings for her since i first met her over a year ago now, and the idea of not having her in my life at all hurt's me even more than the thought of having her in my life and pretending i can be friends..... Sorry for the ramble, just needed to get that off my chest as its been eating at me for the last couple of days now

[Sarah_Smiles]

I am sure no one who posted on this thread including myself feel happy that you might be in pain over losing a person you enjoyed time with, even though you both have actual real life partners to focus on but she did you both a favor in the long run..worse part for yourself is that now you have to see her daily during work hours and re coping with all day in and out, hope it eases up for you in time. Maybe she confessed to her husband and he forgave her and is why she is focusing on her married relationship now. Best to respect that.

[Bear1987]

I am sure no one who posted on this thread including myself feel happy that you might be in pain over losing a person you enjoyed time with, even though you both have actual real life partners to focus on but she did you both a favor in the long run..worse part for yourself is that now you have to see her daily during work hours and re coping with all day in and out, hope it eases up for you in time. Maybe she confessed to her husband and he forgave her and is why she is focusing on her married relationship now. Best to respect that.

 

Thanks Sarah_Smiles. I did ask why and she basically said that despite what we had going on making things better for her relationship in terms of less arguments and having more sex because of how we would turn eachother on with pics and vids as well as the dirty txting, she found the guilt of it after we would say good night too much sometimes. So felt it it best to stop so she didn't feel guilty and rather put up with the arguing and less sex..... Which is exactly what i was also escaping from throughout the whole experience but i never felt guilty about any of it which is why i never wanted it to stop, as things were going good at home, hell better yet i would have loved for us to run away together (i realise that's a stupid day dream but still). And since it stopped last week sure enough things at home have gone back to the way they were and all i can think about is how much i miss what we had and how i wanted so much more with her.... God rereading this i sound so pathetic lmao. I realise it was in both our best interest to stop but still i just wish i could get over her. Ah well

[BaileyB]

Respectfully, it’s been a week. When you breakup under normal circumstance, it takes longer than a few days to get over the relationship... give it time.

 

In this case, this relationship was your chosen coping strategy to deal with the issues in your primary relationships - escape and avoidance. You have now lost your way of coping, meaning that you will both have to suffer and/or deal with the problems at home that allowed you to get into this affair... and that will be challenging consider how you have chosen to deal with the situation in the past.

 

If I may, I think you need to think long and hard about the fact that you say you were able to do this and not feel any guilt. Guilt is a normal response when you are doing something to betray another person, particularly someone with whom you are in a committed relationship. That speaks volumes about your relationship and/or who you are as a person... there is the potential for growth here - to become a better person and make some decisions that will lead you to a better and happier life. Don’t waste this opportunity - I hope you learn from this and make some better/different decisions for your future.

[Bear1987]

Thanks Sarah_Smiles. I did ask why and she basically said that despite what we had going on making things better for her relationship in terms of less arguments and having more sex because of how we would turn eachother on with pics and vids as well as the dirty txting, she found the guilt of it after we would say good night too much sometimes. So felt it it best to stop so she didn't feel guilty and rather put up with the arguing and less sex..... Which is exactly what i was also escaping from throughout the whole experience but i never felt guilty about any of it which is why i never wanted it to stop, as things were going good at home, hell better yet i would have loved for us to run away together (i realise that's a stupid day dream but still). And since it stopped last week sure enough things at home have gone back to the way they were and all i can think about is how much i miss what we had and how i wanted so much more with her.... God rereading this i sound so pathetic lmao. I realise it was in both our best interest to stop but still i just wish i could get over her. Ah well

 

I should add that it wasn't just about the naughty side of things its just that that side of it helped escape the boredom of our relationships. We also talked about everything else under the sun too and its more the emotional connection that I'm brooding about. Dont get me wrong who doesn't love being able to freely talk dirty to an attractive member of the opposite sex and get it in return, but that's just one of the many things that made me fall for her and its the thing that made her feel guilty about the most

[Bear1987]

Respectfully, it’s been a week. When you breakup under normal circumstance, it takes longer than a few days to get over the relationship... give it time.

 

In this case, this relationship was your chosen coping strategy to deal with the issues in your primary relationships - escape and avoidance. You have now lost your way of coping, meaning that you will both have to suffer and/or deal with the problems at home that allowed you to get into this affair... and that will be challenging consider how you have chosen to deal with the situation in the past.

 

If I may, I think you need to think long and hard about the fact that you say you were able to do this and not feel any guilt. Guilt is a normal response when you are doing something to betray another person, particularly someone with whom you are in a committed relationship. That speaks volumes about your relationship and/or who you are as a person... there is the potential for growth here - to become a better person and make some decisions that will lead you to a better and happier life. Don’t waste this opportunity - I hope you learn from this and make some better/different decisions for your future.

 

I get what you're saying and i appreciate it. The point you make about the guilt though is that to me as far as i was concerned we never did anything physical besides hug, so i didn't see it as cheating. The only reason I consider it an affair is because of the emotional connection we have/had. Maybe i should feel guilty about being naughty over text and different forms of media with this woman, but in all honesty i didn't see that side of things as wrong and i still dont feel guilty. If that makes me a horrible person then so be it. If we had done anything more than hug maybe I'd have said otherwise.

[BaileyB]

The point you make about the guilt though is that to me as far as i was concerned we never did anything physical besides hug, so i didn't see it as cheating. In all honesty i didn't see that side of things as wrong and i still dont feel guilty. If we had done anything more than hug maybe I'd have said otherwise.

 

You called it an emotional affair in your title, but now - it’s not cheating? It’s the Bill Clinton defence - “I did not have sex with that woman...”

 

If you asked any woman whether they considered their partner turning away from them to develop an intimate emotional relationship with another woman... they would not be happy. If you are honest with yourself, it’s highly likely that had this relationship continued, YOU would have taken it to a physical level. You have talked about wanting to run away with this woman... it was likely only a matter of time until it because physical. Whether you want to argue semantics or not, you had turned away from your partner and that is a problem for your relationship...

[FMW]

When you have deep feelings for someone it takes a long time to get to the point where you don't still feel the pain of losing them. Sorry, but yes, a long time.

 

I think it's important to accept and realize that yes, you definitely did cheat on your fiance. You gave this other woman a type of emotional intimacy that shouldn't be shared with someone else when you already have a partner. And the fact that you are hurting so much at losing it tells you how much you had invested in her.

[Vivir]

Respectfully, you will have to take action to get over your feelings for this other woman and to get past this affair. You will have to take action in your relationship to make it one you want to be in, if you are intent on staying in it and not being miserable.

 

I wallow, so I know all about wallowing. Don't get me wrong; you are entitled to feel your feelings. And writing them out here for everyone to read (and you to reread) will likely help you sort through the muck you have created and now find yourself in up to your neck...

 

No free passes. No time jumping. Unfortunately, you will have to live with your heartbreak and your poor choices. You will have to take action to stop pining for this woman, to get over how she cannot be in your life in the capacity you want her to be, to make peace with what has happened and how it has affected your work space...

 

What actions can you take right now to get started? You can start by saying to yourself that although you want her, she decided to stay with her husband. Although you say you want her, you decided to stay with your original partner. These were decisions the two of you made. Why did you make the decision? Why was this the best decision for you to have made? Change your thoughts, change your mind. Or be miserable (which I don't advise).

[Bear1987]

Respectfully, you will have to take action to get over your feelings for this other woman and to get past this affair. You will have to take action in your relationship to make it one you want to be in, if you are intent on staying in it and not being miserable.

 

 

Ok thanks for the support and same to everyone who has either criticised or tried to advise.

The reason i stayed with my partner partly out of cowardice and partly because I still do love her..... and yes im aware of how much of a dick i must sound. The problem I fell incredibly hard for the other woman too.

 

No she's ended it i dunno how to get over her. She acts in work like we've always been friends and nothing more most of the time, but then will occasionally say things that are the sort of thing we'd say when having the affair. I don't know what is best to do, my friend and colleague said block her from Snapchat and keep communication to an absolute minimum. Yet every day starts off the same, a txt from her saying good morning. Followed by us chatting the whole way to work and then I'll try to avoid her all day except the same friend will drag me to where she works to see her sister he fancies and she vis versa, and then they take it in turns sitting with us at lunch.

 

Then the day always ends with me and her txting on the way home and at night after our partners fall asleep. She says she wanted to end the affair due to guilt yet it feels like she is sending mixed signals and i don't know what to do because i never wanted it to end and had she said it I'd have left my partner and kids for her in a heart beat and she knows it too.

 

I'm sure to some people i sound like an absolute dickhead as I've been emotionally unfaithful to my partner but our relationship has been dying for ages and i cant keep feeling like I'm the only one fighting to save it, which is why i started falling for this girl in the first place. But in my defense, yes i fancied her from the moment i laid eyes on her on my first day but i never set out to fall for her nor ever start any kind of affair. I wish i could rewind time and not do it or better yet tell this girl exactly how I feel about her but i know time travel is impossible and confessing my love would be an absolutely awful mistake. But every time i see her i just want to tell her.

 

She means so much to me and has pulled me back from several extremely dark depressive bouts and no matter how i word it she just thinks I'm being an idiot, when in fact i know I'd probably be ashes in an urn right now had it not been for her. Like one time she saw me at lunch, i was trying not to cry because it was getting too hard to cope anymore and i left to go a pee, when i came back i saw she was gone and then i saw a note saying "stay strong, be happy" and as stupid as it sounds, the fact she noticed and cared enough just to leave a note because she knows how i don't like to do admit to others or accept help in those moods.

 

And especially as whenever I'm depressed my partner just tells me to cheer up (thanks babe why didn't i think of that), it just reminded me that there are people who care about me and i think that's when i first properly fell for her as opposed to simply fancying her....... Sorry i know that was probably random but i just wanted you to understand that it wasn't just me thinking she was really sexy and wanted to leave my partner on looks alone or because of our chats, but because of all the times she's cared for me when no one else has.

 

And because of that i don't think actually i know, I'm in love with her and i wish i could tell her.

Edited February 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[MetallicHue]

You’re not a loser. I developed a very strong emotional connection with someone at work myself so I can relate here. I think when there are holes in the relationship you may look to ease them from elsewhere. That’s exactly what I did. However I chose to put the kabosh on things and work on things in my own relationship. I think you need to decide what you want to do. You can try and work on things or move on. It sounds like this other person is indecisive. But regardless you are in a broken relationship. I think you should think hard about what you really want to do.

[Amethyst68]

Don't fool yourself, you are still cheating. You are still in the middle of your EA!

 

Does your partner know about this friendship , that you start and end each day texting each other, contacting each other traveling to and from work not to mention lunching together each day (handy excuse that your friend drags you to lunch). Friendships aren't carried out in secret!

 

If you're serious about detaching you need to go NC, no more texting or messing and no more lunching.

 

The fact you would have left your partner, your children for this woman, please tell your partner, she deserves the truth and the opportunity to make an informed choice about her own life rather than be your back up plan.

 

Oh and as for your little post-it story, the sentiment is basically the same, be happy and cheer up plus remember your OW is seeing the best you. Your partner on the other have is getting you depressed because you're with her and not the OW.

Edited February 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Bear1987]

I get what you're saying. I never said my mate drags me to lunch, rather he drags me to their office to see the sis. The OW comes to me every day for lunch.

And i never said it was my partner getting me down merely not being supportive. I wont go into what caused me to get in a depressed state however i got to a point where i was begining to see only one way out of it, it was the OW who was there without me even saying anything. Meanwhile my partner just ignored me and when i did try talk about what was making me feel that way, she'd tell me to just cheer up already or it would start an argument.

As for seeing certain sides of me, we see all sides of each other. We talk everyday on text and in person and we've seen each other in our happiest moods, dark moods and angry. We get told all the time by her sis and my mate that we talk to each other like we've been married for 10 years or something so its not like we only see each others happy sides.

Edited February 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Bear1987]

You’re not a loser. I developed a very strong emotional connection with someone at work myself so I can relate here. I think when there are holes in the relationship you may look to ease them from elsewhere. That’s exactly what I did. However I chose to put the kabosh on things and work on things in my own relationship. I think you need to decide what you want to do. You can try and work on things or move on. It sounds like this other person is indecisive. But regardless you are in a broken relationship. I think you should think hard about what you really want to do.

 

Thanks for the advice. I'm glad you understand what I'm talking about.

I know what i want to do but i know it will never happen so guess i got to focus on my relationship.

Just don't know if it would help getting how i feel about her off my chest, especially to her, what do you reckon?

[Amethyst68]

I know what i want to do but i know it will never happen so guess i got to focus on my relationship.

 

 

Look at the above statement, it's obvious you're not invested in your relationship. Why do you not think it is fair to give your partner the information she needs to make an informed decision about her own life. Surely she deserves more than for you to make her your plan b or back up plan without even knowing her relationship was in danger? What will happen the next time you become attracted to someone new?

 

 

Oh and there is no way a few hours texting and having lunch 5 days a week comes close to having a real relationship with all the stressors that has, especially when you have to add in young children. You have haven't been anywhere like an old married couple, that's one of those throwaway cutesy things people say.

Edited February 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[NotADayGoesBy]

I forget which pp said it, but you are still in this EA. You are getting mixed signals from her because she may want to end it for her marriage , but is finding it difficult to give you up. You need to stop texting all day and meeting for lunch.

 

I get it—I had a mostly EA with someone at work that I didn’t want to end (he ended it). But you have to look at this as a wake up call and opportunity to fix what is broken with your fiancé. It’s hard and will be uncomfortable. But you need to stop interacting with yiur AP if you are going to try and give your all to your other relationship. I’m months down the road and I’m still struggling and I didn’t have even a quarter of the interaction with my AP the you have with yours. It will only get worse the longer it lasts. And eventually, one of you will get caught.

 

Don’t tell her how you feel. I understand the urge, but in this situation neither of you is free to act on it anyway. It’s a bad idea.

[Bear1987]

So i know its been a while since i posted anything on here, but thought I'd post an update on the whole situation.....

We're stopped texting as much for about 2 weeks but still had lunch dates because she wanted to try to focus on her marriage more, which i completely understood but after 2 weeks she realised that he was still ignoring her and paying too much attention to his phone and not her. So things went back to normal after that without any dirty pics i should add. Then last week she got told that her husband was actually planning to cheat on her by the woman he was going to cheat with. Turned out he told his wife he was going to be doing an all nighter at work as a favour to his boss but had actually booked a room for him and some woman but she backed out at the last minute and sent his wife a message saying he lied and sent her screenshots to prove it. Anyway long story short, turned out not only did he do that but also sent this woman a pic of his wife showing her vagina to compare and some how is still staying with him after he betrayed her trust like that. I honestly don't understand, not saying me or her are saints but neither one of us ever booked a room and sent eachother pics of our other halves for comparison. I can understand her forgiving him for going to meet the woman as he never actually cheated but how can she forgive him for sending some random person who he planned to have sex with behind her back an intimate picture she sent him out of trust. It honestly blows my mind. All that I keep thinking is i want to kick his ass for being such a scum bag, again i know its almost pot kettle but seeing her hurt the next morning at work broke my heart, I walked straight up to her and gave her the biggest hug and had to fight with everything i had to tell her how i felt about her at the time. And now she's decided to try forgiving him all because of the advice from their couples therapist...... Lets be honest we all know really that therapist just told her to try and make it work so they could continue making money from them.

How can she forgive him for what he did I don't honestly understand.

Anyway sorry for the long ass rant, just really wanted to get it off my chest

[preraph]

Dude, there is no telling how many strangers on the internet she is sending flirtations and nude texts to. Frankly they sound like two of a kind.

[Amethyst68]

Stopping texting means nothing when you're still seeing each other for lunch 5 days out of 7, I'm assuming you're not actually meeting up at the weekends!

 

 

 

Look at you being all angry at her husband for upsetting your OW for planning to cheat and having a short EA. Now try and picture the devastation your partner will go through when she finds out about your significantly worse affair. You do remember her?

[whichwayisup]

You don't know their home dynamic and obviously neither of them are ready to divorce. Who knows what goes on behind closed doors.

 

If she wanted to divorce, she would! Instead she's not.

 

I hope you see you deserve better and not to waste anymore time on her. Their life is drama and (she is drama!) you'll just continue to be sucked into her life and problems. Notice it's all about her??

[Amethyst68]

The OP is not exactly an innocent party here whichwayisup.

 

 

 

The guy is engaged and lives with his fiancee and kids. OP, is there any part of you that still wants to be with your fiancee at all? If there is you need to go completely NC and get a new job asap. Ideally you'd tell your fiancee as well!

[anika99]

You and your OW are really lost in lala land. The two of you being offended by her husband's actions is really laughable. How he do to her exactly what we are doing! The nerve of him!

 

I know you believe his actions are somehow worse than yours but he probably justifies his actions just like you and your OW justify your own behaviour. You feel so bad for your OW that her husband almost had sex with another woman but you show none of the same empathy for your fiancee.

 

Your OW is using you. She wants her marriage but she wants to keep you around to stroke her ego and make her feel good and she's willing to lie as much as she has too in order to achieve that. Bet she didn't the couples therapist or her husband about her inappropriate relationship with you? She goes to therapy and lies. Says a lot about her character. She has decided to forgive her husband because she knows she's no better than him.

 

Frankly the only one who seems to have any character or integrity in this mess is your wife. Do you think her life is a bed of roses? That she wakes up everyday living the dream? Do you think she doesn't have any complaints about you? She's holding down the fort, taking care of the kids, while you, your OW and her husband are all acting like selfish children with all your dishonesty, cheating and finger pointing. Your wife sounds like the only adult in this mess. If you can't be a loyal partner to your spouse then at least be honest with her so she can decide if she wants to spend her life with a man who is in love with another woman.

[BaileyB]

It honestly blows my mind. All that I keep thinking is i want to kick his ass for being such a scum bag.

 

It honestly blows my mind that you are sleeping with his wife and you want to kick HIS ass for being such a scum bag... boy, have you lost perspective here.