anika99 Posted May 5, 2019 Share Posted May 5, 2019 (edited) The OP is not sleeping with his OW. They are having an emotional affair that in the past included sexting and sharing inappropriate photos. Since the OP hasn't actually had sex with the OW he believes he technically isn't cheating. Which is why he think's he's better than the OW husband who was planning to have sex with someone but it never happened because his date called it off. So now the OP is playing a game of "who's worse" and judging everyone but himself and his OW. Edited May 5, 2019 by anika99 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted May 5, 2019 Share Posted May 5, 2019 All of the below is just IMO: It's been said already, but I think the real problem (for you) is that you need to end your engagement. Since you won't do that, you're stuck with this. It sounds like you may have limerence for your EAP. You may wish to research this (Wikipedia should be fine). This will take a long time to fade, esp. if you are around her a lot. Your EAP's problem (apart from validation issues) is she is married to a sociopath IMO. Cheating may be awful, but who does that with a p****-pic? To me it feels worse. Yikes... Or possibly he simply totally and completely hates her. She might be a sociopath too - sometimes its hard to tell. You should speak to a lawyer about the status of your children should you and your fiancee break up (many family lawyers will give free 1/2 hour consults). The reason is that there is a chance that your EA will now come out due to his PA attempt. If it does, he may call your fiancee or insist that she does in order to put an end to it. A reasonable chance of this. The root of this is that all four of you (your wife included) seem to be trying to stick it out in genuinely bad relationships. The path out of this is clear. Either do a LOT of work on the relationship or leave. But no one seems willing to take it (yet). Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted May 5, 2019 Share Posted May 5, 2019 Maybe the husband has found the unfortunate photos the MW has been sending the OP and this is his way of getting revenge. Maybe this other girl didn't ready ever exist, just a thought, who knows.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bear1987 Posted May 6, 2019 Author Share Posted May 6, 2019 Firstly I'd like to say thank you all for your opinions. Secondly I am well aware i am not a perfect partner, but i am trying. Im sure to you guys it probably doesn't sound like I'm trying to get over this OW but just because i dont post daily updates doesn't mean I'm not. I'm not trying to justify what i have done, and if you guys must know i have actually told my fiancée i talk to this OW outside of work. I might not have come clean about the rest but I'm working on it. The woman who my EAP's husband was going to cheat with does exist as she sent screenshots to the wife and as soon as she confronted him he had a panic attack and collapsed in the shower...... The reason i want to kick his ass and don't understand why shes with him is because, where as ours was a fantasy thing, his was actually real. And cheating aside what he did was worse than what me and her did because he not only sent oics of himself but also a pic of his wifes p**** to this other woman because apparently she wanted to compare herself to her. IMO thats worse than cheating because he sent a private pic his wife sent him to not only some random person but the person he was planning on sleeping with. I'm in no way saying I'm a saint, i just dont understand why she's still with him. What he did is far worse than what we did. Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted May 6, 2019 Share Posted May 6, 2019 So let me see if I get this straight. A married woman's boyfriend is going to come over and kick her husband's a** for cheating on her? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted May 6, 2019 Share Posted May 6, 2019 What he did is far worse than what we did. Just so you know - on this specific point: some folks strongly believe that a long-lived EA is actually worse than a short lived and ultimately meaningless PA. The logic being that since emotional bonding occurred the EA "meant" more. As a guy, I had some trouble understanding this POV; however you should be aware that it's quite a valid one given the logic behind it. I get feeling minimal guilt due to no physical contact as I'm this way myself, but that's no guarantee your fiancee will see it that way. I do agree that the picture thing is quite ****ed up; but, if you think about it, isn't the whole situation ****ed up? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bear1987 Posted May 6, 2019 Author Share Posted May 6, 2019 Just so you know - on this specific point: some folks strongly believe that a long-lived EA is actually worse than a short lived and ultimately meaningless PA. The logic being that since emotional bonding occurred the EA "meant" more. As a guy, I had some trouble understanding this POV; however you should be aware that it's quite a valid one given the logic behind it. I get feeling minimal guilt due to no physical contact as I'm this way myself, but that's no guarantee your fiancee will see it that way. I do agree that the picture thing is quite ****ed up; but, if you think about it, isn't the whole situation ****ed up? I'm so glad you can see where I'm coming from as right now i just feel like people are coming here to call me a c*** (thought these forums where here for advice/support)..... Yeah i can see the logic in it, and you're right its all f***ed up. I mean the fact I'm pissed at the guy for doing what I'd do with his wife in a heartbeat makes no logical sense. All i can say is (and i know this doesn't help me look good either) i really care about my EAP like a lot, and there isnt much i wouldn't do for her tbh. But when she msg'd me that night telling me what had happened and i saw her the next day, the sight of her broke my heart. I said it already i know I'm not a perfect fiance, I'm more than aware, but I'd never send private pics of my fiance to someone i was making plans to sleep with. That to me is a whole nother level of scumbag....... Again i know i am too Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 6, 2019 Share Posted May 6, 2019 All i can say is (and i know this doesn't help me look good either) i really care about my EAP like a lot, and there isnt much i wouldn't do for her tbh. But when she msg'd me that night telling me what had happened and i saw her the next day, the sight of her broke my heart. That to me is a whole nother level of scumbag..... Rather than pointing your finger at this other man, perhaps the best thing to do is to extradite yourself from the situation. I know that you care for this woman. But, she is with this man of her own free will. Some people are attracted to the drama - and a woman who stays with a man who does something this disrespectful/a woman who engaged in an extramarital relationship with another man - is definitely a woman who is drawn to unhealthy, drama filled relationships. If she really wanted to leave this man and be with you, she would make that decision. The fact that she hasn't done that should make your path pretty darn clear... get out of the drama, before this man comes looking for the person who is inserting himself into his marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bear1987 Posted May 8, 2019 Author Share Posted May 8, 2019 Thanks Bailey. I realise i should extradite myself from the situation, but seeing her that day she first told me broke my heart. And i really do get the irony of me feeling that way for her when my SO would probably feel like that or worse. Thing is i dont really care if she leaves him for me at this point. I just dont get why shes staying with him, he's already put her in a load of debt by using a card in her name and now this. He's a lazy fat slob who always has his head in his phone and pays her no attention. That's the reason she started sending me flirty messages and sexy pics in the first place, and it was the same my end too. I can see exactly what you mean about her being drawn to drama, i tell myself this a lot. I really do try to not message her etc, but she makes me smile and has been there for me through some really hard times. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 8, 2019 Share Posted May 8, 2019 Thanks Bailey. I realise i should extradite myself from the situation, but seeing her that day she first told me broke my heart. And i really do get the irony of me feeling that way for her when my SO would probably feel like that or worse. Thing is i dont really care if she leaves him for me at this point. I just dont get why shes staying with him, he's already put her in a load of debt by using a card in her name and now this. He's a lazy fat slob who always has his head in his phone and pays her no attention. That's the reason she started sending me flirty messages and sexy pics in the first place, and it was the same my end too. I can see exactly what you mean about her being drawn to drama, i tell myself this a lot. I really do try to not message her etc, but she makes me smile and has been there for me through some really hard times. It’s entirely your decision, whether you stay or go Bear. To take it one step further, I would suggest that there is a part of you that is attracted to the drama of it all too. You got yourself involved and you refuse to walk away from a situation that most other people would run from... it seems to me, that you have a bit of “the white knight” syndrome and that’s not necessarily a healthy thing. Like any investment, you have to ask yourself if this is worth the risk and will there be a return on your investment? It would most definitely not be worth the risk for me and to this point, I don’t know that you’ve gotten much in return except a whole lot of stress. But, as always... it’s your decision whether you stay in this very unhealthy situation or not. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted May 8, 2019 Share Posted May 8, 2019 (edited) don't you see... I know you see her husband as being a jerk, but ask yourself this. How do you know he wasn't a nice enough guy to start with( I mean she picked him at some point...if he was such a @ss, why would she do that?) and being with her wore him down. How do you know she hasn't cheated before? There is a very good chance, especially where this is an emotional affair, that she has done this before. It could well be that he just had enough and decided to engage in a little bit of tit for tat ( no pun intended, and I am not excusing his actions...I have no use for revenge affairs) Now you may well be thinking " I know her...she's nothing like that. She would NEVER have cheated". Well, that's bull. She cheated with you, and if you think you're somehow special or different, you're wrong. I would ask you to also give you wife the same respect and consideration you want shown to your ow. if you don't think you can be faithful, then let her go. that will really hurt her in the short term, but in the long term, it will be far kinder than stringing her along while you try and figure out this second relationship. Edited May 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator fixed spacing 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Betrayed&Stayed Posted May 9, 2019 Share Posted May 9, 2019 I'm sure to some people i sound like an absolute dickhead as I've been emotionally unfaithful to my partner but our relationship has been dying for ages and i cant keep feeling like I'm the only one fighting to save it, which is why i started falling for this girl in the first place. Why are you still engaged?? When someone states "fighting to save it" it is usually 10-20 years down the road; not during the engagement period. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bear1987 Posted May 9, 2019 Author Share Posted May 9, 2019 Why are you still engaged?? When someone states "fighting to save it" it is usually 10-20 years down the road; not during the engagement period. We've been together for 10yrs Link to post Share on other sites
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