Has She Gone For Good?

[BadMistakes]

Hello guys I will try to keep this short and will really appreciate any help as I'm on an all time low.

 

Me and my ex were together just over 2 years, we had a rocky relationship mainly due to arguing online but we truly loved each other. Anyway in September things came to an end as right after our holiday we had a big fight and I had grown tired of arguing and chasing her so i left for good and FELT good too, even though I missed her I had so much bad baggage on my mind I convinced myself I couldn't go back.

 

We pretty much had no contact with a few random texts here and there in particular she contacted me saying "you never used to be online that much with me" so I guess she was stalking me on whatsapp despite her blocking me, but for the most part was no contact. Then in end of Oct or start of Nov she contacted me saying; "I need you, I feel so bad, I really need you right now please come to see me" I called her on the phone and she was in tears I asked her jokingly "did you have a bad date or what..." she said yes and I was worried she maybe got raped or someone hurt her etc.

 

Turned out the guy she was dating had some overdose and heart condition and had a seizure/fit idk it's besides the point anyway. So we met she confessed her love for me and that she missed me so much etc. We then started to see each other again and in a new light, we didn't argue things felt good, we spoke, enjoyed being with each other and what have you.

 

However things got a bit rocky, we had some arguments because she was under the impression that I wasn't that interested and I was a bit confused at first and was trying to play it "too cool" but anyway we continued to be with each other and was still okay. Now then skip 2 weeks back we had a huge fight online, calling each other anything and everything to hurt each other (including me I said some horrible stuff) I then also said that I'm done with her going to block her and she was just angry at the time but after our fight I didn't bother contacting her 5 days later and this is where it all began....

 

I asked her has she been with someone else she said "yeah what do you expect, you made me do it, you made me so unhappy I'm done with you for good" I then sort of broke down really bad over text and she then called me instantly asking whats wrong and if I'm okay, she agreed to see me at our local pub, we spoke about things a bit and she said she doesn't know what she wants anymore and that she loved me so much but I just showed her no attention. I then asked her if she slept with someone and she said no and denied it even though the texts said otherwise, she said she is seeing someone now (some guy from uni) and that they tried to have sex but he couldn't get hard or something.

 

Anyway then I slept her place (nothing happened) and went to work next day, 2 days went by and she didn't speak to me then randomly asked "hi you okay, maybe we can meet these days" I then replied etc and she ended the convo by saying "okay take care speak these days....x" and then when I contacted her later on in the week to meet she just ignored. However she did contact me asking why I called her one night so much (I drunk dialed stupid I know) and then when I told her some excuse she was still getting angry etc as if she cared where I was and ended by saying she doesnt want anymore contact with me.

 

So then bare with me please. It was her birthday on 24th and I had already bought presents from before so I asked her if she can meet me so I can give them and go, she came to meet me with two of our mutual friends (they were hanging out as it is when I text her) after I went to her place, she opened them was very happy but also really panicced and anxious. She did say to me a few times "maybe I don't love you anymore, you can't buy me presents and think I'll come back or that we'll spend xmas together". Anyway next day she text saying how much she loves them and how nice they are and that she feels overwhelmed, from my part I wanted to do this for her as she has no one here and she said how she wasn't in the mood for anything this year because feeling so sad. Anyway I asked her if she wants to have some drinks for her birthday and she said "we can meet tomorrow if you want to spend xmas with me? maybe not a good idea but idk"

 

We met for xmas, first I went to her place where we spoke and she said she loves me but in a different way and that she still has feelings for me but they're almost gone and how she doesn't know what she wants to do anymore. I then asked her about this guy she is dating from uni and she said she doesn't find him attractive at all but he's nice to her and gives her attention, then I also asked about if she slept with him or not and she still denied and said "I can't be with him anyway he's so tall and fat but he has really really small penis" I'm not sure how true this last part is or not but I don't think she'd say something like this for no reason if anything she'd say opposite to hurt me...

 

However when we went to our mutual friends place for xmas she would still look at me a lot, touch me, play with me how she used but at the same time I know her and this guy talk a lot, I even heard them speaking on the phone few times, once she went to toilet to talk to him. The next day she asked if I want to sleep with her and to have sex, so we went to her place, had a lot of sex and were kissing etc, she was asking if I love her maybe she was a bit tipsy/drunk but at same time she was saying "just because we're doing this doesn't mean we're together again" and also saying maybe we can meet sometimes to have sex and stuff, also expressing how much I make her horny and that she's never felt like this with anyone else, also said how she loved me the most out of all of her boyfriends.

 

So that was my last contact with her, if I text her stuff she doesn't really reply, especially if I try to initiate meeting up, but if I send her some video clip or something she'll reply....

 

I've gone mad over this, I'm not eating anything all day, I have lost my appetite and my mind is going mad over this situation all day everyday...last night I even went to her place at like 2am to see if she was out or not and she was which made me even more upset.

 

Can someone explain to me what is happening here?

[ExpatInItaly]

You’ve essentially accepted a demotion to FWB while she is dating someone else. She obviously likes him more than she lets on to you, and my guess is that’s where her attention is now. You made her feel good when she was unsure about him, but it appears she’s more certain about moving on now.

 

Honestly, it sounds like there is a lot of growing up to do on both sides- all this online fighting and name-calling and back-and-forth is quite immature, don’t you think? It seems like it’s better that it’s over.

 

Stop reaching out to her. Recognize that you two don’t work well as a couple and were right to break up to begin with.

[BadMistakes]

You’ve essentially accepted a demotion to FWB while she is dating someone else. She obviously likes him more than she lets on to you, and my guess is that’s where her attention is now. You made her feel good when she was unsure about him, but it appears she’s more certain about moving on now.

 

Honestly, it sounds like there is a lot of growing up to do on both sides- all this online fighting and name-calling and back-and-forth is quite immature, don’t you think? It seems like it’s better that it’s over.

 

Stop reaching out to her. Recognize that you two don’t work well as a couple and were right to break up to begin with.

 

I agree that we are immature at times but how can she jump into a relationship just days after we broke up? She kept saying it's too late which makes me think they did sleep with each other and yes in reality I need to stop trying to talk with her as she doesn't even bother to talk with me

 

Also why has she sent mixed signals? saying she wants to meet sometimes, that she doesn't want the new year to start and not to know me, also asking me to meet that week. It's like she's been hurt and wants to just forget about me asap but still has feelings, she told me directly she still has feelings for me but that it's not right anymore etc

Edited December 29, 2018 by BadMistakes

[ExpatInItaly]

I agree that we are immature at times but how can she jump into a relationship just days after we broke up? She kept saying it's too late which makes me think they did sleep with each other and yes in reality I need to stop trying to talk with her as she doesn't even bother to talk with me

Either because she was looking to fill a void, or she was already emotionally checked out of your relationship too.

 

Also why has she sent mixed signals? saying she wants to meet sometimes, that she doesn't want the new year to start and not to know me, also asking me to meet that week. It's like she's been hurt and wants to just forget about me asap but still has feelings, she told me directly she still has feelings for me but that it's not right anymore etc

I've addressed this already; she likely does this because she wasn't so sure about the new guy and wanted to keep you on stand-by in case it didn't work out. Now that it appears to be going more smoothly, she doesn't need you as Plan B anymore.

 

Sure, she might have a few lingering feelings but it's not enough to try again. She is exploring other options now. I don't necessarily agree she is just trying to forget about you; I think her attachment to you really has decreased dramatically and she realizes you two are better off apart. Her interest is somewhere else now. Her complete lack of initiative in talking to you now is a reflection of that.

 

It hurts, but you need to move toward acceptance that this is over so you can heal.

Edited December 29, 2018 by ExpatInItaly

[preraph]

She wants a boyfriend who gives her as much attention as she wants. Now, I have no idea if you're giving her a normal amount of attention or not, but that's what she says, so that's what she wants. She is attracted to you but just feels it's not working out the way she envisions. You fight too much. I would say if you have a personality difference that can't be compromised, then it's over except she'll come around for sex until she finds a guy who is a better balance than the one she has now or you. It's up to you if you stick around for it, of course.

[BadMistakes]

She wants a boyfriend who gives her as much attention as she wants. Now, I have no idea if you're giving her a normal amount of attention or not, but that's what she says, so that's what she wants. She is attracted to you but just feels it's not working out the way she envisions. You fight too much. I would say if you have a personality difference that can't be compromised, then it's over except she'll come around for sex until she finds a guy who is a better balance than the one she has now or you. It's up to you if you stick around for it, of course.

 

Thank you for the reply, yes that's what she said to me directly when I asked her why she see's him if she doesn't find him attractive and can't be with him because of his penis size and she said "because he gives me attention and treats me nice"

 

I wasn't giving her much attention to be honest, not how I used to which is why she fell in love with me in the first place.

[preraph]

Well, we're all more excited with a person when we first meet them and trying to please them and also still excited to get to know them. I mean, it's nice to be flexible enough to satisfy someone's attention needs, but there are people who just can never be satisfied, so if it's a big gulf between how they are and how you are, it's just not a good match, I guess. But you can see by this that her emotional/attention needs are more important to her than the physical needs, and I think that's usually the case with women (I'm a woman).

[BadMistakes]

Well, we're all more excited with a person when we first meet them and trying to please them and also still excited to get to know them. I mean, it's nice to be flexible enough to satisfy someone's attention needs, but there are people who just can never be satisfied, so if it's a big gulf between how they are and how you are, it's just not a good match, I guess. But you can see by this that her emotional/attention needs are more important to her than the physical needs, and I think that's usually the case with women (I'm a woman).

 

Yes she is quite emotional/sensitive and she did try to give me so many signals that she needs more attention but I was just so stupid now reading back...

 

What do you think I should do? I am in a very bad place at the moment, I don't have a big social circle, I'm thinking about her non stop, I don't even want to see other girls or anything. I'm thinking of just to stop contacting her, don't even send a happy new years message or anything but I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do or should I try to contact her?

 

She still has feelings for me I know but what can I do about it now? is it best to leave it and just move on and if she wants to come back she will come back...?

[ExpatInItaly]

She still has feelings for me I know but what can I do about it now? is it best to leave it and just move on and if she wants to come back she will come back...?

 

If her feelings were significant, she would likely be open to trying again with you. She is showing you that she is not in that place right now.

 

And really, I think she needs time to mature before a serious relationship is even in the cards. It speaks poorly of her that she would even be discussing her attraction to her new guy with you, let alone speak of his supposed lack of physical endowment. That's pretty crappy of her and suggests she is still operating from a pretty juvenile mindset that isn't exactly conducive to a great relationship.

 

How old are you both, for reference?

[BadMistakes]

If her feelings were significant, she would likely be open to trying again with you. She is showing you that she is not in that place right now.

 

And really, I think she needs time to mature before a serious relationship is even in the cards. It speaks poorly of her that she would even be discussing her attraction to her new guy with you, let alone speak of his supposed lack of physical endowment. That's pretty crappy of her and suggests she is still operating from a pretty juvenile mindset that isn't exactly conducive to a great relationship.

 

How old are you both, for reference?

 

Well the thing is this isn't our first break up, we've been fighting a lot so she said this time she had enough and I think her sleeping with someone else (even though she says she didn't) probably changed it for her. She said the first time we properly broke up in September she slept with someone but didn't enjoy it and didn't feel right and that she felt like she was cheating on me even though we hadn't spoke for 2 months at that point and I'm guessing this time she didn't care too much...

 

She says she doesn't find him attractive because I ask her if she likes him or something and she just says he's not her type and that she doesn't like him physically but as a person he's nice.

 

And she just turned 29 and I'm 28...

[ExpatInItaly]

She is 29? Good heavens. I was expecting maybe 19 or 20.

 

It's time for you to move on from this. Despite what she says about her new man (regardless of whether it's true), it doesn't change the fact that you two can't seem to make it work.

 

Not all relationships are meant to last. It seems yours ran its course and it's time to move on to greener pastures elsewhere.

[BadMistakes]

So she called me on NYE just asking how I was, we spoke about some things and just general stuff and mid way through she went silent and began to cry and I said don't cry etc and she told me "it's really hard you know" and then we both sort of went silent as I was getting emotional too and didn't want to cry...she also says "you never know what can happen" and then told me to call her later too.

 

oh and she said "we can meet up these days" without me asking so I'm really not sure whats up because if I text her I get no response's

[ExpatInItaly]

If she's still dating this other guy, don't bother meeting up.

 

Let her know you would be open to talking, but only if she is single and not dating someone else. Otherwise, you risk becoming the fall-back guy when things aren't going well in her own love life. It's not a good position, because it means she would take off again once things are smoothed over with her new crush.

[preraph]

If you genuinely think you can change to be the person she wants you to be overnight and not get tired of it and not have resentment then you can always offer to do that. I don't know that what she wants is reasonable and again I feel like it needs to be a two-way compromise.