Karma for Being A Cheater

[elaine567]

I do not get the crowing or the celebration.

This is a guy who is a cheater, probably an alcoholic and a wife beater, and he is the father of your child, is that not a bit of a worry for you and your husband?

 

 

I would be celebrating if he just landed a CEO job, but not the fact he is sliding down into the abyss...

[TheRainbow]

I do not get the crowing or the celebration.

This is a guy who is a cheater, probably an alcoholic and a wife beater, and he is the father of your child, is that not a bit of a worry for you and your husband?

 

 

I would be celebrating if he just landed a CEO job, but not the fact he is sliding down into the abyss...

 

I don't follow. The other man may be the biological father, but he isn't involved, in the eye of the law my husband is the legal father. My husband is finding comfort in him having to deal with the law, which makes him less likely to interfere.

 

Him getting a DUI and beating his wife concerns me. This isn't someone who I ever want to be involved. I'm not really getting much joy out of the whole thing. If anything I feel relieved I hit a huge bullet. If he could hurt his wife, the mother of his other children, what could that mean for me, if I were to have stuck around that state?

[elaine567]

I get that he isn't involved but as his genes are in your child, if I were you, I would be a lot happier if he was making a success out of his life rather than him following this destructive path.

[TheRainbow]

I can't control the choices he makes, anymore then I can control how my husband feels about it. He feels joy because he hates the guy. My husband literally hates the guy. He is attempting to work through the anger for our daughters sake but he's not there yet.

 

I really need to focus on my family.

[bigman1]

This is not good. Your husband is doing 2 things. One is a version of the pick me dance. He is showing you how bad the other guy is so that he, your husband, is the better choice. You even took the bait in your reply where yo uh said what could have happened to you in that state. He is still competing with him. He does not point out every other man's failures, just this guy. It leads to a bad place. I will point out later.

 

Next, this anger is gonna come out on you or your kid with OM. It is not because your husband is a bad guy. It is because hate is like a wild animal. You cannot control it. The child starts looking like OM. OM makes a push for the kid to be involved in his life. Money gets tight and your child needs or wants things and the stress causes a reaction. The combinations on that are endless. Also, at some point, he is gonna really realize that you were an equal participant and hate has very poor aim. It will resurface.

 

He has to deal with his hate. Not just anger, but hate. In your case because you had a child with OM this is the problem. Without a child in common, my point would not be worth mentioning, but that is not your situation.

 

Get him 3rd party help on that. Remember, if he HATES OM, then he hates half of that child. It does not take hate long to connect those dots and then good men say bad things. Indifference is the goal.

[Clay]

There is no karma. Life is what you make it.

 

I personally think Karma is real and not because I want it to be I just think its there. I don't think we will all get the great opportunity to see it but I believe it is there. I do agree life is what you make of it. She wanted to have a affair. She didn't protect herself from getting pregnant while having this affair so now she just opened up herself to a life time of heart and her child will suffer as well. One could hope the OM would grow up and be a decent person so the child would really have a good chance to have a good Biological father to help but sadly it doesn't look that way.

 

OP will just have to live with the life she has created for herself and the fallout that her family will probably continue to suffer. I think the hard will sincerely has not really even started yet. Once this OM decides he wants to be in his childs life and Op's husband has an issue with her this is when she will have to make some seriously hard choices that will effect the rest of her life and her child's life.

 

So I think that in itself is Karma.

[TheRainbow]

My husband told me today that any karma that comes my way will be self-inflicted, because in his words I'm punishing myself, and until I let go of the guilt, and use that to propel myself to move forward, I'll continue to hold myself back.

[JuneL]

It isn't about me, but doesn't mean I can't have a reaction to it. A moment of gratitude and gratefulness for what I still do have. I'm letting my husband feel a sense of justice, and I'm sharing my feelings and my regret on here.

 

And where is the justice to your (once very dear) OM’s estranged wife and their poor kids?

[JuneL]

p.s. Some have spoken here of your husband like a siant. I just see two very selfish people here. Sorry!

 

Happy new year!!

[TheRainbow]

Can anyone really blame him for being selfish? Besides my daughter and the other man's children, the OBS and my husband got a really raw deal. My daughter was planned, and the fact she isn't biologically my husband really really sucks. But looking at it from my husband's point of view, not only did the other man sleep with his wife (me) he finds out the baby he thought was his, isn't biologically his. He just wants him to go away, but having that link sucks. It doesn't mean he doesn't have empathy for the other man's wife. He even said that he hopes she gets justice and things get better for her.

 

The whole point of what I was trying to go for was that bad **** is happening to the other man, no sympathy from me because he made his own bed, but keep thinking what is coming my way. Selfish thinking, for sure, but I do believe karma will get me too. I just wish it didn't have to come at the expense of the victims in all this.

[JuneL]

Well then your husband is barking up the wrong tree. You are solely responsible for screwing his life and the lives of your kids. Your OM is responsible for ruining the lives of his wife and his children.

 

Can anyone really blame him for being selfish? Besides my daughter and the other man's children, the OBS and my husband got a really raw deal. My daughter was planned, and the fact she isn't biologically my husband really really sucks. But looking at it from my husband's point of view, not only did the other man sleep with his wife (me) he finds out the baby he thought was his, isn't biologically his. He just wants him to go away, but having that link sucks. It doesn't mean he doesn't have empathy for the other man's wife. He even said that he hopes she gets justice and things get better for her.

 

The whole point of what I was trying to go for was that bad **** is happening to the other man, no sympathy from me because he made his own bed, but keep thinking what is coming my way. Selfish thinking, for sure, but I do believe karma will get me too. I just wish it didn't have to come at the expense of the victims in all this.

[anika99]

There is no such thing as karma. Its called consequences. If you assault your wife and drive drunk then you get arrested. What on earth does your affair have to do with it. The other man could have 20 affairs and never get arrested. His arrest has everything to do with his choice to hit his wife and to drive under the influence and zero to do with your affair.

 

The idea of karma makes no sense when you spend a few minutes thinking about it. First of all if there is such a thing as the universe enacting some sort of revenge on us for our wrong doings then most every single one of us have some bad karma coming our way. Pretty much all of us has hurt someone in our lives. Not much fun to gleefully gloat over someone elses "karma" when we have all done wrong in our lives.

 

Secondly we all know reasonably good people who have had horrific events in their lives and we all know some jerk who has led a rather easy life. Even in this case. The OM was arrested for assault and drunk driving, but his wife was the one who got assaulted! Was she getting some sort of deserved karma too? Your husband has been betrayed by you over and over again for years? Is the universe imposing bad karma on him because of somerhing he did wrong? Or is that just the consequence of choosing to stay with a cheating wife?

 

As if the universe cares about who is cheating on who. As if the universe watches and gets even on you or gets revenge for you. People seriously need to get over themselves. The world does not revolve around you and the universe doesnt care what you do. However there are natural consequences for poor decisions. If you don't pay your electric bill your power will be turned off, if you stay up all night you will be tired the next day, and if you get caught driving drunk and assaulting people you will get arrested. Thats not karma thats the consequences of being a dumb jerk. You very well may have to suffer some consequences for cheating and getting pregnant by another man. Like when the day comes when you have to tell your kids the truth, or if your husband leaves you to struggle as a single parent, or if the om never goes away and ends up seeking some sort of relationship with your child. Thats the possible consequence of having a child with an affair partner. Any other unrelated bad events that might come your way is just life. If you get an incurable disease thats just crappy luck, not karma. Plenty of good people, including innocent children get sick everday. Not karma, just life.

 

I think your husband needs counselling. If he had just discovered your betrayel I'd say his hatred of the OM is perfectly understandable but you have been cheating on him for years and he knows that so he is stuck in serious denial. His anger is misplaced because he refuses to wake up and smell the coffee.

Edited January 1, 2019 by anika99

[TheRainbow]

I think your husband needs counselling. If he had just discovered your betrayel I'd say his hatred of the OM is perfectly understandable but you have been cheating on him for years and he knows that so he is stuck in serious denial. His anger is misplaced because he refuses to wake up and smell the coffee.

 

He is in counselling now, reluctantly but he is. Also he is angry at me, just differently. He is putting up up with less bull ****. The other man I know he feels threatened by him. He mocked him and at one point threatened to have the baby taken from me. But that turned out to just be an attempt to get back at him for getting fired.

 

Either way I am sure he'll reach a place of indifference.

[loversquarrel]

If you are expecting bad karma will come your way, what did your husban do that was so egregious to cause him the suffering he is now enduring. What did he do to deserve his "karma"? Do you see your logic?

[TheRainbow]

So the other man wife contacted my husband and told him, to get me to tell her soon to be ex-husband to agree to their divorce terms, or she'll have me subpoenaed to testify. She confirmed that he punched her in front of their two kids, and has filed for an order of protection. Like god, damn it. My husband told me under no circumstances to contact the other man. I don't know what my husband has in mind, but I'm going to trust him. He seems confident it won't come to that.

[RecentChange]

Cheating, unprotected sex, drinking and driving, and spousal abuse have nothing to do with "Karma".

 

That has everything to do with making horrible, selfish choices that harm many.

 

Its hard to pick which despicable behavior is worse. For me, drinking and driving would probably be at the top of the list because its the one most likely to end up in the death of an innocent person.

 

Man that guy is a real piece of work. For your daughter, I certainly hope the man he is, is the result of horrible parenting, or some sort of trauma, ie "nurture" rather than a hereditary mental deficiency.

[TheRainbow]

Cheating, unprotected sex, drinking and driving, and spousal abuse have nothing to do with "Karma".

 

That has everything to do with making horrible, selfish choices that harm many.

 

Its hard to pick which despicable behavior is worse. For me, drinking and driving would probably be at the top of the list because its the one most likely to end up in the death of an innocent person.

 

Man that guy is a real piece of work. For your daughter, I certainly hope the man he is, is the result of horrible parenting, or some sort of trauma, ie "nurture" rather than a hereditary mental deficiency.

 

He is not stupid. He held a high paying position for a long time. It was just poor choices that landed him in the situation he is in. If anything it's me who is less smart. I have a learning disability, which my oldest daughter inherited. In the end, I'm banking on my daughter positive and stable upbringing in helping.

[RecentChange]

Oh, by mental deficiency, I didn't mean stupid.

 

I meant something more along the lines of his sociopathic behavior. I hope, for the sake of your daughter, that it is something he developed, rather than was born with.

 

Poor choices? Horribly selfish choices, immoral choices, violent choices.

 

And I too hope you are able to provide your daughter with a positive and stable upbringing.

 

But being as she was conceived in an affair, you have a fairly dysfunctional marriage, and your husband HATES her father - the situation certainly presents some challenges.

 

I would recommend getting a mental health professional involved sooner than later, especially when it comes to how best to handle telling her the truth about who her father is. That is HUGE - and if not handled right, can be extremely damaging.

[TheRainbow]

Oh, by mental deficiency, I didn't mean stupid.

 

I meant something more along the lines of his sociopathic behavior. I hope, for the sake of your daughter, that it is something he developed, rather than was born with.

 

Poor choices? Horribly selfish choices, immoral choices, violent choices.

 

And I too hope you are able to provide your daughter with a positive and stable upbringing.

 

But being as she was conceived in an affair, you have a fairly dysfunctional marriage, and your husband HATES her father - the situation certainly presents some challenges.

 

I would recommend getting a mental health professional involved sooner than later, especially when it comes to how best to handle telling her the truth about who her father is. That is HUGE - and if not handled right, can be extremely damaging.

 

Considering she is only 11 months old, I still have time yet for that. But my husband as of right now is the legal father, treats as his own, and shows zero resentment toward her.

[bigman1]

Your husband is concerned that people are gonna find out. He is not dealing with this properly, but then again, what is proper in this circumstance? Still, his issues show that this is far from handled and will be problematic later....really bad.

 

As far as the request by the OM Stbx, I think she is just confused. Either she believes, with or without good reason, that you are in contact with OM or she misunderstands the process. That you don't want child support from OM or that there is a presumption that your husband is the father does NOT protect her financial interests.

 

Child support belongs to the child as does inheritance issues. Her lawyer understands that. TYPICALLY, a parent can't waive a child's right to support. Thus, if it is his kid, then that child has a claim on some of his assets, so that issue is gonna have to be litigated. As far as the legal presumption of your husband being the dad, well, if OM hits the lottery or owns property, then your kid is a legally viable claimant. OM is gonna have to give up rights and other formal stuff. His lawyer should know that. Thus, 2 lawyers should understand that some legal process has to be done to clear up those issues and maybe the EX misunderstand the problem.

 

OBS is probably trying to cut your kid out of any claim to her share of OM'S money, and if they have kids (I don't recall) then she is trying to protect their interests in support as that amount depends on number of dependents, or to protect their claims to life insurance, health insurance, property or other assets of his that presently exists or will exist as part of OM's estate upon death. Your kid kinda has a dog in this fight.

 

The legal presumption is rebuttable and where the truth of parentage is known, it may be refuted already. The law of your State controls.

 

Nothing I have said is legal advice and should not be taken as such or relied upon in any manner in making or not making any legal decision. The legal issues are far more complicated and your husband's desire to conceal facts from people may ultimately result in those facts coming out. You guys better lawyer up to get this resolved.

[TheRainbow]

Your husband is concerned that people are gonna find out. He is not dealing with this properly, but then again, what is proper in this circumstance? Still, his issues show that this is far from handled and will be problematic later....really bad.

 

As far as the request by the OM Stbx, I think she is just confused. Either she believes, with or without good reason, that you are in contact with OM or she misunderstands the process. That you don't want child support from OM or that there is a presumption that your husband is the father does NOT protect her financial interests.

 

Child support belongs to the child as does inheritance issues. Her lawyer understands that. TYPICALLY, a parent can't waive a child's right to support. Thus, if it is his kid, then that child has a claim on some of his assets, so that issue is gonna have to be litigated. As far as the legal presumption of your husband being the dad, well, if OM hits the lottery or owns property, then your kid is a legally viable claimant. OM is gonna have to give up rights and other formal stuff. His lawyer should know that. Thus, 2 lawyers should understand that some legal process has to be done to clear up those issues and maybe the EX misunderstand the problem.

 

OBS is probably trying to cut your kid out of any claim to her share of OM'S money, and if they have kids (I don't recall) then she is trying to protect their interests in support as that amount depends on number of dependents, or to protect their claims to life insurance, health insurance, property or other assets of his that presently exists or will exist as part of OM's estate upon death. Your kid kinda has a dog in this fight.

 

The legal presumption is rebuttable and where the truth of parentage is known, it may be refuted already. The law of your State controls.

 

Nothing I have said is legal advice and should not be taken as such or relied upon in any manner in making or not making any legal decision. The legal issues are far more complicated and your husband's desire to conceal facts from people may ultimately result in those facts coming out. You guys better lawyer up to get this resolved.

 

The other man has no rights as of right now. The baby legal father is my husband. But the other man could always petition the court for visitation, which is what we don't want.

[amaysngrace]

If he petitions the court and goes before a judge I doubt s/he’ll look kindly on him due to his recent criminal record. I wouldn’t worry too much about that if I were you.

[bigman1]

My point was NOT that OM wanted visitation. My point was that his stbx is likely concerned with potential child support obligations that could exist as well as claims to OM's money or estate, upon death, that the child could have. Why else would she ask YOU to request that HE sign THEIR agreement? The only other angle is that she presumes that you are still in contact or have some sway over him.

[PerfectJab]

I don't think it is karma and more to do with a pattern of behavior or poor decision making.

 

If you truly are on the path to make yourself a better person, you've put yourself in a situation where you are aware of your faults and as such are less likely to repeat your mistakes. Good on you for realizing this.

 

In your case it's more about redemption than karma.