Logo Posted December 30, 2018 Share Posted December 30, 2018 If you met someone that you immediately had a connection with, and it was an amazing connection, and you went on a few dates, and the dates were great except you started seeing red flags, and you found yourself having an argument, but the rest of the time things were great. Would you stay or get out? Assume this connection felt so special and real that you fantasized about what the future would be like with that person; at times it could be amazing, other times it could be a total mind ****. Would you bother? I suppose what I’m asking is, what are some things, traits, behaviors or comments that you would never put up with no matter what? What’s your tipping point? When do you say to yourself this isn’t for me? Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted December 30, 2018 Share Posted December 30, 2018 Sadly yeah. But it wasn't actually all that that broke us up that was more about circumstances we just couldn't work out. l think if we could've worked those out there probably wouldn't have been a tipping point ever with the stuff your talking about feelings were just too powerful. We probably would've just kept trying to improve forever if that's what it took. We did make some progress so. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Logo Posted December 30, 2018 Author Share Posted December 30, 2018 I’m just not getting the impression that she’s ready to accept that she has room to improve and change. I get the impression that she’s set in her ways and no matter what I try, she’ll always find a way to explain it away and justify it. Link to post Share on other sites
Cersei Posted December 30, 2018 Share Posted December 30, 2018 If I suddenly saw anger issues or drug use I would get out of it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Garcon1986 Posted December 30, 2018 Share Posted December 30, 2018 (edited) Once upon a time in 2014 I met a spectacular woman in Connecticut that I had such a good connection with, that I felt like I was in heaven - I was so surprised I forgot to make out with her on the first date. I eventually got rejected due to some emotional issues she claimed she had, but it was probably a rejection haha. I would ask that my future date be willing to change for the better, and I would demand of myself to know of the difference between making somebody a fixer upper and asking someone to improve for the better. I would never put up with activities damaging to the health or illicit stuff. If a woman stonewalls me and says I should accept her for who she is, I would tell her there's a difference between that and making her life better. Edited December 30, 2018 by Garcon1986 Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted December 30, 2018 Share Posted December 30, 2018 OP, if you see red flags at such an early stage then you have to rely on your gut. A few red flags very early on translates into many red flags very later on. Link to post Share on other sites
Giraffe-A Posted December 30, 2018 Share Posted December 30, 2018 You really can’t change a person. When red flags start going off, talk about it and get their perspective. I personally would not put up with anger, but the qualities of this man far exceeded his temper. When we spoke about, we found the source. At that time it elevated our relationship to a next level. A previous bf whom I had had an initial stronger connection with had a more cruel anger issue that was part of who he was. His temper was the very first thing his mom mentioned when I met her. He raised his fist to my face during one of his outbursts and that was the end of that relationship. He was mad because I made him mad, but he could not articulate why or how and on my end all I saw was one minute we were having fun, the next he was silent. This is not a type of red flag you can hope one day gets better or it can in any shape or form disguise itself by a good time. Can you guys work together past this? Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted December 30, 2018 Share Posted December 30, 2018 Pay attention to the red flags! A good relationship isn't a rollercoaster of "amazing" and "total mind ****". That's the description of an unhealthy addiction to a person. See it for what it is and do yourself a favor and stop seeing her. Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted December 30, 2018 Share Posted December 30, 2018 Trying to change men works better than trying to change women. Good luck with lecturing a woman about how she has room to improve and change, and how she needs to. At best you can point things out she might not have noticed and she'll take it from there if she's bothered enough by it. If you can't handle her for who she is you should probably move on. Generally the more wild women calm down a little once they figure out you can handle them though. Link to post Share on other sites
Garcon1986 Posted December 30, 2018 Share Posted December 30, 2018 Why am I the odd one out in being willing to change then? Why do women find it so much more difficult to hear feedback from their man? Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted December 30, 2018 Share Posted December 30, 2018 Depending on the individual personalities, constructive feedback can be accepted well by both men and women. In this particular case the OP says they've been on a few dates, this isn't an established long term relationship. Why bother proceeding if you see things that you feel need to be changed when you haven't had the time to really get to know someone in the first place? If someone I had only been on "a few dates" with starting pointing out my areas for improvement I wouldn't be seeing them again. I would expect a man in a similar situation to feel the same. Most people look for compatibility when dating, not someone they are attracted to but see as a project. Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted December 31, 2018 Share Posted December 31, 2018 It helps to just shut up later and then just give her a few weeks. lf she gives a shyt she'll start trying to fix it she just won't like admitting it at the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Wave Rider Posted December 31, 2018 Share Posted December 31, 2018 (edited) Check out Harville Hendrix's book "Keeping the Love You Find," or if you're willing to take some of the supernatural stuff with a grain of salt, the "Twin Flame" belief system. You and this person were drawn together because you have the power to heal some old wounds for each other. Notwithstanding the huge potential for healing and growth, it's possible that this person may not be willing or able to face their own emotional problems, and they may have emotional problems that are too big to be healed in a realistic time frame. If that is the case, you may need to find someone else. If this person is willing and able to confront their problems and go though a healing process with you, that would be ideal. If they are not willing to do that, and instead insist on staying happily stuck in their unhappiness, you may need to find someone else. Edited December 31, 2018 by Wave Rider 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted December 31, 2018 Share Posted December 31, 2018 Why am I the odd one out in being willing to change then? Why do women find it so much more difficult to hear feedback from their man? It depends on what the change is and whether the changee feels it's justified. Since meeting my husband, he's helped me learn better interpersonal skills. I've always known I lacked in this area and was happy to improve. But if the person is completely happy with who they are and doesn't see reason to change, then they shouldn't be expected to change. It comes down to whether the change is in the realms of reasonable growth or just changing a perfectly good personality in order to make the partner happy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted December 31, 2018 Share Posted December 31, 2018 I’m just not getting the impression that she’s ready to accept that she has room to improve and change. I get the impression that she’s set in her ways and no matter what I try, she’ll always find a way to explain it away and justify it. This is where I'd bail. We all have issues and no relationship, not even the purest and best and most magical love in the world, can fix them. We are still the same messes we always were. But someone who won't honestly acknowledge their flaws and isn't interested in change is not suited for a healthy long-term relationship. A big chunk of a good partnership is being able to say "I messed up and I'm sorry", and making a sincere effort to be better. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 1, 2019 Share Posted January 1, 2019 I’m just not getting the impression that she’s ready to accept that she has room to improve and change. I get the impression that she’s set in her ways and no matter what I try, she’ll always find a way to explain it away and justify it. From your perspective, any change benefiting you is an "improvement". Part of having a successful relationship is understanding your partner isn't always going to see it the same way... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
See-Me-Feel-Me Posted January 1, 2019 Share Posted January 1, 2019 I don't give anyone crap and I won't take any either. I have had all I can stand and am wary of women with neurotic tendencies to bring hard feelings to bear for unfounded reasons. My word is golden and I never flake on anyone. I learned the hard way what the signs of co-dependence and BPD are. Fooey. Link to post Share on other sites
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