Ex-Fiance won't let me go

[rejected1]

Long story, short. In April, a month before he was supposed to join me in the new city, he dumped me. Six weeks later he started dating another woman. I went entirely no contact in October. Despite having a girlfriend, he keeps reaching out when he was the one that wanted to end contact.

 

Anyway, I went home for Christmas, and as I expected, when I was visiting friends, he showed up. Someone tipped him off.

 

I tried to avoid him, but the first moment I was alone, he asked me why I was avoiding him. I told him he has a girlfriend and us aren't' together, so we had no business talking to one another. Then he brought up, and I knew he would my relationship, or soon to be a relationship with the guy I met in my book club. I told him we were dating, and that he had no right to judge and that we had nothing to talk about. We were finished.

 

I walked away, to join our friends. He left shortly after, later that afternoon, I learned he told one friend he was heartbroken. I feel so confused and hurt all over again. At that moment not once did he say he wanted me back, but was jealous of my new relationship, and was sad that I was avoiding his texts when it was him that wanted to end contact in the first place. But yet he is heartbroken, when he dumped me, alone in a new city.

 

Anyway, I got home late the 28th. And no sooner then I land, the messages began. I don't know whose phones he is using, but he is telling me that he is thinking about me every day. One message says he can't stand that I'm dating another guy.

 

The last message was twenty minutes ago when he said, can we be friends. I replied to him and told him to stop messaging me because we can never be friends.

 

I feel so angry. He hasn't flat out said he wants to get back together, but that he misses me. Why can't he let me go?

[healing light]

Do you want to get back together with him or not?

 

To me, his persistent messages saying he thinks about you every day and missed you are his way of asking you to get back together.

 

But I am a little confused--is he single? It sounds like he isn't from your post.

 

If you want to get back together, tell him directly to stay gone unless he's available and willing to date you.

[rejected1]

He isn't single. He is with the same girlfriend, he met six weeks after breaking it off. The full story can be found in another one of my threads. Back in October, after he took her to New York City, I lost it on him. He told me that he wanted to end contact because I was too angry, and he wanted to focus on his relationship with his new girlfriend. So I blocked him and went no contact.

 

I don't know what I want. I still have feelings for him. How can I not when we were together for almost 7 years. I'm just angry at him, and I'm finally gotten to a place where I've accepted we aren't together. And things are going well with this new guy. I'm in a new city, on the other side of the country and I just don't think it'd work even if I was 100% on board.

[Cersei]

Try to see it this way:

 

He has a new girlfriend and is reaching out to you. He is wanting to cheat by the sounds of it. Do you want a cheater? I doubt it.

 

Enjoy your life in the new city, block all numbers he reaches out to you from and see where it goes with book club guy.

 

Happy 2019.

[Blanco]

Couple things to consider:

 

- His new, exciting relationship has probably moved into a more familiar phase. Doesn't mean it's bad, but the excitement that surrounds pretty much every aspect of a brand new relationship has almost certainly waned if they've been together for six or more months. So in that sense, maybe he's realizing this new relationship isn't everything he thought it was or was going to be.

 

- We men are kind of dumb when it comes to ladies from our past moving on. If he's upset you're seeing someone else, it could be something deeper, but most likely it's just the petty jealousy we seem to have when an ex moves on and we're not totally over her.

 

I think these two things in tandem are why you're hearing from him now. And while I'm sure it's a bit flattering, you have to ask if you could really trust him. Right now, you're more of a prize to him that he's trying to get back rather than an actual living, breathing person. If you were to reunite, could you really trust that in another six months, he would still be committed? That he'd relocate to be with you when he couldn't bring himself to do so when you two were actually together?

 

Not saying he's not had some come to Jesus moment and realized he made an awful mistake. But having been where this guy sounds like he is, it's possible that his motivation right now, whether he realizes it or not, isn't rooted in something long-lasting.

[FMW]

So he dumps you as his girlfriend and now wants you as a sidepiece?

 

Ignore him. You will eventually get over him if you stop letting him mess with your head (and heart).

 

Have fun with the book club guy and be receptive to other nice available guys if they come along.

[salparadise]

I don't know what I want. I still have feelings for him. How can I not when we were together for almost 7 years. I'm just angry at him, and I'm finally gotten to a place where I've accepted we aren't together. And things are going well with this new guy. I'm in a new city, on the other side of the country and I just don't think it'd work even if I was 100% on board.

 

Ugh, what a mess. What he's doing is not right. What you need to realize is that he's proven and continues to prove how unreliable he is. If you got back together he'd likely do the same thing again, and he'd be texting the one he's dating now. He wasted seven years of your life. How many more are you willing to waste? It's all just ego stuff- he enjoys seeing you twirling on the string.

 

It's up to you to cut the cord and move on. Tell him you're done with him and to never contact you again... and any texts or emails will be forwarded directly to his current gf.

[sandylee1]

How is he messaging you if you've blocked him?

 

Just block every number...but before that ask him to leave yo alone. You don't want a friendship with him and you're moved on.

[Giraffe-A]

There’s nothing to be confused about. He broke up with you to be with this new girl. It’s either not working out and he’s trying to test the waters with you, or he’s just being a selfish prick because you moved on so fast. Either way, this guy does not deserve a minute more of your time. He left you in such an uncool place. These are his true colors.

[rejected1]

To clear up any confusion. He is blocked on my main phone, but he's been messaging me from different numbers and apps. Now that I look at it, it seems obsessive. So last night I did tell him to stop and not to message me again. I know it's him because of the tagline he uses at the end of the message. The way he talks and/or messages me is distinguishable.

 

But on a side note, the book club guy and I are going to New Year's party tonight.

[Endnote]

If he's calling/texting you from different numbers, that sounds like harassment to me. Maybe you could change your number and find ways to make the apps more private? I had to do that years ago because my ex-wife wouldn't stop calling. Ironically, when I accepted her offer to take her back (not much time had passed, a couple weeks at most), I gave her my new number. Boy was that a mistake. If you make that decision, be cognizant of who you give the number to, especially any mutual friends.

 

I'm sorry that he keeps doing this to you. Clearly not a healthy approach for him, and it's definitely not healthy for your emotional health. As a guy, I've never understood this behavior from either men or women (I've seen it from my own friends), but I've always been on the receiving end of relationships failing so maybe it's just a sign of weakness. If I ever decided to end things with someone, I sure as hell hope I wouldn't keep them around to manipulate them like some of the people I read about on these forums. Stay strong end enjoy your time with book club guy, and do what you can to ignore your ex, you deserve so much better than this kind of obsessive behavior.

[nolanola]

Hi rejected1, I read your other thread and I have to say, I got so much out of it. I really related to how you were feeling in the months after you guys went no contact and he took his new girlfriend to New York. I have been feeling so similar. Then, to see how you handled him when he came back, that was so inspiring to me and gives me hope and strength that I can do the same.

 

That said, what a mess for you now. Have you asked him about his current relationship? Or has he said anything about breaking up with her? I can understand the feelings that come surging up -- you've been wanting an apology or some kind of validation from this guy for so long. And now he's come back strong. But clearly, unless he's willing to break up with his new girlfriend and move to where you are, he isn't in it for keeps. Like someone upthread said, he probably is just really jealous that you aren't pining over him anymore. An old ex of mine once told me to date other people when we broke up and then when I did, he got so jealous! He said he didn't think I actually would!!

 

Enjoy your new budding relationship and NYE. You might have to get brutal with your ex, but I hope not. Tell him to call you when he's single and serious.

[rejected1]

Well... Book Club Guy and I were already kind of together, but last night we made it official. We are exclusively in a relationship.