When is it friendship and when is it leading someone on?

[eriel]

I'm a 30 year old female who got out of a 3 year long relationship 8 months ago. My ex was abusive and I was miserable for the whole 3 years. I've moved on and am quite happy alone, but have found myself in situations where I've had to reject a couple of men.

 

I find that I'm very cautious now about the idea of "dating". I don't want to get involved with anyone unless I am quite certain I like them and I would also like to not hurt anyone if I can help it. With my past relationships, I find myself quickly finding out that I don't like their personality but unable to bring myself to break up / let go because I naively thought I could make it work

 

I recently find myself drawn to one of my male friends, J, and I'm a bit confused about what to do as it's a situation that's new for me and I haven't exactly had a lot of realistic dating experiences and expectations. Would appreciate any input or advice.

 

I've been friends with J for about 2 years now. We live close by and often help each other out since he doesn't have a car. I've never really seen him as a potential partner, and we only became closer in the last 5 months as we started to talk more and share lives because our paths kept crossing. I was extremely cautious and told J I have no interest in relationships because of the traumatic relationship I just had. He was respectful of that. We get along and communicate extremely well and always have fun together and belong to the same group of friends.

 

About a month ago, J told me that he's not in a good place for a relationship at the moment, but if he ever gets there, he MAY ask me out, say in 6 months time. He said, "I think you'll reject me but I'd like to try anyways". J is heavily overweight and not in a good place financially. I told J I enjoyed his company and I'm not sure I'm ready for a relationship either and I'm not sure what to think and if he does ask me out, I'll think about it then.

 

I don't know how to feel honestly. I care deeply about J, he is an extremely kind friend and a great listener. He has actively looked out for me. We actually have a fair bit of common interests and values. There are things I don't know about him that I'd like to know more of, to see if we're compatible in terms of work ethics and other life values etc. For example, I do worry about his health and would prefer for him to lose some weight etc but I don't find him unattractive. But I feel like I can't just flat out ask him lots of things if we're not "dating". I'm also really worried about ruining a great friendship if we date and I think he's not what I'm looking for! So I'm super hesitant to tell him that I'm actually drawn to him and I always feel super at ease when I'm with him, he's a great listener when I am confused about issues, and when I'm tired he's one of the few people I find comforting being around.

 

I'm sort of finding it hard to be his friend nowadays. I don't know what to do. He smiles at me with such affection whenever he sees that I'm happy and has told me seeing me happy warms his heart. I overthink and wonder if I'm leading him on if I talk to him too much. He's extremely social and talks to a lot of people anyway, so somedays I justify it and say, it's ok, we're all just being friendly. Other days, I tell myself to cut back on the chats or not share so much about myself so I don't lead him on. We've been talking almost daily since we're both on respective holidays and sharing photos, talking about families and childhood. And we're not flirty or anything although we make fun of one another occassionally. It's all things friends would talk about. And I believe he's sharing his holiday stories with another female friend too.

 

Recently while on holiday, I met a guy whom I had a fair bit of chemistry with. It's just a small incident which isn't going anywhere but it made me realise I might potentially meet other men whom I might actually like and don't have areas that I'm concerned about. The incident made me worry again, that I was leading J on. I don't want to do anything to hurt him. What do you reckon is the best course of action?

Edited December 30, 2018 by eriel

[Blanco]

It's friendship when you share great conversation and banter but the other person is hooking up with other people. It's in those situations where you realize that person doesn't even view you as a romantic option.

[Giraffe-A]

I don’t think you are leading J on. If anything, your support is motivating him to get out of his current situation and when he does, he too may not feel the same or want to ruin the friendship. He is very aware that he can’t offer you or anyone anything at the moment and you may actually find his traits very attractive having had dated other men. You are free to do that btw. J has shown you an idea of what a great partner should be, so keep that in mind while you date others. Just go with the flow.

[FMW]

For the most part I don't think you're leading him on, but saying that you would "think about it then" when and if he asks you out was probably seen by him as a signal he might have a shot.

 

Unless you think there is a chance you could ever be romantically interested in him (I don't think you feel that way from what you wrote) then I would gently but clearly communicate that you see him as a dear friend that you care for but have no romantic feelings for.

 

Using the "I'm not ready for a relationship" line works well for people you don't know that well and who aren't part of your life. If used on a friend who is part of your life and has feelings for you beyond friendship it can be be seen as a "maybe" in their heads.

 

When we have romantic interest in someone we look for any reason to think they might reciprocate.

[d0nnivain]

When you interact with J do not touch him or flirt with him. Periodically say things like "I'm glad we're friends." Use the word friend a lot when you talk so he knows never to ask you out.

[eriel]

To respond to whether I have romantic feelings for J... I'm actually not sure as it's a new situation. In the past whenever I was single, I was always actively looking for a partner and if I liked a guy, we dated very quickly after. This is the first time I actually approach men with no other agenda other than to see how I can enrich their lives and I have lots of male friends. I've rejected two men who asked me out, so with those men I am sure I had zero romantic feelings. With J, it's more of I wish you'd actually ask me out so I can figure out if I liked you, but I wish you wouldn't because I don't want to hurt you and there are already areas I'm concerned about. So I just end up sitting and overthinking.

 

I already make sure I don't flirt, I avoid touching him and somehow deep down I worry, ok at this rate he'll never ask me out and I'll never know. And the other part of me goes, good. It's better not knowing.

Edited December 30, 2018 by eriel

[snowboy91]

To respond to whether I have romantic feelings for J... I'm actually not sure as it's a new situation. In the past whenever I was single, I was always actively looking for a partner and if I liked a guy, we dated very quickly after. This is the first time I actually approach men with no other agenda other than to see how I can enrich their lives and I have lots of male friends. I've rejected two men who asked me out, so with those men I am sure I had zero romantic feelings. With J, it's more of I wish you'd actually ask me out so I can figure out if I liked you, but I wish you wouldn't because I don't want to hurt you and there are already areas I'm concerned about. So I just end up sitting and overthinking.

 

I already make sure I don't flirt, I avoid touching him and somehow deep down I worry, ok at this rate he'll never ask me out and I'll never know. And the other part of me goes, good. It's better not knowing.

 

First things first - I feel as if you're not clear with yourself on how you actually feel about him. You say you have lots of male friends - how is J any different to a very close friendship?

 

Secondly - once you have worked it out, there is absolutely nothing stopping you from taking the lead and setting this the way you want it. If you want to be just friends - that's fine, but be clear. If you want to date him, ask him out. He might be thinking this is just a friendship since you're not flirty or anything, so if you want that to change then you need to take that step.