Girlfriend of 6 months still talks to her first love- Are my concerns valid?

[AmorFou]

I have been with my girlfriend for almost 6 months and it has been amazing for the most part... Overall the best relationship I have ever had. She is 6 years younger than me (I'm in my late 20s) but in most ways is mature for her age and we communicate very well. The one black cloud that has been over our relationship from the beginning is that she still regularly (several times a week) talks to her first love from high school and maintains some level of casual contact with a lot of guys from her past. This has caused a lot of problems and anxiety for me and is the only reason we have ever fought. My past is very extensive (I have slept with over 5 times the amount of people she has) but the difference is I don't talk to any of them at all as I feel no reason to. If sounds cold but if all my exes and other women I've slept with were to disappear I wouldn't feel much of anything.

 

When I've tried to explain where I'm coming from I tell her that her still talking to an ex communicates to me that I'm not meeting all of her needs and it's disrespectful. She assures me that isn't the case and I am the best boyfriend, lover, and overall best guy she has ever been with. The thing is, her actions really do reflect this (except for her talking to an ex) and I know she is in love with me. She denies having any kind of romantic feelings for him, says she fell out of love a long time ago, and that I am the first man that she's ever seen a serious future with.

 

She is a very sweet girl who really does want to see the best in people but is a little naive at times (she admits this). The thing is, this is the first relationship I've been in where my girlfriend is still in regular contact with an ex (at least, it's the first one where they've been honest and upfront about it).

 

Here is some context:

 

She told me that they haven't seen each other in almost 4 years and they broke up after trying to stay together while at different colleges and of course it was a mess. She said they did not speak for a year and then got back in touch and are now "friends" and he hasn't said anything suggestive or sexual to her since they were together.

 

He currently has a gf but she's told me he has told her that he has cheated on her (red flag, I'm certain he would sleep with my gf if he had the chance)

 

I have seen pictures and am not threatened by him as a person. What makes me uncomfortable and insecure is that I've only known her for a few months so how can I compete with that kind of emotional connection? She tells me that she knows it's frustrating for me that she can't just let him go, but that they have been through so much together. This hurts me.

 

Everyone who I am close with that has met and spent time around her has told me I have a great girl and not to mess it up... and that it's very obvious she loves me.

 

She's told me from our second date about how she still talks to him all the time and sees him as a close friend because they've been through so much together (2 year relationship from 16-18 and first love). When I first met her I thought it was a little odd but I didn't care. As time passed and I started falling for her it has bothered me more and more. She's had a couple boyfriends since him, but one was short term and the other was a cheating scumbag who she has cut contact with so her first love is the standard to which she compares me too. She is the type of girl that is very honest but the downside to that is she often thinks out loud and says things that sound like she is comparing me to her first love (which of course she is) even though it's in a positive light I still hate it and it makes me uncomfortable.

 

Is this just something that I just have to hope she grows out of as she falls deeper in love with me? I have made my boundaries clear and she has promised me that if he or anyone else were to cross that friendship line and disrespect our relationship she would let me know and then distance herself. I would think a healthy compromise until she hopefully matures and grows out of this would be reducing contact to just here and there instead of several times a week but she is not willing to let him go. This communicates to me that no matter how much she says I am her everything and that I am the best ever that she is not willing to put me first. I didn't have a first love in high school, but if I had a similar connection to someone and it made my SO uncomfortable I would distance myself from my ex.

 

The one good thing about this situation is it's forcing me to confront a lot of my insecurities so I can begin dealing with them. I've researched retroactive jealousy and am beginning to use techniques to not dwell on her past.

 

Do you all think I have anything to worry about here? Please, any and all advice would be appreciated. This has caused me a lot of stress over the past few months and I want to resolve it.

[Marc878]

If there is an X in the mix you don't have a full relationship.

 

Dating is a tryout. So think long term.

 

At this point she's just a gf.

[Logo]

Sorry, I have only read the title, but whenever an ex is still in her life, the relationship is going to be on shaky ground. It could buckle at the first sign of trouble.

[Giraffe-A]

You are living in fear and this is all because of how you have lived your life up until now. You two consider exes in a very different light. She’s had deep emotional bonding in her relationships which speaks volumes about her while you have had trouble finding that bond in your life. It’s telling of how you wish no part of your past.

 

Time wise, yeah, you can’t compete. A few months is not enough to build a solid foundation. It is enough to ruin it though. She has already pointed out what she sees in you and you refuse to believe it. This whole thing about, “if she loved me, she wouldn’t be doing this and the other.” That is BS. That is control. Be more confident and try to form an emotional bond with her and create memories with her. It is not fair to shut her of her past because yours was not meaninful.

[Poutrew]

Serious problem, dude. Just look at how much she knows about his life from after they broke up. She knows he cheated on his present day girlfriend - and that means they are still talking about sex. The fact that she is willing to fight you to keep this past relationship active means it is still going on. So, yes, you are right when you say you know this guy will bang her if he got the chance - and she also knows this. If you give her an ultimatum - either he goes or I do, you are history. She is never going to give up the ego kibbles and power having exes in her life gives her - but if you tried the same tactic, she would shut you down pronto... knowing this, I would just leave. Then, you can be the ex she constantly talks to in front of her next bf.

[preraph]

These are guys she considers friends, old friends, now. Especially that one. If she wanted to be with him, she would. The only thing I would ask is that you meet him. I mean, if they're good friends, seems like she'd want you to meet him. You can tell a lot by their dynamic. He has a girlfriend, ask them all out together. See how she is with you around him. Women often find it easy to be "just friends" with someone they were once involved with. I do. It's not usually as easy for the man, but I am friends with an ex after decades.

 

There's not going to be a time she just doesn't need her friends. Does she also have female friends, or is she reliant on these guys for friends?

 

On the others, if she's not actually seeing them, that's just social media or texting. Keeping in touch. If all else is going well, just tell her he's such a good friend you want to meet him. If you already have, then what was your impression?

 

People aren't islands, most of them. They have ties. Now, it would be different if you meet him and see him around her and can tell he's still smitten or she is, but sounds like he's moved on. Put 2 and 2 together -- if they were BOTH still in love with the other, they'd be together. So they're not. Maybe one is and one isn't, I don't know. She says not. I suspect not.

[AmorFou]

You are living in fear and this is all because of how you have lived your life up until now. You two consider exes in a very different light. She’s had deep emotional bonding in her relationships which speaks volumes about her while you have had trouble finding that bond in your life. It’s telling of how you wish no part of your past.

 

Time wise, yeah, you can’t compete. A few months is not enough to build a solid foundation. It is enough to ruin it though. She has already pointed out what she sees in you and you refuse to believe it. This whole thing about, “if she loved me, she wouldn’t be doing this and the other.” That is BS. That is control. Be more confident and try to form an emotional bond with her and create memories with her. It is not fair to shut her of her past because yours was not meaninful.

 

I know you are right. So I should just focus on forming the best bond that I can until we have more of a bond/connection than she ever did with him? Seems like that's way harder to do when she still talks regularly with this person and probably only remembers the good times.

[AmorFou]

Serious problem, dude. Just look at how much she knows about his life from after they broke up. She knows he cheated on his present day girlfriend - and that means they are still talking about sex. The fact that she is willing to fight you to keep this past relationship active means it is still going on. So, yes, you are right when you say you know this guy will bang her if he got the chance - and she also knows this. If you give her an ultimatum - either he goes or I do, you are history. She is never going to give up the ego kibbles and power having exes in her life gives her - but if you tried the same tactic, she would shut you down pronto... knowing this, I would just leave. Then, you can be the ex she constantly talks to in front of her next bf.

 

This is what hurts the most is that she plays dumb when I tell her that he is no good and a guy at the end of the day. Which means of course he would hookup with her if the stars aligned. She has said stuff like "don't worry about him, I'm not attracted to him anymore and we're never going to live in the same place. I'm not his primary target anyway." As if that is supposed to make me more comfortable? I have no idea if she needs the attention from him and that is all it's about but that hurts too.

 

You are 100% right when you say that if I gave her an ultimatum that would not go over well. All I can do is tell her how and why it makes me uncomfortable and that I would do the same if she had a problem with me talking to an ex. How can I be # 1 in her life if she'd choose clinging on to someone from the past over me?

[preraph]

Women even talk to their girlfriends about sex or cheating.

 

If she's not attracted to him anymore, there's nothing to worry about. Women don't usually even want to have sex with someone they're no longer attracted to. They're just friends, I think. What he would do, he can't do alone.

[DKT3]

These are guys she considers friends, old friends, now. Especially that one. If she wanted to be with him, she would. The only thing I would ask is that you meet him. I mean, if they're good friends, seems like she'd want you to meet him. You can tell a lot by their dynamic. He has a girlfriend, ask them all out together. See how she is with you around him. Women often find it easy to be "just friends" with someone they were once involved with. I do. It's not usually as easy for the man, but I am friends with an ex after decades.

 

There's not going to be a time she just doesn't need her friends. Does she also have female friends, or is she reliant on these guys for friends?

 

On the others, if she's not actually seeing them, that's just social media or texting. Keeping in touch. If all else is going well, just tell her he's such a good friend you want to meet him. If you already have, then what was your impression?

 

People aren't islands, most of them. They have ties. Now, it would be different if you meet him and see him around her and can tell he's still smitten or she is, but sounds like he's moved on. Put 2 and 2 together -- if they were BOTH still in love with the other, they'd be together. So they're not. Maybe one is and one isn't, I don't know. She says not. I suspect not.

 

Yeah, assuming that she has that option. For all any of us know the first guy could have dumped her and the following guys may have dumped her because she refuses to let the first go.

 

No woman will risk a great relationship for an ex if there isnt feelings there. Not a great long term candidate here my friend.

[doyathinkso]

She has too many irons in the fire my boy.

 

Beware the girl who keeps guys in her orbit.

 

Date her. Bang her. Don't fall in love with her. She is not a keeper.

[AmorFou]

These are guys she considers friends, old friends, now. Especially that one. If she wanted to be with him, she would. The only thing I would ask is that you meet him. I mean, if they're good friends, seems like she'd want you to meet him. You can tell a lot by their dynamic. He has a girlfriend, ask them all out together. See how she is with you around him. Women often find it easy to be "just friends" with someone they were once involved with. I do. It's not usually as easy for the man, but I am friends with an ex after decades.

 

There's not going to be a time she just doesn't need her friends. Does she also have female friends, or is she reliant on these guys for friends?

 

On the others, if she's not actually seeing them, that's just social media or texting. Keeping in touch. If all else is going well, just tell her he's such a good friend you want to meet him. If you already have, then what was your impression?

 

People aren't islands, most of them. They have ties. Now, it would be different if you meet him and see him around her and can tell he's still smitten or she is, but sounds like he's moved on. Put 2 and 2 together -- if they were BOTH still in love with the other, they'd be together. So they're not. Maybe one is and one isn't, I don't know. She says not. I suspect not.

 

None of these people live anywhere close to us. The ex she still talks to regularly lives half way across the country but recently he was planning to interview for a job in our city. She told me this news the day she found out and was clearly nervous about how I'd react. I told her I appreciated her transparency and when I asked she admitted that if he was here she'd want to meet him for lunch/dinner/coffee and that I would be more than welcome to come meet him if it would make me feel more comfortable.

 

She told me last week that he ended up turning down the interview so it looks like I won't have the chance to meet him anytime soon. I can't imagine sitting across the table from some other guy who used to bang my gf without wanting to hit him but I know it would give me some answers.

 

The subject had come up prior to this event where I asked her what if I wanted to meet him. And she responded without hesitation that she would be fine with that and it would probably help me understand that I have nothing to worry about.

[AmorFou]

Women even talk to their girlfriends about sex or cheating.

 

If she's not attracted to him anymore, there's nothing to worry about. Women don't usually even want to have sex with someone they're no longer attracted to. They're just friends, I think. What he would do, he can't do alone.

 

How can you truly be friends with someone you used to love and be physical with? I just don't understand. My first love I had to go NC completely and this girl now is my second so I don't have a lot of experience with this subject.

 

Also, I tell her that it makes me uncomfortable because I don't know him but I know how guys are. She tells me it's not like that, that even last year when she was single they talked a lot when she was going through a rough time and he didn't try to meet up or say anything suggestive then.

[DKT3]

None of these people live anywhere close to us. The ex she still talks to regularly lives half way across the country but recently he was planning to interview for a job in our city. She told me this news the day she found out and was clearly nervous about how I'd react. I told her I appreciated her transparency and when I asked she admitted that if he was here she'd want to meet him for lunch/dinner/coffee and that I would be more than welcome to come meet him if it would make me feel more comfortable.

 

She told me last week that he ended up turning down the interview so it looks like I won't have the chance to meet him anytime soon. I can't imagine sitting across the table from some other guy who used to bang my gf without wanting to hit him but I know it would give me some answers.

 

The subject had come up prior to this event where I asked her what if I wanted to meet him. And she responded without hesitation that she would be fine with that and it would probably help me understand that I have nothing to worry about.

 

Contact one of your exes and then maintain regular contact with her...I promise you your GF will not be ok with it.

 

you seem to be missing a major red flag. If you were ok with her having this contract it would be one thing, you have stated that it's a major problem for you yet she continues. She is telling you what she values more. She is attempting to force you to accept this, that doesn't work long term. There is feelings there on her part, feelings that she is hiding behind "friendship". Here is the thing, you dont trust her if you worry about him taking advantage of a situation. It sounds good to say you trust her but not him.

[BettyDraper]

It doesn't sound like your girlfriend has any respect for you or your relationship.

If she did, she wouldn't continue to have contact with her exes when she knows it bothers you.

Every couple has to define appropriate boundaries in their relationship.

 

She's keeping men waiting in the wings in case your relationship does not work out.

[AmorFou]

She has too many irons in the fire my boy.

 

Beware the girl who keeps guys in her orbit.

 

Date her. Bang her. Don't fall in love with her. She is not a keeper.

 

This sucks. I've already fallen in love. She's been telling me for months how much she loves me, how she sees a future with me, how I'm her everything, and how I'm the best boyfriend and lover she's ever had. I am one of the most skeptical people out there because of my checkered past but all of my friends who have seen us interact tell me she is a great girl and that it's obvious she's crazy about me. I tell them about her ex and they say give her some time to grow out of this behavior. Reminding me how she's so young.

 

More importantly than what others say though, her actions show that she really does love me and puts me first. She's never cancelled plans on me, always is willing to do things for me and go out of her way to help me, cooks, cleans, sex is fantastic, gives me gifts all the time, and truly listens to me when I tell her I don't like something. she is open and seems like she's trying to get where I'm coming from when we talk about this issue. Doesn't act defensive or angry and the one time she did months ago I told her she was being rude and that it communicated to me she didn't care about how I felt. She apologized and since then our communication when we disagree has been good.

[DKT3]

This sucks. I've already fallen in love. She's been telling me for months how much she loves me, how she sees a future with me, how I'm her everything, and how I'm the best boyfriend and lover she's ever had. I am one of the most skeptical people out there because of my checkered past but all of my friends who have seen us interact tell me she is a great girl and that it's obvious she's crazy about me. I tell them about her ex and they say give her some time to grow out of this behavior. Reminding me how she's so young.

 

More importantly than what others say though, her actions show that she really does love me and puts me first. She's never cancelled plans on me, always is willing to do things for me and go out of her way to help me, cooks, cleans, sex is fantastic, gives me gifts all the time, and truly listens to me when I tell her I don't like something. she is open and seems like she's trying to get where I'm coming from when we talk about this issue. Doesn't act defensive or angry and the one time she did months ago I told her she was being rude and that it communicated to me she didn't care about how I felt. She apologized and since then our communication when we disagree has been good.

Those are words, words are easy. What are her actions telling you? Do they match her words? From what you've said here that is a no, big time. My wife was doing all those things while dating another man.

[AmorFou]

Those are words, words are easy. What are her actions telling you? Do they match her words? From what you've said here that is a no, big time. My wife was doing all those things while dating another man.

 

Did you read the second half of my post about what everyone else observes and about her actions supporting what she says? Other than that she can't let this loser go

[DKT3]

Did you read the second half of my post about what everyone else observes and about her actions supporting what she says? Other than that she can't let this loser go

 

I did, which is why I told you my wife did all those things and was dating another man.

 

She isnt respecting your feelings and/or boundaries that isn't someone you can invest in long term.

[AmorFou]

I did, which is why I told you my wife did all those things and was dating another man.

 

She isnt respecting your feelings and/or boundaries that isn't someone you can invest in long term.

 

Gotcha, sorry to hear she was doing those things.

 

Not sure if I said this in the OP and if it even changes anything, but she told me from the beginning "I'll probably always talk to (ex) as a close friend and I don't think I'd be ok with anyone I'm dating telling me I couldn't" at the time, we hadn't even slept together yet so I brushed it off. Going forward, if I am single again a girl who still talks to an ex will be a deal breaker for me. I want to work it out with this girl as I've already fallen for her and everything else about her is great. She says her one pet peeve about me is that I'm jealous about this and I tell her my one dislike is that she stays in contact with him in the first place. Last time we had a calm discussion about it she said "I know it must be frustrating that I can't let this person go but it's because we've been through so much together"

 

Obviously, her saying that makes me angry. I'm angry at myself too for letting myself fall for her when there is ex baggage. I'm angry that I knew about this from day one and still chose to make her my gf when she kept asking me why I wouldn't. That would have been the perfect opportunity for me to say "because your ex is still in the picture and that's a no for me, sorry."

 

How can I recover from this hole I've gotten myself in without just breaking up with her? Is it possible? I don't want to resort to that.

 

Other than this issue she is extremely agreeable and compliant with what I want and I feel in control. She treats me like a King, etc.

[AmorFou]

Oh, and months back after this first started bothering me I made my boundaries clear: I wouldn't be comfortable at all with her hanging out with an ex or former fwb one on one and she agreed. Also, if anyone said something sexual or suggestive she would let me know and then block that person. She agreed that of course she would do that if someone crossed the line.

 

So, she knows my boundaries but obviously I wish I had been stronger about this from the beginning. In her mind, we've already done some type of compromise. I'm proud of the way I've handled myself as a man around her except for this one issue. I haven't been congruent with my thoughts, words, and actions.

[DKT3]

But this one thing is huge. The more you talk about things she has said the more clearly it becomes that she is in love with the guy.

 

Unfortunately there is nothing short of breaking up with her that will solve this issue. If you attempt to enforce your boundaries she will resent you and see you as controlling, likely ending your relationship.

 

You may have fallen for her, but other than some feelings you aren't that invested. It's not going to get better or easier. She has drawn the line in the sand and your only two options are leave or accept that she is in love with a guy that she cant have now...

 

If you jump around here and read you will find a thread of a woman who never let her ex go, and is now after 14 years of marriage neck deep in a sexual relationship with that ex.

Edited January 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Giraffe-A]

I know you are right. So I should just focus on forming the best bond that I can until we have more of a bond/connection than she ever did with him? Seems like that's way harder to do when she still talks regularly with this person and probably only remembers the good times.

Well yeah. That’s where your confidence comes in. If she mentions they spoke, just act cool, like “oh yeah? How’s he doing?” You really don’t even have to pretend to like the situation. You can simply stop arguing about it. And don’t talk bad about him either.

[Normm]

If you're looking for votes, the continued contact despite my objections would be "kick to the curbable".

 

 

No reason to live with anxiety and fear. Life is stressful enough as it is, you don't need more from your significant other.

 

Don't argue or fight with her, and don't give her any ultimatums. Simply end it telling her the reasons. There's always a chance she'll decide you're worth giving up the old contacts but don't do it hoping for that outcome. Do it because you've got self respect and there's better out there.

[doyathinkso]

You yourself said "So, she knows my boundaries" BUT she obviously does not respect them. Nor you apparently.

 

Talk is cheap. She is a major dealer in cheap talk.

 

Actions are what count. Her actions are obvious. She DOES NOT respect your boundaries. She has no problem violating your trust, and even proudly tells you about it. She rubs your face in it. Actions.

 

Your next action, were I you, would be to move on. Ghost her.

 

She. Is. Not. A. Keeper.