Girlfriend of 6 months still talks to her first love- Are my concerns valid?

[elaine567]

She is in her early twenties, she has a friend who is her ex, and has a lot of guy "hanger ons", she sees no harm in it and is basically dismissing your concerns.

It is a life stages thing.

In your late twenties you want to claim her and act all coupley, she is still at the "everyone is just a friend" kind of stage...

 

Do not set great store on her, she is not ready for that kind of commitment. This is I guess just a "filler" relationship for her.

[DKT3]

She is in her early twenties, she has a friend who is her ex, and has a lot of guy "hanger ons", she sees no harm in it and is basically dismissing your concerns.

It is a life stages thing.

In your late twenties you want to claim her and act all coupley, she is still at the "everyone is just a friend" kind of stage...

 

Do not set great store on her, she is not ready for that kind of commitment. This is I guess just a "filler" relationship for her.

 

Age is irrelevant in the sense that she would never risk her relationship for a "friend". This other guy isnt a friend, he is a romantic interest, likely her primary.

 

I agree that this isnt it for her with OP, he is just the guy here now, the filler until she can be with someone else, I'm betting the "friend".

[Mrs._December]

She's told me from our second date about how she still talks to him all the time and sees him as a close friend because they've been through so much together (2 year relationship from 16-18 and first love). When I first met her I thought it was a little odd but I didn't care.

With all due respect, she was honest with you right from the start. You knew this going in so you don't get to change the rules of the game 6 months in just because your feelings have changed. So many people are forced to cut friends out of their lives because their insecure boyfriend or girlfriend wants them to, and then they don't even end up staying with the insecure person who made them lose those friendships, anyway. If you're around 2 or 3 years from now and you two are engaged, maybe THEN you can revisit telling her who she's 'allowed' to have as a friend.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'd be curious how she'd react if her ex's girlfriend (or any of his future girlfriends) found out how close they are and he cut her off.

 

It's not likely they'll remain besties forever. People usually eventually move on and drift apart from exes, when one or both of them starts prioritizing their relationship above maintaining a cozy friendship. He isn't currently doing so, because he evidently doesn't care that much about his current girlfriend if he cheats anyway. She isn't doing so either, because she's emotionally attached to him.

 

My prediction? He will start to fade when he meets a girl who he is crazy about and isn't comfortable with his continued bond with his ex. I doubt the friendship they have now is one that will stand the test of time.

 

You have told her what your boundary is, but neither she nor you are really sticking to it. She isn't dumb or naive; she knows you don't like this. And she's continuing to maintain the friendship regardless. Only you can decide if this will be a dealbreaker or not.

[DKT3]

With all due respect, she was honest with you right from the start. You knew this going in so you don't get to change the rules of the game 6 months in just because your feelings have changed. So many people are forced to cut friends out of their lives because their insecure boyfriend or girlfriend wants them to, and then they don't even end up staying with the insecure person who made them lose those friendships, anyway. If you're around 2 or 3 years from now and you two are engaged, maybe THEN you can revisit telling her who she's 'allowed' to have as a friend.

 

So many people are forced to compromise their boundaries for relationships.

 

The problem here is this guy isnt a friend, he is a romantic interest.

 

I'm amazed at how many women dont see this as a problem until the guy is in constant contact with his ex.

[elaine567]

With all due respect, she was honest with you right from the start. You knew this going in so you don't get to change the rules of the game 6 months in just because your feelings have changed. So many people are forced to cut friends out of their lives because their insecure boyfriend or girlfriend wants them to, and then they don't even end up staying with the insecure person who made them lose those friendships, anyway. If you're around 2 or 3 years from now and you two are engaged, maybe THEN you can revisit telling her who she's 'allowed' to have as a friend.

Agreed.

She is early twenties she will have many friends some of them will be guys, it is the way it is.

Women are often very capable of juggling male friends without sleeping with them, seems some men can not grasp that concept...

[Art_Critic]

I think you need to look at the value your relationship brings to you today and stop trying to mess it up by being jealous of her ex who she has no intention of being with, a first love is someone people like to keep close and have a tough time letting go.

 

I think you are on the verge of ruining your relationship and should back up and look at what you are doing, he is no threat..

 

She is with you and made future plans with you not him.

 

Now if time goes on and she brings him back into the picture then she is the person messing things up, but right now it's you.

 

Give her and your relationship some slack and stop messing with things..

[DKT3]

Agreed.

She is early twenties she will have many friends some of them will be guys, it is the way it is.

Women are often very capable of juggling male friends without sleeping with them, seems some men can not grasp that concept...

 

Concept is grasped...excuses are not valid. I'm not saying she is wrong, I'm saying OP needs to end the relationship.

 

If the relationship is important then she wouldn't risk it for a ex boyfriend. Priority set, he needs to move on.

[Mrs._December]

So many people are forced to compromise their boundaries for relationships.

 

The problem here is this guy isnt a friend, he is a romantic interest.

 

I'm amazed at how many women dont see this as a problem until the guy is in constant contact with his ex.

The OP knew this going in. This isn't some nasty surprise she just threw at him out of left field.

 

I've remained friends with some of my ex's and I haven't seen them in years. Not EVERYONE is an automatic 'romantic' interest just because they're an ex.

[elaine567]

Age is irrelevant in the sense that she would never risk her relationship for a "friend". This other guy isnt a friend, he is a romantic interest, likely her primary.

 

I agree that this isnt it for her with OP, he is just the guy here now, the filler until she can be with someone else, I'm betting the "friend".

 

 

I wouldn't put a lot of on money on the "friend".

He has been friend zoned, he is not where the danger lies.

The OP is a bit controlling, she will not put up with that long term, she is already rebelling.

 

Other than this issue she is extremely agreeable and compliant with what I want and I feel in control. She treats me like a King, etc

.

[kgcolonel]

One really quick mention on this....you stated that you regret brushing off her comment stating that she couldn't be with anyone who told her she couldn't maintain contact with this guy. You wish you had called it then before you fell for her.

 

That said, YOU have a choice. You can either suck it up, be confident as in accepting her earlier statement, the fact that she hasn't been sexual with him when she was single etc. and support her in (as was said earlier) how's he doing, when she informs you of their talks. OR, you can say enough is enough, time is one thing you can't replace and spending one more day in a relationship where your partner is doing something that makes you uncomfortable is one day wasted out of your life and end it.

 

You will only make yourself suffer and make her resent you. If you do decide to break it off, tell her why and do not be emotional about it, just tell her that you support her relationship with him as a friend but not as a bf.

[AmorFou]

Agreed.

She is early twenties she will have many friends some of them will be guys, it is the way it is.

Women are often very capable of juggling male friends without sleeping with them, seems some men can not grasp that concept...

 

Yeah, I remind myself of her age and am taking the good with the bad. I tried dating women my age and older and it didn't work out.

 

But yes, I'm unable to grasp how you can truly be platonic friends with someone you've been intimate with in the past and who you loved romantically. Please, explain this. From my point of view, the only reason she can't let him go is because of lingering feelings.

[DKT3]

Yeah, I remind myself of her age and am taking the good with the bad. I tried dating women my age and older and it didn't work out.

 

But yes, I'm unable to grasp how you can truly be platonic friends with someone you've been intimate with in the past and who you loved romantically. Please, explain this. From my point of view, the only reason she can't let him go is because of lingering feelings.

 

And you are correct...listen some of our female posters here make excuses for others females behavior no matter how horrible. Her age is no excuse, if she was really into you she would do what she could to make you feel comfortable.

 

I've said it several times, no female would risk a relationship with a guy she was really into to hang out with an ex.

 

I dont thing you are hearing this or really understanding the red flags here. It's not so much that she wants to hang out with a male friend, it's that she wants to hang out with her ex, her first love. None of the women telling you to suck it up would support thier boyfriends telling them I'm going to hang out with my ex girlfriend and I cant be with you if you're not supportive of that.

[smackie9]

OP this is what happens when you fall in love...you become jealous, paranoid, upset, a little cray cray. It's quite normal. But I also see your point. If they chatted once in a blue moon to catch up on things I don't see an issue, but she is in contact with him almost daily? IMO it's not appropriate.

 

I say she does lack maturity and experience relationship wise. Most people know you make adjustments to your life and how you interact with others when you are in a committed relationship out of respect.

 

That being said, you need to talk to her, and express your feelings about it. Then come to some kind of compromise. That is all you can do. If she digs her heels in, you have two choices...put up with it and keep your mouth shut or end the relationship because this issue can't be resolved. Take your emotions out of it, and figure it out.

[AmorFou]

With all due respect, she was honest with you right from the start. You knew this going in so you don't get to change the rules of the game 6 months in just because your feelings have changed. So many people are forced to cut friends out of their lives because their insecure boyfriend or girlfriend wants them to, and then they don't even end up staying with the insecure person who made them lose those friendships, anyway. If you're around 2 or 3 years from now and you two are engaged, maybe THEN you can revisit telling her who she's 'allowed' to have as a friend.

 

 

Yeah, I tell her this when we discuss it. That I appreciate how she's been honest with me from the beginning and I said I was ok with it at the time. In addition to this, she told me another story when I first met her about a guy she grew up with and had been friends with for years. One time in college, they hooked up but she said there was no chemistry like that for either of them and they just decided to be friends again after that. Well, that guy got a new gf who told him she wasn't comfortable with them being friends so he messaged my gf telling her that they couldn't talk anymore.

 

She said this hurt her and she lost respect for him because he let his gf tell him who he can and can't be friends with. We've discussed this situation together when talking about why she still talks to her ex. So, I know this is how she is.

[d0nnivain]

For me, the key to all of this is that the guy in question was her HIGH SCHOOL BF. This is not some man she had an adult relationship with. A lot of time & maturing have passed since they were together a lifetime ago. You said they dated from 16 - 18 & broke up in part through the distance of college. Initially yes, she was probably pining for him because he was all she knew in terms of dating. As college progressed & they both grew up & apart the relationship mellowed to BFFs with a touch of nostalgia. They share a past & always will. That does not mean they share a future.

 

Your GF told you she is in touch with this guy. She said that up front at a time when you didn't know anything about anybody in her life. She told you he was important to her & you said OK. You mentioned that you wouldn't like sexual conversations between them or tolerate her hanging out with him one on one without you. So far she hasn't crossed those lines & he remains an LDR friend.

 

In this age of social media some people especially younger people think that they are obligated to stay in touch just because they can stay in touch. Absent social media, she & he would have lost contact years ago. The bonds aren't as strong as you think.

 

If you really can't abide him in her life, you have to walk away. You can't force her to pick you over him. If she's smart she will always pick the person who is not trying to make her chose, simply on principle.

 

Can you make arrangements to meet him? If he's really several hundred miles away don't worry about it. If she's transparent, try to take that coupled with her actions as a positive sign in your favor.

 

Part of this is you trust her or you don't. If she's inclined to cheat she could find a guy this afternoon. Their shared history isn't the only factor. Granted that may make it emotionally easier / more comfortable to fall back into old but if you believe she's an ethical person, trust her rather than making yourself crazy. If you don't trust her, then walk away. Even if you don't trust him (because of his cheating behavior) that doesn't affect her. He could try but she would still have the integrity to say no.

 

You also have to consider that there have been many points in their lives since the break up before she met you when they had the opportunity to reconcile but they chose to remain just friends. Your concerns about their former dating, does not affect their decision to not date again. Your GF picked you over him. What about that don't you get, even in the face of their on-going friendship.

 

Again this was never the love of her life. This was her long ago high school BF. Neither of them are truly the same people they were as children. Try to be more accepting of this.

[smackie9]

Yeah, I remind myself of her age and am taking the good with the bad. I tried dating women my age and older and it didn't work out.

 

But yes, I'm unable to grasp how you can truly be platonic friends with someone you've been intimate with in the past and who you loved romantically. Please, explain this. From my point of view, the only reason she can't let him go is because of lingering feelings.

I have been friends with my ex for almost 40 years. There are no "lingering" feelings after we split up, just endearing fondness because, well in my case, he's always been a good guy. And he can call me anytime if he needs my help. I was a part of his social circle for 10 years before I met my husband. I did respectfully cut way back on hanging out with my ex, but I never stopped being his friend. I on occasion will have lunch with him.

[AmorFou]

{snip} Part of this is you trust her or you don't. If she's inclined to cheat she could find a guy this afternoon. Their shared history isn't the only factor. Granted that may make it emotionally easier / more comfortable to fall back into old but if you believe she's an ethical person, trust her rather than making yourself crazy. If you don't trust her, then walk away. Even if you don't trust him (because of his cheating behavior) that doesn't affect her. He could try but she would still have the integrity to say no.

 

You also have to consider that there have been many points in their lives since the break up before she met you when they had the opportunity to reconcile but they chose to remain just friends. Your concerns about their former dating, does not affect their decision to not date again. Your GF picked you over him. What about that don't you get, even in the face of their on-going friendship.

 

Again this was never the love of her life. This was her long ago high school BF. Neither of them are truly the same people they were as children. Try to be more accepting of this.

 

Are you my girlfriend? In all seriousness she makes a lot of these same points. She tells me that I won and that I have nothing to worry about. I tell her that it's hard because my first love didn't come until I was much older. I can't relate to that experience of young love and in a lot of ways I am jealous/resentful that some other guy got to have my gf when she was young and innocent without any baggage. I know this isn't right but I admit this is how I feel. To you all, not to her obviously.

 

Also, I'm trying to learn to deal with my own feelings of guilt and shame over being a terrible boyfriend to past girls. I love my gf now and have been faithful to her, but I was selfish and made mistakes in the past. I know that is a reason I project on to her and that's not fair. I want to resolve this so I don't torture myself but am having trouble doing it on my own. I've looked into therapy but haven't taken the plunge just yet.

Edited January 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[d0nnivain]

No. I'm not your GF. I'm old enough to be your mother.

 

So what, you weren't the best BF to past GF. It's called living & learning.

 

The idea that you have retroactive jealousy is a bit of a whore/Madonna complex. You have some ideal that a woman can't be valuable if he's not pure for you & now you are trying to manipulate your GF in ways you don't even understand because she had the "audacity" to have a life before she met you.

 

Since therapy is on your horizon, make an appointment.

 

If your GFs actions change or if you start seeing / hearing things about this EX that are not above board, do investigate. This is a situation that does require monitoring but not prohibition.

 

At my 25th HS reunion my husband met my HS BF. Ironically they gravitated towards each other & were talking when I found them, not realizing who they each were in my life. They hit it off so well, DH & I now occasionally go out with that guy & his wife on double dates. I thought he was a good person in HS & I think the same thing about him now but I am thrilled I'm married to my husband. He's just some boy I knew in HS.

Edited January 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[DKT3]

Both you and Smackies situations are vastly different. This is a new relationship, one in which his gf values her ex more. That isnt a good way to start a relationship...secondly both of your men are comfortable with you occasionally hanging out....she isnt occasionally in contact, and the relationship with the isnt so far removed.

 

Listen man, this is an issue for you and that isnt going to change. This is one of the reasons marriage fail, people fail to acknowledge red flags or convince themselves it's going to get better or they can deal with it.

 

I'm curious, does your gf have a lot of female friends?

Edited January 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[AmorFou]

Both you and Smackies situations are vastly different. This is a new relationship, one in which his gf values her ex more. That isnt a good way to start a relationship...secondly both of your men are comfortable with you occasionally hanging out....she isnt occasionally in contact, and the relationship with the isnt so far removed.

 

Listen man, this is an issue for you and that isnt going to change. This is one of the reasons marriage fail, people fail to acknowledge red flags or convince themselves it's going to get better or they can deal with it.

 

I'm curious, does your gf have a lot of female friends?

 

She does, yes. A lot of friends in general. Mostly females. She's not one of those girls who says "I mostly hang out with guys because girls are drama" I learned a long time ago that is a huge red flag.

 

She is a pleaser (mostly a good thing for me) but she wants everyone to like her. I've picked up on subltle clues that she loves attention (like most women) and I'm sure that is a reason why she keeps guys in her orbit. Definitely something to watch out for and monitor. I would hope as she matures she grows out of this bs but like you say I can't count on that. The good news is I'm not engaged or living with her yet.

[d0nnivain]

AmorFou

 

I think as you discuss some of this with all of us, you are finding your own balance here.

 

If you really think she's crossing a line, of course you can't stay. But as some of us have pointed out, if it's just a nostalgic connection even one that seems a bit too close for comfort to you, monitoring it & trusting her are not unwise.

 

In the end you have to be happy & secure in your relationship. But as we age, people have a past & some folks hang on to all old friends & lovers. As I said to my husband the day my EX died, "I'm crying not because I want him back but because I want him alive." DH helped me though that grief.

[Poutrew]

I am finding the opinions being given in this thread almost more interesting than the thread itself. How the attitudes of most split on gender lines. How many female posters - but not all, thankfully- are functioning as apologists for OP's girlfriends attitude. Even for the few females who say how they have thankfully found men who are OK with them maintaining relationships of some type with ex bf's. But I would like to know how that attitude would change if their husbands found out they were texting those old lovers say, 10 - 15 times a week... once in a blue moon doesn't equate to constant communication. OP, I think you are coming to the conclusion that this present gf is not your life partner. Enjoy things for now, always use protection, and drop her when Mrs. AmorFou eventually enters your life.

[d0nnivain]

I am finding the opinions being given in this thread almost more interesting than the thread itself. How the attitudes of most split on gender lines. How many female posters - but not all, thankfully- are functioning as apologists for OP's girlfriends attitude. Even for the few females who say how they have thankfully found men who are OK with them maintaining relationships of some type with ex bf's. But I would like to know how that attitude would change if their husbands found out they were texting those old lovers say, 10 - 15 times a week... once in a blue moon doesn't equate to constant communication. OP, I think you are coming to the conclusion that this present gf is not your life partner. Enjoy things for now, always use protection, and drop her when Mrs. AmorFou eventually enters your life.

 

Once in a blue moon is OK. I am hardly an apologist & I certainly don't communicate with anybody 10-15 times per week socially. There are lines.

 

You always have to look at the nature of the contact. Perhaps, the OP's GF is overdoing it. There is no problem asking her to dial it back. But any type of command where he tries to force her to cut all contact with an old friend is going to backfire.

[DKT3]

Once in a blue moon is OK. I am hardly an apologist & I certainly don't communicate with anybody 10-15 times per week socially. There are lines.

 

You always have to look at the nature of the contact. Perhaps, the OP's GF is overdoing it. There is no problem asking her to dial it back. But any type of command where he tries to force her to cut all contact with an old friend is going to backfire.

 

I agree. He needs to remove himself. He wont but he should. Here is the thing, he really shouldn't have to discuss what's appropriate in a relationship. He discussed his discomfort with the situation and she basically ignored it, told him how it would be and he will likely accept the terms. Down the road this very issue (her lack of compassion) will end the relationship. It will be a much messier break then now. OR he could start communicating with an ex with the same frequency and watch the fireworks. Nothing makes a point like placing someone in the same position.

 

I really dont see how anyone can excuse the level of contact with the ex. Its extreme, unless.

Edited January 1, 2019 by DKT3