Girlfriend of 6 months still talks to her first love- Are my concerns valid?

[preraph]

Yeah, assuming that she has that option. For all any of us know the first guy could have dumped her and the following guys may have dumped her because she refuses to let the first go.

 

No woman will risk a great relationship for an ex if there isnt feelings there. Not a great long term candidate here my friend.

 

That's not true. If this guy is a true old friend, she will feel it's inhumane to ask her to give up a good friend for a man. You don't let your man isolate you, that's the first rule to avoid controlling abuse. Again, it comes down to if they've really just become old friends or if she is carrying a torch. Still, common sense would tell you it takes two to tango. And I doubt he'd be available as a great friend if she was after him and he was uncomfortable with that. He'd be holding her at arm's length.

[preraph]

None of these people live anywhere close to us. The ex she still talks to regularly lives half way across the country but recently he was planning to interview for a job in our city. She told me this news the day she found out and was clearly nervous about how I'd react. I told her I appreciated her transparency and when I asked she admitted that if he was here she'd want to meet him for lunch/dinner/coffee and that I would be more than welcome to come meet him if it would make me feel more comfortable.

 

She told me last week that he ended up turning down the interview so it looks like I won't have the chance to meet him anytime soon. I can't imagine sitting across the table from some other guy who used to bang my gf without wanting to hit him but I know it would give me some answers.

 

The subject had come up prior to this event where I asked her what if I wanted to meet him. And she responded without hesitation that she would be fine with that and it would probably help me understand that I have nothing to worry about.

 

Well, I have to say the fact you can't sit across the table from any man who has banged your girlfriend prior to her even knowing you without wanting to hit him makes me know for certain that this is more your problem than hers. That's not normal. That's deep and irrational insecurity and overly possessive.

[DKT3]

That's not true. If this guy is a true old friend, she will feel it's inhumane to ask her to give up a good friend for a man. You don't let your man isolate you, that's the first rule to avoid controlling abuse. Again, it comes down to if they've really just become old friends or if she is carrying a torch. Still, common sense would tell you it takes two to tango. And I doubt he'd be available as a great friend if she was after him and he was uncomfortable with that. He'd be holding her at arm's length.

 

You know we've had dozens of threads here with the genders reversed and for some odd reason these "controlling " "isolated " comments are missing.

 

Again, I've yet to have met a women who has risked a relationship she valued in order to stay in contact with an ex without romantic feelings being involved. This isnt so much about maintaining contact, it's more about her value in OP and the relationship. This is why I say bounce. Her boundaries are shaky. This idea that a man wouldn't have a woman in his life that's a possible sex partner (and former) is extremely flawed. Of course he wouldn't be uncomfortable with a female "friend " interested in sex or flirtation.

 

I'm troubled by how easy the connection is made here between a man stating his boundaries or discomfort with his wife/girlfriends actions or behavior turns into talk of abuse. Sad.

[elaine567]

The big issue here is that the OP knew about the friend, knew how important he was from day one, but now he wants to steam in and control the situation.

He should never have dated her in the first place, if he knew he couldn't handle it. She has been open the honest. He is the one trying to now move the goalposts...

 

in a lot of ways I am jealous/resentful that some other guy got to have my gf when she was young and innocent without any baggage.

 

 

This is "retroactive jealousy".

[preraph]

You know we've had dozens of threads here with the genders reversed and for some odd reason these "controlling " "isolated " comments are missing.

 

Again, I've yet to have met a women who has risked a relationship she valued in order to stay in contact with an ex without romantic feelings being involved. This isnt so much about maintaining contact, it's more about her value in OP and the relationship. This is why I say bounce. Her boundaries are shaky. This idea that a man wouldn't have a woman in his life that's a possible sex partner (and former) is extremely flawed. Of course he wouldn't be uncomfortable with a female "friend " interested in sex or flirtation.

 

I'm troubled by how easy the connection is made here between a man stating his boundaries or discomfort with his wife/girlfriends actions or behavior turns into talk of abuse. Sad.

 

Well, you just don't believe it when you say you haven't met one. I've been friends with an ex through decades and yet, haven't had sex with him since 1979. In my world, a lot of us all knew each other and I've never once had a man demand I not be friends with an ex. Certainly, if someone is coming after your either girlfriend or boyfriend, you have a right to be upset and the person themselves should handle it with you just deciding if you want to stay or not. But realize that if it's a past relationship, that relationship didn't work out romantically, but there still may be a friendly attachment and as long as no one is actively trying to sabotage your present relationship, there's no harm. A lot of it does have to do with if a man or woman has an ex or just an orbiter who they know is trying to sabotage or obstruct their relationship, it IS up to them to have enough boundaries to have that person go away. But it doesn't sound at all like what is going on here. It comes down to if you really know and love the person you're with, then you know their ethics, you know if they have good boundaries. If they don't, why are you with them? If they do, they should be trusted to have friends.

[klve]

But this one thing is huge. The more you talk about things she has said the more clearly it becomes that she is in love with the guy.

 

Unfortunately there is nothing short of breaking up with her that will solve this issue. If you attempt to enforce your boundaries she will resent you and see you as controlling, likely ending your relationship.

 

You may have fallen for her, but other than some feelings you aren't that invested. It's not going to get better or easier. She has drawn the line in the sand and your only two options are leave or accept that she is in love with a guy that she cant have now...

 

If you jump around here and read you will find a thread of a woman who never let her ex go, and is now after 14 years of marriage neck deep in a sexual relationship with that ex.

 

Do you remember if this thread of a woman who never let her ex go is is here or maybe on the other woman? Or do you remember what was the name of the thread? I am trying to find it

[DKT3]

The big issue here is that the OP knew about the friend, knew how important he was from day one, but now he wants to steam in and control the situation.

He should never have dated her in the first place, if he knew he couldn't handle it. She has been open the honest. He is the one trying to now move the goalposts...

 

 

 

 

This is "retroactive jealousy".

 

I'm not sure...would it be an issue if this guy wasnt as important to her (maybe moreso) then her boyfriend?

[DKT3]

Do you remember if this thread of a woman who never let her ex go is is here or maybe on the other woman? Or do you remember what was the name of the thread? I am trying to find it

Other man/women

[preraph]

AmorFou

 

I think as you discuss some of this with all of us, you are finding your own balance here.

 

If you really think she's crossing a line, of course you can't stay. But as some of us have pointed out, if it's just a nostalgic connection even one that seems a bit too close for comfort to you, monitoring it & trusting her are not unwise.

 

In the end you have to be happy & secure in your relationship. But as we age, people have a past & some folks hang on to all old friends & lovers. As I said to my husband the day my EX died, "I'm crying not because I want him back but because I want him alive." DH helped me though that grief.

 

Sad. I'll be very sad when any of mine pass.

[AmorFou]

Wanted to give everyone an update since there have been so many helpful responses. So a few nights ago she brought up the subject and we had a good conversation about it. We had been apart for almost two weeks and she said she had time to really think about where I'm coming from and talk to a few close friends and family members about the issue to get their opinions. She kept saying how much she loves me and how she wants us to find a solution together so that it doesn't keep hurting the relationship and eventually drive us apart.

 

Basically I reminded her of how honest she has been about this from the beginning and that just because my feelings changed doesn't give me the right to demand she just cut someone out of her life completely. However, I then told her that the frequency of their communication and the possible topics of their conversation (sex, other personal topics about our relationship, etc.) are my two main concerns and what I find inappropriate when you are serious about someone else (or say you are) She was nodding her head and saying she understood why I felt that way. She claimed that they haven't discussed anything sexual in over a year and that she definitely doesn't talk about the details of our relationship with him.

 

She says that while she will not change her values for anyone there are ways she can modify her behavior to make me more comfortable and compromise. She asked me how would I suggest she go about dialing it back because she feels that it's rude to just ignore or be short with someone. I told her something along the lines of "look, I'm not going to tell you how to go about doing that. I've told you how I felt and I'm glad you understand my concerns and are willing to make some concessions here. I trust you will meet me half way on this."

 

Last night we were together and she brought it up again, telling me she's absolutely willing to dial back the communication with him by reaching out less and not being as responsive as she has been when he reached out to her. Of course, I'm going to continue to monitor the situation but I feel much better. I believe this is a good compromise and I can learn to accept this. Also, for what it's worth I asked how often do they actually speak on the phone or video chat and she said hardly ever. Told me they have only talked on the phone twice in the last 4 years.

 

Thanks everyone, would appreciate hearing thoughts and opinions on this now.

[Normm]

Good resolution. Seems like she cares. That much being said you never know so don't back off on the cautionary monitoring.

[Poutrew]

'Twice in 4 years'...? That doesn't sound right for this to be the problem it has become. Sounds like she is minimizing things because she doesn't want to 'hurt you', and that means she is in damage control mode. I would bet if you could get ahold of her phone / text records, you would find the actual number to be much higher than once a year... I dunno… maybe she is a real gem of a girl, but maybe I am too jaded and suspicious a person to believe it. To me it sounds like she took an honest look at the frequency of their communications, and realized they are getting in deeper and deeper with each other - in other words, she is developing serious feelings for him but doesn't want to cut you off yet. What can you do about it? Not much. What will happen will happen. In the words of Ronald Reagan, when dealing with the Soviets (not too dissimilar to what you are going through, BTW), he quipped, "trust, but verify"… That's about it, and to realize that this gal isn't going to be the one you settle down with.

[manfrombelow2]

First thing you need to accept before entering a relationship:

 

What your partner does in her private time is her business only and it has nothing do with you or anyone else.

 

It doesn't matter if she talks to one or even 10 ex-boyfriends, if you're doing everything right, if you're her mountain in the relationship, there's nothing to be concerned about.

 

The same principle applies to many other aspects in a romantic relationships, for example many men don't like it when their women wear exposing outfits, but what they don't understand is their women can even be naked 100% and that's her right to do so.

 

You don't try to convince your partner into doing what you want, you can only "suggest" her into doing so out of respect for you. And this "respect" is earned, by you, through hard works.

[darkmoon]

First thing you need to accept before entering a relationship:

 

What your partner does in her private time is her business only and it has nothing do with you or anyone else.

 

It doesn't matter if she talks to one or even 10 ex-boyfriends, if you're doing everything right, if you're her mountain in the relationship, there's nothing to be concerned about.

 

The same principle applies to many other aspects in a romantic relationships, for example many men don't like it when their women wear exposing outfits, but what they don't understand is their women can even be naked 100% and that's her right to do so.

 

You don't try to convince your partner into doing what you want, you can only "suggest" her into doing so out of respect for you. And this "respect" is earned, by you, through hard works.

 

 

"hard works"? Well, ok, so - what is the OP's first task?

Edited January 7, 2019 by darkmoon

[doyathinkso]

So she says "Told me they have only talked on the phone twice in the last 4 years. " !!??

 

How is this consistent with all the other things she has told you? "Dialing it back" ... "rude to ignore" ... "reaching out less" ... "not being as responsive" ... "The one black cloud that has been over our relationship from the beginning is that she still regularly (several times a week) talks to her first love from high school and maintains some level of casual contact with a lot of guys from her past." ?????

 

Twice in 4 years??? That's the kind of lie a kid in first grade would tell.

 

If you believe she's being honest with you then I have some nice beachfront property in Arizona to sell you.

 

She just does not want to lose ONE of the MANY orbiters in her retinue.

 

You.

 

Sadly for you, you are not all that special to her.

[manfrombelow2]

I'm glad you ask.

 

In a relationship, everything and I mean everything a man can do, is to always be in his center, work on himself to improve himself (focus into his work to have a promotion or a raise, going to the gym to improve his physical conditions, learning a new language, reading more books, learning to play musical instruments, learning karate... In short: DOING ANYTHING HE LIKES TO MAKE HIM FEEL GOOD AND MAKE HIM BETTER).

 

If he's doing everything right, he will always be in a positive and healthy state of both mind & body, and this in turn helps him to keep focusing into his life with himself the center of it. And when a man is in his center, he doesn't care about what his girl is doing, where she is doing it, or even with whom she is doing it.

 

This kind of mindset and lifestyle will allow him to create and maintain a positive and healthy vibe / atmosphere. And when your life is full of positiveness and happiness, the rest (including your woman) will take care of itself.

 

Easier said than done, I know, but it's the ONLY way, and I've learned this the hard way.

 

"hard works"? Well, ok, so - what is the OP's first task?

[manfrombelow2]

Oh, and I know this might be difficult for some guys here to digest, but when a relationship goes downhill, it's 99,99% the guys' faults.

 

It's always easier for our egos when we choose to blame our women (or anyone else) for the problems and failures that arise in our lives, but this kind of mindset is just the same as an ostrich trying to hide from predators by burying its head into the sand hoping nobody will see it just because it's not seeing anybody.

 

The more you refuse to accept the cold hard truth that you are the catalyst and creator for your problems and failures in life, the more impossible for you to truly grow and learn from your mistakes in order to become a better man.

[DKT3]

Oh, and I know this might be difficult for some guys here to digest, but when a relationship goes downhill, it's 99,99% the guys' faults.

 

It's always easier for our egos when we choose to blame our women (or anyone else) for the problems and failures that arise in our lives, but this kind of mindset is just the same as an ostrich trying to hide from predators by burying its head into the sand hoping nobody will see it just because it's not seeing anybody.

 

The more you refuse to accept the cold hard truth that you are the catalyst and creator for your problems and failures in life, the more impossible for you to truly grow and learn from your mistakes in order to become a better man.

 

This is nonsense, what you've been suggesting is a man can control a womans behavior by being selfish and focusing on himself. So let's look at how OPs relationship would look using your logic. He goes to the gym then does something else to make himself happy, let's say a strip club then makes his rounds of the local bars with his buddies, bed and repeat. Meanwhile his girlfriend is hanging out with her exes, having several men orbiting. So when do they actually have a relationship? Meeting twice a week at 12 am for a booty call? Maybe that's what you consider a relationship, I assure you not many others will.

[manfrombelow2]

No, my friend, I never said that, it's you who said that, and you said that because you lack the experience and intelligence to truly comprehend what I truly wanted to say.

 

A true alpha would never try to "control or manipulate" his woman. All he does, like I said, is to create and maintain a life of full of happiness and positiveness. After that, he invites women into sharing that life with him. That's all he does.

 

And I find it really hillarious that a person could interpret the whole "a man focuses into making himself better each day" thing into "being selfish and try to control women"??? Maybe we have been using different languages until now?

 

But, sometimes, in life, even when you've done everything right, things would still refuse to go your way, because it's life. But this rarely happens (maybe just under 1%), and even when this unwanted scenario happens, an alpha would just move on instead of getting stuck at that point.

 

This is nonsense, what you've been suggesting is a man can control a womans behavior by being selfish and focusing on himself. So let's look at how OPs relationship would look using your logic. He goes to the gym then does something else to make himself happy, let's say a strip club then makes his rounds of the local bars with his buddies, bed and repeat. Meanwhile his girlfriend is hanging out with her exes, having several men orbiting. So when do they actually have a relationship? Meeting twice a week at 12 am for a booty call? Maybe that's what you consider a relationship, I assure you not many others will.

Edited January 7, 2019 by thaygiaogiang

[Normm]

Oh, and I know this might be difficult for some guys here to digest, but when a relationship goes downhill, it's 99,99% the guys' faults.

 

 

Only if you're the guy.

[olivetree]

If you're happy with the compromise OP, that is all that matters.