Anxiety in Relationships

[Lotus_Luna]

Had anyone dealt with their anxiety being triggered when in a relationship? The anxiety is NOT fact based, pirely comes from within. What tools helped you cope and work through it.

[SophieG]

Had anyone dealt with their anxiety being triggered when in a relationship? The anxiety is NOT fact based, pirely comes from within. What tools helped you cope and work through it.

 

Yup! Me. I’m anxious in general, but when I’m dating, my anxiety and insecurities are pretty intense. I overthink everything, a single text can become this huge thing and the relationship can end prematurely because I’m in my own head way toi much.

I’ve been dating this guy for 6 months and there’s up and downs (in my head, because based on facts, everything is pretty great). Whenever I start to overthink something, instead of going to him and start a fight, I call a friend or I try to look at the facts and not the catastrophic scenario I’m playing in my head.

Do you have examples of how your anxiety manifests itself in a relationship?

[Garcon1986]

As a man I became anxious about my girlfriend fighting with me every time I went to the bathroom in a restaurant, or everytime I called my parents on the phone - to criticize me for texting other women or hearing unsavory commentary about her behind her back. This got so bad that I eventually left the relationship. While I was in it, I tried my hardest to get her to see logic and reason, and try to convince her that my parents can be on her side if she would only let them - but she was convinced they were against her. Your anxiety is probably a little different, but in my mind it takes a great deal of discipline and practice to control it.

[SophieG]

As a man I became anxious about my girlfriend fighting with me every time I went to the bathroom in a restaurant, or everytime I called my parents on the phone - to criticize me for texting other women or hearing unsavory commentary about her behind her back. This got so bad that I eventually left the relationship. While I was in it, I tried my hardest to get her to see logic and reason, and try to convince her that my parents can be on her side if she would only let them - but she was convinced they were against her. Your anxiety is probably a little different, but in my mind it takes a great deal of discipline and practice to control it.

 

I would say that your anxiety was justified! I’m usually overthinking everything for no reason! For example, a text will be a little colder than usual and my brain will go crazy thinking he’s mad or not interested anymore or whatever... but nothing actually justifies my reaction because he’s acting the same. His text might not have anything to do with me (busy so he answered quickly, having a bad day, etc.). So when it happens, I do my best to look at fact : how did he treat me last time I saw him? Did he call me tonight as usual? How was he on the phone? If I feel like his actions are a little off, then I’ll ask questions based on facts and not my overthinking brain, ex : Hey you didn’t call mw yesterday, dis you fall asleep? Or is something up!? The danger with anxiety is when you let your brain take control and you start questioning everything. You make scenarios in your head that you start believing (instead of the facts), then your behavior changes, which then leads to conflict... all this because of the overthinking.

So my proposition would be, ALWAYS look at facts, no matter what your brain tells you.

[preraph]

Always. I am such a rational sane common-sense person except when in love or even lust. Part of mine is insecurity and part of what bothers me the most is seeing what women guys choose over me and then feeling deeply insulted by that. See, while insecure, I nonetheless know my depth and my worth and value myself highly, so I just can't respect that! I lose respect for them for having bad taste, basically! Of course, some of the guys I fell for, I saw living their lives before I was in them and after. The opposite of no contact.

 

As I got older, I came to at least stop being surprised by what some men valued in a woman, but I never endorsed it. Yes, there were a couple who appreciated me and liked lots about me, but both of them were just too easy and honestly, their subsequent picks seemed random. There was a wide range of women they liked just fine, you know. I do think I was very special to them, not just one of the crowd, but in the end, they needed something I couldn't provide. I was just the opposite. I was interested in a narrow scope of men. I've always said those who were more mainstream and attracted/got along with a wide variety will be the ones who find partners that last longer term. I'm easily amused, yes, but not in that way.

 

I think life experience and maybe therapy might help the insecurity part. Self-discipline is necessary to overcome anything like that, and lots of it. No one can flip a switch and be secure all of a sudden. It's going to be very much a fake it until you make it scenario -- but first you have to understand all the ways you act out your insecurity so you even KNOW what to make yourself stop.

[Lotus_Luna]

My feelings are not valid or based in reality.

 

Its my insecurities about not being worthy. I will twist my perception that I’m being used, or he is annoyed of me.

 

These are NOT factual.

 

I was really damaged before, I couldnt accept anyone would love me. I’n working throughg it.

[Garcon1986]

Then have a try at discipline with controlling your thoughts

and

actively seek out model relationships and chat with those people who you think have great times with their partners. Try to experience those lives a little bit. That way you can see the wider world and know that while you were hurt, sunshine is still out there.

[See-Me-Feel-Me]

Anxiety that is not fact based is called neurosis (unless it is chemically induced which may happen in a number of ways). But neurosis is often a sign of a developmental issue like BPD in which a person tends to hate experiencing any feelings that aren't good ones and develops quirky coping mechanisms to blame others, project, and evade responsibilities for causing non-fact-based hardships in relationships. Consider. No offense intended.

[preraph]

Your fears may be irrational applied to a new relationship, but I bet they're valid once you trace them back to where they started, and it's important to do that if you've had no luck doing otherwise through discipline and doing your own behavior modification. Those fears originated somewhere, maybe parents/siblings, maybe bullying, maybe early rejection, but somewhere.

[Giraffe-A]

Depending how I met someone. I used to get major anxiety having met someone using an online service. The cycle of choosing to reply to someone, having a great time communicatung, going on the date and soon after feeling interest slowly fading. When I got out of online dating, I felt so mych better. During that time I was surrounded by many older men. Talking to them about their relationships really put a lot of stuff into perspective. It taught me to trust again, leave it to the universe to work it out and just be the best version of me everytime. Somehow, they all ended with the people they were meant to be with.

 

Since then I really did enter a relationship with my all. If I got a weird feeling, I left, obviously, but I felt in tact. If you are sure of yourself and what you want, you realize that the only person you can control is you. You still go through the disappointments and heartache but thats life. I just like that my anxieties were work of my insecurities. I now go based on my intuitions.

[Kitty Tantrum]

I have a lot of anxiety that I think mostly stems from baggage from previous relationships. I'm highly resistant to labeling anyone as abusive, but my ex-husband was definitely emotionally volatile - and I'm more sensitive than I like to admit. It's maddening because now my anxiety gets triggered by things that are, in reality, totally innocuous.

 

I think I usually have a pretty good handle on it. I can generally tell when I'm anxious for a legitimate reason vs. when I'm triggered by something that brings up old feelings. It can be as simple as my fiancé being annoyed at something he's working on, and making certain sounds or facial expressions - and part of my brain starts freaking out and telling me I'm about to get yelled at or berated, and then takes it a step further and dredges up all of the emotions associated with being yelled at/berated, even though my fiancé literally NEVER does that, and even though I KNOW on the cognitive level that his annoyance/upset has nothing to do with me.

 

It sucks because I get to FEEL as though my fiancé just ripped into me for some reason, even though nothing actually happened. Sometimes my mind even plays back something my ex-husband might have said to me, but in my fiancé's voice. I hate that so much.

 

The way I manage it isn't necessarily ideal - I usually just stay quiet and/or make myself scarce and wait for it to subside. I know it's not real. I know that it's a chemical reaction and that without any actual basis in reality to keep it going, the feelings will fade away fairly shortly.

 

I am definitely considering therapy of some sort. It's getting better over time, but not as quickly as I would like. I've been well away from my ex-husband for five years, and with my fiancé for three of those. I feel like I shouldn't still be struggling with this!

[Lotus_Luna]

Anxiety that is not fact based is called neurosis (unless it is chemically induced which may happen in a number of ways). But neurosis is often a sign of a developmental issue like BPD in which a person tends to hate experiencing any feelings that aren't good ones and develops quirky coping mechanisms to blame others, project, and evade responsibilities for causing non-fact-based hardships in relationships. Consider. No offense intended.

 

When youre damanged from years in an abusive marriage, you struggle with worth. I still hear the words ‘youre not _____ enough’ in the back of my head.

 

I will always worry that no one can really love me.

[Lotus_Luna]

I have a lot of anxiety that I think mostly stems from baggage from previous relationships. I'm highly resistant to labeling anyone as abusive, but my ex-husband was definitely emotionally volatile - and I'm more sensitive than I like to admit. It's maddening because now my anxiety gets triggered by things that are, in reality, totally innocuous.

 

I think I usually have a pretty good handle on it. I can generally tell when I'm anxious for a legitimate reason vs. when I'm triggered by something that brings up old feelings. It can be as simple as my fiancé being annoyed at something he's working on, and making certain sounds or facial expressions - and part of my brain starts freaking out and telling me I'm about to get yelled at or berated, and then takes it a step further and dredges up all of the emotions associated with being yelled at/berated, even though my fiancé literally NEVER does that, and even though I KNOW on the cognitive level that his annoyance/upset has nothing to do with me.

 

It sucks because I get to FEEL as though my fiancé just ripped into me for some reason, even though nothing actually happened. Sometimes my mind even plays back something my ex-husband might have said to me, but in my fiancé's voice. I hate that so much.

 

The way I manage it isn't necessarily ideal - I usually just stay quiet and/or make myself scarce and wait for it to subside. I know it's not real. I know that it's a chemical reaction and that without any actual basis in reality to keep it going, the feelings will fade away fairly shortly.

 

I am definitely considering therapy of some sort. It's getting better over time, but not as quickly as I would like. I've been well away from my ex-husband for five years, and with my fiancé for three of those. I feel like I shouldn't still be struggling with this!

 

THIS

OMG YES

 

This I relate to, sooo deeply... i know its not reality and I work throigh iy

[preraph]

That almost sounds more like PTSD ^.

[See-Me-Feel-Me]

THIS

OMG YES

 

This I relate to, sooo deeply... i know its not reality and I work throigh iy

She said she's "considering" therapy. I was in such a shambles after I broke up with the BPD that I put myself in therapy. I'm so glad I did. My last words to her were "either you go and get a diagnosis or it's over". Then I called her back and said, "never mind, it's too late". Then it occurred to me to get help myself for the first time in my life. Talk therapy really didn't work, but psychiatry totally liberated me in ways I never knew could be possible. I lost the social anxiety that plagued me--I was a blusher and never wanted to be seen like that. It never happens anymore. Medicine is transparent when it is the right one. Don't procrastinate. There is no reason you can't be loved--you must learn how to love yourself first.

[Lotus_Luna]

She said she's "considering" therapy. I was in such a shambles after I broke up with the BPD that I put myself in therapy. I'm so glad I did. My last words to her were "either you go and get a diagnosis or it's over". Then I called her back and said, "never mind, it's too late". Then it occurred to me to get help myself for the first time in my life. Talk therapy really didn't work, but psychiatry totally liberated me in ways I never knew could be possible. I lost the social anxiety that plagued me--I was a blusher and never wanted to be seen like that. It never happens anymore. Medicine is transparent when it is the right one. Don't procrastinate. There is no reason you can't be loved--you must learn how to love yourself first.

 

My husband has BPD

 

I’ve been in therapy for two years

 

I’ve grown so much in amazing ways

 

But this anxiety and self doubt still lingers. Today it hit, I stopped and identified what it was. I immediately reminded myself that it was the broken parts talking and not reality. I spoke woth my friend, posted on here and decided to bring it up at my next session.

[Fair]

Relationships are triggering for all of us... it's par for the course.

[Kitty Tantrum]

That almost sounds more like PTSD ^.

 

I suppose it does. I've done some searching and reading in the past, and came across the term "Complex PTSD" which seems pretty in-line with a lot of what I experience. I mean, it IS anxiety, but not JUST anxiety.

 

I'll admit I'm not super motivated about seeking counseling/therapy. I suspect it might be helpful, but I've ALWAYS had anxiety relating to communication, especially via telephone, so the prospect of shopping for a therapist is daunting - especially since my only viable option is to go through my state's poor-people-healthcare. I've never been able to get an appointment for anything without having to make at least half a dozen phone calls, waiting on hold sometimes for hours, and getting the run-around from call center employees who transfer me around in circles between departments (A says I need to talk to B, B says I need to talk to C, C says I need to talk to A - call A again and get told I actually need to talk to D, D refers me back to B, etc.), and who speak with accents so thick I can barely understand them.