I allowed myself to get caught in the moment and now I feel terrible.

[Atom_Bomb_Baby]

I recently met a guy and dove into a relationship with him WAY too fast. I should know better, I am in my 40's, but I allowed my emotions to control me and now I regret it. He is a very nice man, but I just don't see us going anywhere. The problem is, he does (and very much so).

 

 

I had imagined kind of a "friends with benefits" scenario with this guy when we hooked up, but he got super serious on me right away and, instead of ruining the moment with sanity, I went along with his ideas as if they were something I wanted. Now reality has set in and I realize that I want NONE of what he wants, and I don't know what to do. [sigh] What have I done?

 

I slept with him one time, and now he wants to marry me. He already tells people that I am his wife (!). The other day he asked me if his daughter could call me "mom" (!!). I am overwhelmed by all of this, but in the heat of the moment (while we were having sex and in the afterglow of sex) I said some things that may have indicated that I wanted these things. I thought surely these were just fantasies that he was whispering to me in order to get off... because, I mean, we really don't know each other that well. But no.

 

He has done nothing but bother the piss out of me since that day. He shows up at my work wanting to sneak off and have some kind of make out session. Just, no, dude. I can't seem to drop clear enough hints that I am not really interested in anything beyond sex. HAAALP! LOL.

[Giraffe-A]

This sounds like it’s temporary for him too but he doesn’t know it yet. How old is he and is his last breakup recent? Tell him straight out that you are sorry if you mislead him but this is going way too fast for you and don’t feel like pursuing this further. Or if you wish to maintain FWB, that can be mentioned too. I think he’s just letting you heae what he thinks you want to hear. Deep down he may be starved for affection.

[See-Me-Feel-Me]

Have your talk and accept whatever responsibility for leading him in that moment. And, if he bugs you, close the show.

[Atom_Bomb_Baby]

I recently crossed the line with a male friend of mine. He started flirting one night over FB Messenger and I was just in the right mood, I guess, because I flirted right back. I was always a little attracted to him in the first place so I figured “why not?”. Heh. So, yeah, our flirting turned into sexting and we ended up hooking up at his place the next day.

 

I should know better, I am in my 40's, but I allowed my emotions to control me and now I regret it. He is a very nice man and I have known him for quite a while, but he has really crossed some lines with me over this (he DOES NOT respect my boundaries) and I just don't see us going anywhere. I was maybe interested in pursuing more with him, but between my lack of self control and his over eagerness, that notion has just died for me. The problem is, he does see us going places (and very much so).

 

 

I had imagined kind of a "friends with benefits" scenario with this guy, at least at first, but he got super serious on me right away. And, instead of ruining the moment with sanity, I went along with his ideas as if they were something I wanted. That is to say, I agreed to be his girlfriend. He immediately started calling me his soulmate and started talking about marriage. I didn’t disagree, and that is totally my bad, and I own this mistake 100% (which I have explained to him numerous times, for the record). Now reality has set in and I realize that I want NONE of what he wants, and I don't know what to do. [sigh] What have I done? I was horny and in the moment and I acted like a stupid kid. I let a fantasy go too far.

 

So now I am in this scenario where I don’t know what to do. I slept with him one time, and now he wants to marry me. He already tells people that I am his wife (!). The other day he asked me if his daughter could call me "mom" (!!). I am overwhelmed by all of this, but in the heat of the moment (while we were having sex and in the afterglow of sex) I said some things that may have indicated that I wanted these things. I thought surely these were just fantasies that he was whispering to me in order to get off... because, I mean, we have only been friends for three years and, prior to this, really hadn’t gotten past the small-talk phase of our friendship. We met through friends and were both in other relationships at the time, so we were only ever just friends before all of this.

 

But it was not a fantasy for him. He was, apparently, VERY serious.

 

He has done nothing but bother the piss out of me about our relationship since we hooked up. He shows up at my work like a horny teenager, wanting to sneak off and have some kind of make out session. Just, no, dude. I am at work. I have straight up told him that he can’t just hang out at my job, but he shows up every time I work, anyway. He brings me stuff even though I have repeatedly asked him not to. It’s become quite a nightmare for us both.

 

I can't seem to drop clear enough hints that I was not, initially, interested in anything beyond sex. I told him I just wanted to be friends with benefits. I swear he just pretends he doesn’t hear anything I say about not wanting to make any commitments to him and just sticks to this fantasy he has about me being his wife. At this point, I am not even interested in the sex anymore, I just want him to leave me alone.

 

The last time we spoke, I straight-up told him that I got caught up in the heat of the moment and that I was not interested in a full time, committed relationship at this time (at least, not with him). I apologized to him profusely for misleading him to the point that I was in tears (I really do feel just terrible). But about three minutes later he asked me if I would look into his eyes and declare myself his wife. Really, dude?! Not only is that in direct contradiction to what I just told you I wanted, but it’s the saddest, most desperate thing I have ever witnessed. He would rather pretend I am his wife than do any of the work required to actually make it so. It was his over eagerness that turned me off right from the beginning (well, as soon as reality set in). If he would just slow down, he *might* have a chance. I just can’t get him to see that.

[Atom_Bomb_Baby]

This sounds like it’s temporary for him too but he doesn’t know it yet. How old is he and is his last breakup recent? Tell him straight out that you are sorry if you mislead him but this is going way too fast for you and don’t feel like pursuing this further. Or if you wish to maintain FWB, that can be mentioned too. I think he’s just letting you heae what he thinks you want to hear. Deep down he may be starved for affection.

 

Thanks for the reply.

 

He is 48 years old (I am 44). I feel like this is is a rookie mistake, but we had both been out of the dating game for a while so here we are. He has actually recently gone through a divorce, and I TOTALLY feel like he is using me to try and fill the void that the divorce left in his life. The way he talks about his ex, I think he may have been starved for affection a lot longer than the eight months they have been divorced.

 

I did mention trying to maintain a FWB relationship, to which he replied that I could consider it that way if I wanted but that in his mind I was his wife. :/ I did not feel like that was a healthy scenario for either one of us so I quickly shut that down. But he still thinks we are a thing and refuses to accept otherwise. I fear that this may become a stalker situation for me. I guess the lesson here is that some avenues are better left unexplored.

[Atom_Bomb_Baby]

Have your talk and accept whatever responsibility for leading him in that moment. And, if he bugs you, close the show.

 

Thank you for the response.

 

I have talked to him about this twice now and he is in complete denial. I really had no idea what I was getting into with this guy. I am starting to think that he would probably be acting this way even if I hadn’t lost my damn mind said stupid, insincere things during sex. I have told him that it’s all my fault and that he’s even allowed to be angry with me because I shouldn’t have said things that I did not mean. He refuses to acknowledge that I didn’t mean them. I am really sad for him, but I can’t rescue him.

 

As I said to Giraffe-A, I think he’s trying to fill a void that a recent divorce left in his life.

[Giraffe-A]

Thanks for the reply.

 

He is 48 years old (I am 44). I feel like this is is a rookie mistake, but we had both been out of the dating game for a while so here we are. He has actually recently gone through a divorce, and I TOTALLY feel like he is using me to try and fill the void that the divorce left in his life. The way he talks about his ex, I think he may have been starved for affection a lot longer than the eight months they have been divorced.

 

I did mention trying to maintain a FWB relationship, to which he replied that I could consider it that way if I wanted but that in his mind I was his wife. :/ I did not feel like that was a healthy scenario for either one of us so I quickly shut that down. But he still thinks we are a thing and refuses to accept otherwise. I fear that this may become a stalker situation for me. I guess the lesson here is that some avenues are better left unexplored.

No problem

As suspected, fresh divorce and ready to promise the world to the first gal. It sounds creepy but he really is starved for a feeling. Us single gals fall for that all the time. Once you give him what he wants and starts seeing more clearly, he’ll drop the gal and leave her confused. What a world. I feel he could still be your FWB. If the situation was something else, I would have considered him a creeper.

[Normm]

This is why they have restraining orders.

[maxi105]

hello atom bomb.

 

this is my first reply for a while, so i hope you and all the folks on the shack had a good christmas (if you celebrate), and if it wasnt that good for any of you out there, then hopefully the new year can offer you a fresh start or at least a little hope, renewed confidence or an easier time of it all if you need to adjust to stuff or help to move forward if this year hasnt gone so well etc...

 

ok, back to your situation.

 

i agree with "see me's" sentiments, in that you gotta talk to this guy and be honest in accepting that you went too far in what you said for how you feel about things now.

 

its no good hinting!!!!!! you need to work on your communicating style when things have got mixed up like this, because now it sounds pretty uncomfortable for you, and rather unfair for him if he turns out to be a decent guy who just fell too hard too quickly.

 

if you dont see your relationship going anywhere with him you gotta let him know that youre not into him anymore and be KIND about it (but honest!!!!) and call it off!!!!

 

dont you want more than just sex in your life in your 40's????? (and yes, i would be saying the same thing if you were 20's 30's or 50's etc...) I don't actually think this situation is just as simple as putting it all on a guy who is now divorced and potentially treated in a certain way...you say yourself that you don't actually know this man well!!!, I feel its about perceptions of what people think is expected of them sexually and as a gender, and needing to perform regardless of what people (or they themselves feel), and now that sad little fantasy has turned into something that is not what is peddled by the media to anyone dumb enough to think that's what it is and must be to be perceived as everyday and worthy!

 

surely true happiness that is lasting in a good, healthy and mature relationship means that it is also a respectful one that will actually go somewhere and the people in it will want it to move along together and for it to actually mean something special and they will want it to go forward so they can grow deeper and feel their connection is a real, human loving and careing one.

 

hmm...i dont beleive if nothing more lasting with more quality on offer than just sex with someone you dont really know or sound like you care about even that much can really feel or will really leave you feeling fulfilled and secure or respected (on both sides in the long term). all that is going on seems to be people using each other for sex or are still together for convenience because your communication is poor. I say that as if it were clearer you wouldn't be in this situation still, so you need to really make a big effort to get this done with, and if you cant then maybe you need to seek professional advice to be on the safe side of things!

 

the whole problem with the majority of fwb's is that however much people want to try to control the casual thing or think they can handle the other persons casual needs, along the line somewhere; emotions do get involved and you end up hurting people, things getting out of hand or someone gets real bored or sick of it all! and that's what has happened here i think. its empty and you already know that. its also sounding pretty dangerous or potentially so anyway, if he Is turning up at your workplace!

 

this guy doesnt sound right for you from what youve said, so why even keep on with this, it sounds really unhealthy and a worthless, and pretty desperate situation for him and you.

 

i think it might be a good idea for you to reflect on this after youve told him the real truth about what you actually want (or dont want anymore!!!!) so it doenst happen with the next guys you meet down the line.

 

you also need to be careful a bit more when you mess with people in this way and emotions get involved,(intentially or not) especially if people feel that you have lead them on!!!! there is no knowing what people are capable of if they feel used or made a fool of by others! so sort this out a.s.a.p, before you are regretting a lot more than you bargained for and things turn bad or you are put in a difficult situation socially, psychologically or sexually!!!!

 

also, maybe if you feel such a need or want to only ever sleep around then at least find someone who is going to be more appropriate in wanting quick sex and let them know that you dont intend to see them again: straight away if its a heat of the moment thing, or before hand if there is a build up to you sleeping together, that way you will either get to see how shallow and empty it all feels after a time (and it will), and you can at least both get what you want and move on without all the building immaturity and drama, or tempting real trouble to come.

 

its about respect (your self respect, and his).

 

ok, that's my thoughts on it. I have changed the reply slightly as more has been posted since my initial reply was ready to send a few moments ago, so its up to you what you do with this, but whatever you do decide you need to sort this out and finalise things properly and very quickly.

 

it shouldn't really have been able to get this far you are not a child, but now it has you need to do all you can to stop it and ensure that you take more care and thought in the future about what messages you are sending out to people (especially in the bedroom!!!!).

 

I wish you well, even if it sounds a bit harsh in places, its a situation that has the potential in a bad circumstance to be a real problem and could be quite dangerous...hopefully it wont come to anything more than a lesson for you to be more careful.

 

ok, take care, I hope you can get it sorted:eek:. maxi

[See-Me-Feel-Me]

...

As I said to Giraffe-A, I think he’s trying to fill a void that a recent divorce left in his life.

 

 

Definitely. He wants to be settled in a hurry. Sorry if you have to get mean to get through and tell him to f*ck off. He has to learn it ain't all about him. There is a reason he is divorced.

[Malin889]

So after one day of flirting on FB messenger af one night of hooking up, he thinks you two are getting married? Maybe he is on meds or something. How can someone be in denial after such a short period of time? Something seems very amiss with him.

[Atom_Bomb_Baby]

Thanks for the reply. I think you are spot on, and I am completely owning this mistake. I didn't know enough about this guy to just leap into bed with him as I did and now I am paying for it. I do feel quite childish to have gotten myself into this mess. I just didn't get the serious vibe from this guy until after it was way too late (meaning, after I was already in his bed), as it had more of a "hook up" vibe when we were texting each other the day before. But that's no excuse for me losing my head.

 

And, it's not that I _only_ want sex in my life, it's just that that's the only expectation I had for this particular encounter. I didn't know that it was going to turn into an instant marriage proposal!

 

I have made arrangements to see him again on Wed. afternoon and I plan on laying it all out for him as plainly as I can and make it clear that I am not his girlfriend or his wife. I don't want to have to get mean about it, but I can't just let this guy pretend that we are married or even dating. Yikes.

 

Thanks for the advice. I will definitely think a lot harder about what I want before I drag another person into my mess (LOL). I will make sure to make it very clear, in advance, that I am not looking for an instant boyfriend or husband.

[stillafool]

If you've already told him several times you don't want a relationship with him and he still doesn't get the message then go ahead and block him from contacting you. If you've already told him how you feel I wouldn't waste energy meeting him on Wednesday to repeat it.

[emeraldgreen]

This dude hears but doesn't listen. It's almost scary to read. An easy letdown isn't an option for someone with his level of delusion. Rip the band-aid off and block on all platforms.

[Malin889]

Thanks for the reply. I think you are spot on, and I am completely owning this mistake. I didn't know enough about this guy to just leap into bed with him as I did and now I am paying for it. I do feel quite childish to have gotten myself into this mess. I just didn't get the serious vibe from this guy until after it was way too late (meaning, after I was already in his bed), as it had more of a "hook up" vibe when we were texting each other the day before. But that's no excuse for me losing my head.

 

And, it's not that I _only_ want sex in my life, it's just that that's the only expectation I had for this particular encounter. I didn't know that it was going to turn into an instant marriage proposal!

 

I have made arrangements to see him again on Wed. afternoon and I plan on laying it all out for him as plainly as I can and make it clear that I am not his girlfriend or his wife. I don't want to have to get mean about it, but I can't just let this guy pretend that we are married or even dating. Yikes.

 

Thanks for the advice. I will definitely think a lot harder about what I want before I drag another person into my mess (LOL). I will make sure to make it very clear, in advance, that I am not looking for an instant boyfriend or husband.

 

I don’t think you should see him again on Wednesday (today?!). Call him and tell him you are not interested.

[ChatroomHero]

Um, him asking if his daughter can call you mom should have been the point you said, nope. I'm out. I mean that is actually very creepy to me.