How to make a change with no motivation?

[brownygoldy]

There are too many issues and too much context to my situation so I will try to condense it for the purpose of sharing what I’m struggling with.

 

On the face of it, it all started 3 years ago when I woke up one day just feeling ‘different’. I had severe leg cramps, zero energy and felt depressed, anxious and disconnected out of nowhere. The day before this happened I was an active, hard working, driven and happy 25 year old woman.

 

This change in myself amplified with too many symptoms to write about but the crux of it is that I was eventually diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and am still struggling with life 3 years on.

 

This syndrome revealed the worst aspects of my life and myself. I remembered childhood traumas that I had not thought about for the first 25 years of my life, became extremely needy in relationships and friendships, and lost my spark as an individual. I haven’t worked since this happened as I have no energy, no drive, no motivation.

 

There have been periods of ups and I’ve been able to maintain some semblances of a normal life with relationships, friends and family but recently I have completely lost interest in these things also. I’ve deceloped social anxiety whereas previous to this change I was confident, self assured and respected. I’m the reliable doer in my friends circle and family, I plan events, I takecare of my cousins, I keep the family together, I am the fun yet wise one.

 

I am the person within my family and friends circle who is always available for emotional support, always seen as the caring and good friend but I have myself realised that there’s nobody that I can turn to. I have for the most part put a positive face on and continued social interactions but recently I just feel so negative and down about my condition, I have reached out to a few friends and there’s no concern or help. I injured my arm a week ago whilst with my friends and ended up in A&E alone as they were too drunk and enjoying their night to come.

 

My ex ended up coming as he was also there on the night, so he stayed with me through the treatment, we spent the night together, slept together and he then left me with my injured arm and this memory is quite traumatising for me. In summary I have a soft tissue injury and can’t use my right arm. He ensured I was ok and alive but has said he won’t drop everything for me, I understand but it’s hard as I’m the sort of person who would drop anything for him... and anybody I care about. This ex was from a year and a half long relationship, we had an incredible sexual and emotional connection but he has ended things and I don’t blame him as he is positively moving through the phases of his life whilst I am still stuck with no energy or support to move anywhere forward. Not very attractive understandably. He has wished me well and requested no contact which I’m struggling with, partly because I have nobody else. It’s like a double sided battle - illness and heartbreak.

 

My family are the typical Asian controlling, demanding and pressurising family who ignore my illness as it’s easier for them to brush things under the carpet and pretend that everything is functioning for the sake of their own reputation. I struggle to live with them yet when alone feel myself descending into a lonely and dark place. I feel like there is no way out as I don’t have the energetic resources to materialise alternatives. Prior to the illness I lived alone, in my country and abroad, and loved the independence but back then I was strong and happy, had a job I loved and a social life and more importantly had the resilience and emotional stability to handle stress, eg from family or relationships (was in a 6 year toxic and abusive relationship which took a lot of work to walk away from but managed it successfully - this was a year before I got ill).

 

I feel doomed to the constraints of this apparently incurable illness which has irrevocably changed me and my personality and reduced me to a shell of my former self.

 

I almost feel like I want to either give up completely or go and meditate in a cave for the rest of my life. Which I can’t bexause my sister is getting married abroad in 2 months and I’m planning her hen do for 50 people which is taking place in 2 weeks and planning a pre wedding party abroad which is taking place in a month and I just feel so.damn.exhausted. with it all and wish somebody could appreciate that and me and give me some respite and positivity, care and compassion.

 

Any alternative advice from somebody who has experienced anything like I am? I am considering taking anti depressants. I have tried counselling, reiki, yoga, homeopathy, acupuncture and more.

 

Thank you

Edited December 31, 2018 by brownygoldy

[Giraffe-A]

There are underlying issues to this that you may actually can get help with. I got something similar after catching the Swine flu at the top of the epidemic. I slept for 36 hours at a time, could not stay awake. My body felt like it was going through the initial stages of flu everyday. I almost didn’t pass any of my college courses and it was sleepy all the time!

I had to use ephedra then to keep me going. My doctor blamed it on my age and he also said it was Chronic fatigue syndrome but after a year, i slowly started sleeping less and less. I still have trouble staying awake, but i can manage. Try to get more opinions. Antidepressants were given to some. I didn’t get them. Hopefully you can find a solution soon!

[Mr. Lucky]

On the face of it, it all started 3 years ago when I woke up one day just feeling ‘different’. I had severe leg cramps, zero energy and felt depressed, anxious and disconnected out of nowhere. The day before this happened I was an active, hard working, driven and happy 25 year old woman.

 

Simply on a statistical basis, I'd guess you have an undiagnosed mental or physical disorder. It would be extremely rare to fall asleep healthy one day and wake up the next with CFS, a disease about which there is little medical agreement.

 

And while I understand your interest in non-traditional medicine, your hope probably lies in more conventional testing and treatment. I have a niece who's gone down a similar path, she was eventually treated for depression and has responded well. Hope you find similar success...

 

Mr. Lucky

[GoreSP]

You look like you have a lot going on. My feeling is that you have surrounded yourself with one-sided friendships and the best thing you can do is get rid of the «friends» and make new ones.

 

You have no energy, no drive and no motivation because all that energy is going towards everyone else. Let go of the need to control everything and do everything and be there for everyone.

It is clearly a one-way street for you.

[Redhead14]

"I remembered childhood traumas" . . . All of this could be about a long-held coping mechanism you'd been employing to dissociate yourself from significant childhood trauma. Depending on the nature and severity of that trauma, an adult woman could have been employing dissociation up to a 'trigger' point at which time the "veil" drops and repressed memories and emotions come flooding back. Sometimes a "victim" will experience depression-like symptoms following a trigger for some time and then the coping mechanism that kept the memories from affecting them significantly starts to fail.

 

You might want to try a therapist. Your symptoms may not be based on physical issues. They may be the result of mental and emotional trauma which can lead to depression and physical manifestations as well.