Dreams, struggling and contact

[Twizzlestick]

Just woke up (UK) and thought I’d pen down my feelings, more to myself to put them on paper.

 

10 years rele. Been dumped. I’m a bloke late 30s.

 

It’s been two weeks. I’ve been wracked with the most heart wrenching dreams. I wake up and feel exhausted. It goes on all night. When I wake up, onky to drift off, a new one starts. Last one was me landing at the small regional airport next to where we lived. I was searching for her frantically through the terminal offices, unable to find her. It’s where we both worked for ten years you see. My mind is replaying a version of what used to happen but this time she’s gone.

 

I wanted NC. First day after dumping I cracked and we chatted on the phone. Nice chat. She wanted to remain contact, all nice etc. Started normal. A very belated text telling me about her getting a new job in another country (that stung). Then over Christmas collapsed to short, cold messages. I tried ringing once. She rang back, I just let it ring. I knew after those messages it wasn’t going to be a call I’d want. Dealing with a cold, awkward character on the other line. That’s got to hurt. I’ve not reached out only that one time. I’m not doing it again.

 

So that’s where I’m at. Struggling. I’m stuck in coming out of denial I think. I’m telling myself all the time. But I know the part of the brain that has no levers or controls attached to it is doing what it wants. Refusing to accept.

 

I feel I need to do something. Thoughts of suspending my Facebook, insta, blocking numbers. It all seems so drastic. It’s not like it’s anytning other than adverts, mums and baby photos, stupid memes. Rather a link to a whole life I used to have that’s come to a close. But maybe it’s what my brain needs to be forced to face what’s happening.

Edited December 31, 2018 by Twizzlestick

[Sarah_Smiles]

Hi, Twizzlestick

 

How you'd make out with the Christmas holidays? I left you a reply in that big coping thread previously... Hope you can have yourself a decent NYE with friends.

 

Your relationship was longer than mine - mine was 8 years from meeting to end. So, I definitely get the pain you must be feeling at the loss of your partner of so many years and so many memories. Only 2 weeks in, isn't much time to even process what has occurred, IMO. My ex wanted to stay in contact too, his exact words" I don't think we should stop talking because that would mean all the time we shared was meaningless if we cannot even remain friends after all this" and then cut less than a year later and me still thinking we could restart ( because he led me to think this, they like to keep you on the hook, be warned, to be toyed with, make themselves feel good) only to tell me it is weird and awkward to still have feelings involved with an ex, WTF? because no longer convenient for him, so be wary about keeping contact, you may be hurt twice too.

 

If you have saved up and can afford a month away or even several weeks, go to another country with a good pal and see life elsewhere, it helped me.

 

Better things in 2019!

[Twizzlestick]

Hi, Twizzlestick

 

How you'd make out with the Christmas holidays? I left you a reply in that big coping thread previously... Hope you can have yourself a decent NYE with friends.

 

Your relationship was longer than mine - mine was 8 years from meeting to end. So, I definitely get the pain you must be feeling at the loss of your partner of so many years and so many memories. Only 2 weeks in, isn't much time to even process what has occurred, IMO. My ex wanted to stay in contact too, his exact words" I don't think we should stop talking because that would mean all the time we shared was meaningless if we cannot even remain friends after all this" and then cut less than a year later and me still thinking we could restart ( because he led me to think this, they like to keep you on the hook, be warned, to be toyed with, make themselves feel good) only to tell me it is weird and awkward to still have feelings involved with an ex, WTF? because no longer convenient for him, so be wary about keeping contact, you may be hurt twice too.

 

If you have saved up and can afford a month away or even several weeks, go to another country with a good pal and see life elsewhere, it helped me.

 

Better things in 2019!

 

Hi Sarah

 

Yes, thats right you did thanks for your reply. I hope Christmas passed ok for you too.

 

Christmas came and went for me like walking across glass are foot. I tried to share with family as much as poss but a lot was causing extra pain. All the emotive songs, carols etc. I avoided a lot of it. I just wrote a Christmas off. I’m not looking forward to this Eve as it has special memories. I plan to skip it all, watch a film and go to bed. It’s just how I am, I dint do well with trying to get out and have fun. It’s early yet I guess.

 

I will have to get out there. I love being with my family, I’m very lucky but they live in a very desolate, remote area in the country and it’s quite depressive surroundings. When I’ve picked up I will have to set some adventures.

 

You’re so right. I don’t think it’s even dawned on me. I’m very nervous about it when it does. I loved that person beyond what I knew possible and I dint handle emotional pain very well.

 

At the min it’s hard to imagine her ever reaching out with a friendly tone again. It’s plummeted from nice to icy cold and now ghosting. We never fell out, the break up was drama free.. I suspect it’s because of the relief stage the dumpers get. I don’t know. It almost feels she’s trying to set up for a fall out now or bad vibes. I’ve pulled away as don’t want to allow myself to be drawn into that after it’s ended.

 

But equally I suppose months down the road feelings swing around and that’s when exes reach out. I’d only want to hear if she genuinely wanted to work things out. But I know the answer to that. In my boots. I suspect like you say if she did reach out it would be curiosity at best

[d0nnivain]

You were together a long time. Your recovery is not going to be quick. You have managed civil. That is something.

 

For now, distract yourself. You know she has a new job in a new country. When you want to reach out call somebody else; post here; go for a run Do anything except call her.

 

Hang in there.

[Sarah_Smiles]

Hi Sarah

 

Yes, thats right you did thanks for your reply. I hope Christmas passed ok for you too.

 

Christmas came and went for me like walking across glass are foot. I tried to share with family as much as poss but a lot was causing extra pain. All the emotive songs, carols etc. I avoided a lot of it. I just wrote a Christmas off. I’m not looking forward to this Eve as it has special memories. I plan to skip it all, watch a film and go to bed. It’s just how I am, I dint do well with trying to get out and have fun. It’s early yet I guess..................................

 

 

Hi again, Twizzlestick

 

Did you get yourself out there with friends for NYE, or stay in and watch a film like you mentioned, if so what film did you watch? Christmas went well enough, always miss my dad during those times, he was the rock that kept me sane when feeling low but it was nice enough. Thank you for asking.

 

Yes, it is way too early in the breakup for you still. Takes some time, and even then setbacks pop up, I always am skeptical when people say they breeze through it and is nothing, huh, what?? a foreign concept to me. Take all the time you need.

 

Could you have even one family member come to where you are living even for a week then? Since you went up for the holidays maybe have one or a few pop over in the new year and spend time with you.. That would help.

 

Did she give you a proper honest reason why she wanted to not continue on with you? I don't understand why the ones who decide to end a relationship especially a long-standing one cannot just be honest about why. Maybe she is in pain too, and why the ghosting? Doesn't want to face the pain she caused you by the decision she made. I hope if your wish is she reaches out reconnect - then that is what will happen in time, but always wait for her to contact you and extend that olive branch because if you reach out again, or first you will only set yourself back to kicking yourself if she reacts coldly again. Feel better!

[Twizzlestick]

Hi again, Twizzlestick

 

Did you get yourself out there with friends for NYE, or stay in and watch a film like you mentioned, if so what film did you watch? Christmas went well enough, always miss my dad during those times, he was the rock that kept me sane when feeling low but it was nice enough. Thank you for asking.

 

Yes, it is way too early in the breakup for you still. Takes some time, and even then setbacks pop up, I always am skeptical when people say they breeze through it and is nothing, huh, what?? a foreign concept to me. Take all the time you need.

 

Could you have even one family member come to where you are living even for a week then? Since you went up for the holidays maybe have one or a few pop over in the new year and spend time with you.. That would help.

 

Did she give you a proper honest reason why she wanted to not continue on with you? I don't understand why the ones who decide to end a relationship especially a long-standing one cannot just be honest about why. Maybe she is in pain too, and why the ghosting? Doesn't want to face the pain she caused you by the decision she made. I hope if your wish is she reaches out reconnect - then that is what will happen in time, but always wait for her to contact you and extend that olive branch because if you reach out again, or first you will only set yourself back to kicking yourself if she reacts coldly again. Feel better!

 

Hi Sarah, my sincere apologies for a delayed reply!

 

I spent New Year’s Eve with my parents and my young niece playing board games. The ex rang earlier that eve (wasn’t a surprise she rang really as had been arranged to be honest ha). I was surprised at the tone though, as after her cold messages she was yacking away about this and that. Just small talk, nothing tangible. Mainly offloading about this new job she wants to take that involves her leaving home, and all the angst over it. Using me as a sounding board really. She did say she’d had regrets in the first few days, more than she anticipated but not enough to reverse the choice.

 

I do know why it ended, change of feelings. She doesn’t respect me. She said as much. That was like a stake through my chest. But. Here’s one good thing. I actually have enough about me to feel how unjust that actually is. I know how I was, what went on and in fact I see if anyone could’ve lost their feelings in that way, it should’ve been me. But, that’s what love is ha. We’re all different and I’m the chump. I’m prone to shoulder massive guilt and responsibility with us. I recognise she actually had a huge part in herself devaluing me herself.

 

Anyone can do that and devalue someone if they try. If I fixated on a friends bad points and started to take them for granted it wouldn’t be long before o would devalue that friend. But you don’t, as folk tend to balance the good and bad. I’ve posted my rele story at the end of my “break up 11 years...” thread in the breakups section.

 

Re her not facing the pain. It’s interesting. I’m partly to blame as I’ve given the impression to her I’m doing “ok” on the phone, mainly to keep my dignity. But then again, I remind myself she’s an adult, has intelligence and would be able to recognise herself that is incredibly unlikely seeing how I’ve stuck with her for months waiting after 10 years I’m doing ok really.

 

I think if she feels she has got away Scot free without causing me hurt that’s fine as she’s bigger things to worry about. For instance, she told me New Year’s Eve that Christmas had been ruined because her pet was unwell and she’d been crying over that. On its own a fair thing to say, but when you’d detonated someone’s life after them loving you for a decade a little insensitive.

 

My Dad is coming over to stay for a while actually, and help me sort through the momentos so I don’t have to face it alone. And help me pack up my flat etc.

 

I’m basically trying to force myself to accept it reallt and abandone hope. It seems the most impossible thing like I dint have control of it. When I get glimpses of hope being loss, the grief is seismic. I think I’m quite terrified of what lies ahead as I know I probably loved her too much (seems weird to say but it comes with losing your self of self I found out from counselling )

 

Great to talk and hope you’re making progress

[Sarah_Smiles]

Hi, Twizzlestick and no need for apologies, I don't mind since I am not on here daily anyhow and you are in the crucial healing process time.

 

 

That sounds like a nice night, I played meme with my family, I won, lol. Don't think my family likes or gets my sense of humor tho. Plus, dirtier memes were removed prior to the game boo! Do you think she misses you, the closeness, the ability to confide and talk at ease with you, especially the friendship that is part of a relationship? Maybe she realizes or will start to realize what being without will feel like, will hit her slower than you because this was not your choice.

 

Doesn't respect you seems harsh, you assume this or she as much told you so? I can't imagine someone stays with someone 11 years if they do not respect them. You are not a chump, neither am I, or all the others in similar positions. You trust and love the person you are with and when blindsided you cannot blame yourself if they never asked to work on anything or let you know they were not happy anymore until they throw it at you out of the blue. Did you prefer I type on your other thread instead of this one? Is there more story there that I didn't read in other stuff you posted that I have read?

 

She must know you are in pain because she knows you didn't want to break up, that you love her and even if you are putting on a brave face, deep down in quietness, words you say to her, even tone of voice she can tell. My ex could till tell I loved him after he guilted in keeping me in the picture, even though he wanted to "get with a new one" I assume he had a "work wife" scenario going on during and after.. and when it clicked into a higher gear my feelings were awkward suddenly, this is why people need to be honest with each other...her with you, you with her, what good does it ever do trying to hide true feelings. Even now, if she insists on contact, why not let her know the real deal with you?

 

On her telling you about having a bad Christmas because crying over her pet, did you always put her feelings first in the relationship, sounds like she is used to thinking how things affect her alone and is still so comfy talking with you she doesn't think it might be hurtful to you, a second nature thing not an in the moment B thing she was doing, least don't think so.

 

Good on your dad, gotta love em! Hope his visit helps you out, and he can give the emotional support you need at that time too. It hurts when you love and suffer a loss, feels like a death to you and like a death you need to grieve it and not pin a timeframe on that grieving. Life is weird at times and you never know the wonderful that lays ahead on your personal road for you, the path is all foggy now but when it lifts...I am sure good awaits you.