Update and lesson for OW/OM out there

[kxpxsc3]

You can go back and read my posts from earlier this year in which I had written about my year-long affair with a MM. I'm ashamed to say I got sucked back in for 6 months, but even if it helps 1 person out there, here is the update and lessons learned.

 

After the last time we ended things, he told me him and his wife started MC in order to "figure out if they want to separate, and figure out a way they could separate amicably and with little devastation to the kids." (Probably another lie).

 

If it's even true, it all seemed terribly manipulative and my gut instinct was screaming. I started to really question if this is the type of person I want to be with, one that would not be able to tell me they want to split, but need to jump through hoops of a therapist instead?

 

I started to almost look for proof if his family situation was as he kept telling me - I'm not proud of snooping through his email calendar but I almost felt I needed "evidence" in order to allow myself to really end this for good.

 

Although I'll never know exactly how his home life is... I did find a couple of... drum roll... LIES! They were not big lies, mostly around details of weekend trips his took with his family and their friends, but nonetheless lies, now I have no doubt in my mind that he lied about other things as well.

 

I ruminated and sat with all this information for a few weeks before deciding this simply cannot go on. I took off the rose colored glasses and admitted to myself that he IS lying to me as well. I don't even recognize myself any more, I feel I've turned into a crazy person

 

So my advice for anyone in an A, please, stop waiting around for your married partner to leave because they likely never will, most of what they tell you is their lies and stories to keep you around. It's futile to think they are a great person and your soulmate. Please take it from me that your situation is not unique, read on here all the countless stories - I was surprised to read over and over situations almost exactly like mine. I wish I would have cut my losses a long time ago and I feel sorrier than ever for his wife having been dragged into a false reconciliation for the last over 1 year by her POS husband.

 

I need to focus on getting my life back on track, I've made an appointment for counselling after the new year, and I know now that I'll never make the same mistake of getting involved with a MM.

[TooBad]

What I don't get is this: Why do a lot of people think their own personal experience is the gospel for everyone else?

[DKT3]

What I don't get is this: Why do a lot of people think their own personal experience is the gospel for everyone else?

 

Not a certainty, but the most likely outcome. Affairs fail because healthy people dont enter into unhealthy relationships. By extension unhealthy people cant maintain a healthy relationship. So no it's not a guarantee that affairs will fail, just the most likely outcome.

 

OP good for you that you've have recognized that you are being misled. I'm always surprised at how many refuse to see the married person for the liars that they usually are. Honest good people don't cheat on thier spouses no matter the circumstances.

[kxpxsc3]

Not a certainty, but the most likely outcome. Affairs fail because healthy people dont enter into unhealthy relationships. By extension unhealthy people cant maintain a healthy relationship. So no it's not a guarantee that affairs will fail, just the most likely outcome.

 

OP good for you that you've have recognized that you are being misled. I'm always surprised at how many refuse to see the married person for the liars that they usually are. Honest good people don't cheat on thier spouses no matter the circumstances.

 

 

Thanks for your reply, DKT3, you make a great point!

In the end I was lying to myself about his deceit but I couldn't lie to myself forever, distract myself from the reality of things, and continue to justify staying stuck in an affair.

[pa2k]

What I don't get is this: Why do a lot of people think their own personal experience is the gospel for everyone else?

 

 

Take some time and read the hundreds, no, if the archives are working...THOUSANDS of stories by many different posters over the years, and you will see that there is a disturbingly common theme.

 

Sure there are a few of happy endings for OW/OM, but the vast majority are very much like this poster's experience.

 

Also another sadly common theme, posters thinking not their MM, their personal experience is somehow special, why are the other members so negative here? and then after sinking youth and time into the A, just to realize their A is no more special than the others on here. There is always something in the way between MM/MW and divorcing their spouse. Truth be known, the only thing between MM/MW and divorcing their spouse is that they do not want to. Life is better with a secure family like and an exciting A on the side.

[kxpxsc3]

Life is better with a secure family like and an exciting A on the side.

 

THIS. The truth is a f*king hard pill to swallow!!! But it will set you free once you see it for what it is.

 

When I ended things with my MM, I told him - do not contact me unless you divorce and we can talk about a future together at that time.

 

But truth be told, even if he leaves his wife tomorrow, I wouldn't be able to be with him. No trust or future with a person who repeated lied, deceived, manipulated, and gaslighted both his wife and myself.

[TooBad]

Take some time and read the hundreds, no, if the archives are working...THOUSANDS of stories by many different posters over the years, and you will see that there is a disturbingly common theme.

 

 

 

I have taken that time. And while I don't think my feelings for my AP are different from what I've read, I do think a lot if not every thing else was. Could be because I was a single OM, could be because I was her first (and perhaps her last), could be a lot of reasons. But for me it was an open and shut case. We had an affair, I always knew she wouldn't leave her husband and I never asked or demanded that, and she couldn't handle the guilt and we ended. She never lied to me, she didn't have to. No promises were made, no arguments were had. There was love, and then there was nothing.

[DKT3]

I have taken that time. And while I don't think my feelings for my AP are different from what I've read, I do think a lot if not every thing else was. Could be because I was a single OM, could be because I was her first (and perhaps her last), could be a lot of reasons. But for me it was an open and shut case. We had an affair, I always knew she wouldn't leave her husband and I never asked or demanded that, and she couldn't handle the guilt and we ended. She never lied to me, she didn't have to. No promises were made, no arguments were had. There was love, and then there was nothing.

 

She lied to her husband, the man she choose over you and the love you shared, yet she never lied to you? I'm guessing that is highly unlikely. Like OP I think you deep down know different but have yet to reach the point were you are willing to accept it.

[elaine567]

I have taken that time. And while I don't think my feelings for my AP are different from what I've read, I do think a lot if not every thing else was. Could be because I was a single OM, could be because I was her first (and perhaps her last), could be a lot of reasons. But for me it was an open and shut case. We had an affair, I always knew she wouldn't leave her husband and I never asked or demanded that, and she couldn't handle the guilt and we ended. She never lied to me, she didn't have to. No promises were made, no arguments were had. There was love, and then there was nothing.

 

 

Your MW ended it. She may have been found out, she may have reached a point where she could not stand the guilt, she may have lost her nerve, she may have not been enjoying it any longer... who knows?

But the next step in this saga for many is when the married person shows up again, just when all was thought lost, when the healing is kicking in, the married person tries to pick it all up again and that is often the start of a push pull relationship that can tear people apart. The highs are so high the lows are so low...

[What_Did_I_Do]

Your MW ended it. She may have been found out, she may have reached a point where she could not stand the guilt, she may have lost her nerve, she may have not been enjoying it any longer... who knows?

But the next step in this saga for many is when the married person shows up again, just when all was thought lost, when the healing is kicking in, the married person tries to pick it all up again and that is often the start of a push pull relationship that can tear people apart. The highs are so high the lows are so low...

 

The TooBad affair sounds like it was mainly sexual which is not the same for the thread starter. Hers is a warning to listen to gut instincts and pay attention to the red flags waving about. And she was right.

[kxpxsc3]

The TooBad affair sounds like it was mainly sexual which is not the same for the thread starter. Hers is a warning to listen to gut instincts and pay attention to the red flags waving about. And she was right.

 

Yes in my case it was both PA/EA. I've learned now not to ignore gut instincts. Literally 1 day before I found the first lie, I told him "I feel like you are lying to me" and he told me "I don't know what to tell you, I've never lied to you, there is nothing that I'm hiding from you."

[kxpxsc3]

Mind you on the outside he is a very respected man in his community and in the company we work for. I've seen him go above and beyond for his employees, even take bullets for them at his own cost sometimes (not literally). I think this is often the case with cheaters - they have a good reputation to the outside world which makes it hard to believe they would actually lie and deceive.

[What_Did_I_Do]

Mind you on the outside he is a very respected man in his community and in the company we work for. I've seen him go above and beyond for his employees, even take bullets for them at his own cost sometimes (not literally). I think this is often the case with cheaters - they have a good reputation to the outside world which makes it hard to believe they would actually lie and deceive.

 

Mine was too. The first real hint of how smooth he was when his adult kids phoned him while we were out together. Strange how he never took a phone call from BS while he was with me. In any event, I was completely taken aback at how easily he lied to his KIDS about where he was and who he was with (he told them he was 'at work'). I know that should have been pretty obvious but at the time my thinking was shrouded and muddied and would he lie like that to me? Well yes, WDID, he did...epically.

[Mrs._December]

Although I'll never know exactly how his home life is... I did find a couple of... drum roll... LIES! They were not big lies, mostly around details of weekend trips his took with his family and their friends, but nonetheless lies, now I have no doubt in my mind that he lied about other things as well.

Not a surprise.

 

They usually do lie. Hey, if they can lie to the woman they made vows to in front of God and their family, lie to their children and claim they were working late (or whatever) when they get home after being with you, and they can successfully do it day after day after day after day after day, then they can very easily lie to the OW. And they do, as you've come to find.

 

So my advice for anyone in an A, please, stop waiting around for your married partner to leave because they likely never will, most of what they tell you is their lies and stories to keep you around. It's futile to think they are a great person and your soulmate. Please take it from me that your situation is not unique, read on here all the countless stories - I was surprised to read over and over situations almost exactly like mine. I wish I would have cut my losses a long time ago and I feel sorrier than ever for his wife having been dragged into a false reconciliation for the last over 1 year by her POS husband.

You are one smart cookie - and 1000% correct in every detail. I know everyone wants to think their MM is different and their story is unique, but really? I've read the same story over and over and over and over these past 15+ years and they're pretty much the same darned thing.

 

Good on you for realizing what a complete waste a time a married man is. Welcome to your new and improved life!

[WasOtherWoman]

I have taken that time. And while I don't think my feelings for my AP are different from what I've read, I do think a lot if not every thing else was. Could be because I was a single OM, could be because I was her first (and perhaps her last), could be a lot of reasons. But for me it was an open and shut case. We had an affair, I always knew she wouldn't leave her husband and I never asked or demanded that, and she couldn't handle the guilt and we ended. She never lied to me, she didn't have to. No promises were made, no arguments were had. There was love, and then there was nothing.

 

There is a big difference in the dynamics of an affair when both people in the affair are not expecting that one end their marriage and they wind up together. It is a completely different dynamic. You cannot compare your sort of affair with one where one of the affair participants is expecting that they will wind up together and the other participant has promised just that.

 

Apples and oranges. The vast majority of the stories on here are the latter example.

[Giraffe-A]

This needs to be said over and over again because everyone thinks their situation is in fact different. There should be commandments about this like Thou shall not believe a goddamn thing that comes out of a spouse’s mouth. As harsh of a person I am, I too have fallen into the “but my situation is different.”

Despite a couple having marital issues and me stating out loud that I am not OW material, this guy packed his bags, told her he was getting a divorce and came knocking on my door saying this is where he wanted to be. I thought, hum... he must be serious.

No. He didn’t tell his wife he moved in with me. She had to find that out herself by coming to my house. And he didnt tell her he wanted a divorce. He told her things needed to change on her end. Even after knowing about me, he expected she would have very low self esteem to take him back no matter what. And he was right. I spoke to the wife and told her how this really went down, and she needed to take her dog back. She did. Calculating people. Anyway, leave married people alone.

[DKT3]

There is a big difference in the dynamics of an affair when both people in the affair are not expecting that one end their marriage and they wind up together. It is a completely different dynamic. You cannot compare your sort of affair with one where one of the affair participants is expecting that they will wind up together and the other participant has promised just that.

 

Apples and oranges. The vast majority of the stories on here are the latter example.

 

I don't believe this is true. I believe that the difference is his MW didn't need to make those promises or make him believe she had no relationship with her husband. Those are things that a majority of women need to be involved with a mm. Thus creating a greater need to lie and mislead.

 

His pain and confusion over the ending is just as valid as yours or anyone else.

[ice3784]

Mind you on the outside he is a very respected man in his community and in the company we work for. I've seen him go above and beyond for his employees, even take bullets for them at his own cost sometimes (not literally). I think this is often the case with cheaters - they have a good reputation to the outside world which makes it hard to believe they would actually lie and deceive.

Same here.

My affair partner are a highly respected chef working in Maldives. Often colleagues envy him such a kind and carkng man but he is a womaniser manipulater serial cheater. Disgusting.

[WasOtherWoman]

I don't believe this is true. I believe that the difference is his MW didn't need to make those promises or make him believe she had no relationship with her husband. Those are things that a majority of women need to be involved with a mm. Thus creating a greater need to lie and mislead.

 

His pain and confusion over the ending is just as valid as yours or anyone else.

 

Goodness, not suggesting that his pain is not valid! And i do agree that there is likely a difference between what an other woman needs to be told to stay in an affair vs what an other man needs to be told. I did not realize that he actually wanted his affair partner to leave his marriage, the way the post was written seemed to me like he was fine with status quo. I did not read the backstory of poster, so apologies if my post felt dismissive, TooBad. I truly misread your intent.

[anika99]

I don't believe this is true. I believe that the difference is his MW didn't need to make those promises or make him believe she had no relationship with her husband. Those are things that a majority of women need to be involved with a mm. Thus creating a greater need to lie and mislead.

 

His pain and confusion over the ending is just as valid as yours or anyone else.

 

I'm not sure what you are saying here. Everyone in affairs has the motivation to lie. MW will lie about their husbands just to protect there self image. What kind of woman cheats on a loyal loving sexual spouse. The MW has to paint the husband as a big abusive meanie that she doesn't have sex with otherwise she's just a common dishonest cheater.

[TooBad]

Goodness, not suggesting that his pain is not valid! And i do agree that there is likely a difference between what an other woman needs to be told to stay in an affair vs what an other man needs to be told. I did not realize that he actually wanted his affair partner to leave his marriage, the way the post was written seemed to me like he was fine with status quo. I did not read the backstory of poster, so apologies if my post felt dismissive, TooBad. I truly misread your intent.

 

 

I was fine with her staying married, as long as I had my time with her. The problem was that we were more and more pulled towards eachother, and that does create expectations. At least one of not going from 100 to 0 in a day.

 

 

We talked on the phone all day. I was her emotional support for dealing with the problems with her mom, I picked her kids birthday presents, and many more things. I basicly felt like I was doing everything I would do in a normal relationship except for having her with me at night and all the time.

 

 

Plans we had plenty. But false promises, there were none.

[DKT3]

I'm not sure what you are saying here. Everyone in affairs has the motivation to lie. MW will lie about their husbands just to protect there self image. What kind of woman cheats on a loyal loving sexual spouse. The MW has to paint the husband as a big abusive meanie that she doesn't have sex with otherwise she's just a common dishonest cheater.

 

My point was simple as I stated. Women dont have to lie to men to get them in bed. Even married ones. As Too bad stated she never had a need to lie, he never expected or demanded she leave. What they had was what they had. With most women involved with MM that formula is not often successful, thus creating the need to lie and manipulate in order to achieve the goal....sex or some other parasitic action.

[TooBad]

I'm not sure what you are saying here. Everyone in affairs has the motivation to lie. MW will lie about their husbands just to protect there self image. What kind of woman cheats on a loyal loving sexual spouse. The MW has to paint the husband as a big abusive meanie that she doesn't have sex with otherwise she's just a common dishonest cheater.

 

 

In my case, loyal and (perceived) loving, yes. But not very expressive about it. And the sex was there, just not that much or very satisfying for her.

If I would even hint about him neglecting her emotionally or sexually, she would go against it. And yet the way we talked, the amount we talked, and the things we talked about tell a different story.

 

 

This might be my lack of english skills, but calling someone a common dishonest cheater because he/she doesn't lie seems just weird to me. Aside from the fact ofcourse that someone who cheats already lies...

[kxpxsc3]

I'm having a tough week. I was feeling strong in the first weeks of NC, but this week it's been so hard, almost as though I forgot all the bad stuff about being with my MM and I'm remembering just the good. I know there is no going back to a dead-end relationship that will probably never change, and I'm trying to take it day by day, but I can't sleep almost at all... just crying all the time, even leaving my desk to go to the bathroom at work as I get teary eyed.

 

... going to see a new therapist tomorrow, hopeful that it will help...

[Abetterme]

Hi OP, I’m sorry this week has been rough. I haven’t felt well this week and it has set me back a bit too. I think it helps me to just acknowledge some days I feel strong and other days I don’t so just to take it easy on myself. Ultimately, there is no going back...for either of us. We’ve both done the “round 2” and paid the price. We just have to muscle through it this time.

 

The thing that struck me reading through your thread history, before XMM you went through a lot and made it to the other side. Your are very strong. You can do this! Be well & hugs!!