Is she cheating or flirting

[tir]

I am new to this, but here it goes. About 4 to 5 months ago, our friends ( a couple like us) invited us to dinner. They have 2 kids and we have 2 kids. The husband of that coule name I, has been having coffee almost everyday with my wife at a very popular coffe shop. This was happening even before they invited us to dinner. Apparently, they have been to some parties where people swap, and he kept making jokes and hinting to us if we do it. I completely refused and when asked why, I said I like to be able to look at my wife the next morning. The whole mood changed.

 

Apparently, he has been talking about this to my wife and it had made her excited. I guess after 12 years and 2 kids you do look for some excitement. But not this. As days went on, I noticed a pattern of mood changes in her. She kept complaining about life being boring, everything is always the same and how this is not the way she wanted her life to be. She had many sleepless nights and always on computer.

 

That is when I started checking her behavior on the computer. She is always doing IM (Instant messaging) with him and looking to see if she can get a hold of him. I have brought up the issue, and she says that they have coffee and that is it. He means nothing her. Well, her behavior says other. Everytime I am away for any period of a time, she is on the computer trying to get a hold of him thru IM. I checked her computer at her work, and he had written a few love poems to her as well. They wre dated right along the time she was feeling not so happy about her life.

 

Todate, she is still contacting him, and when we talked about this again, she says that he is her confidant. How F---ed up is that. I do not believe a man and a woman can be each other's confidant without being emotionaly involved. She is definitely emotionaly involved, and I do not know what to do. I love my 8 and 4 year old kids, and I can not be separated from them. I have many sleepless nights, and I am not sure if I should confront her with all the facts that I know about.

 

Divorce or separation have been discussed, but we have agreed that our kids need us both, and we are just going to behave. It is very hard to sleep next to someone who has it for someone else, and you are not getting any either. I do not think they have done anything sexually, but I would not be surprised.

 

What is your input? Sorry for the long description.

[Spectre]

You talk about the kids "needing this" but then again, what kids "need" to grow up in a household where their parents resent each other? and sorry if you dont resent her now, you eventually will, it sounds to me like if she isnt already doing something with this guy eventually it will lead to that

 

Also, her being excited about swapping is another sign, the whole "its been 12 years you get bored" is true, but it doesnt mean you go bang someone else, I dont see how being skanky is exciting

 

All in all, it seems since you shot down the idea of swapping, your wife took it upon herself to do the deed, except the only swapping going on was between her and her little "confidant"...why dont you tell her to stop seeing and speaking to him? if he is just a guy she meets with over coffee, it wont be that big of a loss, if she whines about it then its obvious there is something more, and again that tells you: are the kids her main concern? she isnt willing to try to make this marriage work for the kids, so why should you stay with her in a home where you're unhappy? and on another note: the whole "stick it out for the kids" thing is overrated, if the parents are unhappy with their lives, chances are thats gonna reflect on the kids and effect their lives as well

[Bryanp]

I think Spectre made a lot of sense. Look at the facts:

1) This guy is her confidant

2) This guy is into swinging

3) This guy asked to swing with your wife

4) Your wife is excited by the idea and wishes to do it

5) She now says her life is boring

6) She is always trying to contact him on the computer.

 

The chances are good that she has already cheated on you. A marriage is between two people and not three. Contact a lawyer and get your ducks in a row. Seek out marriage counseling at once. If she says no then proceed with the lawyer. What she is doing is humiliating and disrespecting you. If the roles were reversed and you had a woman as your best friend who wanted to sleep with you and you constantly contacted her on the computer - do you really think your wife would accept such crap from you? Hell No! So why are you willing to accept such crap from her now?

[CheatsWithAFriend]

I may be very wrong, but I would say your wife is cheating. I hate to say it, but I can understand where she's coming from. She's bored, looking for some excitement, she probably feels as though you won't give her any excitement because you shot down the idea of swinging (there is other excitement out there), and she turned to the one person in her life these days that makes her feel good. He's new and exciting - he's giving her what she wants. She's probably feeling like life has become a routine - husband, kids, cook, clean, work...no appreciation. This other guy probably tells her she's beautiful, sexy, and everything else she wants/needs to hear. Sadly, if you told her the same things, it wouldn't mean much because she's bored.

 

Ask yourself - would you really rather know what she's doing than not? Everyone is different - some people like to know everything so they can deal. Others would rather be kept in the dark. If she wants out, and you don't want to deal with what she's doing or about to do (she'll be cheating soon if she hasn't yet), split up. At least then your kids can have two parents that are apart and happy instead of together and miserable. Kids are very perceptive - they're old enough to know that their parents aren't happy...do something before they resent you.

 

If you ask her about this friend, ask her to be totally honest, don't accuse her, just ask. Ask her if he's doing something for her that you're not - is there something you can do (besides swinging) to bring some excitement to her life. Would she like to try role playing where you 'pick her up' in some dark little lounge - things like that. I know I would LOVE if my husband would have taken the time to try something new - it doesn't have to be something totally out there. You didn't go into great detail about what you've tried - I would say try romancing her - buy her flowers, take her out on dates, hell, if you want to spice up your sex life, take her shopping at an adult store. Just keep your mind open!!

 

Hope things get better....

[michelangelo]

Is already banging some guy and wants to find a way to have her cake and eat it to.

 

A married woman who after more than a decade suddenly decides she would love to be a swinger?

 

I don't think so.

[tiredandsad]

My wife has been flirting with a family friend and has been bored at home. I have catered to everythingg she has been asking for. We have gone to a 2 day vacation without kids. We even ordered kinky stuff. It seems like she still is in touch with that guy. His wife has no clue and I am running out of ideas.

As soon as I do have more evidence at what is going on, I think itmightbe better for all of us including the kids to separate. I have too much anger and hurt right now. How does one can trust any one else once your spouse betrays you.

 

After I found outabouthis love poems to her, and she hanging on to him and constantly looking to Instant Message with him or see him, I am not sure how else I should feel.

 

Thank you all for your input.