need advice?

[laurent]

i've been dating my girlfriend for over a year now we have a lot of fun togeother however we seem to fight about stupid things quite often (almost every other week end )last six months of course most of the times i create the fights

 

she has a stressfull job and she sees a shrink and my situation is not the greatest right now either; i got layed off so i'm constantly thinking of her .

 

last time we fought it was very bad to the point where she packed everything she ever had in my appartment and left,

 

i did call and apologize .

 

we love each other so much and i would anything to be with her i just don't know how to pass the fighting

 

i haven't seen her in almost month we do talk once a week over the phone but very superficial, she keeps saying that she needs all the times to think about things so i don't know what to do or say?

 

meantime she is always hanging out with her girlfriend of many years who i know she doesn't like me been as her girlfriend's boyfriend

 

how much time do you think i need to give her ?

 

should i keep in touch or disseaper for a while?

[Tony T]

This is an unfortunate situation. You had a lot of great opportunities to establish a healthy, fulfilling relationship with this lady. It seemed not to work. Fights are not part of the menu for relationships most people want to stay in.

 

You are no longer in control of this situation and what you do one way or the other will be to no avail. However, it's best if you're kind and appropriate when you do have contact with her. Otherwise, back out of her life.

 

If she is in therapy now as you say, it's likely she is getting most of her direction from the therapist. It looks like he/she is advising her to stay away from you for a while. If you really care for her, you should respect her needs in therapy. You didn't say why she is in counselling but her condition may have a lot to do with how she interacts with you. If her problems are serious, it may just be a no-win situation for you.

 

Relationships teach us lessons. You are always in control of your behavior and it's not necessary for you to participate in arguments. Healthy conflict resolution should be incorporated into all relationships. But there is no need to fight often.

 

It appears she is attempting to back away from a situation she did not find productive. It may be best for both of you.

 

If you still want to give it another try, at some point soon...before she is completely over you...you will have to ask her to do so and make a convincing argument that you are different now. Of course, you have to be convinced she is willing to work on things too.

 

On the other hand, I can't understand why you would want to be with someone you find a need to argue with often. There are many ladies out there with whom you could be far more compatible. Why force something that doesn't seem to work?

 

The again, there are people who use arguments to spice up a boring relationship and to feel more alive. If this is you, find other ways of making your relationships interesting.

 

You better make your move fast because this gal is trying to break her bond with you.

 

Spend your extra time looking for a job that can pay your bills. This will take a great load off of you.

[laurent]

thanks for your response it really helps .

 

the therapy she is in for is about many different reasons;one because she felt for years that her father abondand her when she was 5 years old and she deosn't understand why? second because she can't express her feelings freely (she doesn't open up and very rarely she says words like i love you) and third she was raped when she was teenager.

 

from my part fights were always a result of me not knowing wheather i really wanted to be with her and thinking about a future (mariage and all)

 

untill she dissappeared out my life

 

her presence in my life is felt as necessity more now then it ever did .

 

i honestly want to be with this girl i have been depressed for last 3 weeks i read about how i could improve my behavior and how i could deal with fighting in couple

 

if any advice i might be able to do please help!

This is an unfortunate situation. You had a lot of great opportunities to establish a healthy, fulfilling relationship with this lady. It seemed not to work. Fights are not part of the menu for relationships most people want to stay in. You are no longer in control of this situation and what you do one way or the other will be to no avail. However, it's best if you're kind and appropriate when you do have contact with her. Otherwise, back out of her life. If she is in therapy now as you say, it's likely she is getting most of her direction from the therapist. It looks like he/she is advising her to stay away from you for a while. If you really care for her, you should respect her needs in therapy. You didn't say why she is in counselling but her condition may have a lot to do with how she interacts with you. If her problems are serious, it may just be a no-win situation for you. Relationships teach us lessons. You are always in control of your behavior and it's not necessary for you to participate in arguments. Healthy conflict resolution should be incorporated into all relationships. But there is no need to fight often. It appears she is attempting to back away from a situation she did not find productive. It may be best for both of you. If you still want to give it another try, at some point soon...before she is completely over you...you will have to ask her to do so and make a convincing argument that you are different now. Of course, you have to be convinced she is willing to work on things too. On the other hand, I can't understand why you would want to be with someone you find a need to argue with often. There are many ladies out there with whom you could be far more compatible. Why force something that doesn't seem to work?

 

The again, there are people who use arguments to spice up a boring relationship and to feel more alive. If this is you, find other ways of making your relationships interesting. You better make your move fast because this gal is trying to break her bond with you. Spend your extra time looking for a job that can pay your bills. This will take a great load off of you.