Rockingaround Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 Hi I met a guy at uni. He’s a white English guy and I’m British but my family background is Pakistani. He is a lovely guy and gorgeous, we started hanging out together a lot, we didn’t have sex but we kissed and did “other things”. It was fun and I’ll admit a bit of escapism for me. This has been going on for around 18 months. Anyway, I’ve graduated last year and started working. My parents are extremely conservative and strict; they only expect for me to marry a Pakistani man. Since uni life is over, I felt it’d be the right time to end things with him. I thought he’d feel relieved but he was very upset even though, I was honest and open with him right from the start. I just want him completely out of my life. I really don’t want to hurt him but I told him the way it was always going to be, so he should understand . He still texts me. He says I’m selfish and used him, when that wasn’t my intention at all. Now I don’t know what else to do?
alphamale Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 Now I don’t know what else to do? how about deleting and blocking him on your phone and also blocking him on all your social media? 2
smackie9 Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 All he is doing is trying to lay a guilt trip you. Too bad for him, he knew going in that this wasn't going to be forever..not your problem. You are not hurting him, he's hurting himself for not listening. Just block and delete him from social media, and take him out of your contacts. Block and delete his cel number too. It needs to be done.
Giraffe-A Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 You are not responsible for his hurt. If you were clear from the start that you could not offer him a life beyond dating, then it’s on him. You’re not being selfish. You are doing something that your family and culture are asking you to do. That’s the least selfish thing I can imagine! You’ll have to break all communication with him. 1
Author Rockingaround Posted January 1, 2019 Author Posted January 1, 2019 All he is doing is trying to lay a guilt trip you. Too bad for him, he knew going in that this wasn't going to be forever..not your problem. You are not hurting him, he's hurting himself for not listening. Just block and delete him from social media, and take him out of your contacts. Block and delete his cel number too. It needs to be done. Well he’s saying he didn’t know he was going to end up falling for me and that I should stand up for myself against my parents since I am an educated girl living in the UK, I have no excuse. But I can’t do that. My culture and family always comes first.
smackie9 Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 Well he’s saying he didn’t know he was going to end up falling for me and that I should stand up for myself against my parents since I am an educated girl living in the UK, I have no excuse. But I can’t do that. My culture and family always comes first. Still, not your problem. Your choice is your choice and he's just going to have to suck it up. He has no right to criticize you for what you believe in...honoring your parents wishes. 1
See-Me-Feel-Me Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 ...My culture and family always comes first. And his culture is heavy on love triumphing over parents dictums. You'll have to do what others have said about blocking him, but you should know, you're not the only one with a "culture" and probably should have stuck to yours in the first place if it was so unbending. 3
stillafool Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 Hi I met a guy at uni. He’s a white English guy and I’m British but my family background is Pakistani. He is a lovely guy and gorgeous, we started hanging out together a lot, we didn’t have sex but we kissed and did “other things”. It was fun and I’ll admit a bit of escapism for me. This has been going on for around 18 months. Anyway, I’ve graduated last year and started working. My parents are extremely conservative and strict; they only expect for me to marry a Pakistani man. Since uni life is over, I felt it’d be the right time to end things with him. I thought he’d feel relieved but he was very upset even though, I was honest and open with him right from the start. I just want him completely out of my life. I really don’t want to hurt him but I told him the way it was always going to be, so he should understand . He still texts me. He says I’m selfish and used him, when that wasn’t my intention at all. Now I don’t know what else to do? Why would you get involved with a white guy when you know you are to be with a Pakistani man????? 1
elaine567 Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 He didn't believe you. He thought love would conquer all. It was not a nice thing to do. You knew it was never going to be long term yet you allowed this to go on for 18 months and dumped him when he outlived his usefulness to you. I can see exactly why he feels used. 4
edgygirl Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 I've had a guy hurt over a breakup too and I had to block and stop responding as he was saying crazy things. I know you prob still care for him as a person, but that's probably the right way to go. When he gets over it in the future, you can maybe be friends again.
edgygirl Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 Well he accepted her terms since the beginning. She did nothing wrong. He didn't believe you. He thought love would conquer all. It was not a nice thing to do. You knew it was never going to be long term yet you allowed this to go on for 18 months and dumped him when he outlived his usefulness to you. I can see exactly why he feels used. 1
introverted1 Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 Hi I met a guy at uni. He’s a white English guy and I’m British but my family background is Pakistani. He is a lovely guy and gorgeous, we started hanging out together a lot, we didn’t have sex but we kissed and did “other things”. It was fun and I’ll admit a bit of escapism for me. This has been going on for around 18 months. I just want him completely out of my life. I really don’t want to hurt him but I told him the way it was always going to be, so he should understand . He still texts me. He says I’m selfish and used him, when that wasn’t my intention at all. Now I don’t know what else to do? He has a point. 18 months is a long time at your ages and while you were engaged in "escapism" he was developing feelings for you. Why didn't you end things when it became apparent he was falling for you? In any case, the only thing to do now is to end it, firmly and decisively. Yes, he's going to be hurt, but you will only hurt him more by waffling.
elaine567 Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 When he gets over it in the future, you can maybe be friends again. I would guess NO chance... 2
See-Me-Feel-Me Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 Why would you get involved with a white guy when you know you are to be with a Pakistani man????? The key undercurrent here so far unspoken is that Pakistanis are Muslim. If her parents are "strict and conservative" it's little mystery what is driving that--it's likely not a racial thing. It's the long arm of religious world views. She can correct me if I'm wrong. Pakistan would not be Pakistan if its people did not fight to break from India to have Muslim homeland. They take it atomic weapon serious.
alphamale Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 The key undercurrent here so far unspoken is that Pakistanis are Muslim. If her parents are "strict and conservative" it's little mystery what is driving that--it's likely not a racial thing. It's the long arm of religious world views. She can correct me if I'm wrong. Pakistan would not be Pakistan if its people did not fight to break from India to have Muslim homeland. They take it atomic weapon serious. the idea of a muslim woman marrying outside her religion is strictly verboten
emeraldgreen Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 If you were doing it for kicks or to slum it for a while with a deadline in mind, then you absolutely used him. There's always a risk that intimacy will give someone the feels. You have to own 1/2 of that because, despite any compliance implied or stated, normal humans develop feelings. You've already hurt him so you need to go full no-contact and let him find a better-suited girl.
ericw899 Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 Well he accepted her terms since the beginning. She did nothing wrong. It's easy to accept those terms so early on when no feelings are at stake. However after 18 months with this girl, how does she expect him to not develop any feelings for her & for him to just accept the fact that the clock has run out. He is a human not a robot. 1
smackie9 Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 Everyone is attacking her when, I'm sure this is just as heartbreaking for her too. She made her decision to end it as difficult it is for both parties. He could have walked away when he fell for her so stupid on him. It was no secret she wasn't going to marry him. Tough decision all around sure. Would it really have made any difference if she broke up with him because she fell out of love? A breakup is a breakup. Most of the time someone gets shafted, and it can't be helped. They have been together for less than a year and a half...just chalk it up as a relationship that has ran it's course.
Author Rockingaround Posted January 1, 2019 Author Posted January 1, 2019 Why would you get involved with a white guy when you know you are to be with a Pakistani man????? I got with him because like I said he was lovely and handsome, we got on very well and he was very understanding. I’m no different to any other young British girl and university is the best place to experiment, away from my strict ultra conservative family. I could have got with a Pakistani man but he would have more likely pressured me for marriage and to tell our parents, which is something I’m not ready for. Besides, I told him everything about my situation and he said at the time that he was cool with it. I’ve never wanted to hurt him. 1
frankspeci Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 (edited) 18 months is a long time for a fling that you pre-planned to end. You hurt this guy, used him. Now you want him out of your life, and it all sounds relatively unceremonious from your end so I cant imagine you're nearly as hurt as hes coming across. If you are I apologize. That being said, if one person wants out they should be allowed out. You dont owe him anything at this point, and any type of breadcrumbs you give him short of a relationship will probably just delay his recovery and chances of finding someone else anyway. Cutting him off completely may seem harsh, but its the best thing for both of you. You should stop responding to him. Edited January 1, 2019 by frankspeci 2
smackie9 Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 She didn't use him!! good god. She just said both parties were in agreement so there was no one was misled. He told her he was kool with it. If he had said otherwise, she wouldn't have gotten involved. When it was crunch time, that's when he started to protest. 18 months is not a long time, that's 3 semesters. People breakup when they graduate or switch schools. It happens, and no crime has been committed. And yes she is cutting him off...it's him that is clinging on. 1
frankspeci Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 And yes she is cutting him off...it's him that is clinging on. Yes because she is only in control of her actions not his. If he were here, I'd direct a post towards him: "let go, stop clinging." Don't agree with the rest, but it's cool.
Author Rockingaround Posted January 2, 2019 Author Posted January 2, 2019 Of course I care about him. I would have loved to go with the flow. But that is not possible in my situation. And we both used each other. I often felt sexually fetishised and often patronised. I have blocked him on my phone and social media. But he still managed to contact me through a different number. He went on a rant about my ‘backwards culture’ does not belong in British society, he should have known better then to get involved with a Muslim girl and that my family should have stayed in Pakistan bla bla. 1
smackie9 Posted January 2, 2019 Posted January 2, 2019 Yes because she is only in control of her actions not his. If he were here, I'd direct a post towards him: "let go, stop clinging." Don't agree with the rest, but it's cool. If it were her in his shoes, everyone would be telling her to let go, that she should have known better, knowing what she was going into and should have ended it when she caught feelings. This isn't the first thread about this type of situation. Most of the time it's the person being dumped posting. Tho there is sympathy, but there is everyone pointing out that they made a poor choice to get involved with someone like that if their heart wanted something different.
smackie9 Posted January 2, 2019 Posted January 2, 2019 Of course I care about him. I would have loved to go with the flow. But that is not possible in my situation. And we both used each other. I often felt sexually fetishised and often patronised. I have blocked him on my phone and social media. But he still managed to contact me through a different number. He went on a rant about my ‘backwards culture’ does not belong in British society, he should have known better then to get involved with a Muslim girl and that my family should have stayed in Pakistan bla bla. Yes he's a bit butt hurt, feeling like he has no worth to you, totally rejected. But his rant is normal. In time he will cool off and have a clear think about what just happened. In the end everyone will move on.
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