girlfriend of two years dumped me, struggling right now

[Beepeear]

My girlfriend of two years dumped me on Christmas Eve and I tried to play it off cool and try not to act like I was hurt, but then on Christmas I messaged her explaining to her that I love her and I don’t want the two years we had together to go away so easily, she said that she needs space regardless maybe for a week to clear her head so I agreed and told her I’d drop her presents off to her later that night. When I deliver her presents she hugs me and i leave, currently this is the last time I saw her.

 

I don’t contact her until two days ago, I messaged her asking how she and the family is, she told me they’re good and asked how I am, I told her good and I just asked what she was up to, she ignored me, so I sent another message an hour later telling her that I’ve been working on myself and asked how she’s feeling after taking time out to herself, she hasn’t replied.

 

Its our anniversary tomorrow (Jan 2nd) and for the last day I contstantly think of the memories, our holidays together, how we would spend weekends together and I. Am scared I’ll never find anyone who even equals to her. I want her back but I know there’s no reason to chase her because it’s clear she doesn’t want me or else she wouldn’t have ignored me.

 

I can’t stop thinking about her, I need to clear my head but I can’t escape. She ended it because I acted cold and distant, so I tried to show her I am not by expressing my feelings but maybe it’s just too late now. I hope soon she can come around and maybe we can work it out but it’s like she doesn’t care and isn’t bother that two great years have just finished.

 

I feel empty and broken

[d0nnivain]

Break ups suck. They are painful. The change is jarring.

 

She said she broke up because you were cold & distant. How many times did she complain about that before she was left with no choice but to take drastic action because you never changed? A few days isn't really enough to truly change. But you are not aware of where the problem is & you say you are willing to correct it.

 

I don't know if she will believe you & this is an expensive last ditch effort but try flowers. Have a nice bouquet delivered to her with a heartfelt message about how much you love her, how this should be the happy 2 year anniversary & how you will change in the future. It could very well be a waste of money. But flowers are a cliché for a reason & when a woman tells you that she feels underappreciated flowers can smooth a lot of ills.

 

Before you do that you need to have a plan in your head of how you will be warmer & more attentive throughout the year. If you can't sustain this, what is the point of trying to get her back if you will simply revert back to unacceptable patterns?

[Giraffe-A]

What were you cold and distant about? Has she always had that complaint during your relationship? I’m sorry you are going through this. It really does sting. Use this as a lesson. You have to communicate with your partner...always. Whatever is in your head, let her know. Girls are not mind readers and don’t know when you need space or time to think.

If you hurt her feelings, apologize and hope she gives you the opportunity to be better.

People here give good advice when you need it, so don’t be afraid to ask.

[Geraltt]

I"m sorry you're going through this, Beepeear.

 

If you've spent any time at all on LS, you already know the one-and-only rule for getting over a breakup: No Contact.

 

It may be one of the toughest things you'll ever have to do, but it's necessary.

 

I know you feel empty and broken. These are natural feelings and are to be managed and dealt with, not ignored or brushed aside.

 

You will get through this. I know, at this moment it doesn't feel like it, but you will.

[Beepeear]

Break ups suck. They are painful. The change is jarring.

 

She said she broke up because you were cold & distant. How many times did she complain about that before she was left with no choice but to take drastic action because you never changed? A few days isn't really enough to truly change. But you are not aware of where the problem is & you say you are willing to correct it.

 

I don't know if she will believe you & this is an expensive last ditch effort but try flowers. Have a nice bouquet delivered to her with a heartfelt message about how much you love her, how this should be the happy 2 year anniversary & how you will change in the future. It could very well be a waste of money. But flowers are a cliché for a reason & when a woman tells you that she feels underappreciated flowers can smooth a lot of ills.

 

Before you do that you need to have a plan in your head of how you will be warmer & more attentive throughout the year. If you can't sustain this, what is the point of trying to get her back if you will simply revert back to unacceptable patterns?

 

I would but I don’t want to be that person that keeps bothering her, I displayed my emotions to her yesterday and she just ignored me she just doesn’t want to know, I think I’m just going to let her move on, I’m sure she already has, I appreciate the advice but I just don’t think it will work

[Beepeear]

What were you cold and distant about? Has she always had that complaint during your relationship? I’m sorry you are going through this. It really does sting. Use this as a lesson. You have to communicate with your partner...always. Whatever is in your head, let her know. Girls are not mind readers and don’t know when you need space or time to think.

If you hurt her feelings, apologize and hope she gives you the opportunity to be better.

People here give good advice when you need it, so don’t be afraid to ask.

 

stuff like I’d never compliment her but I did used to, yeah granted I never used to tell her every second but when she was getting ready I’d tell her she looked lovely or when she woke up I’d tell her she was gorgeous and she looks beautiful regardless of the time of day or whatever, I am not a person who pours all my emotion out but everything I did was with good intent and maybe sometimes I was blunt with her and maybe I acted moody with her but I never got told by her that she wants this to change or is sick of this, maybe she just had enough

[Beepeear]

I"m sorry you're going through this, Beepeear.

 

If you've spent any time at all on LS, you already know the one-and-only rule for getting over a breakup: No Contact.

 

It may be one of the toughest things you'll ever have to do, but it's necessary.

 

I know you feel empty and broken. These are natural feelings and are to be managed and dealt with, not ignored or brushed aside.

 

You will get through this. I know, at this moment it doesn't feel like it, but you will.

 

What if I never connect with anyone the same as her? I see advertisements on the tv about holidays and it shows places we went together, Rome, Paris, Spain I just can’t escape the thoughts of her or the constant reminders, the first meeting the first kiss the first time she told me she loved me, I just can’t dealcwith it

[d0nnivain]

I would but I don’t want to be that person that keeps bothering her, I displayed my emotions to her yesterday and she just ignored me she just doesn’t want to know, I think I’m just going to let her move on, I’m sure she already has, I appreciate the advice but I just don’t think it will work

 

You haven't done jack yet. You gave her a bunch of empty words that she's probably heard before. You need to take AN action -- one. Do not blow up her phone. Do not pester her. Do not chase but for pete's sake if you lay down & die you will forever regret it. If you send flowers & that doesn't work, you lose $40+ dollars but you will know you gave it your best shot. If you do nothing, you will always wonder. We regret more in life the chances we did not take.

 

NC works great to get over someone. It causes bigger rifts when the other person wants you to prove your love. When a girl breaks up with you citing the fact that you were cold & distant she is screaming -- CHASE me!! Show me you can stop being cold & distant. If you sit on your hands you will lose her for sure but you have to do something concrete. You can't blow up her phone; you can't write her heart felt emotion laden missives that she doesn't want. You have to do something. Go watch a cheesy 80s Rom Com. You can't very well stand outside her house with a boom box, but hopefully you get my point.

 

I'd send the flowers with a short note, something like:

 

These should be celebratory flowers, commemorating our 2nd anniversary. Instead they are apology flowers. The underlying message is the same: I love you! I know I screwed up & wasn't the loving romantic man you wanted. I am sorry it took such drastic action on your part to make me realize the error of my ways but rest assured, I know how much you mean to me & I don't want to lose you. New Year, new us. This is me, stepping up to the plate. Please give me another chance.

 

All my love, Beepeear

 

Use your own words.

 

This woman wants to be swept off her feet, not swept under the rug. If you don't want to take action to show her how much you care, then she is right -- you are a cold, uncaring guy who she no longer wants or needs as a BF.

Edited January 1, 2019 by d0nnivain

[ExpatInItaly]

Had she never voiced her concerns over your apparent cold and distant behaviour?

 

What do you mean you say you were blunt or moody with her?

 

I am trying to get a better idea of where here mind currently is, and the problems that led to her breaking it off.

[Luke12345]

First, if it's any consolation my gf of 4 and a half years broke up with me a week before Christmas, it's her birthday in Jan, valentines in Feb and our anniversary in March... When I was going to propose, so I feel your pain and I know kind of how you are thinking.

 

I've done a few things to fix it and I feel I am slowly getting there with her so I'm hoping my advice is sound.

 

From what you've said I would say doing nothing is not the way forward, but doing nothing for now is. You've contacted her recently and she showed no interest, if you do something again soon you will push her away. You need to give her some time to miss you and by God that will be hard, it's the hardest thing I did too. Say a week or 2 and then I'd approach her again in a fun way like you're both just being silly and let's talk, coffee? Something light. Or hey I saw this and it reminded of this time we did this, that was so funny! Move it into a meet up.

 

You want to approach her in a week or 2 but you don't want to drag up the negative when you do. There's obviously a distance in her head about you so remind yourself why she fell in love with you in the first place and be that guy, not the current guy who she's obviously distancing herself from now. It was you after all and we're all a bit more fun when we're single. You can talk about the past if you get a face to face with her but otherwise keep it light, show her you care and feel it's important you talk but don't grovel, it just looks unattractive.

 

In the mean time, I found filling the days were hard but the best thing I did was hit the gym. Working out releases endorphenes which make you feel better and you'll feel better anyway because you look better. I'm telling you though, you gotta drag yourself in there. Don't look at pictures and posts of you 2, it's only torture on yourself.

[SevenCity]

You haven't done jack yet. You gave her a bunch of empty words that she's probably heard before. You need to take AN action -- one. Do not blow up her phone. Do not pester her. Do not chase but for pete's sake if you lay down & die you will forever regret it. If you send flowers & that doesn't work, you lose $40+ dollars but you will know you gave it your best shot. If you do nothing, you will always wonder. We regret more in life the chances we did not take.

 

NC works great to get over someone. It causes bigger rifts when the other person wants you to prove your love. When a girl breaks up with you citing the fact that you were cold & distant she is screaming -- CHASE me!! Show me you can stop being cold & distant. If you sit on your hands you will lose her for sure but you have to do something concrete. You can't blow up her phone; you can't write her heart felt emotion laden missives that she doesn't want. You have to do something. Go watch a cheesy 80s Rom Com. You can't very well stand outside her house with a boom box, but hopefully you get my point.

 

I'd send the flowers with a short note, something like:

 

These should be celebratory flowers, commemorating our 2nd anniversary. Instead they are apology flowers. The underlying message is the same: I love you! I know I screwed up & wasn't the loving romantic man you wanted. I am sorry it took such drastic action on your part to make me realize the error of my ways but rest assured, I know how much you mean to me & I don't want to lose you. New Year, new us. This is me, stepping up to the plate. Please give me another chance.

 

All my love, Beepeear

 

Use your own words.

 

This woman wants to be swept off her feet, not swept under the rug. If you don't want to take action to show her how much you care, then she is right -- you are a cold, uncaring guy who she no longer wants or needs as a BF.

 

I have to ask, has flowers ever worked on you to take a guy back?

 

What I have found is that once a woman decides she no longer wants you in your life, the decision is final.

 

You can send her a garden and it doesn't matter. Flowers after you have been dumped come across as:

 

1. Disingenuous
   
2. Pushy
   
3. A bribe for intimacy
   
4. Manipulative
   
5. Too late
   

 

Moreover, chasing a woman does not lead to reconciliation. Instead, it pushes them further away. Additionally, it is facilitating a relationship where she is not communicating well (and no, to guys, hints do not work. We need overt communication "I will leave you if you continue to do this").

 

I've seen many guys chase, send flowers, beg, plead, etc. and I have yet to see it work.

 

OP - My advice would be to say something like this:

 

"I apologize that my behavior pushed you away as it was never my intent. I love you very much and would love for us to give it another shot where we can communicate our needs better. Please reach out to me if you would like to try again".

 

Then, walk away and NEVER LOOK BACK. The chances are she will never return (or only return once the other guy didn't work out and it won't be the same for you and you will never trust her again). There is a slight chance (like 2%) she might come back. In that case, it will only be because it was HER IDEA.

 

No amount of chasing will make her return. Lay your terms on the table, then start dating other women.

 

I've only tried to get one woman back who left me. I never have, and never will, do it again.

[d0nnivain]

Apology flowers have made me revisit my anger on several occasions.

 

I am an unusual woman in that I don't break up with men thoughtlessly. If I am done, there have been warnings & things have been discussed; there has been an effort to fix whatever is wrong. Many people especially ones who give the reasons cited by OPs EX are speaking off the cuff & they can be persuaded by a warm gesture.

 

I am not convinced the flowers will work but they are certainly better then continuing to make empty promises or doing nothing.

[SevenCity]

Apology flowers have made me revisit my anger on several occasions.

 

I am an unusual woman in that I don't break up with men thoughtlessly. If I am done, there have been warnings & things have been discussed; there has been an effort to fix whatever is wrong. Many people especially ones who give the reasons cited by OPs EX are speaking off the cuff & they can be persuaded by a warm gesture.

 

I am not convinced the flowers will work but they are certainly better then continuing to make empty promises or doing nothing.

 

Anger is one thing, apathy is another.

 

I'm all for smoothing things out when a woman is angry (as it seems to happen all the time lol). However, when a woman is done with you it never works.

 

From what the OP wrote, it does not sound like she is angry with him. She sounds so hurt that she fell out of love. Once that happens, there is nothing a guy can do but walk.