Possibity of reconciliation

[Michael1978]

G’day everyone. I’m after some advice. Long post!

 

I’m 40 and my ex-girlfriend is 44. She has 2 kids and divorced. She was single for 4 years when we got together. We were together 2 years but also work in the same small building.

 

My ex dumped me 6 weeks ago. We didn’t have a difficult relationship and we didn’t fight. I had 2 severe depression bouts and was overstretched with work and commitments and she found that I was moody and not the happy guy I usually am over the past 3 months of our relationship.

 

The breakup was brutal and I handled it terribly. Yep, I begged, bargained and carried on. She blocked all my details. I spent the next few weeks in a dark place but actually started getting the help I needed and making the changes to improve myself and get myself back. I quit the overcommitments.

 

At many points I have visited her to defuse situations - tension at work and the like. These chats actually covered lots of ground where the messaging indicated that she wasn’t sure what would happen in the future.

 

Anyway, fast forward a bit, my ex and I were texting and she told me she was sick. I went to her place and looked after her, she hugged me and told me how much shenappreciates me. I did the washing, made the kids beds, cleaned up (it looks like she’d been partying the whole time) and even did the grocery shopping so the kids would have food when they got back from their dad’s. In the course of this my ex said that “if you’d got help 3 months ago then we’d still be together”. This hurt a lot... She invited me over later but then told me that, although what I’ve done, there’s no chance of getting together. I left. I called her the next day to say that I found that offensive and I was simply caring.

 

I left some gifts for the kids Christmas at her desk before Christmas. I asked her if she’d go out with me at some stage and she agreed. She then messaged me to say that her daughter had a gift for me and would I come around Christmas Eve? I did, because it’s the kids (I hadn’t seen them for weeks). The kids were excited and my ex and I talked like we always did. We cooked breakfast for all of us and it was fantastic. Lots of eye contact.

 

My ex then offered for me to come over Christmas Day. I went over in the morning and hung out with my ex alone. We were great. I raised the relationship talk and she shut down (poor communicator). I left and had Christmas with my sister and went back in the late afternoon (invited). Her entire family turned up and were so excited to see me. I left soon after feeling very hopeful but confused.

 

On Boxing Day I got a text “I’m not interested in begetting into a relationship with you again. I’m sorry”.

 

I know she’s confused, and I know that I probably pushed too hard for a relationship. And I know it might take time.

 

I’d usually just move on, but this is the person that I want to grow old with and have many more adventures with.

 

Any suggestions?

[PRW]

We didn’t have a difficult relationship and we didn’t fight.

That is not what I read next.

 

I had 2 severe depression bouts and was overstretched with work and commitments and she found that I was moody and not the happy guy I usually am over the past 3 months of our relationship.

 

The breakup was brutal and I handled it terribly. Yep, I begged, bargained and carried on. She blocked all my details. I spent the next few weeks in a dark place

You absolutely obliterated the relationship with this behavor.

 

but actually started getting the help I needed and making the changes to improve myself and get myself back. I quit the overcommitments.

Fixing yourself does not fix the relationship.

 

At many points I have visited her to defuse situations

It doesn't work like that. This is bogus Hollywood movie ideology. It is not a "bomb" that you can diffuse and it is not a negotiation that you can achieve.

 

In the course of this my ex said that “if you’d got help 3 months ago then we’d still be together”. This hurt a lot...

Exactly. Fixing yourself does not fix the relationship.

 

I called her the next day to say that I found that offensive

If it was a bomb,...you just detonated it. You just "challenged" the feelings of the woman who has already said she is out of love with you.

 

My ex then offered for me to come over Christmas Day. I went over in the morning and hung out with my ex alone. We were great. I raised the relationship talk and she shut down (poor communicator).

She is not a bad communicator. She is just tired of it. You are simply the "Ex" being allowed to visit the kids on a holiday,...and you keep denying the role you are in now.

 

On Boxing Day I got a text “I’m not interested in begetting into a relationship with you again. I’m sorry”.

 

I know she’s confused

She isn't the one confused. She knows exactly what she is doing and tries to be somewhat gracious to you but it keeps biting her in the rear end.

[Giraffe-A]

It sounds like she is done. Whatever happened during those 3 months must have really changed her perception of you.

Getting offended because she didnt want to take you back having taken care of you was uncool. I can see why you would, but love means you’ll do it unconditionally without wanting something in return.

It’s time to put distance between you two because if there’s a miracle of a chance that she is in fact confused, then you need to let her figure that out for herself.

[Michael1978]

That is not what I read next.

 

You absolutely obliterated the relationship with this behavor.

 

Fixing yourself does not fix the relationship.

 

It doesn't work like that. This is bogus Hollywood movie ideology. It is not a "bomb" that you can diffuse and it is not a negotiation that you can achieve.

 

Exactly. Fixing yourself does not fix the relationship.

 

If it was a bomb,...you just detonated it. You just "challenged" the feelings of the woman who has already said she is out of love with you.

 

She is not a bad communicator. She is just tired of it. You are simply the "Ex" being allowed to visit the kids on a holiday,...and you keep denying the role you are in now.

 

She isn't the one confused. She knows exactly what she is doing and tries to be somewhat gracious to you but it keeps biting her in the rear end.

 

I actually appreciate your perspective. I have a tendency to write very clinically and I probably didn’t communicate as well as I could in the interest of brevity.

 

The confusion comments and the like are coming from her to me. Hot, cold...

 

Yes, I wasn’t expecting a magic bullet, I used that already.

 

The diffusing situations refers to the fact that we work in the same portfolio at work and the behaviour between us was causing issues in the workplace. My ex is a poor communicator (even said to me by her family) and she would happily just let the tension continue. This would have resulted in one of us being in HR.

 

I don’t have any expectation, the kids were out of my life and although hard, I had to deal with it. I felt brought back in and then discarded.

 

I realise that I really messed up. I did take an amazing relationship and screw it up when I got insecure.

 

I know it’s a snowballs chance at the end of a long road...

[Michael1978]

It sounds like she is done. Whatever happened during those 3 months must have really changed her perception of you.

Getting offended because she didnt want to take you back having taken care of you was uncool. I can see why you would, but love means you’ll do it unconditionally without wanting something in return.

It’s time to put distance between you two because if there’s a miracle of a chance that she is in fact confused, then you need to let her figure that out for herself.

 

You’re spot on, I did it out of care and love. I can understand how she’d think I had ulterior motives, but I actually didn’t.

 

The follow up call the night after went for two hours of us talking once she saw that I had no expectation.

 

Loving someone is unconditional, and I am starting to see that perhaps she wasn’t there when I needed her - I was doing all the giving in the relationship.

[PRW]

I actually appreciate your perspective. I have a tendency to write very clinically and I probably didn’t communicate as well as I could in the interest of brevity.

 

The confusion comments and the like are coming from her to me. Hot, cold...

 

Yes, I wasn’t expecting a magic bullet, I used that already.

 

The "Hot & Cold" is a common thing. It is tied to her emotions that are going to be up & down. But it is not a confusion thing. It is what I would expect it to be.

 

If you have to work together then you keep the personal life out of work. You both pretty much signed up for that issue when you both agreed to be in a relationship with a co-worker.

 

I wish I had something positive to give you but it seems to be just what it looks like it is.

[elaine567]

Loving someone is unconditional, and I am starting to see that perhaps she wasn’t there when I needed her - I was doing all the giving in the relationship.

 

Parental love is usually unconditional, romantic love isn't...

 

 

She loved you on condition you were a good partner and father for her kids.

In the past three months or maybe longer, I guess you showed her you were neither of these things so she decided she didn't love you, (not in the way you want anyway) and decided to dump you.

 

I think she has made it perfectly clear your relationship is over.

Sorry!

[Michael1978]

Well I guess you guys are right. I made the conscious effort to accept her decision Boxing Day, I deleted all details and have just been doing me since then.

 

It was hard to accept, but maybe her messages a clearer when you aren’t directly involved.

 

Since then...

Her friends contacted me and said that I should keep lines of communication open. He said she’s not handling the separation well.

I received a call from an ex from 5 years ago offering closure on that relationship. It has helped a lot

I’ve studied, read, learned, grown.

I published 10 rules that I am going to live by on my Facebook, how I am going to live this year.

I’ve got fit, taken up my old hobbies like running and cycling. I’m back to going out and watching live music. My weight has dropped (I was fit before, but I look a bit too thin now so I’m bulking up)

 

So she marched into my office Friday and dumped a couple of gifts on my desk, she said “I don’t want these anymore”. I said “cool, are you ok.” She spun and said “yes” as she was walking out. I think this is unnecessary. It was weird. I’ve stopped chasing and communicating. She could have just binned them!

 

Yesterday she signed both her kids into my Netflix account. I am in a good space so I logged in and set up accounts for them. All icons changed. I don’t mind doing this, but it does seem really cheeky.

 

Anyway, I am not hoping for reconciliation, if it happens it will take time.

 

Her reactions since I have cut all contact are out of step I think. I think she wants me as an orbiter in case her new decisions don’t work for her. She knew that I wanted her back, but now that’s not on my radar.

Edited January 6, 2019 by Michael1978

[Normm]

then told me that, although what I’ve done, there’s no chance of getting together. I left. I called her the next day to say that I found that offensive and I was simply caring

 

 

Why would you find that offensive? It's obvious you've been trying to get back with her by almost every action you take towards her and she was simply clarifying her position.

 

 

 

Saying you were "simply caring" is at best patronizing and at worst a lie. Either to her, yourself, or both of you.

[Michael1978]

Why would you find that offensive? It's obvious you've been trying to get back with her by almost every action you take towards her and she was simply clarifying her position.

 

 

 

Saying you were "simply caring" is at best patronizing and at worst a lie. Either to her, yourself, or both of you.

 

Actually, I know who I am, I know my intentions. My career is focussed on the care and betterment of others. That’s how I know that there’s no ulterior motive.

 

Both of my last exes have acknowledge my generosity, kindness and compassion as core values in dating me. Not all gestures have an expectation of return.

[chillii]

Yeah , she wasn't there like that for you though.

Matter of fact it only took her 3 mths and she dumped ya.

Now she still says she's not interested in a relationship with you.

 

 

l'm sorry man and l know all about love believe me but l don't think she's a good woman for you.

[Michael1978]

Yeah , she wasn't there like that for you though.

Matter of fact it only took her 3 mths and she dumped ya.

Now she still says she's not interested in a relationship with you.

 

 

l'm sorry man and l know all about love believe me but l don't think she's a good woman for you.

 

Amen mate... relationships are about giving, not receiving... I realise that I gave without expectation of receiving, in fact every time I tried to voice my needs it was rejected, this rejection eventually ended in resentment, depression and lashing out...

 

When I look. Ack on the first pst I made I realised that I’d rolled over, the truth is that I was almost always giving, she wasn’t... I love her still, but the realism is that I’m probably owed the apology. I worked hard, constantly...

 

If we reconcile then she needs to make the call. After NC from me she’s giving back gifts and then accessing my streaming accounts al over again. There’s a reason I was confused.