I asked for the divorce and feel like crap

[Ryjil]

I just need to vent and ask for a little guidance. I'll try to give a brief rundown and keep things short.

 

Me (35M) initiated a divorce from my (35F) spouse in October.

 

I moved from california to washington state to further my schooling and eventually attend nursing school. We were together for 18 years and married for just over 7 years, and I have been in washington for the last 4.

 

During the entire time of being with her, I constantly felt isolated and alone. She wasn't good at showing affection or love, but even more so, she never really tried.

 

In the 18 years with her, she never took me out on a date, never showed her appreciation for me in the little ways I needed her to such as a hug from behind while i'm cooking her dinner, a love note, etc. I don't need expensive gifts (or any gifts for that matter) but a little handwritten note or SOMETHING would have been the world to me.

 

I always told her how much she meant to me, i showed her by taking her out getting her gifts which i spent a lot of time thinking about, etc.

 

She started drinking early into our relationship and became an alcoholic. She finally got clean a few years ago but apparently still struggles from time to time with the drinking.

 

Over the next decade, life was hell. Her parents are the same style that she is (non-affectionate) and always blamed me for being an angry person. In truth, i'm very difficult to anger and am quite level headed but because of my wife's inability to ever make her mind up or constantly passing off what I have to say like it was nothing -- my frustrations with her began to build and build.

 

I also have to say that she's rich as hell. Her dad owns his own business and she works as a receptionist making 81k a year. Me, on the other hand, am and always was on the verge of being broke. We kept our finances separate and while she paid for the utilities and mortgage on the condo she owned 50% with her parents, I paid for literally everything else. I accomplished so much in the last twenty years and she literally has failed at everything. I pushed for her to get back into school so we could afford to live once her father closes shop and retires, but she just wouldn't get moving. She would take ONE class a semester that was for ONE day a week and then tell me she was too busy to take anymore, but she had time to go home everyday and play Dungeons and Dragons over VOIP for HOURS on end, or watch "let's-play" videos on youtube.

 

I cooked, cleaned the condo, drove her wherever she needed to go, did laundry, grocery shopping, nursed her when she was sick, took care of our pets, etc etc. All the while if something wasn't able to be auto-payed through her bank then she'd forget to take care of the bills. We almost got evicted because she didn't pay the H.O.A for nearly a year. I found out about it when I was served an eviction notice.

 

Sex was far and few between and when we did have sex, it felt distant and as if it was a chore for her. She never initiated or took interest in what I wanted or liked. I'd always make sure she was taken care of, I'd buy her lingerie and sexy toys which would collect dust and never get used.

 

I kept telling her how I felt and she said that she would "try harder" to show affection, but it never came to fruition. Things would be better for a few days to a week and then she'd go back to normal.

 

After I moved to Washington, it got worse.

 

I'd call and leave love messages on her voicemail, send her updates and pictures of me and what I was doing, I even offered to face-time with her and I could show her how to cook each and every night. I always talked to her about her moving up with me and even to this day I still want her up here.

 

She, however, hardly ever called first or left me so much as a text message.

 

She's always been addicted to the internet and gave more energy into her online friends than actual real life, which made feel like crap and I told her so SEVERAL times.

 

We were to remain friends after I initiated the divorce, but recently things have devolved to the point where she pushed so many of my buttons I told her I don't want to be her friend and "****-off", which isn't my most impressive moment as a human being.

 

I sent her a short apology letter and haven't heard from her, I expect not to and I'm not bothering her. Earlier I asked that she block me from everything except for e-mail so that I wouldn't be tempted to try and contact her constantly.

 

Even after all this: I really really miss her.

 

I accept my part in all of this. I realize I could have done things differently, said things earlier, or even cut the relationship off YEARS ago -- and I've worked very very hard on upgrading who I am as a person for myself and those around me while it seems she's never actually grown.

 

During the several conversations we have had after the initiation of the divorce, it struck me that she may have never actually been IN love with me, so i approached her about this.

 

She said that it never occurred to her but that makes sense. She "loved me" but she doesn't know what real love is and said she thinks she has never felt it for anyone in her life.

 

I was devastated. The last 18 years feels like a farce to me. I love her for the person I know is inside, who she was when I met her, but she refuses to do anything about it and I can't go along with it anymore. And yes, I told her several times that I was unhappy and thinking about divorce if things didn't change.

 

I know she was lazy, an alcoholic, emotionally neglectful from the beginning, and she admitted that she now takes care of these things because "no one is there to do it for [her]".

 

Why do I feel so bad to be losing her? the last two months have been hell. I've been happy and depressed, tired and energized (mentally and physically). Am I addicted to the roller-coaster that has been the last 18 years?

 

I've read COUNTLESS articles over COUNTLESS hours about how to cope with divorce and how to move forward but I can't seem to stop loving her. I always have loved her from the first day, and I can't seem to stop even now after all of this pain and emotional neglect.

 

WTF is wrong with me?!

 

Help!

 

Thank you for reading all this and for your responses.

[FMW]

Nothing is wrong with you. You fell in love with someone who wasn't capable of returning your love in the same way. It happens to a lot of us.

 

You were together 18 years, it's going to take time - a lot more than you want unfortunately. You are just now coming to realize that your life wasn't exactly what you thought it was, and that whatever it was is changed now completely. It takes time to wrap your head around it all and figure out where to go from here.

 

Be kind and patient with yourself. This year will be rough at times, but you will get through it and be happy again.

[Ryjil]

Nothing is wrong with you. You fell in love with someone who wasn't capable of returning your love in the same way. It happens to a lot of us.

 

You were together 18 years, it's going to take time - a lot more than you want unfortunately. You are just now coming to realize that your life wasn't exactly what you thought it was, and that whatever it was is changed now completely. It takes time to wrap your head around it all and figure out where to go from here.

 

Be kind and patient with yourself. This year will be rough at times, but you will get through it and be happy again.

 

Thank you. My friends and family keep saying, "buck up! forget her and move on!". Easier said than done.

 

Thank you for validating that I am not crazy.

[Mr. Lucky]

Why do I feel so bad to be losing her?

 

Even folks who separate and divorce over their spouse's infidelity feel the same way you do. Divorce is rarely a victory, there's no winners or medals for getting out alive. And rockiness aside, a long relationship like yours also carries the weight of history and shared memories, had to be some good memories in there somewhere.

 

3 months is not a long time, I had my first date a year after I divorced my cheating ex. Give yourself permission to grieve, it's the first step in moving on...

 

Mr. Lucky

[preraph]

Well, she just sounds like she's immature and hasn't ever maybe had to do for herself to appreciate what someone else does for her. And then she's alcoholic which just makes her more inaccessible. She's rich, so she doesn't need to work hard or accomplish much, and she hasn't.

 

My feeling is if you could fall for her, such as she is, you will certainly find someone who offers you much more in return, though now you are at an age when they may already have kids to divide their time with. Sorry you're going through such a bad time. She is who she is. She is a gamer who has an easy job she gets paid a fortune for and she's got her role models who are also cold seeming, so I guess she came by it honestly. I just think if you miss her, you can easily find someone else who will invest more in you. Good luck.

[Giraffe-A]

Nothing is wrong with you. Many toxic and abusive relationships seem to endure the torture of time because at one point things seemed perfect. You spend the rest of your life waiting for that person to surface.

Don’t feel too crushed now. She’s spoiled and has been enabled. There are couples that have seperated for years and returned. This meaning that what your wife needs is to get a feel of reality. She too has to be without you and the things you did for her. Let her deal and see what happens. Just don’t contact her at all.

[elaine567]

You need to stop focussing on her and start focussing on you.

What she did and didn't do is now history.

Why did you put up with it for so long and how are you going to stop it from happening again.

[Turning point]

There's nothing wrong with you.

 

What you've wanted and what you've actually lived in this relationship don't match up, and it sounds like you still haven't let go of trying to reconcile the two. Perhaps you even filed the divorce as a shot across the bow hoping it would be a turning point rather than an end.

 

Divorce only separates you legally. It can't resolve the conflict of your past experience or the frantic search for meaning, closure, etc. That part you have to do for yourself. At some point you will come to terms with what that relationship REALLY looked like rather than the vision you wanted it to be, and are still romanticizing.

 

This is a divorce you never wanted but, it is the divorce you have always needed. It will be easier when you are able to see that. A good way to get that perspective is to let go of her and accept that it's possible you never had her. You can still be you, and an even better version of you without her.

[whichwayisup]

There's nothing wrong with you. You're grieving the life and marriage you had with her and that's completely normal. Of course you're going to feel sad and feel alone/lonely.

 

Take care of you and allow yourself to grieve.

Spend time with good friends who will make you feel supported and make you laugh. Rely on them and on your family to help you through this.