Why can’t I keep a man?

[Joyce Simmons]

I don’t understand what my problem is. I can get dates, Guys have told me that I’m cute. However after the 3rd or 4th date the guy seeks someone else they like better. Or they want to explore their options. I’m an independent woman, I work full time, I pay my own bills, I don’t have a disability. What the heck do guys want that they don’t want to settle???? I mean, one of my neighbors for example the wife doesn’t work and she’s like around my age like 30. Looks like he works not her. She stays at home all day, doesn’t go anywhere. They don’t have any kids. I don’t know what her deal is, not sure if she is disabled or ill or just plain lazy. She looks fine to me. And want she can still keep a man??? And he doesn’t lose interest in her? She doesn’t even have a job. I’m pretty sure if I was lazy and didn’t have a job I couldn’t even get a man these days. Or should I just be lazy to get a marriage proposal?

[Happy Lemming]

However after the 3rd or 4th date the guy seeks someone else they like better. Or they want to explore their options.

 

Did you sleep with any of them by the 3rd or 4th date?? If no, that might be the issue. It seems the new rule is for women to have sex with a guy by the 3rd date. It appears to be the new "norm"...

[Garcon1986]

How are you selling yourself on dates/ how are you presenting yourself?

[Giraffe-A]

I already went through this phase myself. The thing is that guys don’t care about your job and your independence. It could be a pleasant plus but sadly the guy has to feel warm and fuzzy over you first. It’s great that women can feel empowered and you can pay your way through, but let that be your alter ego. Get in touch with your feminine side. That girl gets to be home for her husband. She doesn’t come home bitching about her coworker Sabrina. She doesn’t have to stay late at work or miss a holiday. She can be a full time mom. He likes how she makes him feel.

If you want a man, you have to be her. There’s a probability that she may not be too happy in her life and is probably looking at you with the same envy. Anyway, be vulnerable. That’s what changed for me.

[Wallysbears]

Cute doesn’t necessarily mean the woman they want to marry/commit to.

 

It’s hard to answer what you’re doing wrong when you haven’t shared what you ARE doing.

 

Do you sleep with guys immediately? Do you come on too strong? And you too needy? Or too open?

 

What is your dating goal?

 

How old are you? How attractive are you?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

How confident are you?

[Joyce Simmons]

I sleep with guys when it feels right, like maybe the 5th. I see nothing nothing wrong with that. Most people do. So, besides my “independence” and ability to pay my own bills-which guys don’t care about at all. Or that I live in an apartment. Even if they don’t care about that..then why should they care about hobbies or if I travel at all? So, what it comes down to, is if he is feeling her? The warm fuzzy feeling? I thought I was good in bed, sure I don’t enjoy cooking but I will eventually if I had a partner

[thefooloftheyear]

I already went through this phase myself. The thing is that guys don’t care about your job and your independence. It could be a pleasant plus but sadly the guy has to feel warm and fuzzy over you first. It’s great that women can feel empowered and you can pay your way through, but let that be your alter ego. Get in touch with your feminine side. That girl gets to be home for her husband. She doesn’t come home bitching about her coworker Sabrina. She doesn’t have to stay late at work or miss a holiday. She can be a full time mom. He likes how she makes him feel.

If you want a man, you have to be her. There’s a probability that she may not be too happy in her life and is probably looking at you with the same envy. Anyway, be vulnerable. That’s what changed for me.

 

Great post....agree with most of it

 

I can only say that as a guy, its important for a woman to not become too "cold"..>Corporate America tends to harden women...That's where a lot of women get stuck in this area.. They lose sight of what is important and what guys see/desire in a "keeper"...

 

That doesn't mean quit your job and go wait tables at the local diner, just that you need to be aware of the things you do, and the image you project and how that affects the average guy that you are vying for attention from..

 

TFY

[Garcon1986]

What are some representative conversations you've have with your dates from dates 1-4?

[Joyce Simmons]

What are some representative conversations you've have with your dates from dates 1-4?

 

The basic questions like: goals,

Turn ons, turn offs. What do I like to do for fun. These questions are meaningless for guys to ask, if the guy dorms remotely feel strongly about her as a woman, like her looks, her sex appeal. Why bother? It must be my looks, that I’m failing at .

[PRW]

I can only take a guess from what you described below.

 

I don’t understand what my problem is. I can get dates, Guys have told me that I’m cute. However after the 3rd or 4th date the guy seeks someone else they like better. Or they want to explore their options. I’m an independent woman, I work full time, I pay my own bills, I don’t have a disability.

Men run from women that they think are TOO independent. They don't think YOU will stick around in the long run and they don't want to deal with a divorce,...and independent women are brutal in a divorce and the laws are slanted in the woman's favor.

 

There also must be good sexual polarity in the relationship so if you come across as too masculine they will lose attraction. Contrary to popular opinion, men are only attracted by the physical at first (the bait), but that isn't what keeps them around (the hook). Women who are more masculine tend to get stuck with the more beta or effeminate men because the masculine men just won't be attracted to them while the beta's or the effeminate ones are looking for a new mommy and masculine women would fit the bill in their eyes.

[Joyce Simmons]

I think the moral of the story if the man isn’t into you he’s just not that into you. Even if I told a guy that I’m a world traveler, and have been to exotic places, which I don’t travel often, a guy still wouldn’t see me as a keeper. Or if I told him that I like to cook. That wouldn’t even be a factor

[Simple Logic]

I am not a young dude, but I see this in young single women I meet. They are successful, reasonably attractive, great personalities, and have great difficulty meeting men and LTR with those they date. I don’t get it. When I was younger and single I would have enjoyed dating and trying a relationship with many of them, but I met very few of these women back in the day.

 

My advice is be you, meet more people, network your friends - I know it sounds like looking for a job, but maybe it is just that process.

[healing light]

Something about your first post reads like the "I'm better than her" vibe. I wouldn't focus overly on your neighbor. You just don't know that she doesn't suffer from an invisible illness like Lyme, CFS, or MS, etc. to make a judgment call about the employment situation. If she's always at home and rarely goes out while not having kids, that's a signal to me that something very well could be off health wise.

 

Now, I know a few men that do care about a woman having a high-powered job, but they seem to be in the minority. I know a lot more that tend to go for women who are feminine, vulnerable, and/or expressive...basically how she makes them feel when they are around her as opposed to her credentials on paper.

 

I think a lot of men desire women that they feel needed/appreciated by in some way. Men like to have a soft spot to land. I tend to agree with the person that said this:

 

Women who are more masculine tend to get stuck with the more effeminate men because the masculine men just won't be attracted to them while the effeminate ones are looking for a new mommy and masculine women would fit the bill in their eyes.

 

Now people can get all up in arms about what constitutes masculine/feminine and the stereotypes involved, etc. but usually the parties in a relationship tend to take on complementary roles.

 

Do you have hobbies outside of work? Do you tell engaging stories? How is your body language? Do you smile a lot or flirt on dates? Are you able to freshen up before dates? Are you still in work mode? What is your contact level like between dates?

 

I've found a sense of humor can go a long way when first getting to know someone. People in general like others who express an interest in them, so if you're hard to read this can backfire. Also, as terrible as it sounds, don't lead with overly cerebral topics. Let that unfold over time. The beginning is usually the light-hearted, warm fuzzy, fun phase.

[healing light]

They are successful, reasonably attractive, great personalities, and have great difficulty meeting men and LTR with those they date. I don’t get it.

 

 

Imo, this is definitely a thing. I was going to say it but then didn't, so I'm glad someone else did. I think when a woman appears to have it all going for them, this can be highly intimidating to a man who isn't secure with himself.

[chillii]

I think the moral of the story if the man isn’t into you he’s just not that into you. Even if I told a guy that I’m a world traveler, and have been to exotic places, which I don’t travel often, a guy still wouldn’t see me as a keeper. Or if I told him that I like to cook. That wouldn’t even be a factor

 

 

Don't think it's about any of that anyway and l'd run a mile from a world traveler and couldn't care less where anyone's been.

And unless your a cold fish all business and boring or on some cooperate rampage no time and bla bla or she's on her high horse are the only kinda things turn me off a working woman but you don't sound like any of that at all.

l can't see how a job in general makes any difference otherwise though, most women have jobs and independence these days as long as they're still warm and feminine and not some of that other stuff l don't givadamn.

And yeah , you don't know any of the fine print about the neighbour.

Who knows the real story but eh if you ever find out let us know haha.

 

What l was hearing in your first post was that they were just dates, nothing special no one special, no real click no real feel , l'm thinking unfortunately it's as simple as you just haven't met the right guy as yet .

But good luck anyway and start being a bit choosy , look for that special someone.

[Malin889]

How confident are you?

 

I like this answer a lot!

[PRW]

Imo, this is definitely a thing. I was going to say it but then didn't, so I'm glad someone else did. I think when a woman appears to have it all going for them, this can be highly intimidating to a man who isn't secure with himself.

Maybe so.

But a lot of men who are completely secure and unintimidated avoid them too. They feel these women won't stick around and don't want to deal with the breakup or, worse yet, the divorce.

[See-Me-Feel-Me]

You sound good to me. At 30 you're in the zone I was in in my early 30's where you meet the ones who have reasons why they they are not already in good relationships or were divorced already. I believed the wrong woman who claimed it was all her ex-husband's doing. What a saga. Be patient and keep your sense of self-worth. Try not to project.

[basil67]

All the positives you have mean little without the underlying personality to engage a guy.

 

Are you warm? Engaging? Fun? Positive? Rarely complain? At the end of the day, a personality which makes him feel good around you trumps all the other stuff.

[snowboy91]

All the positives you have mean little without the underlying personality to engage a guy.

 

Are you warm? Engaging? Fun? Positive? Rarely complain? At the end of the day, a personality which makes him feel good around you trumps all the other stuff.

 

So much this. But I'll add that if you're trying to please every guy you go on dates with, you often end up limiting how much of your personality you show to the guy, and end up coming across as a little dull. As hard as it is, relax and be your fun self, make a guy want to be around you. Sure, some of the things you present might send some guys packing, but that means the right ones will stick around. You don't want just anyone as a partner... and neither does the guy.

[JuneL]

Even if the neighbor is perfectly healthy, it’s not the OP’s place to judge her life. I’m saying this as a woman who has always been financially independent.

 

Something about your first post reads like the "I'm better than her" vibe. I wouldn't focus overly on your neighbor. You just don't know that she doesn't suffer from an invisible illness like Lyme, CFS, or MS, etc. to make a judgment call about the employment situation. If she's always at home and rarely goes out while not having kids, that's a signal to me that something very well could be off health wise.

 

Now, I know a few men that do care about a woman having a high-powered job, but they seem to be in the minority. I know a lot more that tend to go for women who are feminine, vulnerable, and/or expressive...basically how she makes them feel when they are around her as opposed to her credentials on paper.

 

I think a lot of men desire women that they feel needed/appreciated by in some way. Men like to have a soft spot to land. I tend to agree with the person that said this:

 

 

 

Now people can get all up in arms about what constitutes masculine/feminine and the stereotypes involved, etc. but usually the parties in a relationship tend to take on complementary roles.

 

Do you have hobbies outside of work? Do you tell engaging stories? How is your body language? Do you smile a lot or flirt on dates? Are you able to freshen up before dates? Are you still in work mode? What is your contact level like between dates?

 

I've found a sense of humor can go a long way when first getting to know someone. People in general like others who express an interest in them, so if you're hard to read this can backfire. Also, as terrible as it sounds, don't lead with overly cerebral topics. Let that unfold over time. The beginning is usually the light-hearted, warm fuzzy, fun phase.

[ChatroomHero]

I prefer women that are independent, have a good job and I generally don't have to manage their life. What I find in women I date like that is they can be a bit stand-offish and sometimes seem cold. They challenge me on things like they are trying to prove they don't need me. Not all of them, but enough that drive me away.

 

 

It's hard to explain, but sometimes they seem a little cocky or seem to make it a point for me to know they don't need a man, or at least that's the feeling I get. It's like they are independent and plan to stay that way and make it clear, so I feel I'd just be in the way of that and maybe option number #18 in their life. I find those women frosty and a little uptight and just move on.

 

 

Maybe you come off that way?

[Geraltt]

I prefer women that are independent, have a good job and I generally don't have to manage their life. What I find in women I date like that is they can be a bit stand-offish and sometimes seem cold. They challenge me on things like they are trying to prove they don't need me. Not all of them, but enough that drive me away.

 

It's hard to explain, but sometimes they seem a little cocky or seem to make it a point for me to know they don't need a man, or at least that's the feeling I get. It's like they are independent and plan to stay that way and make it clear, so I feel I'd just be in the way of that and maybe option number #18 in their life. I find those women frosty and a little uptight and just move on.

^^ This.

 

When I was online dating, one of the biggest turn-offs for me were those women who went out of their way telling everyone how "strong and independent" they were.

 

Huge red flag.

 

While I appreciate strong and independent women - I'm in an LTR with one right now and wouldn't have it any other way - those that go on crowing about it are most certainly not what they claim.

 

Those who are simply live it, quietly and with confidence. Those who aren't, crow about it, or make a big show of it: always arguing a point, always going out of their way to prove how independent they are, etc etc. It's really off-putting, because it's generally fake and, well, just plain dull. Not unlike trump talking about how smart, or how much of a "stable genius" he is.

 

Those who are, just are. Those who pretend are just, well, pretenders, and are always talking about it.

 

 

Note to the OP: I'm not suggesting that you are one of those pretenders, but what I am suggesting is that perhaps, if you're coming across like that, that might be something to consider monitoring in your behaviour.

[losangelena]

Here’s a revolutionary idea—maybe you just haven’t met the right man yet.