Why can’t I keep a man?

[Happy Lemming]

The issue is not that she cannot attract, the issue is keeping a man.

If the issue was attracting a man then yes she needs to perhaps lower her standards, but she is apparently perfectly capable of attracting such men.

 

If she is not getting past 3-4 dates with any gentlemen, then there has got to be some "deal breaker" that is causing them to bail. If that "deal breaker" is her "closed off" or "guarded" demeanor (and she can't change it) then one viable alternative is to accept a guy that is OK with that trait. Lowering her standards a bit, may provide such a guy.

 

And I'm not talking about taking it to the extremes of an alcoholic or drug abuser, just lowering standards a peg or two.

[JuneL]

Was your gf also able to afford those nice things herself, or was she one of those high maintenance women who depended on the man to spend money on her? If it was the former, then your lifestyles are incompatible; if it was the latter, then she doesn’t sound like a prize. My cousin’s ex-gf was high maintenance like that, and things get old fast.

 

The big thing was my income. All of the men she dated made a lot more than I did. She was used to fine dining, grand vacations, very nice hotels and the guy having a nice car.

 

I've invested all of my money in real estate (for early retirement), not expensive cars or other material possessions. Fine dining for me is Denny's, my vacations include camping in a tent, cooking SPAM & spaghettios in pot over a butane camp stove, and star gazing in front of camp fire. And I drive an old beat up pickup. There were other small items (including religion), but money was the big one.

 

On her "deal breaker" list was dating an accountant. Her and her girlfriends stated "all accountants are cheap" so they wouldn't date one. Well that was my main profession (prior to retirement).

[elaine567]

If she is not getting past 3-4 dates with any gentlemen, then there has got to be some "deal breaker" that is causing them to bail. If that "deal breaker" is her "closed off" or "guarded" demeanor (and she can't change it) then one viable alternative is to accept a guy that is OK with that trait. Lowering her standards a bit, may provide such a guy.

 

Is "lowering standards" correlated with accepting "dealbreakers"?

Or does she just get a guy who may be "more tolerant" as he is more desperate maybe, but who she isn't attracted to?

 

This is not the same situation as the "eternal virgins" where their "impossible" high standards do not match up with reality, the OP is attracting like with like, she doesn't need to lower her standards.

She needs to work out why these guys will stick around for 3-4 dates but no longer.

[JuneL]

If she is not getting past 3-4 dates with any gentlemen, then there has got to be some "deal breaker" that is causing them to bail. If that "deal breaker" is her "closed off" or "guarded" demeanor (and she can't change it) then one viable alternative is to accept a guy that is OK with that trait. Lowering her standards a bit, may provide such a guy.

 

And I'm not talking about taking it to the extremes of an alcoholic or drug abuser, just lowering standards a peg or two.

 

Just curious: Was your gf attracted to you back then? Did she develop romantic feelings and love for you? If yes, I can’t see how that’s lowering standards.

[anika99]

COMPLETELY different situation than Eternal Sunshine.

 

You've lived a full life, obviously, as you do have sons and grandkids. How can this even be compared to her situation? Do you realize we will not have a family like you do if we don't find a companion? A total different situation than yours. How would you feel if your children and grandchildren did not exist?

 

Also I didn't tell anyone to accept unacceptable behavior.

 

I was responding specifically to eternal sunshine and what she said about how she feels and I never said that you told anyone to accept unacceptable behavior now did I?

 

Of course it's different for a young woman who wants a husband and children. She will have more energy and motivation to invest in a man and that is great. There is nothing wrong with setting a goal and going after it but everyone needs to learn that happiness truly does come from within. It's not found in a man and it's not even found in having children. I love my children dearly but only because I know them and they do exist. If they didn't ever exist then I wouldn't miss what I don't know. It is perfectly possible to be happy even with never having children or getting married. If someone who has never married or had children tells me they are happy who am I to say differently? Who am I to say that l feel sad for them? It is rather condescending and judgemental to assume that everyone who doesn't marry or have children is not happy. If someone tells me they are happy with their life then I believe them.

Edited January 5, 2019 by anika99

[edgygirl]

Hey Eternal Sunshine -- sorry I really didn't mean you didn't have a full life when I responded to anika - sorry if it sounded like that and I understand why it did.

 

It's just that I've seen you here since I joined and always thought you were very bright, you seem pretty and you also seem to have your ***t together.

 

It just hurts, as a dater, to see what the dating world has come to, where we mostly get these defective damaged malicious men over and over again and that it's making you give up. It makes me wonder if I should give up too. Life is more fun with a special someone there to enjoy it with, and I had hoped you would find him one day. As I hope for many women I see here. I am in the same situation, so I get you 100%.

 

And of course we can still live a full life -- it would just be a little more fun with a fun guy by our side.

 

Just to make clear: I totally respect your choice and understand your reasons!

 

I do feel I have had a full life regardless of having no children. I never felt a biological need for them.

 

The issues I face as an older woman in the dating market are largely the same regardless of children. I have choice to be treated poorly and put up with all kinds of crap for the sake of having a man. In the last 5 years, I only met a string of substance abusers, unemployed men looking for money or sweet talkers that only wanted sex but pretended otherwise. And this latest trend of men my age (and even few years older) wanting to date 25 year olds? I am done.<snip>

Edited January 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[edgygirl]

It's not condescending when I've been on LS for years and seen Eternal Sunshine since the beginning posting about looking for companion. I know her history and I know she wanted to find someone. I am not saying one cannot be happy without a family -- I am just saying life can be more fun and/or fulfilling with a companion. Is that concept that bizarre? Me thinks not.

 

I was also sad because it make me think about myself - I am in the same situation as her and been here for almost as long and she has, and some part of me grieves to see her give up. I am well within my right to do so, I believe.

 

She responded she's okay with it, and I respect and accept her choice. It's just shocking to me that someone so bright and special as her couldn't find what she was looking for.

 

I was responding specifically to eternal sunshine and what she said about how she feels and I never said that you told anyone to accept unacceptable behavior now did I?

 

Of course it's different for a young woman who wants a husband and children. She will have more energy and motivation to invest in a man and that is great. There is nothing wrong with setting a goal and going after it but everyone needs to learn that happiness truly does come from within. It's not found in a man and it's not even found in having children. I love my children dearly but only because I know them and they do exist. If they didn't ever exist then I wouldn't miss what I don't know. It is perfectly possible to be happy even with never having children or getting married. If someone who has never married or had children tells me they are happy who am I to say differently? Who am I to say that l feel sad for them? It is rather condescending and judgemental to assume that everyone who doesn't marry or have children is not happy. If someone tells me they are happy with their life then I believe them.

[edgygirl]

The deal breaker could be the 1000s of options both men and women get on OLD. "Oh I didn't like that one phrase she said.... next."

 

The beauty of OLD is also its demise. Too many options. People are not that willing to focus on one person anymore until they find the illusory person who is 95% of what they're looking for. Sad!

 

If she is not getting past 3-4 dates with any gentlemen, then there has got to be some "deal breaker" that is causing them to bail. If that "deal breaker" is her "closed off" or "guarded" demeanor (and she can't change it) then one viable alternative is to accept a guy that is OK with that trait. Lowering her standards a bit, may provide such a guy.

 

And I'm not talking about taking it to the extremes of an alcoholic or drug abuser, just lowering standards a peg or two.

[losangelena]

I would like to reiterate that perhaps OP has just yet to meet the right guy. I get that it’s easy to assume it’s something wrong WITH YOU if you keep having the same experience, but with dating it can just ... take a while. And you really never know when you might meet “the one.”

 

She might be frustrated by these men who don’t stick around for more than a few dates, but maybe they’re doing her a favor by not taking up more of her time than she needs to give them. Just because a guy finds you sufficiently beguiling and sticks around beyond date four, does not mean he’s mister right. All it does is add layers of complexity to what is a rather simple situation at the start.

Edited January 5, 2019 by losangelena

[chillii]

Yeah l thought the same a few pages back , it could be as simple as that.

 

l'm also thinking orrrr, it could be a personality thing.

Seems a lotta talk about being closed , closed can be a real turn off and tiring to a guy .

Even only seeing someone 3 or 4 times , you should well and truly be seeing and having a really nice time and feeling really good with each other with pretty well the full person/personality type of thing.

No not talking about things that take 5 10 or 20 yrs and ya still getting surprises , just sayin yaknow the basic.

 

Just wondering op , and you don't have to answer if not comfortable with it but how would you describe your personality ?

 

And another thing l was wondering , have you actually met anyone where you've really really clicked and felt really comfortable and felt 99% yourself with ?

 

 

Sorry if you've already talked about it too much to read back.

[Happy Lemming]

To JuneL:

 

Apparently, the moderators want us to limit our quoting, so I'll try to answer your questions in the order they were asked:

 

(1) No, my girlfriend never made a lot of money, she was an English teacher (now retired) and earned a fair income. She did grow up in a rather nice family setting where there were "Nannies", "Cooks" and "Housekeepers".

 

(2) Yes, her previous "gentleman callers" were much better off than I am and yes they could afford much nicer travels/adventures, etc.

 

(3) She isn't high maintenance to me. I budget everything for the month, before it starts (including travel and entertainment). When the budget is done, its done. I don't exceed it. If this is unacceptable to her, she can leave at any point. She has "free will"

 

(4) I have no idea if she ever had "romantic feelings" for me or not, probably not. We are in the AARP crowd, so it may be more of a companionship/comfortable feeling, but it works for us and she appears to be happy, for the most part.

[Happy Lemming]

To elaine567:

 

Again, limiting my quoting, here.

 

The OP (lowering her standards a bit) is just a working theory. Perhaps there is some "hidden trait" or "unique aspect" to the OP that she may not even be aware of that is turning guys off after 3-4 dates. If this is a consistent pattern, then there has got to be a way to figure out. I doubt the previous "gentleman callers" are willing to fill out a survey with a comment section.

 

Attempting something new, like dating someone she wouldn't necessarily date may reveal this unknown artifact.

[Happy Lemming]

To edgygirl:

 

Yes, I would like to agree with you about On-line Dating. I did (briefly) try OLD, many years ago and HATED it, for some of the reasons you mentioned. Personally, I do much better meeting people in real life.

 

In the past, I've met some great women at various places. In a checkout line at a store, used book stores, lunch counter near my work, participating in hobbies, parties, night school (college) and bars & pubs (just to name a few). Perhaps with the rise of on-line dating and all of this swiping left & right, the dating crowd has lost the ability to socialize and really get to know people. Like you stated, "one phrase" written the wrong way and they don't give the person a chance.

 

My present long-term girlfriend & I met in a pool at an apartment complex. I swam up to her, chit-chatted a bit and asked her out for a drink.

[Mrs._December]

Why can't I keep a man?

The bigger question here is, why would you WANT to?

[Mrs._December]

Why do people give that horrible advice to “focus on school and work?” Bull crap. Were they jealous of me finding love? No, don’t tell young people to focus on school! Has anyone noticed that doctors met their partners at school then they marry, have kids young, Majority of them marry in their late 20’s. If medical students had time to go on dates and surely that whole “focusing on school” speil is utterly bull.

You know why people give you that 'horrible' advice to work hard toward your degree and future?

 

Because 'love don't pay the rent,' that's why.

[Joyce Simmons]

Okay, Well, the next time I go on a 1st date/2nd/3rd dates.

 

Try to be more open

Try to share funny/interesting stories

Be engaging

Not be uptight

Let loose

Ask questions

And since I can be vey guarded and reserved, I’m going to drink at least 2 cocktails to “loosen up.”

Make myself sound more interesting.

Try to be exciting and fun.

 

And most importantly even if I do all those things listed above and I still get nexted-I have to realize the man didn’t feel the “chemistry” or “spark” with me. What crap luck I have with men.

[edgygirl]

Yes to all of the above Joyce Simmons! I'm glad you listened and you're taking everyone's advice into consideration.

 

We all get nexted. We all next. It's part of the game. Accept it or get out of the playground Seriously though, grow a thicker skin. You will be fine. Good luck and keep us posted!

[thefooloftheyear]

Okay, Well, the next time I go on a 1st date/2nd/3rd dates.

 

Try to be more open

Try to share funny/interesting stories

Be engaging

Not be uptight

Let loose

Ask questions

And since I can be vey guarded and reserved, I’m going to drink at least 2 cocktails to “loosen up.”

Make myself sound more interesting.

Try to be exciting and fun.

 

And most importantly even if I do all those things listed above and I still get nexted-I have to realize the man didn’t feel the “chemistry” or “spark” with me. What crap luck I have with men.

 

 

Advice is great, and people should do whatever they can to improve, but at the end of the day, you need to be yourself.. What good is putting on a show, even if it actually works,, if it's not truly who you feel comfortable being...??

 

And quite frankly, its not even fair to the potential guy...He'll dump you once you revert back to yourself, as he will see I t as some kind of bait and switch..

 

Oh, and don't "loosen up" with booze....Horrible advice, especially if you aren't a pro level drinker...The outcome could be positively disastrous...You "loosen up" by being comfortable with the person you are on the other side of the table with...

 

TFY

[LastStraw]

This is true. A relationship is like taking on another job. When you live with someone, it is up to the female to do bulk of the work (including emotional labor). Since I make more than most men, I am also expected to bring my lifestyle down a few levels to match man's or pay for him. No thanks.

 

I wholeheartedly disagree here. Ever since I started dating my boyfriend, yes, it has occupied my free time (which I through and through enjoy, he’s my BFF too ), but life has become so much easier. He’d call me when I feel down (without telling him, he knows...), he’d fix things around the house, he’ll give me good advice how to do things around the house myself... Just even dumb chores like mowing the grass are fun and effortless when he’s around.

 

However, when I was with wrong men before... Yeah, relationship time felt like more work.

[chillii]

Yeah , exactly, wrong person it's all wrong but right person well !

 

l disagree too ES but ya see that's all a few of the things why really successful women can often be a pain.

When it's her makin good mooler it's all tit for tat and she gets a bee up her ass but if it;s him his partner can live it up even if she's off the streets.

And you sound so hard, another of many common traits.

 

PS, and OP yeah fully agree with TF , no need to change you , you gotta be yourself. We could all use just a bit of a lift in some ways though , that's more the sort of thing.

Edited January 7, 2019 by chillii