Why can’t I keep a man?

[Joyce Simmons]

All the positives you have mean little without the underlying personality to engage a guy.

 

Are you warm? Engaging? Fun? Positive? Rarely complain? At the end of the day, a personality which makes him feel good around you trumps all the other stuff.

 

I can be warm and fun. I’m not wild, I’m on the reserved side sometimes. Must be my personality, but then again why would my Personailty do anything with that? A guy will like me for me. Isn’t that how it goes?

[RecentChange]

Now, I know a few men that do care about a woman having a high-powered job, but they seem to be in the minority. I know a lot more that tend to go for women who are feminine, vulnerable, and/or expressive...basically how she makes them feel when they are around her as opposed to her credentials on paper.

 

I think a lot of men desire women that they feel needed/appreciated by in some way. Men like to have a soft spot to land. I tend to agree with the person that said this:

 

Now people can get all up in arms about what constitutes masculine/feminine and the stereotypes involved, etc. but usually the parties in a relationship tend to take on complementary roles.

 

Do you have hobbies outside of work? Do you tell engaging stories? How is your body language? Do you smile a lot or flirt on dates? Are you able to freshen up before dates? Are you still in work mode? What is your contact level like between dates?

 

I've found a sense of humor can go a long way when first getting to know someone. People in general like others who express an interest in them, so if you're hard to read this can backfire. Also, as terrible as it sounds, don't lead with overly cerebral topics. Let that unfold over time. The beginning is usually the light-hearted, warm fuzzy, fun phase.

 

I agree with a lot said in the post here. Now there is no way to say this without sounding like a brag - so I guess I will go ahead and brag.

 

I have never struggled much with men. I am far from the prettiest in the room. I am not the most feminine, I don't have the best physical assets etc.

 

But - I know how to talk to guys. I grew up a tom boy, and most of my close friends growing up were male. So I can talk cars, outdoors etc on a personal level, I can identify with men. But I also embrace feminine qualities. I am good with make up. I understand the power of a flattering dress. I love to cook, take care of my husband, nurse him when sick or injured, keep the home orderly etc.

 

From my dad, I learned the art of story telling, and how to make people laugh or engage them in a funny tale.

 

I know how to smile, and flirt, how to say it with my eyes - and my words. I am confident enough to bring even a shy guy out of his shell.

 

While I am very much career oriented - I don't make a conversation about my work, rather I can empathize with him, and his career. I would say between working professionals, it should never be a pissing contest, but rather an exchange of respect and camaraderie.

 

I tend to be an optimist, so I try to bring positivity and light mood to the conversation.

 

In the end, you want people to feel good around you.

[See-Me-Feel-Me]

Have a tongue scraper?

 

 

Ask a friend or sibling to check you for breath and BO. Sorry to drag this out on ya, but lots of people don't seem to know that their odors are off-putting.

[Arieswoman]

OP,

I agree with #25 - maybe you just haven't met the right guy yet

 

 

I don't know what pool you're fishing in but maybe a change of scenary might help?

 

 

I believe that 'there's a lid for every pot' so don't throw in the towel just yet.

[ChatroomHero]

I can be warm and fun. I’m not wild, I’m on the reserved side sometimes. Must be my personality, but then again why would my Personailty do anything with that? A guy will like me for me. Isn’t that how it goes?

 

 

 

Ah, this might be the problem. Do you think all you have to do is show up?

 

 

Well adjusted people want to date other people that make things better overall for them, not just a warm body. You want to be around people that make you feel good about themselves, make you laugh, make you think and generally make them prefer your company to other people. You do have to sell yourself and you do have to be fun and engaging on a level that fits the person you are dating.

 

 

"A guy will like me for me"...Why, are you likable or engaging or interesting? What if "me" is boring as hell, why would anyone like that?

 

 

It sounds like you are judging yourself on paper and think you should be a solid investment but that's only 1/2 of the equation.

[edgygirl]

How would WE know?

 

I've been dating for a while now, every man I meet and spend a few dates with tells me how attractive they think I am, and different than other women and intelligent.

 

But I still don't have a BF.

 

Because of my last two dating experiences, that started great and crashed so badly, I had to look at myself to make sense of it instead of saying come on I havn't found the right person or so. And I finally realized I might have some childhood traumas that cause me to be on the anxious side, have "attachment theory" issues in a way that I end up saying something one day that pushes men away. I kind of test them.

 

What I am trying to say is - it could be so many things that not even you are aware of. You're the common thread here, not the men. Try to be open to have a hard look at yourself and see if you have patterns you notice from all these dates. There are always patterns and instead of us blaming the world, we have to look at ourselves too. I'm pleased I learned something about myself even if it's hard to process and work on it.

[Joyce Simmons]

How would WE know?

 

I've been dating for a while now, every man I meet and spend a few dates with tells me how attractive they think I am, and different than other women and intelligent.

 

But I still don't have a BF.

 

<snip>

 

I’m thinking that it might be ME, sure I can go on and on about how it’s the guys loss that he didn’t choose me, but I need a reality check. I believe I’ve met good guys-well rounded, however THEY didn’t want me for whatever reason. It can’t be my looks, the sex can’t be it-unless they didn’t like it from me, but I beg to differ. Men do approach me- they check me out and that catches their eye to start convo but after that it’s just ends there. I am who I am. I can be funny-but they guy has to make me come out of my shell. Then it’s too late for them to slowly get to know me by the 5th date, by then another chick comes along who appears to be more “fun” to them.

Edited January 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Joyce Simmons]

And besides isn’t it the mans job to be funny and engaging? I have to put work into it? Doesn’t seem fair.

[basil67]

Men do approach me- they check me out and that catches their eye to start convo but after that it’s just ends there. I am who I am. I can be funny-but they guy has to make me come out of my shell. Then it’s too late for them to slowly get to know me by the 5th date, by then another chick comes along who appears to be more “fun” to them.

 

And besides isn’t it the mans job to be funny and engaging? I have to put work into it? Doesn’t seem fair

 

And we have just nailed what appears to be part of your problem. It's not a guy's job to make you come out of your shell - rather, it's up to both of you to make good and easy conversation with each other. If you're hard to get to know, then it stands to reason they won't connect and will move on to someone who's easier to connect with.

 

Why do you think you stay in your shell for so long?

[Joyce Simmons]

And we have just nailed what appears to be part of your problem. It's not a guy's job to make you come out of your shell - rather, it's up to both of you to make good and easy conversation with each other. If you're hard to get to know, then it stands to reason they won't connect and will move on to someone who's easier to connect with.

 

Why do you think you stay in your shell for so long?

 

I’m guarded and don’t like to open up a whole much on the first date. Why would I do that? I don’t trust the guy especially on the first date by telling personal info that won’t happen till like the 7th or later on as he gets to know me way later, but by then I’m nexted I till some other chick who is outgoing will snatch him up. So, basically I have to SELL my self on the 1st date, be funny, be witty, tell my life story??? Geez. That’s a lot of pressure. It’s either a hot or miss. Let’s say I’ll do all those things on the 1st date, funny, etc, only to be passed on and he still wants to stiff around. Pretty sad, that at my age, I haven’t captured any mans heart.

[chillii]

Imo, this is definitely a thing. I was going to say it but then didn't, so I'm glad someone else did. I think when a woman appears to have it all going for them, this can be highly intimidating to a man who isn't secure with himself.

 

 

 

 

Just another female myth, always amusing how men always get the blame for female problems, they don't even have to be there, they don't even have to know the person.

But what can play a huge part is the person she is , the woman she is and guys often just don't like them , so what you like people you like and fit with not people you don't.

But he's got a problem , yep.

Besides , Op just sounds like an ordinary working girl anyway so so what, just like millions of others out there "in" relationships.

Edited January 3, 2019 by chillii

[Joyce Simmons]

Just another female myth, always amusing how men always get the blame for female problems, they don't even have to be there, they don't even have to know the person.

But what can play a huge part is the person she is , the woman she is and guys often just don't like them , so what. You like people you fit with not people you don't.<snip>

 

So basically no guy was really into me? Or just didn’t like me? Even if I seem like a normal person, with no criminal history, no ex husbands, no kids, no abortions, no aids, I’m not an opioid user, I’m not homeless, never been arrested. It’s a tough world trying to impress a guy these days.

Edited January 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[chillii]

It's hard to say any reasons. lf you've seen say ZA's thread or any other guys thread for example, it's all about them and people analyze them to pieces.

But no ones doing that here , they all seem stuck on some work thing just because you work. Jesus never known a chick that doesn't work what is the big deal, talk about stuck in the mud.

 

But you are different to some of the guys here because you at least meet them for awhile you don't seem to have any trouble meeting them. So this is why l think it could be more you just haven't met the right one yet is probably about all it is.

And you see he'll know your not right for him either that's all.

ps , but it could a;sp be things like the type of guys you go for and stuff too for example, yet another thing no one seems to be asking about.

Edited January 3, 2019 by chillii

[Interstellar]

I don’t understand what my problem is. I can get dates, Guys have told me that I’m cute. However after the 3rd or 4th date the guy seeks someone else they like better. <snip>

 

Prof. Peterson answered it on this video.

 

Maybe you or some women here can see yourself on what he described.

 

Edited January 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Noemiforever43]

I don’t understand what my problem is. I can get dates, Guys have told me that I’m cute. However after the 3rd or 4th date the guy seeks someone else they like better. Or they want to explore their options. I’m an independent woman, I work full time, I pay my own bills, I don’t have a disability. What the heck do guys want that they don’t want to settle???? <snip>

WOW am sorry this is happening to you, take your time and think twice from now on, maybe all you have to do is focus on you for now, and when you least expected it he will come..

Edited January 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[basil67]

I’m guarded and don’t like to open up a whole much on the first date. Why would I do that? I don’t trust the guy especially on the first date by telling personal info that won’t happen till like the 7th or later on as he gets to know me way later, but by then I’m nexted I till some other chick who is outgoing will snatch him up. So, basically I have to SELL my self on the 1st date, be funny, be witty, tell my life story??? Geez. That’s a lot of pressure. It’s either a hot or miss. Let’s say I’ll do all those things on the 1st date, funny, etc, only to be passed on and he still wants to stiff around. Pretty sad, that at my age, I haven’t captured any mans heart.

 

Hmmmm, so adding to you being closed and wanting a man to do the work, there is also cynicism, lack of trust and not understanding that first impressions count. This is why men gravitate to other women who are easier to engage with. I'm not saying this to be mean - only because you asked the question of why you can't keep a man. Good news is that when you recognise a problem, you can address it. You've obviously got enough looks and potential for them to spend a few dates with you - so if you go in with a different attitude, you'll have them eating out of your hand after just a couple of dates.

 

And no, you don't have to tell your life story. Not even sure where that idea came from. Just be light, open and engaging.

Edited January 3, 2019 by basil67

[Eternal Sunshine]

I think it's a combination of luck and personality.

 

 

From many years of observation, women that consistently did well with men were very extroverted. It's more important than looks, intelligence and being a nice person.

 

 

By extroverted I mean know how to tell a story, how to make him laugh, how to bring energy and fun into his life. These women can be obese, substance abusers and unemployed, yet they were never without a man.

 

 

Conversely, the perma-single ones (including myself) tend to be shy and introverted. Shy and introverted women that are married to great guys almost without exception met them when they were very young (under 20 in most cases and definitely under 25).

 

 

 

I am sure that there is exception to every rule, but this is the most consistent rule by far.

[basil67]

Eternal Sunshine, I will second your observation. And if that gregarious woman doesn't have a load of faults, she will even more have men eating out of her hands.

[Wallysbears]

I had to date a lot of duds before I met my husband.

 

Nothing wrong with many of them...just not the right guy.

 

It’s a matter of meeting the right person. I suffered through perfectly fine dates with perfectly nice men that I had no connection or spark with. Or dates with men that were dull or I’m sure that thought I was.

 

It happens. That’s dating.

[thefooloftheyear]

Eternal Sunshine, I will second your observation. And if that gregarious woman doesn't have a load of faults, she will even more have men eating out of her hands.

 

 

Eh....I dunno about that....

 

Many guys, including myself, prefer women who are more reserved.,,, I really don't think that an introverted woman has any disadvantage, all else being equal..

 

But here is something else to consider,.,,

 

Whether guys want kids or not, it is my belief that the woman who has the characteristics of what would make up a really good mother are what attracts men enough to see those women as long term potential...Selflessness, warmth, patience, etc...

 

This may be the reason why the single woman who is totally immersed in her job and never had kids seem perpetually single.. You will hear those women say that guys are too intimidated and that's just pure nonsense.. They are giving off a vibe that makes them look less desirable.. Has nothing to do with intimidation...If you ask most men, they will tell you that a woman with a good salary is a huge plus as it takes some of the pressure of provider off of them.. But, you cant also have the negative aspects of it and expect guys to like it...

 

I've even witnessed that now that I am older, women who have had kids seem to have an easier time attracting men than those that haven't.. This isn't coincidental..

 

 

Now having said all of this, it doesn't mean that those women are doomed to be single for life.... I'd agree with ES, in that a lot of it falls down to just plain luck and opportunity.....

 

TFY

[gaius]

It doesn't really have much to do with introvert/extrovert, I think it's more a matter of sexuality and women being in touch with their primal feminine sides. It's just something men can sense in women really. At least those men that are sexual themselves. Like a male dog being able to tell the female is in heat.

 

At 30 you've waited a real long time to try and address this issue, which probably means you aren't that in touch with your sexual/feminine side for whatever reason. And guys can tell. If you were in touch then dating would have been more of a priority for you earlier on. I can't really give you much advice about how to fix it since I don't know what the root cause in your case is, but that's why men aren't sticking with you at the end of the day.

 

And yes, TFY is right that mothers often have an easier time with men since they're sexual and primal. That's what made the babies in the first place.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I think there are elements of truth in other posts as well. Regardless, it’s extremely difficult to change your personality or disposition this late in life.

[Wallysbears]

It doesn't really have much to do with introvert/extrovert, I think it's more a matter of sexuality and women being in touch with their primal feminine sides. It's just something men can sense in women really. At least those men that are sexual themselves. Like a male dog being able to tell the female is in heat.

 

At 30 you've waited a real long time to try and address this issue, which probably means you aren't that in touch with your sexual/feminine side for whatever reason. And guys can tell. If you were in touch then dating would have been more of a priority for you earlier on. I can't really give you much advice about how to fix it since I don't know what the root cause in your case is, but that's why men aren't sticking with you at the end of the day.

 

And yes, TFY is right that mothers often have an easier time with men since they're sexual and primal. That's what made the babies in the first place.

 

 

No. Just no.

 

First, being 30/close to 30 and just ready to start actually looking for a long term relationship is quite normal in some social circles. By the time you graduate college/graduate school/start a career/vacation/have fun you're already in your late 20's.

[Eternal Sunshine]

No. Just no.

 

First, being 30/close to 30 and just ready to start actually looking for a long term relationship is quite normal in some social circles. By the time you graduate college/graduate school/start a career/vacation/have fun you're already in your late 20's.

 

I think it’s normal but by that time, the best options are already off the market. They may come back on at some stage, divorced and with children. That’s not ideal for a youngish woman.

[Happy Lemming]

I have a question and I hope you are not offended... but are you setting your sights too high?? Do you think some of these guys are saying to themselves... "Well she is nice, but I think I can do better..."

 

I remember dating this one woman, we went out a few times. There was nothing wrong with her, but she was just "plain Jane". Nothing outstanding and I thought to myself... "You know what, I can do better"; so I stopped dating her.

 

How would you feel about lower your sights a bit??