Nutmeg617 Posted January 2, 2019 Share Posted January 2, 2019 Hi all, It’s been years since I posted here, but this site was very helpful when I was figuring out my divorce, so I’m back. 7 years later, I’m finding myself back here struggling again to figure out whether to stay in my relationship or cut my losses and start over. Again. For the past five years I have been in a relationship with a man I first met in high school. We live together, and he has a 13 year old son and I have a 10 year old son. Both boys live with us every other week. My boyfriend can be wonderful - thoughtful, affectionate, patient, faithful, etc. He loves me very much, and wants to get married someday and be together forever. But there are a lot of issues we’re facing. He’s gone a lot. He has various hobbies that distract him from his family and also cause him to accumulate a lot of crap that we don’t need. He has a spending problem and has been lying to me about paying his bills. We’ve been wanting to buy a house (currently renting), and I recently learned that his credit is trashed because he has been irresponsible with his bills. He also owned his own business for a few years up until about a year ago, during which time he never filed his taxes. But perhaps the worst problem of all is that we don’t get along with each other’s kid. His son was raised with no structure or boundaries, he’s mean spirited, and his mom has deliberately turned him against me and told him that I’m not his mother so he doesn’t have to listen to me. My son butts heads with my boyfriend because they are both stubborn and don’t understand each other. My boyfriend has a very rough approach to parenting, whereas I tend to be the one who would rather talk out an issue so I’m often told I cottle my son. This dynamic often causes a rift between my boyfriend and I. Rather than he and I being a united front enforcing house rules, he ends up siding with his son and I end up feeling like I have to protect mine. And this man becomes very unreasonable when he’s angry. About a year ago we got into an argument at dinner time. He brought up something he doesn’t like about my son, my son then flipped out at him standing up for himself, and my boyfriend flipped back and called him a jerk. He was 9. We grabbed our coats and got in the car to try to leave, but boyfriend’s truck was blocking me in. When I asked him to move it he refused, trying to trap us here. I almost had to call the police, it was awful. Since then I’ve been very leery of him around my son (and I just try to avoid his). But I’ve never really gotten over that particular fight because of what he said to my son and the look on his face when he knew we couldn’t get away. Fast forward to last night. We had a New Years party, and there were lots of kids and adults around. I didn’t know that our two boys had gotten into a fight over some money until I heard my boyfriends son tell my son he was going to fight him and “blood would be spilled”. I ran to see what was going on and found my son screaming at my boyfriend (not ok), and him screaming back yelling profanities at a 10 year old. I instinctively went to bat for my kid and was told again that I’m cottling him. I called my mom in tears, and would have left and brought my son to stay with me at my parents house if I hadn’t had a couple cocktails. I feel like I have this Jeckyl and Hyde boyfriend who I want to run screaming from before things get worse but that I do love very much also. My kid comes first, and I don’t think we’ll ever function like a regular family. I don’t want to marry this man, I think that would make matters worse, but there are still a lot of positives in this relationship too. Do I scoop my kid up and move on, just the two of us? Or do I stay committed to this relationship and get counseling and hope for improvement? Insight is appreciated, thank you in advance. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 2, 2019 Share Posted January 2, 2019 My kid comes first Then here's a very simple question - is this a healthy environment for him? I think you know the answer but are understandably shying away from the challenges it brings. Hard to be alone but, were I your son, I wouldn't want to come to your house. For some fortunate reason, my (2nd) wife and son clicked from the moment they met. She never tried to be his Mom but is a central person is his life that loves and cares about him. Had it not worked out that way, I wouldn't have continued the relationship. So you have, what seems to me, a clear choice to make. Hard to see you - and your son - enduring another 10 years of this... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts