MonkeyJoe Posted January 2, 2019 Share Posted January 2, 2019 Good morning! This is my first post & I’m glad I found this forum as I could really use some advice. I am really struggling to co-parent with my ex-wife. Before I go any further – I want to say that I hope I don’t come across as a bitter ex-husband. I don’t want her back. I don’t want her life to be bad. I really just want us to both be happy as it’s what our kids need and what they’re not getting right now. My ex-wife can be a difficult person. I would describe her as a narcissist (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201409/10-signs-youre-in-relationship-narcissist). She initiated the divorce for reasons that are still unclear to me and no – I don’t think I’m just a clueless guy – her reasons never made much sense to myself or our friends & family. That’s all water under the bridge, however. I’ve moved on. I spent a couple of years figuring myself out – figuring out how to be a great single dad & then finally meeting a great girl in late 2017. My life is finally starting to feel whole/stable again. Our kids are 9 and 6. My ex-wife and I split custody/placement 50/50 – so being good co-parents is really important. Whether I like it or not – I need to be able to communicate with her, but it’s been very hard. She’s made some bad choices since we were divorced: quickly meeting a bad guy (bad for her & bad for our kids – I can give more detail – but suffice to say he’s become a cancerous influence). She moved him & his kids into her condo within weeks of meeting him. They have since had a child together. She kicked him out back in August, but they tried to work it out. She again kicked him out in early November, but he still isn’t gone. They’re deeply in debt & she recently lost her job due to her unraveling personal life spilling over into her professional life. What she does with her personal life is her business, but when it impacts our kids – then it becomes my business. For instance, I’ve been working really hard with my kids on a handful of things. I’m really working with my 6-year-old daughter to become more independent. We’re working on moving past the “I can’t do it” comments. A basic example happened last night. She had a bottle of milk from McDonald’s and without trying said she couldn’t open it. I asked her to try – that led to tears – but she eventually did try & she figured it out. With my son, we’re working on his general anxiety (a lot of which comes from the boyfriend), but there have also been some instances of dishonesty over the last couple of months – so we’re working on developing trust & taking responsibility for our actions. I am not a disciplinarian. I am not heavy handed, but I obviously want my kids to grow up to be healthy adults. Overall, I also try to maintain a level of consistency at my house: consistency in regards to love, attention, rules, and so on. I work hard to let them know that my love is unconditional & that my house is always a safe place. It isn’t always easy. We’re making progress, but there are still plenty of tantrums & bad behavior. The hard part is that it truly feels like whenever they come back from their mom’s house – so much of our progress has been lost. I end up spending a lot of time just trying to rebuild them. They come back needy. My daughter regresses – she leaves my house having made progress towards becoming a “big” girl & returns talking in baby talk & crying when she has to do simple tasks. My son becomes moody & sullen & recently has started to become kind resentful/disrespectful towards me. Again – I don’t want to make it sound like I’m completely perfect & that everything bad that happens is because he life/household is a mess, but I think there is a connection. I haven’t always gotten this parenting thing right, but the difference appears to be that I’m able to recognize when I screw up & then adjust course. I try talking to her about this stuff on a regular basis, but most of the time it’s like talking to a wall. She doesn’t want to hear it. She has excuses for everything. She loves simply deflecting everything back on me. She claims she doesn’t understand why I’m having trouble because they’re always “perfect” around her house. I do my best to stay on point & not let my emotions get carried away, but it feels like every honest question/comment from me is taken by her as an attack against her as a person and a parent. We just never get anywhere & it’s getting so hard trying to pull my kids together when they get back to me. I’ll keep going because I know it is important. I’m stubbornly optimistic that our relationship will improve, but so far it has not. I’m trying to not be angry with her. I really want us to be able to get along, but right now it feels like it just isn’t working. Link to post Share on other sites
Giraffe-A Posted January 2, 2019 Share Posted January 2, 2019 Everyone seems to have different parental ideals and this would be an issue whether you were still married or not. Short of taking full custody of your kids, this seems like it will continue. Best you can do is continue teaching them your rules when they are with you and let your wife handle it her way. The only time to interfere is if your kids complain about abuse. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MonkeyJoe Posted January 2, 2019 Author Share Posted January 2, 2019 Everyone seems to have different parental ideals and this would be an issue whether you were still married or not. Short of taking full custody of your kids, this seems like it will continue. Best you can do is continue teaching them your rules when they are with you and let your wife handle it her way. The only time to interfere is if your kids complain about abuse. I agree and that's kind of what we've been doing: concentrating on doing the best we can when we have them & really trying to take the high ground in most matters (she is very quick to go low). It's just very hard when I feel like I do so much to build them up & then they come back to me broken back down. I know there isn't a lot I can do about it, which is why I just keep hoping we can learn to actually co-parent together. Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted January 2, 2019 Share Posted January 2, 2019 I think I recognized your story from another username. Any reasons why you need to create a new username for this issue/question? Happy New Year! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rockdad Posted January 2, 2019 Share Posted January 2, 2019 If your ex leans to have narcissistic behaviors they are naturally self centered as a practice not weighing others opinions and views above their own including their kids. You may even come to an agreement on certain child-rearing things just to see her not honoring that agreement on a whim and do what they want anyway. It's a long aggravating road in front of you most likely. In the States getting full custody involuntarily from her is not likely without extreme circumstance. There is no law against being a poor/bad parent as awful as that sounds. You know what you are dealing with so tend to approach things in a manner that she sees it as an advantage and serving to her. It's hard to choke it down and put up with it year after year but that's the sentence we get when we have children with this personality type. Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
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