Post your NC "success" stories here

[Aloha123]

If you have successfully broken away from an affair through NC, please post your story here.

So often, people come to this forum in the depths of despair, and so, when it comes to NC, you mainly hear about the turmoil, the loneliness, how hard it is, failed attempts, etc. Honestly, sometimes NC sounds so hard, painful, prolonged, and futile that it does not always necessarily seem more appealing than the prospect of continuing on with the status quo.

So, if NC ultimately allowed you to successfully end the obsession, break the vicious cycle, move on to a better (or at least less agonizing) life, please post your experience here. Specifically curious re how long it took to "feel better" than you did in the A.

Thanks -- I am looking for some inspiration in the new year to finally cut my losses.

[Giraffe-A]

Successes of exes coming back always happen, but for me, only one has worked fully and the second one is yet to be determined.

 

Exes or just dates have always reached back out to me to apologize. This happened anywhere from 4months to a year. One of my most toxic relationships ended being a good friendship for the next 8 yrs or so, but I will no longer go out of my way to make contact and hearing from him doesn’t bother me. It took us about 3 years to really bury this. At that time, no amount of NC made a difference. The feelings wouldn’t go away. I had to seriously block him from EVERYTHING! Took almost 4 years to get over him. Now I realize I didn’t love him. I was just not living my best life and he was my escape.

 

My first love broke up with me to be with another girl. I begged literrally for a few momths, and one day I just stopped calling and moved to another town. Can’t remember if he came back 3 or 6 months later. He said when he didn’t hear from me he freaked out. He was able to find me in the next town over and by the end of that week I was living with him. I ended with him for the next 10 years until he passed away.

 

Some guys I dated for a few months ghosted me but later came back to apologize and tell me why they left. Reasons were pretty basic, they lost their job and were embarrassed to tell me, they felt I deserved more, they thought they could not make me happy and they thought someone like me would end up leaving them.

 

The last one, I broke NC contact on my own and glad I did too. It’s the only time I felt like I needed to. So glad I did.

 

Overall, if the date or time together was not meaningful, they rarely call back. For the meaningful ones and the toxic ones, they always came back. The difference was taking that time apart (which does help alot!) to help you determine if it’s worth a second shot or not. Toxic relationships are never a good thing to go back to. Ever! If you feel you were the best gf/bf, then just use NC to regain yourself. If someone gave you a reason for the breakup, use NC to reflect on that and better yourself...if not for your ex, but your new relationship.

If you’re ghosted, only text one time and let go. Don’t leave emotional messages out of anger. Hope that helps.

[kxpxsc3]

I don't have much in terms of success (yet) as I've been in NC only shortly.

 

But maybe I can help by giving you some tips on how I came to the conclusion that this is necessary in any scenario that takes place with MM:

 

- I had to convince myself, that the situation, as is, is completely hopeless. Me sticking around does nothing to improve my life, help me move forward, or in the very tiny chance... motivate MM to make a change to his situation.

- IF MM divorced his wife and left his kids in the current state of things and potentially ever (she knows about the affair but thinks it has ended) - I would never be accepted by his family, definitely not by his kids.

- MM deals with issues in his life/relationship through infidelity. In order for him to truly 'change' and not repeat the same behavior with his current wife or anyone else, he would need to spend time alone and get some help to learn to deal with issues in another way.

- In all reality, MM does not want to divorce his wife. Many MM/MW don't. They like their house, their kids, their dog, their car, their money, their friends, their family life together. They like it MORE than the idea of leaving it all to be with their AP.

 

They like the security of their family plus an exciting A on the side.

 

It's tough to swallow this pill but I'm hoping right there with you that by cutting my losses, I can move onto someone who will give me what I DESERVE.

[BeStrongGuys]

Deep emotional Affair for 2 years.

 

 

She left her husband but then she was confused about what she wants.

 

 

I went NC.

 

 

After 10 days, she came back saying how much she miss me and hoy deep she is in love with me.

 

 

I will meet her today, but I am really aware her " issues " are still there and very fresh...

[Abetterme]

I too pour through these old threads looking for the success stories. These continue to give me hope that I might feel better one day. I hope others continue to post to this new thread.

 

I am @ 2 weeks NC so can’t say I’m much of a success, but would offer up some resources beyond IC that have helped me. I listened to a Marriage Helper podcast series on the stages of limerance. It continued to reinforce that this fantasy relationship was nothing special or unique and followed a very common trajectory. As with any breakup, the feeling of rejection can make you stuck (or at least for me), but understanding the biochemical addictive nature has been another a-ha moment. I don’t need to ruminate on “did he really care”, etc because it’s just not important in the nature of how these things end. I have to be the one to end the cycle. Meditation and exercise has also been extremely helpful. I like having a competition or race goal to keep motivated so planning for that now.

 

I also think without a dday, you have to be truly ready to end. We had a period of 10 weeks no contact last spring and while I knew it was for the best, I didn’t feel better even for a day and wished he would make contact. After he did it was purely hell on earth and I regret it immensely. I have found pulling the plug on toxic relationships is near impossible for me. I was a former BS, went through multiple ddays and much emotional abuse with my xH and still he was the one who finally walked away. I am thinking of MM having the wherewithal to finally say enough is enough as the biggest gift he could give me, just like my xH. Staying NC is the only option for me.

 

Healing is a day closer, every day....

[Bittersweetie]

I am 8 years NC. Though I don't even think about "being NC" anymore, I had to count on my fingers to figure out how many years it has been.

 

I'd been doing NC on and off until my d-day, when it officially started (the A ended months before). I would say it took 6 months to a 1 year for NC to become a habit. I didn't really have an interest in xAP after d-day, but dealing with all of the aftermath of d-day and my affair, a mess that I created, I found myself sometimes wanting to reach out or google as an escape from my reality. I also do think there was an addiction aspect, because if I reached out or found some new info on xAP online, I felt a rush. When I felt terrible, I wanted a rush, to feel better, and that made it hard sometimes to not break NC.

 

I do remember clearly at that time thinking of NC one day at a time. I would tell myself, I will not google him TODAY. I wasn't sure if I could do forever though...thinking of something as "forever" just seemed way too overwhelming. But I could do one day so that's how I framed it. And days turned into weeks, into months, into years, and here I am.

 

My xAP never reached out to me. But I can see now that when I started NC, it was for me...I wasn't going to contact, or google, it was me slowly rebuilding my strength and personal integrity. So as time went on, I didn't want to waste all that hard work, which gave me even more reason to stay NC.

 

Good luck and happy new year.

[eastdean]

I had a 2 year EA / PA. For my AP it was an exit A although she always denied that. She split with her H while we were involved. My W discovered the A and I confessed to it readily and informed AP it was over and we had to go NC.

 

She did not take it well and I readily admit I did it coldly and abruptly. I did not want to have some sort of drawn out exit with her. I never once thought of leaving W and AP knew that.

 

As the dust settled, W and I reconciled (though I know she has never fully recovered in the 5 years since). For my part I learned my lesson and went completely straight and devoted myself to my marriage and my W.

 

Even so I could not fully banish AP from my thoughts. I "checked up" on her from time to time on line but did not contact her. She texted me once, out of the blue, but I ignored it and told W about it immediately.

 

But my conscience was troubling me about the abrupt cold way I ended it. so 1.5 years after Dday, I contacted AP. We exchanged emails and had several phone calls. No meetings. AP had not fully moved on. Was still struggling. She was also furious with me. I apologized to her.

 

During these exchanges I told W about it. I did not want secrets. She was (understandably) very upset that I had broken NC. We had a rough time for a while, and I realized that I had no business breaking NC and just had to tough out the bad feelings I had about the way I had treated AP.

 

Slowly those feelings dissipated. I seldom think of AP now and I certainly have no yearnings or desires or anything like that. I feel that has all burned out of me. It just took time. 5+ years in my case.

[Missedmistress]

I have been in NC little over 7 months so not that long but I think I'm over the initial worst part. I don't want to contact him.

 

Quick story: 15 months EA/PA with my H's best friend, also married, long friendship before with absolutely no signs of this ever would occur between us, came like a lightning bolt exactly 2 years ago at NYE at their house. Anyway, A was discovered later, 2 DDays, on both ends (I told my H voluntarily, he was caught) with a few months apart. He broke it off after second but still kept coming back to me. There were real feelings, we didn't lie to each other about anything, I think. In the end I sent him away in a rude message, I was tired of the limbo, that was about 7.5 months ago.

 

I usually go strong, I want to keep NC because 1, I don't want to hear how he is reconciling his marriage 2, if he is reconciling, it would mess things up for him and I truly don't want that. I don't want to be with him and I don't want to end my marriage on an affair (I never have). I do miss him though, it's so effed up.

 

With all my intentions to stay strong in NC, I came very close this NYE as I had one too many drinks and I typed out an email to him to say 'Happy New Year!!" but I deleted before hitting send. I woke up in a cold sweat the next day when I remembered frantically looking at my phone to make sure I didn't send something to him. I didn't, and it will stay that way.

Edited January 4, 2019 by Missedmistress

[Missedmistress]

Slowly those feelings dissipated. I seldom think of AP now and I certainly have no yearnings or desires or anything like that. I feel that has all burned out of me. It just took time. 5+ years in my case.

 

Jeez, I hope I won't be here in 5 years saying the same thing. It must have been difficult for you.

[ladydesigner]

Putting my xMOW hat here... my RA was over 10 years ago and have been NC ever since. The A ending and implementing NC was the best thing I could do for myself and my healing. My WS is aware of my RA and we have discussed it and I have also been in therapy all these years.

 

A relationship built on lies is not a stable relationship nor a healthy one.

 

NC while very difficult in the beginning can be done if you stick with it and just get through it. You have to feel all the uncomfortable emotions as they pass, but the only way out is through the pain.

 

Best of luck to all in NC and keep it up YOU ARE WORTH IT.

[jah526]

I guess I’m a success story? It’s been 1.5 years now. I never see him anymore. He’s off-site a couple days a week now. I’m not gonna lie and say I don’t miss him though. Unlike most others here, I’m also struggling with the knowledge that he not only didn’t love me, I don’t think he cared at all about me. To me, being with someone intimately is an act of love and I find it difficult to wrap my mind around the idea that for many people it isn’t necessarily. But then I read a blunt statement on one site to the effect that men can f*** a lamppost, they can f*** someone they hate.

 

I just don’t get why these men go after the romantic suckers like me, the ones most likely to be crushed by it. I mean, why don’t they go after the stone cold sociopathic female versions of themselves?

[HappyAgain2014]

Successful NC is really ending the affair. I think NC is used most of the time as a time-out versus ending the affair.

 

I ended my affair and started dating. Almost six years later, I’m married to a wonderful man and couldn’t be happier.

[eastdean]

Jeez, I hope I won't be here in 5 years saying the same thing. It must have been difficult for you.

 

Very difficult, and I can't claim the difficulty is over. I still have the occasional random desire to seek her out, check on her, etc. I don't act on these urges, but I still have them.

[Naivewomen]

Very difficult, and I can't claim the difficulty is over. I still have the occasional random desire to seek her out, check on her, etc. I don't act on these urges, but I still have them.

 

Are you married?? 5 years is a long time to still feel the urge. Did you love her??

[MissBee]

Some folks seem to associate NC success with the person coming back, when NC isn't at all about getting someone to come back.

 

My A ended over a decade ago, we also had a chance at trying for a non-A relationship, it didn't work out. After that I dated many others, including, one person who lied about having a fiance, so I was the OW without even knowing, but this was a few months long. I stopped contact with him in June of 2016 and scarcely remember he exists.

 

I'm happily committed to someone else after also going through a rough breakup in the summer of 2017. With that breakup I immediately implemented NC and haven't spoken to them since (except once by accident) and met my now partner in the fall of that year. All of that to say, with time and NC you do move on to better situations. My current partner and I broke up for 2.5 months and had NC in a way, but it was a very specific kind of breakup, more like we agreed to think about what we wanted from each other, and that space led to us realizing we did want the relationship and we came back together and worked out the logistics to be together....this is the only relationship in which I have gotten back with the person and it's ended up better. It's also the only one where we were agreeing to think about stuff, most NC isn't to think, it's to move on.In most cases, NC helps you to realize you can do a lot better and you break the attachment to this person.

[ZBA]

Here’s my NC experience for anyone it may help.

 

XMM and I had been so much that would take far too long to detail here. Our A lasted for 3.5 years and eventually had a truly tumultuous DD on both sides. I really thought I was in love with him though - so when we basically dropped me for an entire summer post-DD to repair his marriage, I was devastated. I could barely eat, socialize, go thru my daily routine, etc. I had a constant pain in my chest.

 

Eventually he came back and we fell into our old familiar cycle again, like old times. Except this time he did TO me what he’d done WITH me: he cheated. More than once, and in a truly awful way I won’t bother getting into. It was never the same after that, but I was too invested and too addicted to the affair high to let go. I should have cut my losses right then; however, my self-worth had sunk so low, I wanted him to fight for me, to realize what he’d lost, to regret it.

 

We had a mini NC period after he cheated, but as I said, I still craved his attention, and the validation. I missed him the whole time. So when he broke NC and started pursuing me again a couple of months later, I let him. It embarrasses me now to admit this, but as long as he wanted me again, all felt good in my world. Guess what tho? Only a month and a half after we got back in touch, I once again I caught him in a lie. It was a big one. He was chatting up yet another female, just as we were slowly reconnecting, and taking deliberate steps to hide it from me.

 

That was really it for me. Close to 4 years after we’d started our A, I finally did something I thought I could never do: I just simply ghosted him. It was hard to do at first because our lives and emotions had been entangled for so many years, but I knew I had to go thru with it. So I did it my own way. Once I discovered he was lying again, I asked him to make good on a bet he’d lost to me, for which he owed me a dinner. This would be our goodbye dinner; he just didn’t know it.

 

I know my method is quite unorthodox, but I’m the type of person who needs to tie up loose ends. It was a little bit surreal. It’s like you’re watching yourself in some weird movie scene where only one character knows what’s really happening, and the other doesn’t. I knew if I got my goodbye, on my own terms, I could do it. I could cut him off. I used that evening to say some things I knew I wouldn’t want to leave unsaid (nothing too obvious that would tip off that it was a goodbye); for whatever reason it got emotional on both ends and we both shed a few tears. At the very end, I hugged him goodbye in the parking lot and sniffled into his shoulder, realizing I’d never see him again. He asked why I was crying and instead of answering, I made a joke.

 

But he’d learn the answer to his question the next day. He texted me the following evening, casually. I never replied. A day later he was still unsure and sent me a Snapchat... never replied to that either. He stayed quiet after that for two weeks, then made one more passive try. I stayed silent.

 

I have never spoken to him since. It’s been 9 months. I remember there was a time when I couldn’t stay away from him for a full day. I guess eventually you just reach your breaking point and you’re done. It was hard at first, because you still felt something for that person once, but you have to be real with yourself and realize that people keep showing you who they truly are, over and over. It’s up to you to see it for what it is. It took a long time for me to get there... 3.5 years too long. I have no regrets on NC or ghosting him. He can wonder about me all he wants. Instead of exploding at him, like previous times, I simply disappeared.

 

Full disclosure: I do snoop on occasion, I won’t lie, but not in a lusty way. It’s more like curiosity. I’m sure soon enough that curiosity will subside as well. I have no desire to go back, not even 1%. If you knew how bad I had it back then, you’d realize what a big deal it is for me to say that. I’m actually now appalled that I went on with xMM for as long as I did. It’s crazy, but the whole affair fog thing is completely true. You never could have convinced me of that back then; I thought we were “different” somehow. But now I see it was just the exciting nature of any A making me think it was something special. IT WASN’T. There is totally life beyond the fog tho. You can do it... I’m proof. I’ve made room for so much more happiness in my life now that I’m out of it. I have been working on my M, trying to reconnect, and yes, my H knows everything that happened. It will be a very long road, but I’m beyond grateful to even have the opportunity at all.

 

I’ve also had to take a lot of long, hard looks in the mirror, admit the type of person I’d chosen to be, and think about how to reconcile that with the person I want to become going forward.

 

I know everyone has to go thru their own journey; god knows I had to make my own mistakes over and over, but just know it does get better once you get thru the worst of it. The ****ty feelings and urges to reach out are just withdrawals... I promise. The first few months were the hardest, because I was experiencing a lot of “firsts” without him (birthdays, holidays, etc). But it is no longer NC for me now... it’s just, well, normal And if he were to reach out to me again today, my answer would remain the same: silence.

 

NC is a gift, my friends.

[Abetterme]

@ZBA - so wonderful to read!! This gives me a lot of hope!

 

So happy you are doing well!

[ZBA]

@ZBA - so wonderful to read!! This gives me a lot of hope!

 

So happy you are doing well!

 

If it gave you hope, I’m SO happy! You got this! <3

 

- Former affair junkie, 9 months clean ... lol.