Bananapancake Posted January 2, 2019 Share Posted January 2, 2019 I´m in a relationship since about a year now. Things are going well I think, we spend a lot of time together, we can talk, we laugh and he really is someone I´d want to stay with long term. Due to my upbringing and past relationships (especially one) that wasn´t so sincere I´m a bit scared. In the past relationship it trned out that the person didn´t really love me, but oved the idea of being in love with me. Stupidly I hang on for quite some time while he was lying and going behind my back. I can´t blame it all on that, I do have some doubts and low self esteem time to time which sometime has gotten the best of me. I´ve been wuite expressive about my feelings but also my fears and I now fear that my boyfriend feel obligated to sweet talk me. He´s always given me compliments, been caring and affectionate. But sometimes I just can´t believe it. I´m worried also he just like the idea of being with me as I am a quite decent person... I´m worried he feels pressure to want to movein with me, since it was my idea and I keep being terrified that it´ll break. He reassures me, gives me most of his time, plans with me etc. How do quiet this low self esteem that keep me second guessing? Would he really stay if he didn´t want to? The other day he said that having someones love so entirely comes with responsibilty, or something like that and it got my head spinning. He said it doesn´t scare him anymore and that I´m the best thing that has happened to him. Why do I keep having these destructive thoughts. Anyone who has coped with the same issues? I feel guilty when he compliments me a lot, and find it hard to grasp. Link to post Share on other sites
PRW Posted January 2, 2019 Share Posted January 2, 2019 The other day he said that having someones love so entirely comes with responsibilty, or something like that and it got my head spinning. He said it doesn´t scare him anymore and that I´m the best thing that has happened to him. Why do I keep having these destructive thoughts. Anyone who has coped with the same issues? I feel guilty when he compliments me a lot, and find it hard to grasp.Maybe it is because he doesn't convince you that what he says is true. You think maybe he is saying it to manipulate,...that he compliments you TOO much. Maybe you feel that his actions aren't congruent with his words. Maybe you sense his own insecurity which keeps you from feeling emotionally safe with him. All I can say are "Maybes". There is no way that I can know for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Gretchen12 Posted January 3, 2019 Share Posted January 3, 2019 When this becomes really excessive, it is paranoia. Can you do some mental exercises to dial it back? We CAN control what to think about. Once you learn how to do that, you have more peace for the rest of your life. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 3, 2019 Share Posted January 3, 2019 You have a self esteem problem that you need to work on. When you believe in yourself you will see that you are worthy of love, that some past SO's behavior is meaningless regarding your future & that your current BF is not with you out of some sort of obligation because he feels sorry for you (people just aren't that self sacrificing) Get some self help books about self esteem & do the exercises. In time you will stop second guessing every kindness. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted January 3, 2019 Share Posted January 3, 2019 Maybe it is because he doesn't convince you that what he says is true. You think maybe he is saying it to manipulate,...that he compliments you TOO much. Maybe you feel that his actions aren't congruent with his words. Maybe you sense his own insecurity which keeps you from feeling emotionally safe with him. All I can say are "Maybes". There is no way that I can know for sure. Unbelievable. And once again it's all his fault, even when she actually gives a list of her own awareness and issues. "maybe" , it's like she said ! Because he sounds like a decent guy to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bananapancake Posted January 3, 2019 Author Share Posted January 3, 2019 Unbelievable. And once again it's all his fault, even when she actually gives a list of her own awareness and issues. "maybe" , it's like she said ! Because he sounds like a decent guy to me. Yes, he really is a decent Guy. So decent that I’m affraid that I trapped him and smothered him with ny needyness that comes from MY low self esteem. I’ve been overly emotional time to time, and gotten upset over nothing. I’m worried that Im psychologically abused him because of it. I never name call or do irrational things like checking his phone etc. But I’m worried that I sometimes make him feel like he is not good enough for being needy and worried. Can I fix this? I’d like to work on myself and also make him feel safe and happy since I now fear he’s walking on egg shells (I tend to worry a lot I should add). I know I can’t undothe past but how can I make it better and re-establish a good balance? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bananapancake Posted January 3, 2019 Author Share Posted January 3, 2019 You have a self esteem problem that you need to work on. When you believe in yourself you will see that you are worthy of love, that some past SO's behavior is meaningless regarding your future & that your current BF is not with you out of some sort of obligation because he feels sorry for you (people just aren't that self sacrificing) Get some self help books about self esteem & do the exercises. In time you will stop second guessing every kindness. Thank you, this is very likely. Easier Said than done but I really want to. I want my relationship to be functional and positive. Link to post Share on other sites
PRW Posted January 3, 2019 Share Posted January 3, 2019 Unbelievable. And once again it's all his fault, even when she actually gives a list of her own awareness and issues. "maybe" , it's like she said ! Because he sounds like a decent guy to me.Chill out No one is saying it is "all anyone's fault". I usually focus on the OP and tell them what I think they can do better instead of blaming the one they are blaming,...and people complain about that. Now this time I actually suggest "maybe" it could be coming from the other side and people complain about that. You can't solve problems if you aren't willing to consider possibilities. Problem solving is what I do for a living. Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted January 3, 2019 Share Posted January 3, 2019 Perhaps you could see a therapist to help you process you own insecurities and anxiety? Link to post Share on other sites
PRW Posted January 3, 2019 Share Posted January 3, 2019 (edited) he sounds like a decent guy to me. There are hints in things he said to the possibility of him being a contributing factor. But he isn't here. All we have on him are things she quoted him on. That is not enough to make a firm judgment on him in either direction. Edited January 3, 2019 by PRW Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 3, 2019 Share Posted January 3, 2019 Perhaps you could see a therapist to help you process you own insecurities and anxiety? This would probably be the single best thing you can do for yourself, and the healthy of your future relationships. It's the beginning of a new year, a time for resolutions... Perhaps, focusing on getting right with yourself and developing some new tools is a good thing for you to consider this year... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bananapancake Posted January 3, 2019 Author Share Posted January 3, 2019 There are hints in things he said to the possibility of him being a contributing factor. But he isn't here. All we have on him are things she quoted him on. That is not enough to make a firm judgment on him in either direction. You know what, I think Im better of those advices. Thank u in advance. Link to post Share on other sites
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