Luke12345 Posted January 3, 2019 Share Posted January 3, 2019 Sorry long post but it's best I give all the facts. With my gf for 4 and a half years, I'm 27 she's 22 (23 in a couple of weeks), we lived together 1 year of the relationship and that's where it fell down a bit. Great the whole time before living together, not just in love but best friends too, everyone said we were perfect together, we got along with both families, never argued, had some really great times, there was no doubt it was great. About 5 months into living together I got depressed and started neglecting her and not wanting to go out and do anything, she'd come home and we'd be in separate rooms sometimes even. She tried to help me but I'm hard to help, i know I am and I know the downfall was my doing too. I got better and also realised she was now distant after trying for months, understandably, so I picked up my game, started offering to go places, do things, gave her my full attention but she then said she felt numb to it. Took a break to her parents for a week, came back for a week, I tried again and it was the same, then she broke up with me. Since then I've seen her a few times as I've needed to get stuff from the house, I moved out. We haven't spoken almost at all when I'm not round there discussing the lease and our stuff and I've tried to mend the relationship and address the issues a few times whilst I'm there to no avail. Why I am here is because she says she still loves me, recently she said she still sees a future with me, also that she might want to start again so I'm like "hey let's do it then!", but then she says she still wants to break up and take some time to herself. I'm in no contact now respecting her decision and trying to give her the time she's asked for. It's so damn hard. I wished her merry Christmas and happy a new year, when we talked then there's kisses, hearts and I love yous in the texts. It's like she's there and wants our relationship but just won't go back into it and I can't fully understand why. Anyway, it's her birthday soon and valentines after. I feel no contact and giving her that space is best but do I no contact on her birthday or say something? Bearing in mind nobody cheated, no arguments, no grovelling, just kind of drifted and I feel its fixable if given the chance. I'm worried if I don't do something soon I'll lose her forever, some other guy will ask her to valentines before I do and that's that. Also anything else I should or shouldn't do? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 3, 2019 Share Posted January 3, 2019 Ugh. Where you see hope, I see a silly girl who has not yet matured enough to be direct. Instead she knows she wants out because at 22 she has outgrown the guy she started dating at 18. Having lived with you & seen the bad stuff -- you being depressed & whatever else went wrong -- she knows you are not her future. Unfortunately, she doesn't want to be the bad guy so she's blowing sunshine & hope at you, hanging onto the nostalgia & soothing her own ego with the attention & longing you still bestow on her not realizing what that is doing to you. In short she is being cruel by trying to be kind. NC is a fantastic way to get over someone when the relationship is well & truly dead. If reconciliation is your goal you have to work with your EX .. .only by working together to address what is tearing you apart can your relationship survive. If you ignore each other she will conclude that she can live without you. If she won't try, there is nothing you can do expect walk away. However, its a fine line. You can't be a pest. Again I really don't see the hope you do. I see a girl who no longer wants to date you but who is too "nice" to not give you false hope because she thinks that sending you heart emojis softens the blow of the break up by offering some pale imitation of what you previously enjoyed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Luke12345 Posted January 3, 2019 Author Share Posted January 3, 2019 Hi Donnivain, Thank you for your reply and insight and do you know what, I see your point. I would disagree on one thing which is for 22 she is very mature, however, I never said in my post she was nice, almost too nice for her own good, polite nice and you got that, that's exactly her. Maybe I've just been avoiding it but the other smaller pieces of the puzzle I haven't mentioned do add up to your conclusion in a way, like the things she's said and how she's said them. I guess if she did want to start over then she would do it but she's still breaking up. Ugh I'm going to hate this but I'll continue NC then. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Malin889 Posted January 4, 2019 Share Posted January 4, 2019 Stay no contact and give her time to herself and maybe things will work itself out however it’s supposed to. But for now, don’t contact her and move on with your life. It’s always good to keep distance once in awhile to let each other miss each other. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 4, 2019 Share Posted January 4, 2019 I'm sorry Luke12345. Break ups suck. They are no fun but I think you are doing the right thing progressing toward your own healing & well being. Hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
healing light Posted January 4, 2019 Share Posted January 4, 2019 Unfortunately, I get the opinion that she doesn't actually mean the false hope she's giving you. She young and wants to be free for now to see what else life holds. She probably holds a good opinion of you and cares for you on some level--but not enough to get back together--yet thinks telling you bits and pieces here and there is the kind way to exit. Instead, it has you waiting for reconciliation. I would guess that she loves you but isn't IN love with you and doesn't want to be direct about it. Like donnivain said, I think she's outgrown the relationship at this stage in her life. She hasn't experienced what it's like to be single as an adult and you're at the age where you are likely looking toward your future and marriage. I know it's hard, but I do think your best bet is to maintain no contact and let her go. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 4, 2019 Share Posted January 4, 2019 (edited) Meanwhile, you need to deal with whatever the depression was about so it doesn't come up again and you check out. During the depression, how did you fill your time? Were you working? Going to school? What did you do while at home? Edited January 4, 2019 by preraph Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 4, 2019 Share Posted January 4, 2019 Meanwhile, you need to deal with whatever the depression was about so it doesn't come up again and you check out. Agreed 100%. Young women want to go out, go experience the world, go have fun. They do not want to be taken for granted, neglected and sit in separate rooms whilst you are depressed... You thought you could pick it all up again once you were better but by that time she was done. That is unfortunately what happens. Relationships are about bonding. What you did with your depression, damaged all the bonds you had built up as a couple and once they were gone they were gone. Get professional help for your depression, else history will repeat. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ducksauce Posted January 5, 2019 Share Posted January 5, 2019 I do not see any evidence that your ex wants to resume a relationship, sorry OP. Go no contact and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
manfrombelow2 Posted January 8, 2019 Share Posted January 8, 2019 Just stick with NC, even during Valentine's Day or any ceremony there is. Stick to it, and your future self will thank you for doing so. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts