When to bring up issues in relationships, friendships or at work?

[Eternal Sunshine]

This is something that I hugely struggle with. The more important a person is to me, the more things upset me. I have learnt over the years that I am more sensitive than an average person, so I am always second guessing myself in how I should feel.

 

I have also learned how to bring up issues tactfully and without starting a fight. What usually happens is that after having a conversation about the issue, I would feel MUCH better. But the other person seems to distance themselves from me or it seems like a big turn off to them (even if no fighting occurred). I really like to talk openly so this is a problem. It also works the other way: if another person brings up an issue they have with me, it only makes me feel closer to them. I just don't get why people run away from any hint of conflict?

 

Is this maybe a cultural difference (in my country everything is talked about openly?). So the only thing that seems to work is that I ignore the issues and hold back any impulse to bring them up and if I manage to get over them and distance myself, then friendship endures but in a non-authentic way. If I don't get over the issues (usually they just keep piling on), at some point I will end up blowing up over something minor and then the friendship ends in a nasty way.

 

I have recently had the same happen at my current work place (there are people that just act in a very underhanded way and I spoke up about it). The people themselves are not important but if it affects my work and professional standing, then it becomes important. For contrast, in my previous work place, I didn't have major issues with anyone for close to 5 years and there was no need to bring anything up.

 

I am just not sure how others deal with this.

 

It's like a no win situation.

[Mr. Lucky]

It's like a no win situation.

 

You can only address and own your side of the problem. If the issue is based on the other person's behavior, their lack of introspection and problem-solving ability can prevent the positive outcome you were hoping for.

 

While the workplace is a separate issue, I might ague losing a friend or partner because they can't address reasonable concerns isn't that great of a loss...

 

Mr. Lucky

[preraph]

At the workplace, you need to keep personal issues to a minimum. Remember that a lot of people who are nice to you while you work there aren't real friends who will even care when you're gone. And they are always, always going to put their own business goals ahead of yours. Just know that. I don't think I'd be confronting coemployees about personal issues if there was a conflict. I'd just stop interacting with them except in a polite professional way and not get personal.

 

If it's business problems, you keep your boundaries or ethics and make those known. If it's petty, like someone talking too much or making noise and you can't concentrate, tell them it's making it hard to do your work. If it's some bigger deal, probably best taken up with management. Example, at the office, we had a young lady who I genuinely liked and even recommended for her position. Oddly, she loves Christmas music and would listen to it all year round. So last summer, she was blaring Christmas music. I usually stay completely out of those phone people's business as I am not there all the time, but told her, I can't listen to that. She whined. I told her again I wasn't listening to that and was trying to work. The boss is in the next office and could hear it all. I don't know why he didn't do something, but he probably figured he'd just let me go at her unimpeded.

 

Anything too personal though really doesn't belong on the office and you cannot ever expect or rely on loyalty in the office.