A Daughter and a Search for Acceptance

[emptycube]

My Problems:

 

-I need to build a relationship with trust for myself and my mother.

-I need to overcome both my own shortcomings and hers.

-I need to somehow get her to understand I do not consider (nor have I ever) my father part of the picture.

-How do I accept someone when they hurt me (emotionally) so much? How can you come to terms with a person like that?

 

My "Story" of a Sort:

 

I grew up in the typical American home I suppose. We (my parents, brother and I) started out in a small house, in an OK neighborhood. My father was a drunk and was often not there for us. Yet even while not being there (even if he was physically there) he demanded the respect of someone who had suffered the most for the sake of his family.

 

You see my parents are rather old (66yrs, and 59yrs) and grew up in a time where you honestly didn't have to do that much as a parent to have all the respect of a saint. My mother hated this. She cooked, cleaned, and worked her butt off making sure that my brother and I were not greatly affected by my father's attitudes and characteristics. Basically until age eight my brother and I grew up more or less unaware of our family troubles. Oh we knew, but it didn't directly affect our day to day life. We heard screaming, and dishes smashing, but we were never involved in the fights directly. Yet for all mum's hard work she feels shes never recieved the respect and love she desereves from being so self-sacrificing.

 

Let's jump ahead to present day. Currently my views on my life are very different from my views when I was nine. When I was nine I craved my father's attention as unlike my mother he never gave it to me. And there was also my grandmother the one sercure stable person in our family. I adored her, but my mother hated her. My grandmother had a way of working the world which most would call sneaky and manipulating. At times I agree, but because of how attached to her I was as a child I can never fully resent her for anything she has done.

 

My mother hates this. Just like she hates my grandmother, though she'd deny both if you took the time to ask.

 

Mum believes, I think, that as the sole full parental figure in my life she should have full reign in the status scale of people that I have. Yet it is her want for this that drives me away from ever putting her on the top. She wants, I think, to work her way into my high place of mind where I would consider her the only living being which when it comes down to it, truly matters. I don't want this.

 

Don't get me wrong I do love my mother. And all she has done, and continues to do will make her one of the most important people in my heart. But she wants, as far as my impression is, to be the only there. I can't do that. For even though my grandmother is dead, I still love her. And even though my father is no more then a sperm donor, I still have a place for him in my heart. I cannot just delete them from my life as she wants me too. She wants their influence on me (negative or good) to be gone so she can have full influence on me, so that I will become "a good person" in her eyes. She says so long as I am her daughter, and I am a minor (though I suspect this will continue on well past adulthood) she has the right to do as such. I don't support that idea.

 

Granted I am still young, and I do not know everything, but should I not be allowed to take those first few mental steps on my own? When a baby first learns to walk a parent will hold them up until the baby is ready to to take a few steps on his own. Now if the baby falls or does in fact walk should not matter. That baby is still given the chance to walk? Even if while at the same time it is risking the fall? Should I not finally be allowed those first few mental steps? I want to think for myself, and how can I do that while she won't let me?

 

"You don't think, I tell you," is what she said to me. Now as a child (1yr-14yrs) yes that sounds somewhat reasonable I suppose, though I myself would never have such thoughts as to not allow my child think, but I am 17yrs old. Soon I will be off in college where they support original thinking, and branching your thoughts to see all points of view. How am I going to do that without practice? How am I going to do that when ever since childhood she has struggled in a battle to control my thoughts? I understand as my mother she should have some molding affect on how my thought process works. So that when I'm older my thoughts will run on the correct path. But I always thought that was a general thing, no specifics, not direct telling of what a person should think.

 

It's hard to explain the way that my mother is, though I guess the best person to do it would be myself. Here's a few quotations from my journal so you can see my instant reactions to my mother on a few occasions:

 

"Perhaps I've imagined up a mother that is so full of hate, that I forget in real life it's not so. I don't know. She tells me I'm crazy, so I'm starting to think that maybe I am. She tells me I have memory problems. That I'm messing up the facts because my brain is messed up. This happens so often that even after so much denial I'm starting to wonder, do I?

 

Everything mum does is humiliating. I'm curious if she enjoys it, or is unaware of it. My humiliation that is. For she's the only person I've met that I cannot leave without suffering from at least pang of humiliation. If it be bringing me to tears, using large words to make me seem stupid, or if it's reminding me of my inability to cope with the human life. (ie: Not meeting the standard for a human in terms of emotional stability, ability to keep friends, and my intelligence.) I don't know why she does these things, maybe it's just to keep me on my toes. Or maybe it's all inside my head.

 

She's screaming again now, but then I'm starting to wonder again. Is it my mum screaming? Or is it the hateful mother my crazy-self has created?"

 

---

 

"Mum thinks that everyone is against her. It is sort of like my brother's conspiracy joke. Just mum honestly seems to believe it. She thinks that my father and I are against her. It is because of this paranoia, that my father and I haven't spoken to each other in a full conversation for years. I cannot remember if we ever had one in the first place though, so I cannot rightly blame my mother. But I do know that if I'm too nice too dad, or he to me, mum gets suspicious and gets 'annoyed' which leads to bad things. So dad and I have come to and understanding that though we don't hate each other it's best if we don't talk or react to each other."

 

Now Here's the Ending Thought:

 

I just don't know what to do. Like I've said, I love my mother. And it is because I love her that I cannot leave her. But sometimes it hurts so much to stay. If I had the choice I could leave, I've got a place I could go, but I don't think I can. Despite all she's done I don't think I could live without her. I've come to depend on her so much, I'm so attached to her, I don't know how it happened, but I'm just so reliant on her. I cannot leave her. I wouldn't be able to live on my own.

 

But I have to stop this. I cannot stand this lack of trust. I cannot stand the lack of love. My mother has said outright that she does not want to have a mother/daughter love relationship. But I am hopeful we can somehow work this out and at least manage some sort of stable homelife together. It's just everything I do somehow becomes wrong. I am trying as hard as I can and it's just not working, she still doesn't approve. Is there anyone here who has possibily dealt with something similar, how do you go about building a relationship with someone who doesn't want it.

 

And if you couldn't ever manage such a thing, how did you come to accept it. How do you deal with the ridicule everyday without getting upset which only proves to worsen the already unstable relationship?

 

<---And There's a Bunny Because it's Cute

[Lil Honey]

Empty:

 

It sounds like your mom is trying to control you. It could be her "reaction" to the way your dad treated her.

 

I think that by writing your post, you ARE thinking for yourself. By wanting something different, you ARE moving forward.

 

You will be going to college soon. That will give you a great deal of space from your mom. And you certainly don't have to have previous experience in thinking about your own life when you get there. You will adapt just fine. Trust me. It will be scary and exciting and fun all at the same time. And it will be GOOD for you.

 

If it's possible, print your post and take it to a counselor. If you can't afford it and/or don't have health insurance to pay for it, you will have access when you get to school. Take advange of it, because it's part of the tuition anyway.

 

If you asked your mom, would she go to family counseling with you?

 

You don't have to live with the ridicule everyday. What do you say and do when she tells you that you are crazy or that you have memory problems? Look at your school work. Decide for yourself if you have a memory problem by looking at your test scores and if you recall things the teacher says. You can even ASK your teachers for their opinion on your abilities.

[emptycube]

I suppose I could take it to a counselor, but the thing is I've tried to explain these things to my current one and then he starts acting like I'm crazy too. I know that sounds silly, the idea tha tmy counselor would think I'm crazy. He doesn't think I'm crazy. But he thinks I'm lying. See when I was a real little girl I liked to lie, I'd make my life sound like a movie. I don't remember why I did it, but it was a big problem of mine for a year or two. (I think I was seven to eight years old.) Anyway ever since then my mother has never believed a single word I've said. And I think that when she speaks (and originally spoke with my counselor for the first time before I met him) she told him that I was a liar. Now that's not to say I wasn't a liar, but I'm not one now. And I think my counselor believes that I am one due to my mother's explainations.

 

So basically whenever I tell him anything, he brushes it off as if it were some teenage phase I'm pretending to go through. At least that's the impression I got when he reacted. What he said exactly was, "That's how you see your mother, but it's not how she is." That's why for a bit I question if I really am maybe a bit, not crazy, just a bit off in the head. 'Cause if my own counselor is telling me it's not real, how can it be real? I sat there crying in front of him, and it was as if I were talking about the weather while drinking tea. I understand he's not to get involved and or emotional about anything I say, but it was as if he was on another planet. And no matter what I did I couldn't reach him.

 

Family counseling is not something we've ever tried before. But I don't want to sound mean, I just don't think it's for us. The few times we've spoken with my counselor together she (and myself I guess) just sit there and bitter about situations that in the end are no where near what the real issues are. And then once we leave she's pumped up from the counseling session so she flys into a torrent of anger directed at me. I know I'm sort of weak emotionally and I just don't think I could handle something like that on a regular basis.

 

How do I respond to what she says? The only way I can really. At first I would protest and inisit that I'm lucid, but after a while sort of ... break down. I guess I've stopped caring about proving to her that I'm not crazy, and now I'm more worried about proving to myself and to others that I'm not crazy. I've just given up when it comes to mum in that situation. It hurts too much in the end if I try to say I'm not, so I just agree now.

 

I think I will, ask my teachers. I mean I'm no honor student. But as far as I can remember I'm pretty level headed when it comes to school work, and my test scores are what keep me from failing. So I mustn't be too nuts.

 

That is great. To have acess to a couselor at school, college that is. I know this sounds horrible but as much as I respect my mum I'd really like to have a counselor whose all my own. It's not that she ever does anything too horrible. But I don't like her always picking at my conversations with my couselor and always coming in to talk with him. I mean it's not that I don't want her to talk to him, but it's as if he were her couselor rather then mine, and that plays back in our sessions alone. Maybe I'm wrong, but I just wish to have someone who saw me as thier paitent and not me as my mother's daughter.

 

I just have to wait, that's what I keep telling myself. I just have to wait a bit longer. Thing is now that an "escape" of sorts is finally just round the corner, I'm afraid that I can't do it.

[crazy_grl]

You know what, if you are crazy, guess who more than likely made you that way? The mom who, based on your desciption, sounds like an emotionally abusive nutter herself. Maybe she didn't start out that way. Maybe her insecurities from your father's treatment got to her, but the way she's acting is just not right.

 

It's very scary that your mother thinks she should be able to control your thoughts. Hopefully she was just venting when she said that and she doesn't really believe it. No one can control another person's thoughts, whether it's their child or not, and it's unreasonable to expect that. She should expect to be able to shape your values and beliefs, but not control your thoughts.

 

I doubt that you're crazy like you mother says or that you have memory problems (Interesting thing that I've read about abusive relationships is that the abuser often tries to shape the OP's reality to match their own, making them question their own memories, sanity, and sense of reality. They also lead others around them to believe the OP is crazy.)

 

There's too much going on here for you to be making it all up in your own head and still be able to function normally in society. If you were that crazy, you'd be institutionalized by now.

 

IME, high school counselors do a pretty piss poor job of counseling. Yours doesn't take anything you say seriously and he's listening to your mom more than you. It's perfectly understandable that you'd want to talk to someone your mother hasn't already convinced that you're crazy. For now it sucks, but when you get to college, you'll have someone to talk to who will listen to you (assuming your college has a good counselor).

 

Your best solution here probably is to just wait until you can leave. There's nothing you can do if she just keeps putting you down and refusing to listen. After a few years, maybe your mother will start to see things reasonably and take you seriously, then you can repair your relationship.

[Lil Honey]

Empty:

 

I'm a little confused. Is the counselor you are seeing a High School counselor or one your mom pays for? If you are seeing a High School counselor, there is no reason that your mom needs to know what you are discussing, unless you are in danger. If your mom is paying for your counselor, maybe it would help to stop seeing that one. Either get another one, who isn't influenced by your mom or stop going altogether.

 

Furthermore, I doubt that you are crazy. I think the people that question their sanity are more sane than those who don't. (If THAT makes sense.)

 

How much longer do you have to wait before going to college?

 

It might help you to write your thoughts down in a journal. Keep it at school or hide it somewhere so your mom doesn't find it.

 

My Problems:

 

1.-I need to build a relationship with trust for myself and my mother.

2.-I need to overcome both my own shortcomings and hers.

3.-I need to somehow get her to understand I do not consider (nor have I ever) my father part of the picture.

4.-How do I accept someone when they hurt me (emotionally) so much? How can you come to terms with a person like that?

 

1. I think your mom has damaged the relationship and your trust. It's to the point that you don't even trust yourself with your independent thoughts. In order to build a relationship with your mom, I think you will need to build a relationship with yourSELF, first. You need to learn to trust your own judgments and thinking. You need to learn to take care of yourself first, before you can accomodate anyone else. It would be a good idea if you sat down with a notebook for a journal and one of the first things you wrote was an accounting of the things that YOU have done right (in school, at home, in your personal life). And I don't mean things you've done right according to your mother, but according to YOU and what is in your heart and what YOU want for YOU.

 

2. Overcome your own shortcomings while realizing that everyone has them. Be sure that the shortcomings you work on are those that YOU feel are things that you need to work on to make YOUR life better. Don't be hard on yourself and don't try to change all the things your mother finds fault with. Keep in mind that you - nor anyone - will ever be perfect, so don't try for perfection. You are who you are and you are lovable being yourself.

 

3. You may never make her understand that your dad has nothing to do with how you feel about her. If you want a relationship with your dad, it's really none of her business anymore. She (like so many ex-wives) may detest him so much that she will never think clearly about separating his relationship with you from her relationship with you (or sharing you). That is HER problem.

 

4. You may never accept her for the way she has treated you. Forgiveness is difficult for anyone, not just a young person. Then again, there may come a day when you will be a changed person (after being away from her) and she will also be a changed person (knowing that she can't control you anymore, yet wants to have you in her life). Then you can work on the relationship.