basil67 Posted January 3, 2019 Share Posted January 3, 2019 As a side shoot to the women who are attracted to jerks thread, I am thinking about those of us who are repelled by jerks. Is the theory for us the polar opposite for the women who do like them? The reason I like a good guy is because I crave stability, certainty and order. If I don't have those things, I get upset and it's a feeling I very much dislike. That said, I use the term 'good guy' because I am trying to differentiate from a doormat nice guy. My good guy is really flexible with what I want to do but he would never let me bulldoze him into something he doesn't want. He's got strong boundaries about what's OK for him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HiCrunchy Posted January 3, 2019 Share Posted January 3, 2019 I like good guys lol. Who wants to date an *******? Not me! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 3, 2019 Share Posted January 3, 2019 Jerk is different to different people. I fell for a guy who was real good at guitar and literate and smart, but very irresponsible and couldn't be leaned on at all. He leaned on me. I'm sure some people thought he was a jerk, and he was at times. What I found is even seemingly nice guys can become jerks depending on exactly how self-indulgent they are and how much they like you. What I never did was ever stay with someone who was overly jealous, possessive, or demeaned or berated me. I grew up with a little domestic violence, and all it takes is one, and I would actually tell guys early on the first or second date, If someone ever hits me, they better not go to sleep that night. I minced no words. If it scared some off -- PERFECT! I never even had a bad reaction to it. They know how men can be. So I never once got in what I consider an abusive relationship with a jerk. I saw more than one of my friends do it, let someone isolate them from their friends and act crazy. I never did and never would. But when things go wrong or you're just not mutual and there's a breakup, it seems like there's a little jerk in everyone, doesn't it? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 3, 2019 Share Posted January 3, 2019 I could not agree more basil. I too seek stability and no drama in my relationships. I am attracted to men who are confident and self assured, responsible, and dependable. Those are the deal breakers, but what absolutely attracts me to a man is kindness, intelligence, and a sense of humour which makes him fun to be with and make me have a good time when we are together... I do not understand or agree at all with the perspective that women like the “jerk” or the “bad boy.” Sure, some women are attracted to these men but I can’t help but think dysfunction tends to attract dysfunction... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SophieG Posted January 4, 2019 Share Posted January 4, 2019 I’m attracted to guys with the « bad boy » look. The guy I’m dating is covered in tattoos, pretty musculare and can be quite intimidating when you see him for the first time. But he is so far from a jerk! He’s the most patient, caring, affectionate guy I’ve dated. He always wants to cuddle, he’s sweet and everything. So for me, yeah, I’m into bad boy looking guys, but I’d never accept an ******* attitude or anything. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 4, 2019 Share Posted January 4, 2019 I’m attracted to guys with the « bad boy » look. The guy I’m dating is covered in tattoos, pretty musculare and can be quite intimidating when you see him for the first time. But he is so far from a jerk! He’s the most patient, caring, affectionate guy I’ve dated. He always wants to cuddle, he’s sweet and everything. So for me, yeah, I’m into bad boy looking guys, but I’d never accept an ******* attitude or anything. how long have you been dating? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 4, 2019 Share Posted January 4, 2019 I’m attracted to guys with the « bad boy » look. The guy I’m dating is covered in tattoos, pretty musculare and can be quite intimidating when you see him for the first time. But he is so far from a jerk! He’s the most patient, caring, affectionate guy I’ve dated. He always wants to cuddle, he’s sweet and everything. So for me, yeah, I’m into bad boy looking guys, but I’d never accept an ******* attitude or anything. Well, I know there are men and others who would automatically assume that just because of how they dress or do their hair, they're BAD, but anyone who ever ran with a diverse crowd knows that doesn't mean a thing, does it? They're much more interesting looking. Link to post Share on other sites
SophieG Posted January 4, 2019 Share Posted January 4, 2019 how long have you been dating? It’s been six months, why? Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 4, 2019 Share Posted January 4, 2019 It’s been six months, why? some men act different for the first three to six months of a relationship 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SophieG Posted January 4, 2019 Share Posted January 4, 2019 some men act different for the first three to six months of a relationship Yes, and some are just genuinely good guys. He hasn’t given me any reason to think he’s not being his true self with me, so I’m not gonna doubt him. If he acts differently in the next six months, well, that’s life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted January 4, 2019 Share Posted January 4, 2019 some men act different for the first three to six months of a relationship Yes... I can put on my "Knight in Shining Armor" for 3 to 6 months, but after that "the rodent" in me comes out. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 4, 2019 Share Posted January 4, 2019 No one can keep up the good behavior forever. And honestly, the safe route is 2-3 years to make sure you know someone. A mercurial friend of mine married a guy she had dated for three years and immediately moved to where he was newly stationed (him joining the Navy is probably what prompted them to marry), and as soon as he had her totally away from friends and family, he hit her for the first time. She called me and I said, Get in the car and come home, and she did. He then came and stalked her and trashed her apartment and stuff. He ended up getting diagnosed as sociopath in the Navy and doing some time there, but it didn't last long. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted January 4, 2019 Share Posted January 4, 2019 i feel every human has a little jerk seasoning.....selfish self centeredness to me is jerky... i crave stability because people who need stability find me./....and sometimes i feel i need to lean on someone other than god.....i don't often ask for help myself and seeing i have been abandoned quite a few times by family and partners...so i want adn really need a rock solid partner in life who would stick by me like i would them in bad times not just good times.........i don't like drama....even though it surrounds me and if i am ever a jerk ....i say sorry and mean it.,...i would want a partner to do the same..... i dont think its much to ask basil for someone to not be a jerk all the time....and its really hard to love jerks.....i feel its more about how often......i am averse to guys who are jerks to others in front of me......i tend to observe.....and i wouldnt date someone who consistently showed really bad traits towards others....deb 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SophieG Posted January 4, 2019 Share Posted January 4, 2019 (edited) I get what you’re all saying, but tattoos and muscles don’t equal physically abusive person, just as a well dress man with a high power job doesn’t mean the guy isn’t a jerk. All I’m saying is that I tend to be attracted to guys with a rougher apparence, and that the guy I’m dating has the bad boy look but he’s really nice. All your comments could easily be given to all the girls and women here who have been dating guys for less than a year, bad boy looks or not. Edited January 4, 2019 by SophieG Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted January 4, 2019 Share Posted January 4, 2019 I get what you’re all saying, but tattoos and muscles don’t equal physically abusive person, just as a well dress man with a high power job doesn’t mean the guy isn’t a jerk. All I’m saying is that I tend to be attracted to guys with a rougher apparence, and that the guy I’m dating has the bad boy look but he’s really nice. All your comments could easily be given to all the girls and women here who have been dating guys for less than a year, bad boy looks or not. i think actions show more than looks always......deb Link to post Share on other sites
SophieG Posted January 4, 2019 Share Posted January 4, 2019 i think actions show more than looks always......deb And I agree 100%! The guy I’m dating has been there during difficult times I had in the last 6 months (sister in law almost dying during delivery, brother in the hospital). We live 1h away and he came to see me in the middle of the night to sleep with me so I wouldn’t be alone and sad. He doesn’t let me drive in bad weather, if I’m sick I have to wake him up because he doesn’t like me going through it alone... all of those things are actions that are showing me he’s a good guy. My ex had the « good guy » look and he didn’t do any of those things. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gretchen12 Posted January 4, 2019 Share Posted January 4, 2019 Or rather, I would like to think I don't bring out the jerk in men. If a guy tries a jerk move, I call him out and won't stand for it. But rather than storm off or label him with names, I'd rather remind him he is better than that. If he's still a jerk then that ends it easily. As for picking men, I choose based on whether he is good, not whether he is attentive to me at the moment. I don't want a guy kissing my feet while being cruel to his ex and mean to the waiter. And good men don't want your happiness depending only on him. It's too much pressure on good men to say the right thing, text at the right time. I think some women end up with jerks and abusers because these women choose based on who will give them validation, and that puts her self worth in his hands. Good men don't want to control you. So that leaves only the jerks hanging around. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted January 4, 2019 Share Posted January 4, 2019 And I agree 100%! The guy I’m dating has been there during difficult times I had in the last 6 months (sister in law almost dying during delivery, brother in the hospital). We live 1h away and he came to see me in the middle of the night to sleep with me so I wouldn’t be alone and sad. He doesn’t let me drive in bad weather, if I’m sick I have to wake him up because he doesn’t like me going through it alone... all of those things are actions that are showing me he’s a good guy. My ex had the « good guy » look and he didn’t do any of those things. your man sounds lovely sophie im happy you found a goodun'...:0)...one day i might find my goodun' too.....deb Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted January 4, 2019 Share Posted January 4, 2019 Or rather, I would like to think I don't bring out the jerk in men. If a guy tries a jerk move, I call him out and won't stand for it. But rather than storm off or label him with names, I'd rather remind him he is better than that. If he's still a jerk then that ends it easily. As for picking men, I choose based on whether he is good, not whether he is attentive to me at the moment. I don't want a guy kissing my feet while being cruel to his ex and mean to the waiter. And good men don't want your happiness depending only on him. It's too much pressure on good men to say the right thing, text at the right time. I think some women end up with jerks and abusers because these women choose based on who will give them validation, and that puts her self worth in his hands. Good men don't want to control you. So that leaves only the jerks hanging around. I don't want a guy kissing my feet while being cruel to his ex and mean to the waiter. this is the best quote ever ......and so true.....cruelty towards others or mean ness is the biggest turn off for me...makes me feel retarded dont know why ...but my brain shakes........deb Link to post Share on other sites
edgygirl Posted January 4, 2019 Share Posted January 4, 2019 I have never liked jerks. Ever. If a guy doesn't treat me well, I get turned off. On the other hand, I am indeed attracted to mysterious brainiac introverts who are on the colder side. Are they jerks? Maybe. But not the way most people think about jerks. I have to work on disliking them once and for all. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted January 4, 2019 Share Posted January 4, 2019 "jerks" is a term used by struggling guys that think that because some guy doesn't have a shrine made of a plaster cast of his woman's pussy gilded in gold leaf that he worships every night, then he must be some kind of jerk.. Look... I will admit to be jerky...I'm moody at times, and if I think someone is in the wrong Ill call them on it...I favor women that are strong enough that she wont wither or isn't in need of constant attention/validation....I rarely make anything personal and don't ever hold a grudge...I don't blow smoke up any woman's ass, but at the same time, I am a very honest, caring and thoughtful person.. Most casual observers never see that side...And I think this is how a lot of other guys get mischaracterized.. But yeah....don't confuse the issue....Just because a guy has some balls and a mind of his own, and isn't a lap dog/ "yes dear" type...doesn't make them a jerk... TFY 2 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 4, 2019 Share Posted January 4, 2019 ....Just because a guy has some balls and a mind of his own, and isn't a lap dog/ "yes dear" type...doesn't make them a jerk... TFY indeed tfoty...it makes him a man Link to post Share on other sites
SophieG Posted January 4, 2019 Share Posted January 4, 2019 "jerks" is a term used by struggling guys that think that because some guy doesn't have a shrine made of a plaster cast of his woman's pussy gilded in gold leaf that he worships every night, then he must be some kind of jerk.. Look... I will admit to be jerky...I'm moody at times, and if I think someone is in the wrong Ill call them on it...I favor women that are strong enough that she wont wither or isn't in need of constant attention/validation....I rarely make anything personal and don't ever hold a grudge...I don't blow smoke up any woman's ass, but at the same time, I am a very honest, caring and thoughtful person.. Most casual observers never see that side...And I think this is how a lot of other guys get mischaracterized.. But yeah....don't confuse the issue....Just because a guy has some balls and a mind of his own, and isn't a lap dog/ "yes dear" type...doesn't make them a jerk... TFY I wouldn’t call your attitude « jerky ». I like a man that can be honest and say things like they are. My boyfriend is a lot like you (according to what you described), he’s sweet, caring but will not put up with attitude. He has noo problem calling me out in my sh**. To me, a jerk is someone who’s mean for uncalled reasons, who’s rude to others just because he thinks he’s better or superior, etc. I can easily make the distinction between someone who’s honest and won’t put on white gloves, and someone who has bad intentions or just has a shi**y personality. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author basil67 Posted January 4, 2019 Author Share Posted January 4, 2019 I get what you’re all saying, but tattoos and muscles don’t equal physically abusive person, just as a well dress man with a high power job doesn’t mean the guy isn’t a jerk. All I’m saying is that I tend to be attracted to guys with a rougher apparence, and that the guy I’m dating has the bad boy look but he’s really nice. All your comments could easily be given to all the girls and women here who have been dating guys for less than a year, bad boy looks or not. You're right Sophie. I'd be equally wary of a well dressed man in a high power job. I've known some real knobs in suits. And some sweethearts with tattoos. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author basil67 Posted January 4, 2019 Author Share Posted January 4, 2019 "jerks" is a term used by struggling guys that think that because some guy doesn't have a shrine made of a plaster cast of his woman's pussy gilded in gold leaf that he worships every night, then he must be some kind of jerk.. Look... I will admit to be jerky...I'm moody at times, and if I think someone is in the wrong Ill call them on it...I favor women that are strong enough that she wont wither or isn't in need of constant attention/validation....I rarely make anything personal and don't ever hold a grudge...I don't blow smoke up any woman's ass, but at the same time, I am a very honest, caring and thoughtful person.. Most casual observers never see that side...And I think this is how a lot of other guys get mischaracterized.. But yeah....don't confuse the issue....Just because a guy has some balls and a mind of his own, and isn't a lap dog/ "yes dear" type...doesn't make them a jerk... TFY I guess I'm using 'jerk' in the sense that I interpret it. And as Preraph pointed out, jerk does mean something different to everyone. To me, it would be best summed up as a d*ck head. But is that open to dispute too? What does blowing smoke up someone's ass mean? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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