Women who aren't attracted to jerks?

[greymatter]

I could not agree more basil.

 

I too seek stability and no drama in my relationships. I am attracted to men who are confident and self assured, responsible, and dependable. Those are the deal breakers, but what absolutely attracts me to a man is kindness, intelligence, and a sense of humour which makes him fun to be with and make me have a good time when we are together...

 

I do not understand or agree at all with the perspective that women like the “jerk” or the “bad boy.” Sure, some women are attracted to these men but I can’t help but think dysfunction tends to attract dysfunction...

 

Me also, Bailey.

[somanymistakes]

The "bad boys" that research is often based upon are the Dark Triad guys, so not your regular, everyday "jerk"

Those guys score high in narcissistic, psychopathic and Macvhiavellian traits.

 

Looking at that list, depending on how angry someone is at me at the time, they could either think I'm perfectly normal or that I'm a Machiavellian narcisisst

 

I mean, who hasn't flattered someone else with an ulterior motive at some point in their life? Even if it's just "if I say something nice about him then he won't be mad at me and I can get out of here"?

[littleblackheart]

Looking at that list, depending on how angry someone is at me at the time, they could either think I'm perfectly normal or that I'm a Machiavellian narcisisst

 

I mean, who hasn't flattered someone else with an ulterior motive at some point in their life? Even if it's just "if I say something nice about him then he won't be mad at me and I can get out of here"?

 

I think that if you haven't experienced living with an actual jerk, you can't really understand it. It seems you haven't, and that's a good thing.

 

Yes, we are all someone's jerk at some point and often times it is just an issue of being badly mismatched.

 

A truly dysfunctional relationship shows consistency in the form of abuse. The 'jerk' is a 'jerk' to all his partners, and some people do repeat the cycle in all their next relationships - this is when there is an actual problem on either side of the coin.

 

But equating getting into a relationship with a jerk to being dysfunctional is a short-cut that is not only untrue; it also shows a lack of empathy tbh.

 

Patting yourself on the back for having the foresight to not get into this type of relationship is one thing - I wouldn't wish the experience I've had with the 'jerk' I married on my worst enemy. Doing it at the expense of people who have actually experienced abuse by a real 'jerk' is another.

 

Thankfully real psychologists and counsellors can tell the difference.

[elaine567]

Looking at that list, depending on how angry someone is at me at the time, they could either think I'm perfectly normal or that I'm a Machiavellian narcisisst

 

I mean, who hasn't flattered someone else with an ulterior motive at some point in their life? Even if it's just "if I say something nice about him then he won't be mad at me and I can get out of here"?

 

 

The list is to be scored on a 0-7 scale so if you "I tend to want others to admire me" so if it is very, very important to you then you score 7 if not important then it is a 1.

 

 

When you add up all the scores you can assess whether you do exhibit strong Dark Triad behaviours or you can look at the scores for Narcissistic, Psychopathic, Machiavellian behaviours individually.

Like so much of psychology, there is a spectrum.

[thefooloftheyear]

Some people can bring out the jerk in anyone....In other words, these people aren't technically jerks, they are just responding to whatever irritant that is put on them by the other person...

 

Id say this is the case more often than someone being an actual jerk to everyone or in general..

 

TFY

[somanymistakes]

I think that if you haven't experienced living with an actual jerk, you can't really understand it. It seems you haven't, and that's a good thing.

 

Yes, we are all someone's jerk at some point and often times it is just an issue of being badly mismatched.

 

A truly dysfunctional relationship shows consistency in the form of abuse. The 'jerk' is a 'jerk' to all his partners, and some people do repeat the cycle in all their next relationships - this is when there is an actual problem on either side of the coin.

 

Oh I know some people are absolutely terrible and very dangerous to be involved with.

 

Sorry if I was unclear. I wasn't trying to say there's no such thing as bad boyfriends who use people and are terrible and toxic. There definitely are.

 

But from the outside, if you don't know people well, it can also be easy to make incorrect snap judgments: to think that a smooth talker is actually a nice guy instead of a narcissist, or to think that a slightly quiet guy is really mean.

 

And sometimes when I see people talk about how women only love jerks, it's just some variation on sour grapes. They assume that the guy she likes MUST be a jerk and that she must like him because he is a jerk. Even if it's not true at all.

 

Unfortunately some women do have a tendency to fall into relationships with bad people over and over again, each time believing that this time will be different and this guy really is wonderful and... nope, abuse again. I don't entirely know how it happens, other than that some people are vulnerable and sought out by predators who can sense that they make good targets?

[elaine567]

Some people can bring out the jerk in anyone....In other words, these people aren't technically jerks, they are just responding to whatever irritant that is put on them by the other person...

 

Id say this is the case more often than someone being an actual jerk to everyone or in general..

 

TFY

Abusers are rarely confrontational, angry, nasty and aggressive to everyone around, they choose their targets well.

The guy beating his wife up every week is not going to pick a battle with a guy as he knows he would lose.

It is not that is wife is an "irritant", it is because he can wield power at home that he can't wield elsewhere.

[littleblackheart]

Oh I know some people are absolutely terrible and very dangerous to be involved with.

 

Sorry if I was unclear. I wasn't trying to say there's no such thing as bad boyfriends who use people and are terrible and toxic. There definitely are.

 

But from the outside, if you don't know people well, it can also be easy to make incorrect snap judgments: to think that a smooth talker is actually a nice guy instead of a narcissist, or to think that a slightly quiet guy is really mean.

 

And sometimes when I see people talk about how women only love jerks, it's just some variation on sour grapes. They assume that the guy she likes MUST be a jerk and that she must like him because he is a jerk. Even if it's not true at all.

 

Unfortunately some women do have a tendency to fall into relationships with bad people over and over again, each time believing that this time will be different and this guy really is wonderful and... nope, abuse again. I don't entirely know how it happens, other than that some people are vulnerable and sought out by predators who can sense that they make good targets?

 

We agree on principle. Most relationships that don't work probably actually stem from a combination of bad communication and fundamental incompatibilities, and yes there probably is a dose of sour grapes from disgruntled 'nice guys'.

 

Dysfunctional relationships are, I think, too complex to pidgeon-hole.

 

Speaking from myself, I wouldn't want to relive what I went through twice - I don't think I could survive it a second time, tbh. The mental and emotional scars that stay with you are quite deep. There really was no way to know what he was like until it was too late. In the end, what makes you vulnerable and constantly off-kilter is being left in a permanent fog of half-truths and half-lies, so much so that nothing seems real. That's the effect of long-term abuse.

 

But I have been extremely lucky in that I have a very solid, caring support system in my family and genuinely good, kind, non-judgemental, long-standing friends, including one who went through a similar thing.

 

I could also afford a few years' worth of therapy.

 

Maybe those who perpetuate dysfunctional patterns in all their relationships don't have that support?

[MetallicHue]

I was young and naive and took him at his word in our marriage negotiations, and put a lot of trust in him based on how long I had known him and the sort of behavior I had seen previously. We started out on the "right" track and when things went south (he lost his job, wouldn't get another one), it was easy to accept for a while that he was legitimately struggling but would pull through. We were both young with very little previous life experience and he kept telling me that he was serious about providing for his family and he just needed to figure out the right direction.

 

I've shared bits of my story here in other threads - in a nutshell, he hadn't wanted to go through with marrying me in the first place, but his family pressured him into it (the story as he told it to me four years after we married).

 

I was trying to help him be the man he kept telling me over and over that he wanted to be. It did take me a long time to figure out that he wasn't struggling, he was LYING. In fact I didn't really put that together until after he told me that he hadn't actually been in love or wanted to get married.

 

SOOOO... because I am stupid and gullible.

 

Edit: and I'm sure feeling trapped in a situation he didn't really want to get into played a part in how he treated me - but that was none of my doing, that information was deliberately withheld from me and does not retroactively justify his behavior toward me.

 

I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I can’t imagine what it’d be like to be in a marriage with someone and be told that. I know that people grow apart like my parents did but that is utterly insane. You’re not stupid and gullible. Some people are really... well I won’t say it here. I completely get when in love having faith in others. I don’t know your backstory or current situation but you deserve so much better than what you went through.

[thefooloftheyear]

Abusers are rarely confrontational, angry, nasty and aggressive to everyone around, they choose their targets well.

The guy beating his wife up every week is not going to pick a battle with a guy as he knows he would lose.

It is not that is wife is an "irritant", it is because he can wield power at home that he can't wield elsewhere.

 

 

I suppose....

 

But I've seen people that with one partner were one way and with another partner, like a 180 degree difference...It's as if they are a totally different person..

 

Some people just know how to push someone else's buttons...And unless they sit around and say nothing, they'll be looked at as angry, passive aggressive, narcissistic...etc if they decide to open their mouths..

 

Only point I am trying to make is that the most passive, complacent, and genuinely nice people can be pushed to the other side with the right type of stimuli...

 

I can say this as someone with experience...I wont say who's fault it is, but I could show my jerk side to someone at the drop of a hat.. However .if we are both on the same page they would never know that part of me exists..

 

TFY