confused83 Posted January 3, 2019 Share Posted January 3, 2019 (edited) A friend of mine isnt a member on here but ive always got some handy insights off here. Hes just left my house a little mortified as his partner has asked for space. Initially my first response was 'id just move on soon as somebody asks for space its done' but he did say a few things that even confused me so ill put it here and see if you guys can help. They're both 33 if that helps, been together 2 years. He said over Christmas they had an argument and as it was Christmas they decided to just carry on but as this argument lingered it was brought up again nye. It was something to do with them not having sex over xmas but he didn't go into detail. Shes asked for space 2 days ago and as he left her house she text him i cant remember the exact wording but it was along the lines of 'i love you so much this inst a break but i need some space for a few days as i cant argue anymore if you're free Monday evening lets go to our favorite restaurant'. He said he didn't want the space but will respect what she needs. He now hasn't heard from her in 2 days. Now as hes at mine he text her to say how he doesn't want to be in limbo and asked if this is a break where they see other people. She said no i am not even looking for anyone else i just want to meet Monday draw a line under it and move on building our future, i love you see you Monday'. Now it got me a little as i dint know what to advise him. Every time I've wanted space or someone has needed it from me it becomes a break. Ive never known it where somebody requests a set number of days apart and without resolving it is expecting to meet Monday evening and build a future together? The part i found odd was if shes certain about him still why neglect it for 5 days with no contact if nobody else is involved. Has anybody had any experience like this as i changed my tune towards the end and said it does sound like there js a chance for him but its a weird scenario to want 5 days apart yet still saying how much she loves him and wants a future. I'm worried for him that shes leading him on with words but she did seem keen on text but now doesn't want to text him until Monday. Very odd. She did say something about how she doesn't want any more arguments as it could be the end so that's why she wants to not text till Monday ... which i understood but i didn't know whether to tell him my original answer of 'just leave her' or tell him hes got a chance. As in my experience I've always been leaving someone who needs space as its usually the end. Edited January 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs, grammar, move to Friendship Link to post Share on other sites
SophieG Posted January 3, 2019 Share Posted January 3, 2019 Not long ago, my friend and her boyfriend spent a week apart to think about what they wanted. She came back to their house 7 days later, they talked about everything and since then, they’ve been working on their relationship and things are really great. That week apart was good for them, and that was almost a year ago. I’ve personally never had « breaks », but I usually see them as the beginning of the end. I guess in some cases, they lead to reconciliations, but my guess would be, it’s not that often. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused83 Posted January 3, 2019 Author Share Posted January 3, 2019 Not long ago, my friend and her boyfriend spent a week apart to think about what they wanted. She came back to their house 7 days later, they talked about everything and since then, they’ve been working on their relationship and things are really great. That week apart was good for them, and that was almost a year ago. I’ve personally never had « breaks », but I usually see them as the beginning of the end. I guess in some cases, they lead to reconciliations, but my guess would be, it’s not that often. Ive got to admit ive had 3 or 4 breaks from past partners, some dished to me and some i wanted, we broke up a week later everytime as for me if someone actually wants days to go by with no contact they obvioisly arent too worried about you leaving or being with someone else. Thats the part that got me about his story, i did say to him how i find it odd that if shes this certain itll work monday why cant they text in between. Why is she so certain itll work yet isnt certain enough to keep contact. It sounds fishy to me and maybe just words to keep him there ready. I have met her though a frw times and she doesnt seem the type to be that manipulative. Link to post Share on other sites
I'veseenbetterlol Posted January 3, 2019 Share Posted January 3, 2019 To me breaks and space have never ended well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused83 Posted January 3, 2019 Author Share Posted January 3, 2019 . I didnt want to tell him that i wondered if someone else was involved and sge was wanting a week to see how she felt but he did ask about other people and sge outright said 'no we are still a couple, space doesnt mean that to me' Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 3, 2019 Share Posted January 3, 2019 It's not always the case that things are going to end. Ya your friend needs to have some faith in their relationship. Whatever really happened, (I'm sure there are some details left out), sounds like emotions were too high to actually sort things out rationally. It's not just about him, but her as well and probably a multitude of things that need to be addressed. You just never know, she could be pregnant........ Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused83 Posted January 3, 2019 Author Share Posted January 3, 2019 1 bit of information i did miss out was apparently he text her yesterday to drop something off and she replied how it would be nice to give him a hug... ill be interested to see where it goes monday for him i just didnt like seeing him down like that tonight and knowing hes got another 4 days of it to come. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused83 Posted January 3, 2019 Author Share Posted January 3, 2019 He's forwarded me the msg as ive told him im on this forum and it helped me so he doesnt want to leave anything out. I think hes in bits so ive told him to come back to mine tonight We are not over, i cant stress that enough! im putting you in a tough position but I can't handle any more talks like we had. so think the space might save us. It's messed with my emotions this past week and i just want us to start fresh as if either of us starts an argument again theres no turning back and its done which i dont want. if your willing to meet monday i just want to start over, draw a line and start building our future together again. Love you darling, dont forget that and sleep well xxx Link to post Share on other sites
SophieG Posted January 3, 2019 Share Posted January 3, 2019 Ive got to admit ive had 3 or 4 breaks from past partners, some dished to me and some i wanted, we broke up a week later everytime as for me if someone actually wants days to go by with no contact they obvioisly arent too worried about you leaving or being with someone else. Thats the part that got me about his story, i did say to him how i find it odd that if shes this certain itll work monday why cant they text in between. Why is she so certain itll work yet isnt certain enough to keep contact. It sounds fishy to me and maybe just words to keep him there ready. I have met her though a frw times and she doesnt seem the type to be that manipulative. Personally, as long as I’m in contact with the person, I can’t focus on what I want. I do believe that in some cases, space can be good, just to catch your breath and think about your needs and yours only. I don’t think that it means they’re single for the days apart, just that they should take it to think about what they want in their relationship. I don’t see it as fishy or whatever... but that’s my point of view. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 3, 2019 Share Posted January 3, 2019 Sounds like if he wants to stay together he needs to start listening to what she says. For example, she asked for space, and he's still contacting her. He's not respecting her request. When someone needs space, it CAN be the end, but if it's an older relationship, it might not be. It might just be that the person asking for space needs the one she's asking it from to respect her and listen to her and make a little compromise or two. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused83 Posted January 3, 2019 Author Share Posted January 3, 2019 Ive told him to take tomorrow off work and turn his phone off for the weekend. That way she cant contact him either and go to the meal monday with a fresh mind. Ive also told him he needs to stop agreeing to what she wants & start switching off and thinking more about what he wants too. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted January 3, 2019 Share Posted January 3, 2019 . It was something to do with them not having sex over xmas but he didnt go into detail. First off... I don't do wishy-washy. You are with me or you are NOT. I don't take breaks nor do I use the "need space" thing. Second... if she is refusing to have sex with him because of a medical issue, that is one thing, but if she is using sex as a weapon or bargaining chip, then he should dump her. The main reason is... she'll use this tactic over and over and over again, anytime she doesn't get her way. The relationship does not sound healthy. Moreover, these individuals are not early 20-somethings playing house in their first apartment. They are both 33 and should be acting like adults. My advice... tell him to stop being a doormat, pack up his crap and get out. She can all the "space" she wants. NEXT!! Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted January 4, 2019 Share Posted January 4, 2019 For me personally, they will need some MC (I realize they're not married) but the comment about as if either of us starts an argument again theres no turning back and its done which i dont want strikes me as they will have a really hard time solving differences which all couples have. The strength of the relationship is not how great the good times are but the ability of the couple to resolve differences and remain insync with each other. Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted January 4, 2019 Share Posted January 4, 2019 When a woman asks for space, it's time to head out to the strip club. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused83 Posted January 4, 2019 Author Share Posted January 4, 2019 Well as an update hes just left my house and looks defeated. I didnt know what to tell him other than to just turn his phone off and think about what HE wants going forward. I didnt say this to him but i agree you can easily become a doormat if you go along with whatever is wanted by the other person and i highly doubt theyll be ok monday. The space only seems to rekindle thigs if space is what you both want. When only 1 of you wants it and the other is left to feel awful it shows 2 things for me. 1. Shes lost interest in caring about how hes deeling and 2. If they do make up a part of him will resent her for putting him through this for a week. I personally was so close to telling him he needs to take the lead and call it a day. I feel like if it was me id simply say 'thisisnt working for BOTH of us anymore, youre deciding what you want yet its not what i want so IM done with it' i understand that's easier said than done when you love someone though. He did mention hes worried it may be a test as shes going to visit her friend this weekend thaya why she said meet monday and apparently the last time they argued she was going away for a mini break with her female friend so hes wondering if its a test to see if this time he will actually let her have a good time without perstering her, but again i said 'well if you arent fixing issues and letting them fester for days its not a relationship id personally want' Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 4, 2019 Share Posted January 4, 2019 I dunno...I'm not pickin sides but, sounds to me he's a bit on the controlling side/or doesn't trust her/or pushy and she's feeling smothered/trapped/discouraged. Like she just wants some independence and he feels threatened by it. Link to post Share on other sites
grays Posted January 4, 2019 Share Posted January 4, 2019 I can’t imagine telling someone that you want a future with them if you’re feeling like your not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused83 Posted January 4, 2019 Author Share Posted January 4, 2019 I understand why hes confused though as half the comments are saying 'run its over' and the other half 'its not over' haha Link to post Share on other sites
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