Do people in long term relationships/married for a few years, let themselves go?

[Joyce Simmons]

I was browsing Facebook, and I noticed couples who are married/with kids or long term relationships let themselves go? Like lookswise? I noticed either the man or woman have gained a few pounds, especially the men, the women usually aren’t wearing makeup, aren’t wearing tight clothes, not fashion Instagram photos, they just look like plain janes now. I’m sure when they were single and dating they looked good, but now it looks like looks aren’t a priority anymore. Me on the other hand, I need makeup and Instagram model clothes because I’m single and to attract men for dates. These married women wear sweats and sweat pants and their men still love them. Oh boy, I have a lot to learn. If I was dating, or even married I would feel like I needed to look good for my man, so you know he won’t be wandering his eyes, don’t these women think their men will do that???

Edited January 5, 2019 by Joyce Simmons

[d0nnivain]

When you have responsibilities for a home, your job, your kids & your relationship putting on the most fashionable clothes & doing your makeup take a back seat to just living. Part of being in a solid, healthy LTR is loving the other person even during the worst of times -- morning breath & a few extra pounds are the least of the issues. When you really love somebody you see them with your heart not just your eyes so the imperfections don't matter.

 

That doesn't mean you never do special things for your SO. There are still times when you do get all dolled up, but that is no longer part of your daily grind.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Yeah this is definitely true. My once hot friends became matronly looking over night. Men are sporting a large gut. Ineterestingly, once they start paying attention to how they look, they usually have a crush at work or similar

 

That lifestyle seems so depressing to me.

[SophieG]

I’m not really big on makeup and everything, but I will make an effort on the first few dates. But my natural style is very casual; ponytail or bun, jeans and tshirts, mascara.

I’ve been dating this guy for six months now and you see, tonight we went out for dinner and I was 100% natural (no makeup up, hair in a bun because it was all over the place). He told me I looked pretty and he only had eyes for me at the restaurant. 90% of the time, when we’re together, I’m in yoga pants with an old t-shirt, no makeup. He always says I’m beautiful (and I have acne scars and all). It might change over time, but I’ve always been more natural.

I was in a 4 years relationship and it was pretty much the same thing.

[basil67]

Me on the other hand, I need makeup and Instagram model clothes because I’m single and to attract men for dates.

 

Given your posts about not being able to find a man, you've now got evidence that dressing like that doesn't work anyway. Thing is, you don't need to dress that way. And doing it may well give off the vibe that you're high maintenance. It could well be of the things you're doing wrong.

 

We have guys here who get the hots for a girl a the gym. We're talking sweat marks, no makeup and a top knot - yet he still finds her attractive. Men get the hots for women who look cute in jeans and runners. A girl at the beach who's just emerged from the surf with straggly hair. A girl sharing his T-bar at the snow wearing a beanie and goggles. The girl in Doc Martens wearing clothes from the thrift store.

 

Work on being comfortable and personable. The rest will follow.

[Kitty Tantrum]

Oh man, I've never ever ever tried to look like an instagram model. I think most of them look dumb. The things they wear are atrocious (color combinations to make my eyes bleed), and so "trendy" that they have to be constantly replaced, makeup styles change, hairstyles (and colors?!) constantly changing... no thanks.

 

If you stop taking care of your basic health, grooming, and hygiene, THAT'S letting yourself go. Not following all of the fashion trends, not always trying to look "hot"... I'd call that sensible.

[thefooloftheyear]

IME, most men are who they are....Heck, I have the same waist size now as I had in my 20's and that was 30 years ago...

 

I don't know of any men that actually primp or stage themselves for dating like woman do.. That doesn't mean that a guy cant gain weight or stop caring about how he looks, but its unlikely that he'll be all that much different .On the other hand, you will see single women diet like crazy, get a trainer, boob job, makeover, whatever etc...Even if they aren't the type that lives that life they do it to stage themselves...Even the photos are often doctored and not exactly authentic...They'll even dress in clothes they wouldn't normally wear to try to get a certain look..

 

So what happens to these people when they land a mate? Well...They didn't actually "let themselves go", they just became actually who they really are...All that other stuff wasn't truly them, it was only a scheme to attract more attention …

 

TFY

[d0nnivain]

Joyce

 

Basil67 has a point. If having model clothes & perfect makeup to look a certain way on social media hasn't landed you a quality partner, maybe think that your looks aren't serving you. At best they are attracting people drawn to superficial over quality. If you are more down to earth -- at least once in a while -- you may attract a man who cares about your personality.

[loversquarrel]

It's all a matter of personal choice. I'm currently on the good side of fifty but close to it and on my second marriage. I work out every day, dress nice casual, keep my hair styled every day, clean shaven, eat well, etc. My wife is similar to me though she only really does the make up and hair thing on date nights or when she's working. Not everyone let's themselves go, I bust my ass not to and I do it for me.

[Wallysbears]

My husband loves me because of how I make him FEEL not the clothes I wear.

 

I was a size 2. I’m now a 4/6. But I also gave him a son.

 

I need to get my gray hairs died more frequently and don’t get my weekly mani/pedi like I used to.

 

But that’s not important.

 

Now most of my clothes are geared towards either work or a busy life with a toddler. Not going out to fancy restaurants and living a single life.

 

He’s the same size he was - with a few more greys and some laugh lines.

 

But our life is our family, not all the “fun” times of single life going out somewhere all the time.

 

We do still get dressed up and go on dates. We have a fancy party tonight in fact and I have a killer LBD to wear.

 

But he doesn’t love or find me any more attractive than on a Saturday when I’m wearing yoga pants and doing laundry.

 

We have been together over 8 years. We have bought and sold and remodeled homes, faced countless illnesses, washed each other’s laundry, my Dad died, we had a baby, and now have my Mom living with us.

 

Marriage has nothing to do with keeping up appearances. It’s about love, trust, partnership and giving 100% to each other even when you don’t like them that day LOL!

[Interstellar]

Yes, people in long term relationships let themselves go because with the burden of kids, responsibilities, etc...they make excuses on why they can’t be fit and look after themselves. It simply boils down to, if it’s important to you, you’ll find the time. You’ll find a way. Keeping fit despite kids and looking good should be as natural as brushing your teeth. But people make excuses all the time and they want something for nothing.

[Wallysbears]

Yes, people in long term relationships let themselves go because with the burden of kids, responsibilities, etc...they make excuses on why they can’t be fit and look after themselves. It simply boils down to, if it’s important to you, you’ll find the time. You’ll find a way. Keeping fit despite kids and looking good should be as natural as brushing your teeth. But people make excuses all the time and they want something for nothing.

 

Who wants

Something for nothing?

 

Do you have kids?

[d0nnivain]

Yes, people in long term relationships let themselves go because with the burden of kids, responsibilities, etc...they make excuses on why they can’t be fit and look after themselves. It simply boils down to, if it’s important to you, you’ll find the time. You’ll find a way. Keeping fit despite kids and looking good should be as natural as brushing your teeth. But people make excuses all the time and they want something for nothing.

 

What am I supposed to give up to be able to devote an hour plus to a beauty regime of doing my hair & make up every day?

 

I agree that failing to make healthy eating choices or drinking too much & packing on the pounds is a an excuse but the OP's question was about being dressed & made up like a model every day. That is a different set of priorities.

[snowboy91]

It's true that people in long term relationships can let themselves go. But it's not guaranteed that they will. They could do so for for a few reasons:

 

1) in the case of weight: people are usually in long term relationships in their late 20s/early 30s when metabolism slows down a little and careers are established. Hence health goes by the wayside. So not necessarily linked to the relationship.

 

2) people get complacent about their looks in a LTR. They've got their partner, so why the need to keep a high standard of presentation around them?

 

3) people get to a point where they don't see looks as a priority in their life. Getting all dressed up, using makeup, etc is a lot of effort and isn't providing any noticeable benefit to their lives - so what's the point?

 

You make an interesting point about wanting to look good for your man so his eyes don't wander. If you feel your man is only with you for your looks, I'd be concerned about the sort of relationship you have with him... if you're in a good relationship with a good man he's going to love you for a lot more than just your looks!

Edited January 7, 2019 by snowboy91
repeating myself

[SolG]

So what happens to these people when they land a mate? Well...They didn't actually "let themselves go", they just became actually who they really are... /QUOTE]

 

I think TFY is on the money here. And not just in the realm of physical accoutrements, but in general.

 

At the beginning of a relationship it is not uncommon for the parties to present themselves in their best light. And also in turn to be perceived through rose coloured glasses. Everything is bathed in limerence-induced rainbows and lollipops.

 

But if you actually want to progress through to some level of intimacy... you have to be willing to be vulnerable enough to be known. You have to let the walls down with one another.

 

You have to be willling to reveal the real length of your eyelashes, that you do actually have a couple of stretch marks, that you do poop. (That last is a shoutout to an x-lover who in the beginning used to put a big wad of toilet paper in the loo so I couldn't hear his "plop" noises.)

 

Now I'm not at all in favour of "letting oneself go" indiscriminately... However, how can you develop true intimacy if you hide behind a curated facade?

 

Isn't this the person you want in the delivery room with you when you are possibly in pain, exhausted, dishevelled? And when you are so upset that you literally have snot running down your chest? Or when you have dysentery on that exotic holiday. And they not only accept you... but love you in spite of whatever your totes non-Kardashian flaws are.

 

Yes, some people let themselves go. But a lot more just let themselves be known. Are you brave enough for that?